Campaign-a-Palooza

I have to get this out of my system before the freaking election which is, thank God, less than 48 hours away! If I didn't know better, I'd swear that we'd been listening to Barry and Grandpa John McCain since immediately after Sarah Jessica Parker lost to George W. Bush back in 2004. (Wait. Not her! Geez. I meant John Kerry. A horse is a horse, of course, of course.)

There are so, so, SO many witty and wacky individuals who have used their many talents to craft various campaign signs for the candidates. Campaign signs that the candidates would only use if a) they had a loaded gun pointed at their head, or b) they wanted to lose really, really badly. But neither of those things seem to be applicable (though I still don't know what the heck happened over there in McCain's camp over the past three weeks. It was as if someone let HIM run the campaign himself. And that really doesn't sound like a very strategy, especially given how things are going for him these days.). And that's what the Internet was made for! It's a tool that allows those folks to show off their childish, immature and hysterically funny talents with the rest of the world and all without leaving the comfort of their own home or Starbucks.

Thus, I give to you a conglomeration of campaign sign satire, created by folks who will likely never, ever hold a public office. Behold! Fairly amusing campaign signs when it is less than 48 hours before we get to effing vote!! (I'm sure you will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that it was harder to find stuff that poked fun at Barry than it was to find things that poked fun at John McCain and Sarah Palin. Joe Biden is practically nowhere to be found. Why, oh, why couldn't the others have followed his lead?)

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I can even manage to squeeze in a few Joe the Plumber themes for you (because who can't get enough of that?!). Behold!




And this just wouldn't seem complete without a few Tina Fey as Sarah Palin references on here. Yeah, I know they're not campaign signs, but she's hilarious, so she gets a free pass on that one. (Besides, it gives me reason to go to a web page of a friend of mine and "steal" her Tina Fey as Sarah Palin pics to use here. Now, she doesn't know I've "stolen" them yet (so I'm not going to link to her page just right now), but she'll know as soon as she reads this. But if I did link to her page, you'd know I wasn't checking it out just for her Tina Fey pics, as she has a pic of herself on there that shows just how absolutely stunning she is. (You know what's even better? Who she is on the inside is twice as stunning as who she is on the outside.) Behold! Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live!

Let's just effing vote already!

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Price Check, Bingo Aisle!

It was inevitable, but this time I don't necessarily know that it could be considered a bad thing. Well, the concept isn't bad. No, the concept is highly amusing. The premise, on the other hand, could be considered...sad. At best. Mainly because it's so true.

You know that all week long, you are dreading the weekend shopping excursion out to the local Wal-Mart. You'd never set foot in there if those corporate conglomerate bastards didn't have such low prices! (Damn their worldwide dominance! Damn it to hell!) It doesn't even matter where the Wal-Mart is, because as far as the typical Wal-Mart clientele goes, it's kind of like McDonald's. No matter which one you go to, no matter where it is, you always know what to expect and it's always the same. Whether it be Big Macs or white trash, you know what to expect when you're patronizing one or the other. (Sometimes, you can even expect both.)

What you need to liven up those jaunts into trailer park resident shopping hell is to something to take your mind and the minds of your family members off of the homeless guy who was aggressively panhandling as you walked past the red kettle into the 'Mart. But not something that will prevent you from fulfilling your shopping needs, not that will distract you from paying attention to your surroundings. (Those who are more alert are more likely to survive an attack and free themselves from their attacker. I think I learned that on Oprah.) So to beat the doldrums (and fear and disgust) of shopping at Wal-Mart, do I have the solution/distraction for you!

If you're looking to add excitement (and more!) to your bargain shopping days, I present to you Wal-Mart Bingo! Behold!

It's the classic parlor game with a modern day, capitalist, voyeuristic and very sarcastic touch! It's Wal-Mart Bingo! Fun for the entire family! (Sterile latex gloves sold separately.) The concept is simple. Each member of the shopping clan gets a card. When you spot any of the items on the card, you get to mark off that spot. You can mark off the spots with a pencil, a pen, a crayon, pieces of old chewing gum that will be scattered throughout the store at various locations, whatever you choose, really. First one to get five in a row wins!

As I looked at both of the cards shown here, I realized that, theoretically, you could go through several games just lickety split! You might get five in a row before you get six feet past the old man greeter in front. (After this Tuesday, if the next Wal-Mart greeter that you see looks like John McCain, don't be surprised if it is. But do say hi and offer your condolences to him and Caribou Barbie for their loss in the Presidential election to Barry. Ooh, but offer those condolences from about 2 feet away. He tends to snap and bite when angered or irritated. Don't want to lose a finger now! You'll be rendered indistinguishable from many other Wal-Mart patrons should that be the case.)

And while both of the above are fairly clever, come on, let's be realistic, shall we? They're rather plain. If you're going to enjoy this, it really needs to be in the Wal-Mart spirit. No, not the craptastic kind of spirit. You know...the other kind. You know....my kind! Behold!

That's better. Now we're talkin'! First one gets to wait in the car WITH the radio on! Be careful and don't knock over Grandpa McCain as you sprint out the door. Now hop to it!

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Spreading Germs in English

Whilst perusing the news over yonder in Germany at The Local (Germany's News In English), I noticed one of the little AdSense ads at the bottom that read: "Cool German Apparel - Get German Apparel and Gifts for your kids, friends and family." Wow. And while I'm really not in the market for any kind of apparel for my non-existent children, my dwindling pool of friends or those other people that I'm technically related to, I was curious as to what "Cool German Apparel" would consist of. (I was also curious as to what "German Apparel" would consist of, because I was guessing it was something other than those armbands with swastikas on them.) Thus, I clicked.

"Cool German Apparel" seems to be the main staple of a Cafe Press store called Spread Germanisms. While I do find that kind of quaint and a tad humorous, I really don't care to think of spreading germs when I'm looking for new apparel. Especially when it's new apparel that's supposed to be all German and all cool and stuff. The "Germanisms" that the site seems to want one to "spread" sure did make me wonder about what goes on over there in Germany. If the German folks are actually wearing shirts like these over there, then the whole country is like the cast of a very large, somewhat funny, medium budget movie with lots of jokes pertaining to anatomies of both genders and many more jokes pertaining the what the anatomies of both genders to to each other and often to one's own self.

And while I did learn some new German words, I didn't really know any old German words and I highly doubt that I'll have many opportunities to use the new ones. In fact, I'll bet that I'll use the new ones about as often as I used the old ones that I didn't know. That is to say, never. But who knows? Maybe you'll have a use for them. By the way, the definitions are the doings of the "Spread Germanisms" folks. They certainly weren't my concoction.

• Zicke - bitch, women with bad attitude (Yeah, I kind of got the "bad attitude" part right after I read "bitch". It's the same in any language.)

• Hengst - Stud, Stallion, also guy who has the "magic" to get any chick he wants (Those who think that they are the "stud" or "stallion" are the ones who SO do not have the "magic" to get that chick he wants. He'd have to be nothing short of David Freaking Copperfield to get some of those chicks out there.)

• Busenwunder - tit wonder, knocker marvel, busty sensation (Ah, yes, the wonder of the busen. You know, I can't really say that I've seen many shirts in the US that say "Tit Wonder" or "Knocker Marvel". And I think I'm little surprised by that, actually.)

• Betthupferl - bedtime sweets or snacks (OK, like what? Are we talking cookies or hookers?)

• Banause - A person that is said to despise or undervalue art, beauty, intellectual content, and/or spiritual values (Is this like an all-or-nothing thing? I pretty much always undervalue art, but only because I can't ever tell what the heck it is or which way to hang it! But that's no reason to judge now, is it? Let's hope not.)

• Liebeskummer - lovesickness, so deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally (Um, no comment.)

• Schlawiner - cheeky monkey (I'm unfamiliar with the term "cheeky monkey" as it pertains to those in Germany. I am quite familiar with the term "chickie monkey" as it pertains to those (or one) in the US, but I have no idea if they're the same.)

  


• Dummkopf - dumb-head: stupid person, dumbbell, blockhead, fool (I like how they include five different synonyms for the word that means "moron". As if we are the morons they're referring to. And do they really say "dumb-head" in Germany? Are they all 5?)

• Suffkopf - a drunken person who acts like an idiot (Not to be confused with the loads of drunken people who do not act like idiots.)

• Fräuleinwunder - young woman wonder, old-school for spectacular young German woman (Not to be confused with the other "wunders" on the list, nor to be confused with a "young wonder woman", because while still very, very pleasant, it's a totally different "wunder".

• Raufbold - roughneck, hoodlum, streetwise toughguy (A "streetwise toughguy"? Lest we get confused with a non-streetwise toughguy or a streetwise wimp-ass? Thanks for the all inclusiveness, but we got it.)

• Lebemann - rake or man about town (I have no idea how a "rake" and a "man about town" are the same thing. One's a garden implement and the other is not. And really, I don't know what a "man about town" is at all. Pick a town, any town, and you'll find several "men" about it.)

  

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At The End Of The Article Armaggeddon

Sometimes at the end of news articles that you read at various online news reporting outlets (or attempting to report what may or may not be news) have a box on the side or the bottom with a bunch of links to other stories that are either related to the one that you just read or that other people who had read the same article had also read. Sometimes these other stories are related your current story. Other times, not so much. But over yonder at Fox News, they seem to think that you need a wide and far reaching variety of news stories, either so you don't miss a thing or so that your selections aren't within too narrow of a category. And for some reason, at the bottom of a story about a bunch of drunken Russian cops beating and burning (yes, burning. As in with fire.) a man to death, there was what could be described as a "melange of whack-a-doodle". It could probably also be described as several other things, but it's not often I can work "melange" into things, as I do not often write about paella.

First, I'll address the crazy Commies. No, actually, first I'll address the horrible job someone did with writing that blurb. It really doesn't tell you much more than the title which says "Officials: Drunk Russian Police Beat, Burned Man To Death." No word on why the three officers were drunk, how they figured out that they were responsible, whether or not it's common for Russian law enforcement to tie one on during their shift, or even who found the body. It was described as being found "in a nearby forest Wednesday with massive burns." Huh. Massive burns. From being set on fire, you say? Interesting. (Note to self: Even though international stories tend to be short, do not let busboy write them, even if he does claim to have "a real way with words.")

Now what other stories could be related to that you ask? Here we go....People who read about the Perestroika Police also read about these intriguing tales:

• Texas Mom Throws 4-Year Old Daughter Into Traffic
  
  
• Police: Husband of Long Island Teacher Choked Her To Death; Staged Broken Down Car Scene
  
  
• Giant Spider Caught On Film Eating Bird In Australian Backyard
  
  
• Pakistani Police Arrest Cleric Who Presided Over Kids' Wedding


• Cheetah Runs Loose On Plane, Bites Baggage Worker
  

Seriously, what the heck is that? I'm pretty sure that at least one of those is a sign of Armageddon. Giant spiders eating birds?! I don't think of that when I think of Australia. I think of koalas, kangaroos, that Crocodile Dundee mate, things like that. Not giant spiders eating birds, for cryin' out loud! And how did that cheetah get loose? Never mind that, how did it get on the plane to begin with?! Now I have to worry about loose and livid flying cheetahs?

I'm sure there was a brilliant mind at work in the choking husband story there. I'll bet The Choker is right at this very minute thinking to himself, "I can't believe the broken down car scene that I staged didn't throw them off of my trail! Dammit! I'm so unlucky!" And of course, that a-hole is one of the guys who (allegedly) kills his wife and then reports her as missing and does a bunch of TV interviews about how much he loves his wife and makes tearful public pleas for her to be returned. When, exactly, did that method start gaining popularity? Was it when Scott Peterson was trying to convince everyone that he was so upset that his wife, Laci, was missing? I think that might have been it. Hey, guys out there thinking about offing your wife and trying the Peterson method, listen up. Before you start choking the Missus, perhaps take a moment to recall how all of that turned out for Scotty-boy there and don't strangle the little lady, OK champ? Grand.

Now, The Choker, also known as William Walsh, has allegedly confessed to killing his wife, Leah. The Choker has an attorney who stated to the media, "If we know anything from recent events, confessions are inherently unreliable, especially when trickery is involved." What recent events would those be sir? And, I'm sorry, did you say trickery? He did indeed say trickery, and when he was asked by the media to clarify what he meant by said trickery, he said, "I am saying unquestionably any confession that they obtain is done by tricks." That still doesn't answer the question. What kind of tricks? Juggling? Cards? Magic? The shell game? Tell us the tricks! I really think someone should have some pretty specific examples if they're going to go throwing words like "trickery" around these days.

What's up with the spider and the bird? Apparently, there is a photo of a lifeless bird trapped in a web near Cairns, Australia, which shows the spider clenching its legs around said lifeless bird. A one Joel Shakespeare, who is "the head spider keeper at NSW's Australian Reptile Park, said the spider was a golden orb weaver." In other news the Australian Reptile Park has a head spider keeper. Now, I don't know if my knowing the particular species of spider is supposed to make this better for me or what. And it really doesn't. Regardless of the fact that most people will respond to such a story by shouting, "Holy crap!" and not "Tell me more about the golden orb weaver and it's day to day existence.", Joel continued by explaining, "Normally they prey on large insects, it's unusual to see one eating a bird." Now is that because a bird is not a large insect or because spider don't eat birds?! He then made everyone reading this story feel tons better by mentioning that "...he had seen golden orb weaver spiders as big as a human hand but the northern species in tropical areas were known to grow larger."

But if you were wondering, Joel said the bird was "a chestnut-breasted mannikin" (was being the key word in that phrase) and that it "appears frozen in an angel-like pose in the pictures." (A chesty breast frozen angel? What is going on down there in Australia?) Then, with his keen deductive abilities he stated that the bird "is likely to have flown into the web and got caught." Do you think, Joel? Huh. So, it's a bird and it just flapped its wings and flew into the web, you say? It didn't just walk in on its own? Are you sure the spider didn't try any of that "Step into my parlor" trickery that I've heard so much about? Joel then added (as if it is supposed to make us feel better), "It wouldn't eat the whole bird." Oh, no, of course not. Because that would be weird. (Not as weird as a goat named Red that wasn't de-horned, but weird just the same.)

The folks over there at news.com.au have the photo of the bird-eating spider (along with a bunch of other stories that should keep me busy for at least a week!). Now, if you're expecting some of that breast-y stuff that was mentioned earlier, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Probably not as disappointed as you're going to be if you are expecting some of that angel-y stuff that was mentioned earlier, but disappointed none the less. And it's really not as bad as you'd think. Then again, we're not the bird. Behold!

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JTP Needs A Staff

Will someone please put Joe the Plumber back underneath a leaky sink somewhere? This is getting a bit out of hand. The guy asks one, yes one, one question of Barry and the next thing you know, the guy is everywhere and he's also now an authority on...something. I guess. But now it would seem, that his presence is in high demand with....well, I'm not sure exactly who all are clamoring for a chance to have Joe the Plumber, uh....um....well, I don't know what they would want him for, actually. But whoever "they" are, "they" do want him for whatever and there must be a lot of 'em, because he's hired a publicity firm to take care of all of his now ever present media scheduling needs. Wait. The plumber guy? What?

According to the folks with limited information over there at the Associated Press, Samuel Joseph "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher (otherwise known by me as "JTP") has hired a publicity team from Nashville called The Press Office. Some of their other famous clientele whose hectic schedules they manage would include the likes of rockers Grand Funk Railroad and Eddie Money, just to give you an idea of how popular Joe the Plumber is these days. He's right up, er, over, um, I mean, down there with Grand Funk Railroad! Um, Grand Funk Railroad hired these folks as their publicity team? I don't know if that is exactly a testament to how well those folks do their job, as I was unaware that Grand Funk Railroad was still together, still performing, or still doing anything at all, really. Why does Grand Funk Railroad need a publicity team? So that someone can flip the coin when they have to decide between playing at Harrah's in Vegas or at the Rio in Vegas? I don't get it.

But back to JTP. Somehow, some softhead out there decided that Joe the Plumber needed to do his own bus tour around Ohio so that he could campaign for the Republican ticket. Wednesday, he even made an appearance with Bible Spice, aka Sarah Palin. From what I can tell, he introduced her. So he's a flash-in-the-pan, semi-famous, newly crowned emcee, is that what they're getting at? Because I have yet to hear him utter any statement about anything having to do with this election that would make me or (I would think) anyone else give a fat rat's ass about what he has to say. When JTP was in Sandusky, Ohio earlier this week, Grandpa John McCain said of JTP, "He deserves our appreciation. Thank you for your courage." Courage? What courage? Did he snatch a baby from the jaws of death? Did he leap tall buildings in a single bound? What in the heck are you talking about John? Courage to have the guts to associate himself with your fledgling campaign? (A campaign which has taken on many of the same characteristics typically seen in a wandering Alzheimer's patient, might I add.)

But the crowd in Sandusky (pop. 25,000) went wild (all twenty of them, from the looks of the pictures) and then JTP took the stage. He took the microphone and he uttered this sentence that will surely resonate for years to come (or not). He said, "I didn't prepare anything, but one thing I did (want to) say is just get out and get informed, really know what you're talking about when you're talking about it." Well, that sounds like we should really be anticipating some wonderful insight from him next, yes? Let's see. He continued with, "Get involved in the government, that way we can hold our politicians accountable.” By doing what? Oh, wait, never mind, that was it. He's done now. Yep, those were his words of wisdom that is making his presence so high in demand that he hired a publicity firm. Know what you're talking about when you're talking about it. And get involved in the "Holding Accountable Department of Government". Are you kidding me?

Tell me something, who is paying this guy? Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can fault him too much for taking the gig on. But I am not a big fan of how campaign money (or money in general) just gets tossed around. Granted, I know that we're just printing it by the boatload these days (yeah, that won't hurt the overall value of the dollar in the long run at all! Just because the dollar's value has plummeted every other time the market has been flooded with extra currency, that doesn't mean that it will always happen, right? No.), but how much money was thrown at JTP if now, the man who owes back taxes for whatever, can now afford to hire a publicity firm to handle his "hectic schedule"? If he was worried about being taxed more before he became Joe Every-Dolt of the campaign trail, he might really start to worry about it now. As I see from The Press Office brochure, they claim that they will get you exposure. And with exposure comes money. "Exposure that adds great value to your name, trademark, recording project and/or event by booking and securing valuable national media opportunities worth, in many cases, millions of dollars over the life of your project." We'll learn how much this cost through campaign spending reports, won't we? Sure, sure we will. And it won't be good, will it? No, no it won't. But it would have been worse if McCain had won, wouldn't it? (Yes, I am presuming he has already not won.) Yes, yes it would have.

But wait, there's more! More? Yes, MORE! Turns out that there has been talk of a (wait for it) book deal for JTP. How long of a book, is what I want to know. He only asked ONE question. And he asked it because he clearly didn't know the answer. What is his book going to be about? The Big Bald Book of Presidential Candidate Inquiries? He's also considering running for Congress, proving that anyone, yes anyone can become a member of Congress. Am I the only one who realizes that JTP didn't DO anything?! That he hasn't DONE anything?!

The man asked ONE question. And Barry kind of answered the question, but he also kind of didn't. (For those of you who think that President Barry will be different than all of the other politicians, you're in for a treat. He's a politician. He's just smarter about it than the rest of them. That's why he's going to be President and why John McCain is going to be trying to remember where he parked the Buick.) And then John McCain tried to roll with JTP (Good Lord, no! Not literally! NO one wants that!) and that went nowhere fast and it's gaining speed by the second. Yep, it's the John McCain-Joe The Plumber-Hey, Where'd Sarah Palin Go-Bus Tour Express! And it's coming to a screeching and grinding halt soon near you!

And the clip below simply illustrates how John McCain's entire campaign has been going lately, more so since he's tried to catch a ride on the JTP Express. Yo, John! If you're going to try to get a crowd pumped up for your message and your platform (whatever they both may be), you must, absolutely must, you must finish your sentence! When you say, "All of you stand up and say..." and then the crowd starts cheering? Yes, I know it's loud. Yes, I know it's hard for you to hear (even without the cheering). But you have this newfangled device in front of you called a microphone. It transmits sounds at considerably louder levels than without it! Yes, it is somewhat of a miracle! Because with that microphone, those people in that cheering crowd will still be able to hear you! But only if you finish your sentence! Instead, you said, "All of you stand up and say....(and here you switched over into Grandpa Simpson voice)....I thank you...." WHAT?!! Say what?! What were they supposed to say?! John! Wake up, John! Say WHAT?!?!

:::: s i g h :::: That wasn't good. Did he just not remember that JTP wasn't going to be there (or wasn't there). Yeah, he tried to wing it, but as you just saw, that didn't go over so well. He really needs to drop the "old man fade out" noise at the end of a lot of his sentences. I think of Grandpa Simpson every single time I hear him trail off with "Eeehhhhheeehhhhhhhh...."

To briefly paraphrase a bit from Jon Stewart, "...in a recent Field Poll, when compared with a Rasmussen Poll, you'll see that LET'S JUST EFFING VOTE ALREADY! is leading." Finally! Polling I understand.

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