Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Seven Years of the World's Cutest Kitten

Well, I think I lost a little bit of my soul today. Granted, I'm practically soulless as it is, but that's when you really notice that a little bit more of it has gone missing all of a sudden. Actually, this wasn't all of a sudden. No, there was a reason for this particular loss of soul. And it involved seventeen seconds and a little cat.

That's right. A little cat. A really cute, really little cat. (A little cat is also known as a kitten, by the way.) See, these folks posted this video on YouTube. It's titled, very simply "Surprised Kitten". And that's just what the video shows. It shows someone tickling the tiniest little kitten that you've ever seen. And when the person stop the tickling, the kitten throws all of it's paws back and it looks really, really surprised. It's quite adorable, I will admit. Behold! The cutest little cat that you'll see all day!

Aww. Wasn't that adorable? Of course it was! How many times did you watch it? Don't lie! I know it wasn't just once. I watched it three times before becoming despondent (more on that in a moment). The little tickling noise that the person (it sounds like it's a guy, but I'm not totally sure, but if it's a chick, I don't want to offend her by thinking that it's a guy because of those man hands in the video, so that's why I'm going with "person") is making is a bit annoying, but the cuteness of the kitten really cancels that out.

Here's the thing: I only clicked on this video because of two reasons. One, it was short. I have the attention span of a gnat and so something that was seventeen seconds long sounded right up my alley. But the real reason I clicked on it was the number of views that it had. At the writing of this post, that video, which was uploaded on October 13, 2009 (soooo....70 days ago) has been viewed a total of 13,005,536 times. Yes, that's million. Thirteen million times. Granted, that's not as many as Jill and Kevin's Wedding Entrance Dance which is currently clocking in at somewhere around 35 million (Good Lord..), but this cat didn't dance. All this cat did was look surprised. I think that had a lot to do with it. That dancing stuff, well, people like it.

But back to the loss of my soul. For some reason (and I do this on occasion) my mind snapped into math mode and I began calculating the time that has been spent watching that video of the little cat. I am well aware that time is relative and that there is no way that this figure that I came up with is indicative of the actual figure that it is. I get that. I'm not one of those people who takes statistics or figures and maniuplates what they are in order to meet their own needs or back up their own theories. Trust me when I say that is that last thing that I want to do. I think the majority of people are morons and that frightens me. Lord knows I really don't want that to be backed up by anything, got it? All right then.

13,005,536 views at 17 seconds per view comes out to 221,094,112 seconds. 221...million? Seconds? That comes out to be 3,684,902 minutes. (I rounded up from 3,684,901.86.) Now, I was a little hopeful at this point because 3.6 million minutes didn't sound as bad as 221 million seconds. Yes, I know that it's the same, but it just sounds better. Too bad it just all went downhill from there, though.

3,684,902 minutes is roughly 61,415 hours. Huh. That sounds like an awful lot of hours, doesn't it? Yep. That's because it is an awful lot of hours. It's also a lot of days, coming in at a total of 2559. Again, I rounded up from 2558.958, so don't send me emails telling me that I'm wrong. I'm not, but if you were thinking that I was, you're an ass.) And here's where it is truly frightening. 2559 days is 7.01 years. Watching. A. Cat.

Is this really what we should be doing with our time? I don't know, but it's not like we're going to stop any time soon. The thing is, that's just time that was spent watching that damn cat. Jill and Kevin's Wedding Entrance Dance was 5 minutes and 9 seconds long. Let's just round that down to five minutes for the sake of humanity, shall we? At 35 million views, that equates to 175,000,000 (that's million) minutes. 2,916,667 hours. 121,528 days. 332 years. Years. Three...how many? Three hundred and thirty two years worth of time spent watching Jill and Kevin and their friends boogie down the aisle toward wedded bliss to the song of a guy who beats up women. (That's not their fault, by the way, and they've raised a boatload of money for a charity that aims to prevent violence against women, so back off!)

I'm pretty sure that we should be doing something else, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what in the heck that should be. Oh, sure, curing cancer, healing the blind, those things come to mind, but there's only one problem with that. I don't know how to do those things! And I'm never going to know how to do those things. It's a little depressing, I realize that, but it's the truth. If you have cancer, don't turn to me for help because that would be a BIG mistake. I mean, if you want someone to hold your hand and tell you knock-knock jokes while you're having chemo, I'm your gal! Other than that, I'd look elsewhere.

But I'm more OK spending hundreds of years watching two people who are obviously in love and who are obviously having a great time on their wedding day than I am with spending seven years watching that little cat. Thus, the removal of part of my soul. ::: sigh ::: But dang it, that cat's cute. Let's watch it again!

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