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So....many...morons! Head...might....explode! You know, it's really easy to narrow things down to just one year. But when you expand that to ten years (because you're falling into the hype of the end of a decade as if it's the end of the world or something) and your list is the worst of something within those ten years? Yeah, if you make a list like that, you must have really done something idiotic. And while some things might be entirely idiotic, sometimes there's just too narrow of a category to warrant making a list (ie, probably should have found those WMDs first and then invaded). That's when what you're going to want to do is to take the contents of your list (ie, "Attack!") and expand the category (ie, Really Moronic Things People Have Said in the Past 10 Years). And while that might seem like a vast and wide topic to try and really come up with an accurate list, trust me. In this case, it can be done. Hoo-boy, can it be done.
I suppose I could start with the Governor of this fine state of California. The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave an interview with right-right-right-right-right-wing radio host Sean Hannity in 2003 when Schwarzenegger was campaigning to be Governor of "Cali-FOR-nia" (as he says). When the topic of gay marriage came up (as it inevitably always will in any discussion about Cali-FOR-nia), the soon-to-be Governator said, "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." I see. Um, perhaps someone could clue him in on what exactly a gay marriage entails? That would be helpful.
Joe Biden is always good for a really moronic quote and he did not disappoint on September 10, 2008 when he was campaigning in Columbia, Missouri and wanted Senator Chuck Graham to stand up so that he could be recognized for the hard work that he had been doing for the Obama Biden campaign. Biden calls out, "Chuck, stand up, let the people see you." That's easier said than done if you're Senator Graham as the man is in a wheelchair. Now granted, Joe Biden immediately realized all of that standing up that he had requested wasn't going to be happening and he did a pretty good job of backtracking or fast talking or whatever it was that he did to get away from that comment, but still. Always make sure that your constituents have the ability to walk before asking them to stand before a very large group of people. Always.
There's no way I could be compiling a list of most moronic things folks have said over the past ten years without having at least one from former President George W. Bush. The problem was choosing only one. But I think I've done it. I think I can safely say that this is my favorite GW quote ever. The context of the speech he was giving at the time is unclear to me (though it does says "Pledge Across America" all over the board behind him, if that helps anyone out), but the content was very clear. Er, not clear. Er, well, I think we all know what he was trying to say, but no one can quite figure out how he messed it up. He said: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." Um, yeah. What now?
And while that's relatively amusing on it's own accord in print like that, you really can't fully appreciate the beauty of it without seeing/hearing it for yourself. Behold!
Now that's something! I'm not sure exactly what, but it's definitely something!
But enough of politicians already. Let's move onto pop tarts, shall we? First up, we have a one Britney Spears. Now, Miss Spears has never really been known for her intellect. No, she's been known more for her fantastic voice, marrying Fresno's favorite son, Kevin Federline, and also shaving her head bald and attacking some sort of motor vehicle with an umbrella. (To this day, it's still really unclear just what, exactly, the vehicle did to her to warrant such a beating.) Really, it should come as no surprise that she's not all that well versed in the concept of geography, should it? No, it shouldn't. That's how we can explain her statement back in 2004 of "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." Now, now! Before we all rush to judgment, perhaps she was on a boat when she said that. Or perhaps she was in Europe! What's that? No? Neither of those? Smack dab in the middle of the mainland, eh? Huh. Unfortunate.
Well, at least that quotation kind of explains this next quote of Britney's. I don't know what all she was up to in between 2004 and 2007, but it didn't seem to involve any sort of an atlas because she was also heard to say, "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." That's perplexing on so many levels. Japan, a country where the sole activity (pun kind of intended) is eating fish. A fact of which you must be aware of if you're ever traveling...to...Africa? Right. Um...yeah, I don't rightly know what to say about all of that.
But what is it with these pop singers and their lack of geographical awareness? Take Christina Aguilera. Perhaps she was just trying to avoid showing up in the wrong place when she inquired "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" Tell you what, Christina. How about you just give it a moment of thought (we'll wait!) and see what you come up with. Take your time! Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the one that's often overlooked!
I'm kind of going to guess that some of these blonde pop tart singer chicks all know each other? They seem to have a few things in common in the smarts department. Take Jessica Simpson, for example. No, not one of Bart's younger sisters (those are Lisa and Maggie). Jessica Simpson is the hottie who was married to Nick Lachey for a while. (After they split and he realized his meal ticket split with her, he ended up hosting or being on Dancing With the Stars, which isn't bad work if you can get it, from what I hear.) And even though they've been divorced for a while now, and even though it was back in October of 2003 when she became confused over the contents of a can of tuna fish, it is so unbelievable that it's almost like it happened yesterday. Come on! Are you telling me that you thought it was almost seven years ago that she asked Nick, "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.' " That wasn't seven years ago, was it? It was?! It's amazing how some things just stick in your head. Obviously not things like what is chicken and what is fish for some people, but other things.
All I have to say is that it's a good thing those chicks are pretty.
And speaking of pretty chicks, this list wouldn't be complete (actually, it will never be complete; do you know how many morons were out there over the past ten years who couldn't keep their mouths shut?) without my favorite "regular person" quote probably ever. That person was Caitlin Upton. If you're scratching your head (please, just let it be your head) right now and wondering "Who?", I'll bet it would jog your memory if I told you that Ms. Upton was Miss Teen South Carolina in 2007. Ring a bell? Just in case, here's a recap:
During the question-y part (I believe that's the official name) of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, the following question was presented to Ms. Upton:
"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"
Now, mind you, if that had been me up there, my response would have been something along the lines of "WTF? Are you kidding me? Who told you that? Where do you get that statistic?!" (Of course, that would have been my response AFTER asking, "WTF am I doing up here in some sort of beauty pageant in the first place?!" But not Miss Teen South Carolina. Oh, no. This is the moment she has been practicing for. This is the moment that she has been going over and over and over in her head for...for...well, I'm guessing for a long time. She should be ready! She should be prepared! She should have thought about it longer because this was her response:
"I personally believe, that US Americans are unable to do so, because, uh, some...people out there, in our nation, don't have maps, and...uh I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here, in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future... for our children."
Good Lord, miss. It's because some people "out there" don't have maps?! Well, clearly Britney doesn't, but what about everyone else? Is that really the reason? And did she really say "the Iraq"? Yep. Yep, she did! And you know, that was only two years ago, but it's still funny! Still. Very. Funny. I'm not sure if I should hope for an equal amount of amusement from quotable morons over the next ten years or not. (You know how I feel about the morons.) I suppose as long as it's only an equal number of mind boggling quotes and not a greater number, then we'll be OK. After all, I've long given up hoping that folks start wising up. It's better just to keep them at a distance and mock them from afar. It's very entertaining and much safer this way.