Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Bimbo Number Ten? Number Ten?

To quote the absolutely adorable Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live last week, Tiger Woods drove his SUV into a tree and a bunch of ladies fell out. I'm well aware that people have affairs when they're married. Those people are known as adulterers. Those adulterers are also known as scumbags. (Look, if you're going to cheat on your spouse, what say you don't do that and you don't humiliate them and instead you just divorce them, OK? OK, then.) And seriously folks, I can understand cheating on your spouse with one person and I can sort of comprehend cheating on your spouse with two people. Anything over two and you're a certain kind of scumbag. But Tiger Woods is closing in on double digits. Right now, we're up to seven confirmed bimbos and two semi-confirmed bimbos. Sources over at MSNBC say that "The number of women connected to Tiger Woods could top a dozen by week’s end." Could top a dozen. A dozen. A dozen is twelve the last time I checked. Really, Tiger? Twelve?

What is wrong with you that you've been married only since 2004 and you have two very small children at home with your Swedish bombshell of a wife and you're sleeping around with at least twelve different women. Well, for starters, you're an egotistical pig. To quote Keith Olbermann, we now know what Tiger's handicap is. It's cocktail waitresses.

I've composed a grid, a la Brady Bunch style, of the currently confirmed mistresses and the two alleged mistresses. Behold!

God, I love Photoshop. Let's take a gander at the sort of woman that Tiger sleeps with, shall we? Oh, wait. Pretty much his type of woman would be simply those who are female. There is sort of a theme with these chicks. See if you can figure it out before we get to the end here. Thank God that the Herald Sun down there in Australia put together a comprehensive list of where we're at so far. That was really helpful to me.

Bimbo Number One is Rachel Uchitel. (You can pronounce these chick's names any way you'd like. That's the least of my concerns here. On with the bimbos!) So far, Uchitel has continued to deny that she is linked to Tiger Woods. Granted, she has latched onto despicable human being and sensationalistic media whore attorney Gloria Allred, so you really can't believe that she is completely innocent. Word lately is that she was paid at least a million dollars by Tiger's people to keep quiet about her affair with him. Pretty easy money for her, but money not so well spent by him, I'm thinking. I mean, big deal. She's quiet, but the other eight (so far) are talking. What? You think that his wife is going to be OK with only eight mistresses, but if she had found out it was nine that she would have flipped out? I don't think that's how these things work.

Bimbo Number Two is Jaimee Grubbs. If you're spelling your first name with two e's like that, you're a certain kind of chick. Admit it. Think of anyone you've ever known (if you've had such a pleasure) that has spelled their name with two e's at the end like that. Yeah. Them. Got it? All right. Now I know we're on the same page. Ms. Grubbs, who claims to have had a 31-month long affair with the philandering golfer, sold a voicemail that Tiger (aka, the Cheetah) left for her, desperately asking her to take her name off of her voicemail so that it was just a number. She sold that voicemail for a reported $150,000. She didn't make out quite as well as Ms. Uchitel did on her deal. She should have bargained more. Never take the first offer. That's just the rule!

Bimbo Number Three is a one Kalika Moquin. She is 27-years old and manages some sort of a club in Vegas. According to the Herald Sun, when asked to comment on her alleged affair with Tiger Woods, "She would neither confirm nor deny the report." She was doing him.

Bimbo Number Four is a one Cori Rist. The first name ending in a single i tends to follow the rule of the sort of person that name is attached to as does the double e rule, though the single i rule is not quite as strict as the double e. Ms. Rist is apparently a swimsuit model who flew to various junctures around the globe to engage in various sexual trysts with Mr. Woods.

Bimbo Number Five is a one Jamie Jungers. Congratulations to Ms. Jungers for spelling her first name in a way that is traditional and normal. Not so much congratulations for having previously made her living as an employee of Trashy Girls Lingerie. Sounds classy, doesn't it? She is rumored to have sold her story to a British paper and that story should be coming out sometime this week. They'd better hurry. With the number of chicks coming out of the woodwork, no one is going to care if it....oh. Wait a minute. I'm not so sure that anyone cares now.

Bimbo Number Six is 33-year old Mindy Lawton, a waitress at the Orlando pancake house, Perkins. She's a coffee house waitress? Really, Tiger? Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with being a coffee house waitress. It's honorable work. I guess I just...I don't know. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how he would think it would be OK to have tawdry sex (and it was tawdry...apparently in his car outside of her trailer park) with just a plain ol' waitress and have her not talk about it. Actually, I'm kind of wondering that about all of these women. But more on that later. By the way, she has earned the nickname in the media as the Flapjack Floozy. I like it. It's funny.

The seventh confirmed Bimbo is Holly Sampson. Ms. Sampson, according to The Sun, has starred "...in a string of fetish movies, including bondage flicks." What was that word I used a moment ago? Oh, that's right. Classy. She's starred in films such as "OMG, Stop Tickling Me" and "Flying Solo 2." Huh. Wow. So, that Stop Tickling Me movie, does that have Elmo in it? Like Tickle Me Elmo? Is it for the kids? And I don't recall having ever seen Flying Solo 1, the original, but I'm guessing it must have been pretty darned good if they made a sequel, wouldn't you agree? I'm guessing it must have been some sort of aviation instructional film, so it might not have had a widespread audience. That must be why I've never heard of it! Of course!

Unconfirmed Bimbo Number Eight is "...a former cocktail waitress from Orlando, Florida she was 20 years old and met Woods at the Roxy in Orlando, where she was a VIP server." What, exactly, is a VIP server? Escort? Whore? I don't think that she was serving up just cocktails, I'll tell you that much. I'll also tell you this much: The "unconfirmed" part of Bimbo Number Eight's moniker is not long for this world. Her story sounds completely plausible, as it is exactly like all of the other stories that have come forward.

And finally (for now), Unconfirmed Bimbo Number Nine is "... a “sexy” British TV presenter who was single at the time, but is now married." See, this is what I was waiting for. Let's just assume that the first eight are all legitimate, as we have no reason to believe that they're not. That's just on this continent. Tiger has played in the British Open for the last 13 years (excluding 2008 when he was injured or something). Can we expect at least eight more bimbos across the pond to pop up? I think we can!

Wait! This just in! Unconfirmed Bimbo Number Ten! We have hit unconfirmed double digits of whores that Tiger Woods is cheating on his wife with! This one "...is reported in a UK paper to be a “sex-addicted cougar.” Hmmm. That one seems a little vague, but I am admittedly intrigued by the "cougar" label. Just exactly how cougar-ish are we talking? 40+? 50+? The elderly? What gives?

No one has seen this lying, cheating scumbag since the night of his unfortunate accident when he plowed into the tree after bouncing off of several hedges and a fire hydrant. I can only hope that he has been enduring many more beatings at the hands of his current (but I'm guessing not for long) wife Elin. Any guesses as to how many bimbos we're going to end up with as a grand total? I'll say 15. Minimum. If it hits 20, we might have hit a new low as far as cheaters go. Cheating in and of itself is pretty low, but with 20 different women? All I can say is that I hope Tiger catches something and his own personal driver shrivels up and falls off, if you know what I mean.

By the way, I need to thank my good friend, AliceAmplified, for providing me with the above image. I love Photoshop and all, but I can't take credit for this one. Thanks!

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