Thursday, December 17, 2009

A World With Sarah Palin, But Without Tomatoes

It's finally happened. That's right. Morons have finally infiltrated management positions at membership warehouse wholesalers. What's next?!

Here's the story: Earlier this month on the 7th, former half term Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin was at the Mall of America in Minnesota (or, if you're Sarah Palin, Minnesooota) doing a book signing for her book Going Rogue. At some point during said signing, some jackass thought that it would be a good idea to act as if we are all living out some sort of cartoon fantasy and throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin. That jackass turned out to be a one 33-year-old Jeremy Paul Olson from St. Paul who also goes by the name Jeremiah Wobbe. Um, OK. Look, you can call yourself anything you want, but if you throw tomatoes at someone, you're still a jackass no matter what you say your name is. Behold! A tomato throwing jackass!

Huh. Yeah, that seems about right. Anyway, the guy had horrible aim and instead of hitting Mrs. Palin, he hit a police officer instead. Oh. Unfortunate. He was arrested and charged with assault and disorderly conduct charges. Upon his arrest, he was also found to be carrying two other tomatoes, but was not charged with any sort of weapons violation. Odd.

So that's that, right? Mrs. Palin is fine. The books were signed. She mosied along on her way (I picture her moseying these days) and life goes on, right? Not so fast. Welcome to Salt Lake City, Utah!

It seems that former half term Governor of Alaska Palin was to do a book signing at a Costco in Salt Lake. According to an article in the Salt Lake Tribune, a one Helen Rappaport had gone to do a little shopping in bulk at said Costco. With the parking lot full of cars, she was pleasantly surprised to find the aisles completely empty! And if you've ever shopped at a Costco, you know that that is a joyous occasion indeed! (Just think! All of those free samples available and she didn't have to worry about getting trampled by a herd of folks who have seemingly been starved for the past 2 weeks and must have that 1" x 1" square of garlic bread in order to survive another moment!) But if there were so many cars, why weren't there so many people?

Turns out that the people were the for the Going Rogue signing. Clearly, Ms. Rappaport had no idea about that. Thus, I'm assuming she just wanted something like 5 pounds of tuna fish and a bag of potato chips so large that you and your family could camp inside the bag after three months when you've finally eaten all of the chips. You know, your typical Costco fare.)

So she breezes through the checkout line when she realizes that she forgot what? That's right. That delicious fruit which masquerades as a vegetable, the tomato. She had forgotten not just tomatoes, but grape tomatoes. Grape tomatoes are technically tomatoes. They're about the size of a walnut and they're completely useless in my opinion. They're small, but they're too damn big to just put on a salad. One bit of that thing and the innards go squishing out all over the place (and I will not be the weirdo that cuts my salad fixins with a knife, I'll tell you that right now!).

As the story goes, "The clerk told her they had no tomatoes that day." What? No tomatoes? At freaking Costco? Um, Costco sells coffins. Costco sells Picasso paintings. Costco sells thirty thousand dollar watches. Costco sells everything and part of that everything is tomatoes! What gives? I'll tell you what gives. Idiocy gives. That's what.

When she asked a store manager what the deal was "He informed her the store did have tomatoes, but they were taken off the shelves for a few hours." A few hours? Hours? Do you want to guess why? Come on. Guess. Just guess! "It turns out that Palin had been pelted with a tomato at an earlier stop on her book tour and the management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen here."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

Um, what now? They...they....hold on a minute. I don't know if I can finish this without beating my head against something first. They hid the tomatoes so that no one would throw them at Sarah Palin? Because ONE guy threw tomatoes at Sarah Palin, suddenly all rogue Costco members are going to want to throw tomatoes that they purchased wholesale at Sarah Palin?! They're going to be such loyal members of Costco that they wouldn't dream of bringing their retail purchased tomatoes to hurl at her, is that it? Good Lord, man who made that decision. What is wrong with you?!

I was completely unaware that tomatoes were the only thing that could be hurled at someone who barely completed half of their term as the governor of a very cold state! I need to have that line of thinking explained to me because I am completely stunned that someone would even think that, let alone act upon it.

Does that manager realize how many different kinds of fruits and vegetables there are in the world? AND, thanks to gravity, that nearly ALL produce (sans watermelons and maybe pineapples 'cause they're pokey) is suitable for some sort of hurling? He doesn't think that someone could do a fair amount of damage by clocking Mrs. Palin in her noggin there with an overly ripe avocado? What about those pears wearing little coats? What are those again? Asian pears! That's it? Do you think that having an Asian pear knock her upside the head wouldn't be a problem? I think it would. God forbid if someone wanted to start throwing carrots at her. It could end up like those circus knife throwers. Just one right after the other, all thwacking into the board behind her. (Actually, that sounds like a pretty good crowd pleaser. Maybe keep that one on the back burner for when sales die down and they really need to start reeling more folks in.)

But I think the part that really kills me is that they were the grape tomatoes. If someone threw a grape tomato at you, I'm having a hard time believing that you'd even notice. The person would probably have to let you know. ("Hey! You! You with the pen and the books and those really sexy Tina Fey glasses! Yeah, you! I just hit you with a tomato! A tomato! Yes! What do you mean where? Right there! Just now! Oh for cryin' out loud! Go back to signing and I'll do it again! But this time pay attention!")

You know, it's not just tomatoes that have a history of being thrown at people that others dislike. Eggs are a favorite. So are pies. Did Costco put all of their pies in the vault for safe keeping during this event? What about blocks of cheese? Creamed corn? (Better yet, don't just throw the can of creamed corn at her. Ladle it, piping hot, out of a crockpot and hurl that in her direction!) Dinner rolls? Oh, wait! I know! Everything?!?!

This is one of the more outrageous examples of someone overreacting to absolutely nothing, but doing so in a way that accomplishes absolutely nothing. I don't know if this manager should be fired, shot, smacked upside the head, or given a position with the Federal Government. What's that saying? The government does two things: Overreact and nothing. This guy did both of those at once! Hire that man!

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