Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Gaudiness of Drug Dealers

Down south in Mexico, America's...Shoe, the drug cartels are in full swing these days. To say that it is a big business would be a gross understatement. It's enormous. And they take all of this drug trafficking thing VERY seriously. So seriously that the drug gangs in Mexico are incredibly violent (they have a penchant for de-noggin-izing those who get in the way of their profiteering) and it's really not all that safe down in the non-touristy parts of Mexico right now. (Mexico thrives on the spots that the tourists frequent. without the tourism dollars, Mexico's economy would tank. The drug lords know this and basically stay away from the high tourist destinations. They prefer to keep their organized mayhem amongst the locals and let the visitors to their country see the sights. Aahhh, the sign of a good businessman.)

Now, the gangs and the cartels are all making an incredible amount of money with the whole trading of the drugs around. And like any capitalist enterprise, a percentage of the revenue goes back into the business and what is left after that is the profit. No sense in just keeping a big pile of money around. That would appear to be the line of thinking that the drug lords tend to go with. Thus, they spend it on items to not only enhance their standing within the gang-drug-trade profession/organizations, it also enables them to look as cool as they think that they are. That is to say, not very. "Shiny" would describe their purchases with their ill-begotten funds more than "cool" would.

When a drug lord gets busted (still not real clear on how or when that happens, but it apparently does on occasion) Mexico's Asset Administration and Disposal Service (the ol' SAE) gets to gather up their belongings and sell them off and then disperse the proceeds between the attorney general's office, the court system and the health department. Huh. Diverse.

And while it's a fine idea, my question is who is going to buy this stuff? Because it would seem to me that the people who would be in the market for some of these items are the exact same type of people that the items were seized from. The drug lords! Behold!

Here we have what appears to be Mexico's version of the perp walk, only instead of parading the suspects out in front of a live studio audience, they parade them past the cache of weaponry that has just been seized from their Tuf-Shed. Behold!

But if you really want to make a statement (not sure exactly about WHAT, but a statement, nonetheless), you can always go with something a bit more flashy....more gaudy....more...Zorro the Really, Really Gay Blade, But With a Gun. Like this!

And if you'd really like to show people what kind of a drug lord you are, you can wheel and deal on this gold and diamond encased cell phone (which would show that you're the type of drug lord who doesn't know when people are laughing at them), behold!

So do you think that the local shopkeeper who is looking for a firearm for protection is going to think to himself, "I wonder if they have any solid gold Colt handguns somewhere around here? Maybe Sears? Where would I get me something like that? Ooh! And a holster with rhinestones! Yeah, I WISH."

I ran the text of the placard there in the front through Google Translate and it returned this translation:

"marcotraficante staff of the weapon is also their working tool, it aims to express the symbol of his "power", hence the preference for larger sizes, at the same time the weapon is a showcase to display their wealth, through ostentatious cachas and recorded in the body of the gun." Translation of the translation: Penis extension. Doesn't matter the country, doesn't matter the language, it's a penis extension no matter how you look at it. (And hopefully you won't have to!)

I think if Scarface were gay and had a Vegas show with a gangster theme, these would be only some of the props.Sign translation: Someting about it being a Colt .45 and it was taken at a Gold Cup National Soccer Match. Huh. Why do you need a gold, silver and be-diamonded handgun at a soccer match? In case there's a bad call?

Here we have Jesus. No! Not THAT Jesus! Jesus. Son of God Jesus. You know Him! And what personal firearm would be complete without a small gold Jesus on the side of the grip? At least, I think it's Jesus. Could be one of those Saints that they have one of for everything over there. Violente, the patron saint of drug trafficking perhaps?

Below is a gold plated Versace gun and $30,000 in cash. Hey! I don't think that gun is REALLY a Versace! Did you buy the gun at the same place where they were selling designer handbags for really cheap? That might explain it. And I've got ten bucks that says that the owner of that gun wore Sergio Valente jeans as well.
And these are just the weapons. Can you imagine what their drug financed dwellings must look like if they bling-out their firearms like that? Let's take a look and see if a drug lords taste in weaponry is similar to his taste in home decor, shall we?

Well. Here's something you don't see every day. Thank God. What the hell is that? It's like a man-made cavern INSIDE of someone's house. Well, palace. OK, DRUG PALACE. Regardless, it's freaking weird! I can't tell if that thing in the water is supposed to be a floating shoe or a canoe or what.

What drug chalet would be complete without the cache of exotic animals to serve as pets (and to hopefully get them laid)? Here we have the everyday drug dealer pet, the black panther. These particular panthers are not wearing the traditional diamond medallions that are seen on some of the more commonly owned black panthers.

So, say I was a drug lord. Where, exactly, do I go about buying myself a lion? Behold!

It's kind of like how Michael Jackson's Neverland was; just substitute all of the children with drugs and they're practically the same. You have to have a cherub doing a handstand by the pool! If you don't, the other drug lords will think that you're a wuss.
In case you're thinking about picking up some of these gems for your own personal abode and wanted to know how to go about something as odd as that, according to The Telegraph, the auctions to sell these items usually take place in "upmarket hotels or on eBay". eBay?! Next to Sarah Palin's state jet or what? That doesn't seem right. Then again, neither does burning all of the drugs that they've seized once they've got Cokey Smurf behind bars. Behold!

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