Monday, July 27, 2009

Family Man Jon Gosselin

If all goes well, when Jon & Kate Plus 8 returns to the programming schedule of TLC (formerly "The Learning Channel", but due to the minimal amount of actual "learning" taking place, it is now known simply as The Freak ChannelTLC) people will be so sickened by this whole debacle that the plunge in ratings will boot this exploitative freak show off of the air.

In case you're blissfully unaware of who these people are, well, I envy you. Jon and Kate are Jon and Kate Gosselin, a 30-something couple residing in Pennsylvania with their eight children, 8-year old twin girls and their just turned 5-year old sextuplets. The new season (which is inexplicably the FIFTH) was supposed to have kicked off in June and ran for 46 episodes (again, another inexplicable number), but instead the first episode aired and Jon and Kate announced that they were separating and would get a divorce. Talk about your plot twist!

Leading up to the non-shocking announcement, Jon and Kate were able to experience what it is like to become media and tabloid fodder, with rumors of Jon cheating on Kate with the 22-year old daughter of the doctor who did Kate's tummy tuck for free (after hauling six kids around inside of you for months on end, your skin tends to stretch out a bit, apparently). Jon, of course, vehemently (as much as a liar can be vehement about anything, that is) denied these allegations pre-separation. Post-separation he's been spotted canoodling with his little tramp in public. Oh, but wait. It was a DIFFERENT little tramp than the one that had been alleged when all of the alleging was going on.

The reasons for the divorce stemmed from Kate being a shrew and wanting to be this famous person who would do her globetrotting to various speaking engagements to talk about how wonderful of a parent she is and if she needs to give you proof then you can conveniently purchase her book at the same time that she is telling you how great she is. The reasons for the divorce also stemmed from Jon being less than enthusiastic about the television show and possibly even less enthusiastic than that about being a father to eight children at the ripe old age of 32. You could just tell that the guy's heart wasn't quite in it, but what was he going to do?

He was going to leave, that's what. And that he did. He seems to be awfully pleased with his own act, having finally learned how to "stand up for himself" instead of letting Kate just walk all over him. And at the same time, judging from his post separation behaviors, he also seems to have taken up new residence right smack dab in the middle of Fantasy Land.

Not only has Jon been out in public with the 22-year old Hailey Glassman, they went to St. Tropez together! Meanwhile, back at the sprawling family home, Kate was tending to their eight (yes, eight!) children. What's wrong with that picture? Plenty more than just him off in France with his free whore while his still-wife is at home with the kids. Whilst in the South of France and speaking with People Magazine on the phone, Gosselin had these heartwarming words to say about his family: "Every 10 minutes I keep thinking about the kids and missing them. Mady keeps calling me and asking me if I'm in France, but she doesn't understand where France is." Um, you sir, are a jackass.

So good to know that you keep "thinking about" your kids every 10 minutes. That TOTALLY makes up for you not being there! Sure! And your kids? All eight of them? They're TOTALLY fine with it. Right? NO!!! Of course not you idiot! And while I'm on the subject, your daughter doesn't need to know where France IS, moron! That's not what she's saying! She's saying that her Dad isn't there and she wants him to be! Are you really THAT out of touch with what your kids want and need?

He must be because it apparently isn't enough for the eight children to have to have their parents go through a divorce AND do it on national TV in front of the country, not to mention on the Internet in front of the entire world. I hope that TLC is not only compensating them fairly for this show, but also providing them with free lifetime therapy, as they're going to need it.

Now their Dad gets to run around with his little tramps in public and I'm sure that they'll be able to view that on the Internet if not currently, then someday. That'll sure be a treat for them, won't it? Oh, yeah! And as for Hailey Glassman, well, let's just say that she's the anti-Kate. Naturally pictures of her in all of her glory finally surfaced. Just wait until the children run across these online one day. Behold! Glory!

But wait! There's more!

More? More whores! Let's see how many chicks Jon Gosselin can bed in the first few months after separating from his wife, Kate! In fact, let's see how many chicks he can miraculously cajole into sleeping with him that have the same name as his wife! Well, we're up to ONE so far (which is a little creepy, if you're asking me). Next in line after the 22-year old! Someone a little bit older! This one is 25!! Woot! Woot! A one Kate Major! Behold!

(What's up with the hair? Does she carry a wind machine around with her in case a photo op should happen to take place? Whose hair does that?!) Where'd he come up with this one? Would you believe me if I said that she was a reporter for Star Magazine that went to do a story on him and, in her words "I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him." That according to The Hollywood Gossip. Is it any wonder that she's denying that she used to work as a call girl?

Yeah, he goes for the folks who just SCREAM 'classy'. Which is the ONLY thing that can explain who Jon was hanging out with last weekend. That's right. The name that is synonmous with classy, Michael Lohan. Behold!

If that isn't proof enough as to what a media whore Jon Gosselin has become, then I don't know what else to tell you. Michael LOHAN?? Are you kidding me? That man is sludge. But he does know a thing or two about exploiting his children, that's for sure. Him and Jon should be able to swap stories for hours on end (probably in a jail cell if they follow Michael Lohan's usual path to greatness). Meanwhile, evidence of his continuing to live in a fantasy world presents itself when he told People "I'm just trying to concentrate on my family first, second my career. That's what I have to do."

Riiiiight. And the way to do all of that concentrating is to be hanging out in the Hamptons with Michael Lohan and an ex-stripper, ex-tabloid reporter blonde chick that you're shtupping. (She quit her job at Star Magazine so that she could be with Jon. Apparently, a tabloid like Star Magazine has some sort of ethical code or something and they felt that her boinking Jon would be a conflict of interest or something like that. Odd, eh? I thought so too.) Still in Fantasy Land, he added "I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids." Again, because there is NO way that they'll ever find all of this stuff on the Internet. It's so...obscure! Yeah, uh-huh. You sir, are a jackass. And not a very bright one at that.By the way, it was news to Hailey Glassman that Jon was with Kate Major. I know that's just a complete shock to the system to hear that, but apparently it's true!

I wonder if this is what he had in mind when he said that he's just trying to concentrate on his family. You know, do what's best for them. Like taking up smoking! Excellent choice! Very family oriented!

So, I think I've done a fairly good job of summing this one up for you. Jon Gosselin is a pig. Kate is still a shrew, but she's looking a hell of a lot better these days than her loser still-husband. Get a grip on yourself, Jon. (At least then you wouldn't be needing to sleep with any female you encounter.) Please disappear from the public radar and slink back into obscurity by just being a Dad to your kids so that they don't grow up to be more screwed up than they could possibly already be. And stop hanging around Michael Lohan, for God sakes. Have a SHRED of self-respect, would you? (Though if you must insist on hanging out with him, see if he can hook you up with Lindsay. I hear her and Samantha Ronson are back together and Sam Ronson would kick your doughy ass to the curb and I'd just really like to see that. Thanks!)

In the meantime, we'll all just hope the show gets cancelled, the kids get therapy and that Jon gets a life. Or at least a clue.

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