DWTS - Don't Want Telling Stories

For some reason, Kate Gosselin managed to survive the first cut on Dancing With The Stars. She didn't dance particularly well. Granted, she wasn't the lowest scoring "star", but when you're only scoring a couple of points above the 80 year old Buzz Aldrin, you're really not helping your cause by pointing out you didn't have the lowest score.

I guess I didn't think that she'd be around after the first cut because she is a reprehensible human being. She's loathsome. The only one more loathsome than her would be her ex-husband Jon Gosselin. He is truly a reprehensible human being. The two of them together were damn near unwatchable on their show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, where they exploited their eight children for profit. And when they were getting divorced? Holy crap, I thought that the tabloids and the media would never stop talking about either one of them. Her and her pain. Him and his fornicating dalliances. It was unbearable at one point. That's why it seems like a really good idea to me for Kate's routine on DWTS next week to be a Jon and Kate themed dance with Kate portraying her wicked self and her partner, a one Tony Dovolani, channeling the now rotund and rumored small penis sporting ex-husband Jon. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to the exclamatory folks over there at E! Online : "Kate will be transforming her recent tabloid troubles into a high-stepping dance routine." She will? Yes. She will. And according to Kate, "It's my story over the past two years. We're very, very excited." Um, no we're not.

How in the hell is that even possible? Is it Customs of Native America week on DWTS? And over the past two years? Why limit it to that? What? You can't figure out how to spin the yard of shooting six kids out of your uterus through the wonders of dance? Huh. Shocking. But why on earth would she choose the past two years? (Look, I know that the real question is why this nutjob would be choosing to do any part of her life as a dance routine. The answer to that is that she is a mentally imbalanced narcissist. Any other questions? Good. Now, back to the mocking...)

She's going to dance out her divorce from Jon? Oooh! Are the skanks that he was running around with going to be included in this routine? Because that I could get on board with a little bit. It'd definitely spice things up a bit. She could be all dancing with Tony/Jon and suddenly, some other dancer chick comes running up and boots her out of the way and sashays off the floor with Tony/Jon. Then if Kate laid there on the dance floor and cried for a while, that would make me happy. (Add a bit of running mascara and I'd be highly amused by it all.)


According to the E! Online folks, when asked how to describe said dance, Kate replied with "Dramatic" and Tony added "Lots of drama." That's when Kate felt the need to make clear "Oh my gosh, so much drama." Really, Kate? You had to throw that in? You think that we all don't know about your public trials and tribulations? You ruined a perfectly good summer for a lot of us by having to see your damn face on every gossip/entertainment magazine that we were trying to read whilst lying on the beach. Your entire existence over the past 2 years has been nothing BUT drama!! And now you're going to make us re-live the whole torrid ordeal by making us watch you dance it out?! Are you freaking kidding me?

I'm kind of guessing that she's still on the show because she's horrible and people want to watch her make a fool out of herself. (And if you saw last week's episode where she made her partner, Tony, so frustrated that at one point, he quit and walked out on her, then you know it was very entertaining!) But, of course, Kate (being Kate) says that "My dancing has a lot of work to do, and I'm the first to admit it. I'm not a quitter, I won't quit on this. I want to finish the dance." I don't know if you were the very first to admit it. But don't worry about quitting! It's perfectly all right! If that means that we don't have to look at your really weird fake hair and your forced smile anymore, feel free to quit! Quit away!

She also explains to us that "The frustrating thing for me is I can do it so well in practice that even I'm like, Wow! Did I just do that? Then I come out here and I'm like, Whaaa!" Um, I don't even know what that means, really. Whatever it is, it's unbelievable. And also whatever it is, I certainly don't want it explained to me through a series of dance moves. Because that would be what? Completely asinine, that is correct.

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Family Man Jon Gosselin

If all goes well, when Jon & Kate Plus 8 returns to the programming schedule of TLC (formerly "The Learning Channel", but due to the minimal amount of actual "learning" taking place, it is now known simply as The Freak ChannelTLC) people will be so sickened by this whole debacle that the plunge in ratings will boot this exploitative freak show off of the air.

In case you're blissfully unaware of who these people are, well, I envy you. Jon and Kate are Jon and Kate Gosselin, a 30-something couple residing in Pennsylvania with their eight children, 8-year old twin girls and their just turned 5-year old sextuplets. The new season (which is inexplicably the FIFTH) was supposed to have kicked off in June and ran for 46 episodes (again, another inexplicable number), but instead the first episode aired and Jon and Kate announced that they were separating and would get a divorce. Talk about your plot twist!

Leading up to the non-shocking announcement, Jon and Kate were able to experience what it is like to become media and tabloid fodder, with rumors of Jon cheating on Kate with the 22-year old daughter of the doctor who did Kate's tummy tuck for free (after hauling six kids around inside of you for months on end, your skin tends to stretch out a bit, apparently). Jon, of course, vehemently (as much as a liar can be vehement about anything, that is) denied these allegations pre-separation. Post-separation he's been spotted canoodling with his little tramp in public. Oh, but wait. It was a DIFFERENT little tramp than the one that had been alleged when all of the alleging was going on.

The reasons for the divorce stemmed from Kate being a shrew and wanting to be this famous person who would do her globetrotting to various speaking engagements to talk about how wonderful of a parent she is and if she needs to give you proof then you can conveniently purchase her book at the same time that she is telling you how great she is. The reasons for the divorce also stemmed from Jon being less than enthusiastic about the television show and possibly even less enthusiastic than that about being a father to eight children at the ripe old age of 32. You could just tell that the guy's heart wasn't quite in it, but what was he going to do?

He was going to leave, that's what. And that he did. He seems to be awfully pleased with his own act, having finally learned how to "stand up for himself" instead of letting Kate just walk all over him. And at the same time, judging from his post separation behaviors, he also seems to have taken up new residence right smack dab in the middle of Fantasy Land.

Not only has Jon been out in public with the 22-year old Hailey Glassman, they went to St. Tropez together! Meanwhile, back at the sprawling family home, Kate was tending to their eight (yes, eight!) children. What's wrong with that picture? Plenty more than just him off in France with his free whore while his still-wife is at home with the kids. Whilst in the South of France and speaking with People Magazine on the phone, Gosselin had these heartwarming words to say about his family: "Every 10 minutes I keep thinking about the kids and missing them. Mady keeps calling me and asking me if I'm in France, but she doesn't understand where France is." Um, you sir, are a jackass.

So good to know that you keep "thinking about" your kids every 10 minutes. That TOTALLY makes up for you not being there! Sure! And your kids? All eight of them? They're TOTALLY fine with it. Right? NO!!! Of course not you idiot! And while I'm on the subject, your daughter doesn't need to know where France IS, moron! That's not what she's saying! She's saying that her Dad isn't there and she wants him to be! Are you really THAT out of touch with what your kids want and need?

He must be because it apparently isn't enough for the eight children to have to have their parents go through a divorce AND do it on national TV in front of the country, not to mention on the Internet in front of the entire world. I hope that TLC is not only compensating them fairly for this show, but also providing them with free lifetime therapy, as they're going to need it.

Now their Dad gets to run around with his little tramps in public and I'm sure that they'll be able to view that on the Internet if not currently, then someday. That'll sure be a treat for them, won't it? Oh, yeah! And as for Hailey Glassman, well, let's just say that she's the anti-Kate. Naturally pictures of her in all of her glory finally surfaced. Just wait until the children run across these online one day. Behold! Glory!

But wait! There's more!

More? More whores! Let's see how many chicks Jon Gosselin can bed in the first few months after separating from his wife, Kate! In fact, let's see how many chicks he can miraculously cajole into sleeping with him that have the same name as his wife! Well, we're up to ONE so far (which is a little creepy, if you're asking me). Next in line after the 22-year old! Someone a little bit older! This one is 25!! Woot! Woot! A one Kate Major! Behold!


(What's up with the hair? Does she carry a wind machine around with her in case a photo op should happen to take place? Whose hair does that?!) Where'd he come up with this one? Would you believe me if I said that she was a reporter for Star Magazine that went to do a story on him and, in her words "I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him." That according to The Hollywood Gossip. Is it any wonder that she's denying that she used to work as a call girl?

Yeah, he goes for the folks who just SCREAM 'classy'. Which is the ONLY thing that can explain who Jon was hanging out with last weekend. That's right. The name that is synonmous with classy, Michael Lohan. Behold!

If that isn't proof enough as to what a media whore Jon Gosselin has become, then I don't know what else to tell you. Michael LOHAN?? Are you kidding me? That man is sludge. But he does know a thing or two about exploiting his children, that's for sure. Him and Jon should be able to swap stories for hours on end (probably in a jail cell if they follow Michael Lohan's usual path to greatness). Meanwhile, evidence of his continuing to live in a fantasy world presents itself when he told People "I'm just trying to concentrate on my family first, second my career. That's what I have to do."

Riiiiight. And the way to do all of that concentrating is to be hanging out in the Hamptons with Michael Lohan and an ex-stripper, ex-tabloid reporter blonde chick that you're shtupping. (She quit her job at Star Magazine so that she could be with Jon. Apparently, a tabloid like Star Magazine has some sort of ethical code or something and they felt that her boinking Jon would be a conflict of interest or something like that. Odd, eh? I thought so too.) Still in Fantasy Land, he added "I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids." Again, because there is NO way that they'll ever find all of this stuff on the Internet. It's so...obscure! Yeah, uh-huh. You sir, are a jackass. And not a very bright one at that.By the way, it was news to Hailey Glassman that Jon was with Kate Major. I know that's just a complete shock to the system to hear that, but apparently it's true!

I wonder if this is what he had in mind when he said that he's just trying to concentrate on his family. You know, do what's best for them. Like taking up smoking! Excellent choice! Very family oriented!

So, I think I've done a fairly good job of summing this one up for you. Jon Gosselin is a pig. Kate is still a shrew, but she's looking a hell of a lot better these days than her loser still-husband. Get a grip on yourself, Jon. (At least then you wouldn't be needing to sleep with any female you encounter.) Please disappear from the public radar and slink back into obscurity by just being a Dad to your kids so that they don't grow up to be more screwed up than they could possibly already be. And stop hanging around Michael Lohan, for God sakes. Have a SHRED of self-respect, would you? (Though if you must insist on hanging out with him, see if he can hook you up with Lindsay. I hear her and Samantha Ronson are back together and Sam Ronson would kick your doughy ass to the curb and I'd just really like to see that. Thanks!)

In the meantime, we'll all just hope the show gets cancelled, the kids get therapy and that Jon gets a life. Or at least a clue.

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Move Over, Aretha's Hat. Kate's Hair is Here!

Sometime within the last three weeks, another reality star debacle was born. This time in the form of Jon and Kate Gosselin from TLC's Jon & Kate Plus Eight. Jon & Kate are the parents of twin girls and a set of sextuplets. Naturally, that sounds so fascinating to no one that TLC decided to make it into a reality series and have cameras film their every move. And 'every move' for Kate would consist of her being a harpy shrew and talking to Jon like he's a mildly retarded four year old. And if you believe the tabloids, 'every move' for Jon would include having an affair with a 23-year old school teacher, an allegation which he half heartedly denies, but does so with firm wording.

I don't know if he's cheating on her. I don't know if she's cheating on him. But I do know that when parents don't get along, it's hard on the kids. VERY hard. You can have a child with a perfectly pleasant disposition with married parents and then one day, when the wife decides she doesn't want to be married anymore and does the divorce thing, the child's pleasant disposition will vanish and it will be replaced with an oft crying small child. And that's just in the private sector. I'd have to imagine that it's even harder on kids who are in the public eye (and not by choice) to go through it.

And that whole sentiment really has nothing to do with this post, but it had to be said. What also has to be said is "What is with Kate's hair?" It's like she couldn't make up her mind what she wanted so she just chose a little of each. It's as if there was a buffet at Supercuts. A little bit of long. A little bit of short. A little bit of bangs. A little bit of spikey. Kind of Flock of Seagulls meets Pete Wentz.

I thought it was possible that it was just me thinking that the hair was...well...kinda different, but not so much in a great way. So I thought I'd see how the hair looked on some other folks. You know....just to try it out and see.

Here's Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair with Kate's hair.

One massive, overpopulated family deserves another, so here's Octomom Nadya Suleman with Kate's hair.

Might as well go overseas too. Here's Susan Boyle with Kate's hair.

The yellow M&M being delicious with Kate's hair!

Brad Pitt being not as delicious with Kate's hair.

For those running in political circles, Aretha Franklin and her hat with Kate's hair!

Michelle Obama with Kate's hair meeting the Queen.

Michelle Obama with Kate's hair meeting the Queen with Kate's hair.

President Barry saving the country with Kate's hair.

Look for the same people that got their hair cut like Jennifer Aniston's during the first and second seasons of 'Friends' to be rushing out to get 'the Kate'. Soon.

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