Thursday, April 1, 2010

DWTS - Don't Want Telling Stories

For some reason, Kate Gosselin managed to survive the first cut on Dancing With The Stars. She didn't dance particularly well. Granted, she wasn't the lowest scoring "star", but when you're only scoring a couple of points above the 80 year old Buzz Aldrin, you're really not helping your cause by pointing out you didn't have the lowest score.

I guess I didn't think that she'd be around after the first cut because she is a reprehensible human being. She's loathsome. The only one more loathsome than her would be her ex-husband Jon Gosselin. He is truly a reprehensible human being. The two of them together were damn near unwatchable on their show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, where they exploited their eight children for profit. And when they were getting divorced? Holy crap, I thought that the tabloids and the media would never stop talking about either one of them. Her and her pain. Him and his fornicating dalliances. It was unbearable at one point. That's why it seems like a really good idea to me for Kate's routine on DWTS next week to be a Jon and Kate themed dance with Kate portraying her wicked self and her partner, a one Tony Dovolani, channeling the now rotund and rumored small penis sporting ex-husband Jon. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to the exclamatory folks over there at E! Online : "Kate will be transforming her recent tabloid troubles into a high-stepping dance routine." She will? Yes. She will. And according to Kate, "It's my story over the past two years. We're very, very excited." Um, no we're not.

How in the hell is that even possible? Is it Customs of Native America week on DWTS? And over the past two years? Why limit it to that? What? You can't figure out how to spin the yard of shooting six kids out of your uterus through the wonders of dance? Huh. Shocking. But why on earth would she choose the past two years? (Look, I know that the real question is why this nutjob would be choosing to do any part of her life as a dance routine. The answer to that is that she is a mentally imbalanced narcissist. Any other questions? Good. Now, back to the mocking...)

She's going to dance out her divorce from Jon? Oooh! Are the skanks that he was running around with going to be included in this routine? Because that I could get on board with a little bit. It'd definitely spice things up a bit. She could be all dancing with Tony/Jon and suddenly, some other dancer chick comes running up and boots her out of the way and sashays off the floor with Tony/Jon. Then if Kate laid there on the dance floor and cried for a while, that would make me happy. (Add a bit of running mascara and I'd be highly amused by it all.)

According to the E! Online folks, when asked how to describe said dance, Kate replied with "Dramatic" and Tony added "Lots of drama." That's when Kate felt the need to make clear "Oh my gosh, so much drama." Really, Kate? You had to throw that in? You think that we all don't know about your public trials and tribulations? You ruined a perfectly good summer for a lot of us by having to see your damn face on every gossip/entertainment magazine that we were trying to read whilst lying on the beach. Your entire existence over the past 2 years has been nothing BUT drama!! And now you're going to make us re-live the whole torrid ordeal by making us watch you dance it out?! Are you freaking kidding me?

I'm kind of guessing that she's still on the show because she's horrible and people want to watch her make a fool out of herself. (And if you saw last week's episode where she made her partner, Tony, so frustrated that at one point, he quit and walked out on her, then you know it was very entertaining!) But, of course, Kate (being Kate) says that "My dancing has a lot of work to do, and I'm the first to admit it. I'm not a quitter, I won't quit on this. I want to finish the dance." I don't know if you were the very first to admit it. But don't worry about quitting! It's perfectly all right! If that means that we don't have to look at your really weird fake hair and your forced smile anymore, feel free to quit! Quit away!

She also explains to us that "The frustrating thing for me is I can do it so well in practice that even I'm like, Wow! Did I just do that? Then I come out here and I'm like, Whaaa!" Um, I don't even know what that means, really. Whatever it is, it's unbelievable. And also whatever it is, I certainly don't want it explained to me through a series of dance moves. Because that would be what? Completely asinine, that is correct.

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