Grammy Fashion Spectacles

I got all distracted yesterday with the inevitable demise of Whitney Houston that I totally overlooked the fashion at the Grammys. Now, I'm not so much of a fashion monger as much as I probably am a fashion monger. Don't get me wrong. I know what pants are. I just don't care. See the difference? Whichever way it is wouldn't really matter because I'd be telling you what I thought about what a bunch of really rich people were wearing whether you liked it or not. And I'd start with Fergie. Behold!

Aside from her looking like an orange traffic cone, I gotta say that I'm a little disappointed that the one time that Fergie wears a see through outfit in a well-lit environment that she's wearing Granny panties. Throw us a bone, Fergie! I guess it could have been worse. She could have shown up wearing whatever someone named Robyn had on. Behold!

OK, I'm going to go right ahead and just confess that I have no idea who Robyn is. I also have no idea what she's wearing. Is that a cape? Or a veil? Why is her t-shirt tucked into her Granny panties? And exactly where does she plan on hiking with boots such as those? They seem highly impractical for any sort of wooded trail. Whoever this woman is (if she is, in fact, a woman for sure), her skirt is a little short. Can't she cover up a little bit? Maybe like....

OK, maybe not that much. What's with the house coat, Valerie Simpson? Did she stop off at a southwestern gift shop and pick up that ensemble on her way to the Grammys? Was there also a hurricane? She looks a little toussled. Wind blown, even. Like she got caught up in a storm on the way to pick up some Haagen Dazs. Speaking of windblown, did you see Rihanna?

Sure, that looks like a perfectly healthy weight. Absolutely. And if the camera adds ten pounds, then that means she must weigh all of eighty. Have a sandwich once in a while, sweetie. And don't leave your hair in the curling iron for so long. That's how you end up with those fried ends there. No one wants to see that. Then again, she does have "THUG LIFE" tattooed on her fingers. Maybe that's the thug way. Frying your hair until it's just a mop of frizz. Isn't there a fresh, young singer on the scene today that can show us something...else?

NO! Rebecca Black does NOT count! Why is she even at the Grammys? She had that awful and ironic hit 'Friday' that makes me want to kill myself whenever I hear it. She does not count. What else is there?

Umm...no. But...thanks? Yeah, no. Who? Skylar Grey? Never heard of her. Wish I'd never seen her. Anything else? Anything?

She looks like a fruity drink that you'd get at a tropical bar. You know. The kind of drink that you think looks good, but then you realize that it is staring right at you and will never blink. The kind of drink that looks a little crazy and no matter how hard you try, you can't remember what it's called. No, I just want someone who attended the Grammys who looked good. Who looked classy. There's gotta be someone.

Oh, finally! Carrie Underfed to save the day! Man, she's good looking. And she seems like a genuinely good person. She seems humble and grateful and just like a regular person who has her act together in spite of all of her fame and success. I highly doubt that we're ever going to find her underwater in a hotel bathtub. Too soon? Nah. More like too late. Gramm

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That Makes No Sense

When someone famous dies, all sort of people have to chime in on what they thought of the person and/or of their death if it was untimely or unexpected. Doesn't matter who it is. Doesn't matter if they actually "knew" the person more than just knew of them. None of that matters. What matters (apparently) is that they have something that they want to say and someone else is wanting to hear it and let them say it. I'm going to go ahead and say that's not exactly the best idea because the person might be grief-stricken or something and might say something completely asinine. (Do you like how I'm going with the 'possibly grief-stricken' angle and not just implying that they're likely a moron? I thought it was subtle.) In the instance of the newly departed Whitney Houston, that person with an opinion is Tony Bennett.

According to the Boston Herald, Tony Bennett was asking what he thought about the demise of Whitney Houston. His answer? A little ramble-y and a lot ridiculous. He said, "First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now the magnificent Whitney Houston. . . . I’d like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs. . . . Let’s legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one’s hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it." Where to begin?

I guess I'll just dive right in. Look, I'm not going to claim to be an expert on the drug laws of Amsterdam or any other part of the Netherlands. But from what I understand, pot is totally legal over there and sold freely about. I don't think that it's a total drug free for all or anything. And it's also not like it isn't regulated. So if that's what Tony Bennett is referring to, I have some shocking news for him. That news being that I highly doubt that Whitney Houston died from an overdose of marijuana. In fact, it's kind of looking like she took a bunch of Xanax and passed out in the tub. (That would have been fine had the tub not been full of water or had she been wearing scuba gear.)

And that brings me to my second point. Michael Jackson died from an overdose of a sedative that could have been used to tranquilize an elephant. Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning. And it's looking like Xanax and a tub full of water has done in Whitney. You know what all three of those deaths have in common? All involved perfectly legal substances. Needing a prescription, maybe, but legal regardless. Tony Bennett wants drugs legalized so that they can go to a doctor to get it? Two of them did! What is he talking about?!

How old is Tony Bennett? 85? Well, he looks great. He should just probably stop talking about things. Most things. He sings well. Can he just stick to singing? It'd probably be best. He's not very good at the talking.

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Houston, We Have A Problem

Dammit, Costner! You had ONE job! (Too soon? I've been trying really hard not to crack any jokes. What's that? I did it again?...Dammit!) That's right. Whitney Houston has apparently died. This is going to be the worst Black History Month ever. (Yeah, I'm giving up that whole 'too soon for jokes' thing. I was never very good at it. I can't let a good joke just blow on by.) I can feel it! And while I find her death unfortunate, but not unexpected. She never seemed to me like she was ever off of the drugs. (Thanks a lot, BOBBAY!) Anyway, here is a comic which pretty much describes the current media coverage of this event. What a story. R. IIIIIIIIIIIaaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIaaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIII. P.
(Think about it.)

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Parenting Done Right

I'm sure that by now you've either seen or heard about the video below, but I'm going to put here anywhere. The situation depicted in said video is this: A guy finds out that his daughter has posted a screed on her Facebook that is disrespectful to him and his wife, not to mention another woman who apparently cleans their house as some sort of an exchange. The guy mentions that this is not the first time that his daughter (who is 15) has been disrespectful toward them on Facebook. He also mentions that when it happened before, he told his daughter that if it happened again that it would be worse. I believe he told her something to the effect of he would "put a bullet" through her laptop. And he's not the kind of guy who doesn't follow through on what he says.

The guy (whose name is Tommy Jordan) is very calm and collected in his video. It's a bit long at just over eight minutes, but I think that it's awesome. This is a guy who gets it. This is a guy who wants his daughter to grow up to be a respectful and productive human being. This is a guy who loves his daughter. I like him. And I'm not the only one. His video has been viewed almost seven million times in the last 48 hours (and maybe not even that long). And what do you think that sort of instant Internet fame is going to do the guy? Nothing bad, to my surprise.

He posted on his Facebook account (that all the world seems to know about now) that he wouldn't be doing any interviews with the media because he doesn't see anything good coming out of it for him or for his family. He also says that the media tends to twist things around and that he doesn't need that. He has been willing to answer reporters questions via email and he has shared some of those responses on his Facebook page. (He mentioned that CBS called him yesterday and offered him his own show! What is wrong with you, CBS?! A show about...what? Real life? A good dad? CBS, is your programming so crappy that a show about a dad who disciplines his daughter is a novelty to you? We really are doomed. I like to joke about it, but only because it's true. But make no mistake about it. The end is near!) He posted the following:

Some of you think I made an acceptable parenting decision and others think I didn't. However, I can't think of any way myself or my daughter can respond to a media outlet that won't be twisted out of context. The Dallas news TV news already showed that in their brief 5 minute interview with the psychologist.

Additionally, there's absolutely NO way I'm going to send my child the message that it's OK to gain from something like this. It would send her a message that it's OK to profit at the expense of someone else's embarrassment or misfortune and that's now how I was raised, nor how she has been raised.

So I say thank you from all of us. If we have anything to say, we'll say it here on Facebook, and we'll say it publicly, but we won't say it to a microphone or a camera. There are too many other REAL issues out there that could use this attention you're giving us. My daughter isn't hurt, emotionally scarred, or otherwise damaged, but that kind of publicity has never seemed to be to have a positive effect on any child or family.

If you're a news outlet that wants to ask us a question, feel free to so via email. I'm sure by now my email address is easy enough to find. It might take me awhile to get to a response because I'd have to sort through the "Die you bastard" emails to find it, but we will respond if its something that we feel merits it. Otherwise, sorry... no interviews, no talk shows, no call-ins.

If we respond to anything, it will be on here, and it will be in a way that our words can't be misconstrued or edited for appeal to specific audience or shock value.

Now, I'm going to try to get to work for the day.
Best of luck to all of you out there... and PLEASE give my phone a break.

Now THAT is someone with their head screwed on straight. What's that? Oh, right. The video. The video is below. You can also check it out on YouTube by clicking here. This has clearly struck a nerve with a ton of people. And I haven't offered up a ton of commentary on this (mainly because I don't think that I can add to its awesomeness) because it stands for itself. He's a good dad and a good guy. We won't be seeing him making the media rounds and I find that not only shocking, but also extremely commendable. Let me know what you think. I think it's awesome.

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Well, It's Not A Mammoth

I got all excited today when I read that there might be a woolly mammoth living in the wild in Siberia. My excitement was one percent "Wow, that would really be cool" and ninety nine percent "I can't wait to see what sort of a farce some dimwit is attempting to perpetrate on the rest of the world which is clearly not as smart as the aforementioned perpetrator". One percent of me was sorely disappointed. Ninety nine percent of me was rewarded appropriately.

What we have here is a video which claims to be of a woolly mammoth in some sort of a stream/river in Siberia. The description of the video on YouTube claims that "The jaw-dropping footage was caught by a government-employed engineer last summer in the Chukotka Autonomous Okrug region of Siberia". Now, I wouldn't go as far as to call it "jaw-dropping". "Head scratching" probably. But "jaw-dropping"? No. Not even close. Here. See for yourself. Behold!

See what I mean? Sure, there might be something there. But whatever it is, it certainly isn't jaw-dropping. And what I'll never understand about these videos that purport to show something so amazing is why the person filming decided that the best way to capture this event would be to film it with a potato. How else can you explain the horrible focus? Filming with a potato would also explain why there is only about twenty seconds of footage. (Then again, if you weren't filming with a potato then it would make it harder to claim that it's a woolly mammoth and not a bear with a really large salmon in its mouth.) Wouldn't you think that if you actually were filming a woolly mammoth that you'd just go ahead and film it for at least half a minute? Are we all really expected to believe that twenty seconds of potato footage is so good that we'll completely forget about all of the technology that is available to us to make fuzzy pictures and videos a thing of the past? Seriously, I think that someone would have to work pretty hard to make a video that out of focus in the year 2012.

In conclusion, there is no mammoth. Repeat, the mammoths are still dead. No need for panic. Now move along. Nothing to see here.

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Wrong Team, Cupcake

If you're going to cheer for a sports team, you might want to make sure that you at least know the names of just some of the players. It doesn't have to be all of them. Just a few. Just one even. Just know the name of at least one player on the team. That way when you're asked by a reporter who your favorite player is you won't say the name of someone on another team. That way you won't sound just like the woman in the clip below who was asked who her favorite New York Giant player is and responded, "Sanchez!" Umm...he plays for the Jets, cupcake. Still New York, but that's not good enough. Let's watch what not to do. Behold!

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Just Put Him Back In Jail

Look, if you've been accused of heinously sexual crimes against children and you've somehow managed to avoid getting incarcerated (despite being arrested twice), could you do everyone involved a little favor and at least try to not to stand out on your porch and leer at school children who are playing outside? Jerry Sandusky, I'm talking to you.

That's right. According to the Huffington Post, there have been "complaints that the former Penn State assistant football coach was seen outside and watching children in a schoolyard from the back porch of his home, where he remains under house arrest while awaiting trial on child molestation charges." Oh, for cryin' out loud. Does he not think that people are going to notice that? Of course they are! And really, if he can't stay off of his porch because he's too damn tempted by the children outside playing, should he still be out on bail? Strangely enough, the prosecutors seem to think so.

Yes. The prosecutors. Apparently, the office of the state attorney general has "...argued in a court filing that Sandusky's bail conditions should be revised so that he is not allowed outside except to seek medical treatment." That's it?! Can't they argue that his bail should be revoked because he's a freaking weirdo who is sexually attracted to children? Besides, I don't think that he lives in some sort of teepee or other dwelling which doesn't have freaking windows. Are they somehow going to prevent him from looking out the windows at the children? I don't see how that would be any better from him leering at them on his porch.

I don't get this. This guy just cannot stay away from small children. He needs to be in a more confined area where the chances of him seeing a small child are pretty much non-existent. Hey, wouldn't a jail cell accomplish that goal? I believe it would. I believe it would.

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The Upset Supermodel Wife Speaks Out

No one wants to place blame when your team has just lost a Super Bowl that they were favored to win. Well, maybe people want to place blame, but it's usually the people who have nothing to do with the team who are the ones who are most willing to be the most vocal about the aforementioned championship shortcomings. But leave it to the supermodel wife of the losing Super Bowl quarterback to be the one to come out and say that her husband's team really sucked it up on Sunday and that he can't do everything on the team. Someone else has to catch the balls that he throws.

Apparently, on her way to meet her loser metrosexual husband, Gisele Bundchen had to endure taunts from Giants fans such as "Eli owns your husband!" She didn't seem to care for that very much and did the inadvisable. That's right. She shot back at the sports taunters. Now, responding to people who have just won a Super Bowl against your team for the second time in a row is probably about the most futile exercise that one could ever engage in. While I really enjoy sports, I find that sports talk is about the lowest form of communication in humans. It's just barely above grunting. But according to something called The Insider , Gisele exasperatingly explained to her detractors: "You (have) to catch the ball when you're supposed to catch the ball,My husband cannot [expletive] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times." Yeah, she's not going to win any friends with that attitude.


And according to the players who heard about her little hissy fit after her Tommy lost, they felt that "It's like knocking someone when they are down." Yes, it's "like" that in the sense that that is exactly what happened. I'm kind of surprised that she let all of the taunting talk get to her to the point where she said something that she had to have known was going to come back and haunt her in the weird way that things haunt super hot people who are famous for...something. Don't get me wrong. It's one thing to support your husband. It's a totally different thing to support him by throwing all of his teammates under the bus at the same time. The video is below. It's hard to hear (which is why I included the dialogue), but trust me. It's her acting just like I would expect a spoiled supermodel to act when she doesn't get her way.

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Super Kinky Bowl 2012

The Super Bowl was yesterday. I had a good time. I went to a friend's house and watched it amongst about 10 people. Good times. Good food. And little did we know that if we had only looked on Craigslist (and were partial to weirdos) that we could have had our food and drinks paid for (up to $1500 worth!) by some very odd and (seemingly) very lonely soul out there.

Seriously. Here is an ad that was posted on Craigslist on January 31, 2012. At least the guy was thinking ahead. I'll give him that. Don't get me wrong. He's likely a weirdo pervert who I wouldn't want within 50 miles of my home, let alone in my living room. But I like it when people don't wait until the last minute for things. I'll provide you with the text of this guy's very strange proposition, but just so you know I'm not making this up, behold!

And now, the text...

If you're planning on having a Super Bowl party this Sunday, I'm looking for a group of open minded people to let me watch them watch the game.

I'd prefer a party of mostly straight, young couples, but a lot of singles would be fine too, especially if there are guys there who get really into the game and paint their faces.

In return for letting me watch you, I will be more than happy to front the bill for all of your food and drinks, up to $1500. All I ask in return is to have a good view of the entire party and a private area to excuse myself to from time to time.

I'm pretty laid back and definitely won't bother you at all. In fact, if there's a way for me to sit out of view and still see everyone, that would be great. The last people who had me over for their Oscar party barely even knew I was there because I sat in a reading nook behind all the action. I could see and hear them but they couldn't really see or hear me. That kind of set-up would be ideal, if you have it. If not, we can improvise. Worse comes to worse I might just hang out in the bathroom for a little bit right before halftime and at the end of the game.

If interested, please email me before Saturday, and if possible include a picture of your party space and pictures of as many people who are attending the party as you can get your hands on.

OK, then. There are so many disturbing things about this that it's really hard to know where to start. I feel like I need a shower after reading that. This guy takes the whole "I wanna watch" thing to a completely different level. The whole part about him needing a "private area" is completely revolting. I might have "private areas" in my home, but they're not for that and they're certainly not for him and that! Good Lord, sir. Do people really paint their faces when they're watching the game at home? That seems...unnecessary. (Then again, I'm not sure that it's all that "necessary" when you're actually in attendance at the game either. I've never really understood the face painters. Or the chest painters. I don't get them either. But if you're painting your face to watch a game in your own living room, you might want to check yourself. Not like that!)

I can only shudder to think of what this guy looks like and what kind of a guy that he is. We already know that he's kind of guy that's willing to fork out up to $1500 for his kink. I don't know what that means exactly, but I don't think that it's good. I've heard of some strange requests before, but this is definitely one of the strangest. Now, if I could just sit back and hope that things don't get any weirder in this lifetime, I'd be happy. I'm dying to know if anyone took him up on his offer. Should I email him and ask? Hmmm. Do I really want to know? I kind of do. Actually, if someone did take him up on his offer, I'd really like to talk to them. I have several questions for people who are willing to let a complete stranger use their households private areas in exchange for a couple of bags of Funyuns and some dip.

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Nice Shirt

I'm not a fan of the mushroom. I find them to have the consistency of an eraser. If that's the sort of sensation that I wanted, I'd just go an find a #2 pencil to chew on rather than seek out a mushroom. But Belinda and Daniel Conne do not feel the same way about mushrooms as I do. They apparently really like mushrooms. They like them so much that they went out into the forest to hunt for something called the hedgehog mushroom. (It is "...an orange-topped fungus prized by mushroom hunters for its sweet and nutty flavor." If they say so. I'm not eating one to find out.) And wouldn't you know it, they got lost. And I mean lost. They were lost in a forest in Oregon for six days. That's really lost.

Now, when someone is lost it is customary (and probably useful) for a picture of the lost individual(s) to be handed out and shown to folks so that they know who they're looking for. If you don't know what the lost person looks like, you're not so much out looking for them as much as you are just wandering around. But let me just say this: If I'm ever lost and a photo of me needs to be circulated to the public, I hope that my friends and family can provide a picture of me with as equally as nice of a shirt as Mr. Conne had on in the picture that was circulated of the couple. Behold!

That's just lovely. Can't quite see if? Mr. Conne's shirt appears to depict several skeletal couples in various sexual positions. They're f***ing, if you will. Effing skeletons. Literally! I realize that image might be a bit hard to see, so I've scoured the Internet looking for a better picture of that very search. (Yeah, let's just hope there's no reason for anyone to go through my Internet history any time soon. That's all I need is to have that sort of search showing up. No, really, I can explain!) Behold!

Yeah, that's what I want to be wearing when I go missing. That's what I want people to be looking at in the handout photos of me. Seriously, were there NO other pictures of this man where he wasn't wearing an article of clothing which depicted sexual acts? I'm going to have to say that I bet that there was at least one. Maybe even two. But for some reason, someone decided that this was the one to go with! Remember that the next time you're thinking about wearing a shirt like this:

Or even this:

Because remember, you could end up missing and your probably well-meaning (but not straight thinking) family might hand out these pictures to the public. Then you will forever be known as the guy in the fornicating skeleton shirt (or the d**khead) who got his ass lost while looking for mushrooms. That's no way to go through life, son. Trust me.

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