Mocking Words: rubber

I've learned many a things since I've started using this blog as a way to spare my friends from having to listen to my rantings. The main one was that my friends needed to be spared from having to listen to my rantings. But sometimes I'll run across a topic and I'll be looking into just how ridiculous it can get and I learn of a whole new avenue that serves the purpose of amusing me a great deal. Today, condoms are that avenue.

In the post about the microchip shoved in...well...in...there (ow, ow, ow!), there was mention of latex condoms being disposed of into the environment. Well I needed to know if that was really all that big of an issue, so I started looking stuff up. That is when I found out about the spray on condom. Wait. What?

I ran across

an article from 2006 that ran over there at gizmag.com . It talked about how the researchers at the German Institute for Condom Consultancy (I swear that's what it's called) planned to launch a spray on condom. The process/device/invention required that the man insert his unit into a spray can like device that would then coat said unit with latex that was sprayed from nozzles on all sides. (Sort of like one of those spray-on tanning booths. Only it's with your penis in a tube and it's latex.) It's supposed to be ready to use in about 5 seconds. (I'm assuming that is after setting up the equipment that you would have to carry around with you and presumably, not in your wallet. I see problems already.).

The point was not to scare off women so that no one has sex anymore. The point was

to make a contraceptive that fit better and wouldn't slip. The goal was to be able to have a perfect fitting condom no matter what size your penis was. At the time, they were looking for spray on condom testers who sported a penis length of between 9 to 12 cm ( 3.5 to 4.7 inches) and those who sported a penis length of between 15 and 20 cm ( 5.9 to 7.9 inches). I don't know if the 13 and 14 cm (5.1 and 5.5 inches) chaps were invited as well, but it is nice to see that they weren't being overly ambitious with their size requirements. (Even though it does make you wonder just a bit.)

But the best part was that these spray-on condoms were expected to be ready to market by 2008! Well, hey! It's 2008 right NOW! I don't recall hearing about how the spray-on condom is the latest contraceptive craze sweeping the globe. I don't recall hearing different guys saying, "I am not putting it in THERE." (NO! Regular guys! Guys who like girls! Not Clay Aiken! He always says that!) So what happened? Is the schlong spray ready or not?

That would be not. I checked out the website and it basically said that, due to problems that were too hard to overcome (double pun TOTALLY intended!), the guy was giving up on the spray-on condom idea. (Awww....) However (Yay! We love "however" because in this case it likely means "something else about condoms!" Hopefully from a foreign land!), on the website were advertisements for all sorts of "traditional" condoms (and by "traditional" I mean the ones that you don't spray directly onto your penis). And while I don't usually have any reason to be looking at condoms, I was intrigued. Perhaps that's why I was looking. All I know is that I'm glad I did.

Welc

ome to the Vinico, World of Condoms! Man, there are all sorts of condoms! Tons! You guys have quite the plethora of choices to wade through. It's like there's everything except for a fur covered one for y'all to wrap that rascal in. (Oh, wait. Never mind. There it is. Huh. Who'd a-thunk it? Fur. Go figure.) Aaaaaany way, it's a bit more amusing that the web page is in German and translated (with the help of the God-like Google application so aptly named Google Translator. Again, go figure.) into English, because you'll be reading along and then a German word or wording pops in and it doesn't really fit. It's like, "The spray-on condom's degree of comfortableness will vary depending upon the length of your Fahrvergnügen." Or something like that. (I'm a little more into the "achtung" than I am the "Fahrvergnugen", but it's not about me.)

There are different categories from which to sell condoms (I guess) based upon the headers at the top of the page. Those didn't translate so well at all, so I had to try and figure out what they meant from the contents. That didn't go so well either. I had to wing it. (Needless to say, hilarity ensued.) So, in my very best Alec Trebek-like voice with a German accent, "And the categories are...."

Startseite (OK, if it were in Spanish, this would be the Start Seven. Since it's in German, it's the Start Something.)
Shop (Loosely translated, this means "shop".)
Kondom-Beratung (Again, loosely translated, I think it's something like "Condom Beating".)
Preishits (No comment. Don't want to know.)
Hilfe (This looks like it could be the name of a large woman from the East German Army who tests out the condoms in some back room where no one else ventures.)
Kontakt (I'm going with "contact" on this one. I don't' know if that means "Contact/Email us" or "In order to use a condom, I am going to need someone for which my penis will be allowed to contact. Please help me." It's probably either one.

In the Condom Beating category, I find a wide variety of goods and services for the penis and those who own the penis. We find:

Risk: Wrong Size Condom

Penis Sizes: This is Normal (yeah, um, nice try, but they're not ALL normal!)

Testimonial: We report your positive experiences. (Come on! How many tools out there are writing these guys an email that says, "Yahoo! (Or Google! Or Ask!) I had sex! And all because of your Kondom-Gluben!")

Condom Diversity (Billed as "an overview of the colorful world of condoms". Yes, that is the picture that accompanied it. No, I can't go there right now.)

About Dr. Vinico

The "About Dr. Vinico" section starts off just fine with, " Dr. Vinico is the first and only condom consultant on the Internet in Germany since August 2001. It all began with the virtual consultant Dr. Vinico condom. . Based on seven questions Dr. Vinico found the three best condoms from over 100 condoms for you. Who the virtual condom consultants like once again wishes, it may do so." OK, I have NO idea what that last sentence means. None. But I got the rest. Or I THOUGHT I did. Until I saw the picture of Dr. Vinico here:

WTF? Um, that's a cartoon. Cartoons, to my knowledge, don't HAVE a penis. They don't NEED a penis, they're a cartoon. (OK, Fred might need a penis when he's doing Daphne in the back of the Mystery Machine while Shaggy gets stoned somewhere and Velma whines to Scooby that she can't find her glasses. But other than that, I don't think that's there's much need for the animated penis genre of cartoon character out there.) I don't know that even if I had a penis that I would be trusting a cartoon to direct me to the specific kind of latex goodness from which to wrap it in so that I may make sweet, sweet love to the hot chick that I just picked up in the bar. (OK, fine! I admit it! It WAS Velma! It's just that she just looked so vulnerable without those glasses. And that wide, thick, turtleneck sweater that she always wears, even in the summer! Come on! How can one resist that, especially when coupled with that skirt and those knee high socks?! What? Oh, right. I don't even have a penis. Never mind.) But I digress.

It continues with: "The core of the new advisory approach is the Dr. Vinico Condom Guide, with the penis size as the central decision-making criteria in the selection looks condom. With the Condom Guide, a measure to strip the provision includes penis size, every man and every woman a favorite condom in six steps.They play alongside the size, shape, thickness, surface and the aroma & Color plays an important role. " Well, they certainly seem to have thought of everything there. Size, shape, thickness, surface, aroma and color. They would seem to be in descending order of greatest importance to "Who cares?! I want to have sex!"

So all of the measuring, all of the studies, all of the products, they're all the result of the brainstorming of a cartoon doc? Who may or may not be German?! Are you kidding me? This topic will clearly need to be delved into further.

When checking out the Condom Guide, I was taken to a page with this header:

The Condom Berater. That is apparently a Flash player interactive tool that asked me questions in German about my penis and then berated my choice of condom after I had answered them all. It didn't feel helpful to me, but I think that's only because a) I don't have a firm grasp on the German language and b) I don't actually have a penis to answer questions about (in any language, really). It probably is very useful if you're the opposite of me (ie, male).

Then the fine cartoon doctor concludes his section with a garbled German to English translation that seems to mean well and convey good wishes when it says: "Dr. Vinico has set itself the task of the right for each condom. With the advisory approach would like Dr. Vinico show that sex with the right condom much fun and the prevention with rubber and liebestötend not uncool to be the case. "

Ah, yes. So, remember, with the right condom, you too, can have much fun while at the same time having prevention with rubber! And as always, there will be no need to think about your liebestötend not being cool, if that's the case! Enjoy your sex! Oh, and Fahrvergnügen to you too!