The McWhat?

The McRib is back. Personally, I couldn't care any less that it ever left in the first place. But there are apparently folks who are really into this thing. It quite possibly has become the most ridiculously over-hyped menu item of all time. It has this cult-like following that seem to hold the sandwich in a higher esteem than that of the Pope. (And with all of that child touching that's gone on in the Catholic church, that probably isn't that hard to do.) I'm going to see if I can knock it down off of its sanctimonious little high horse bun a little bit here.

Do you know what's IN a McRib? I mean, the term 'rib' would imply that it is some sort of pork. (I suppose it could be beef, but it's not the size of a brontosaurus burger, so I'm going to go with pig.) And apparently this thing has seventy ingredients. And while most of those ingredients compose the bun and the sauce, what you really need to be concerned with is the "pork patty". You know the one. It's some sort of congealed meat that is shaped to look like it has bones in it. There are no bones. That's the good news. The bad news is that there isn't exactly all that much "pork", either.

According to KSEE24 News, "The slab of "restructured meat product" consists of salt (980 mg, more than half your recommended daily intake) and pig innards, like tripe, heart, and scalded stomach." Mmmmm! Tripe, heart and stomach. Sounds like a band from 1974 that was modeled after Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Tripe, heart and stomach. So, they take all of that and blend it all up (kind of like a shake), form it into a patty with fake bones and then slap it on a bun with a little sauce, onions and pickles. Sound good? I hope not. And SF Gate is even reporting that Time magazine is reporting that the McRib contains something called "...azodicarbonamide: a flour-bleaching agent that is most commonly used in the manufacture of foamed plastics like in gym mats and the soles of shoes." Huh. I'm going to assume that whatever that stuff is can also be found in several other McDonald's products. There are an awful lot of menu items there whose taste could definitely be compared to that of a yoga mat.

Look, I realize that one can just just about every part of the pig except for the oink. But that doesn't mean that one should. And I also realize that one cannot come to expect a very high quality level of meat in fast food products. But I'd like to think that there is some regular meat. I don't think that one should have to be subjected to innards disguised as pork rib sammies. And apparently, I'm the only one who thinks that as this sandwich has become more popular than God. We are truly doomed.

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Baby Monkey, Baby Monkey

There are many elements to having a successful video. Sometimes, it's not just the video itself that matters. I mean, it has to be kind of good in whatever way it is that makes a good video. (Oh, come on! You can't figure out if something is going to be popular or not just by watching it! There are just too many variables and NONE of them are defined! None of them!) But there are times when music really helps. (Take Nyan Cat for example. I still don't know what that is, but without the music, it would be nothing more than a cat made out of a Pop-Tart riding a rainbow through space.) The video below is one of those videos. The music really makes it. And it will get stuck in your head. Enjoy your weekend with "Backwards on a pig, baby monkey" stuck in your head all the live long day.

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Family Man Jon Gosselin

If all goes well, when Jon & Kate Plus 8 returns to the programming schedule of TLC (formerly "The Learning Channel", but due to the minimal amount of actual "learning" taking place, it is now known simply as The Freak ChannelTLC) people will be so sickened by this whole debacle that the plunge in ratings will boot this exploitative freak show off of the air.

In case you're blissfully unaware of who these people are, well, I envy you. Jon and Kate are Jon and Kate Gosselin, a 30-something couple residing in Pennsylvania with their eight children, 8-year old twin girls and their just turned 5-year old sextuplets. The new season (which is inexplicably the FIFTH) was supposed to have kicked off in June and ran for 46 episodes (again, another inexplicable number), but instead the first episode aired and Jon and Kate announced that they were separating and would get a divorce. Talk about your plot twist!

Leading up to the non-shocking announcement, Jon and Kate were able to experience what it is like to become media and tabloid fodder, with rumors of Jon cheating on Kate with the 22-year old daughter of the doctor who did Kate's tummy tuck for free (after hauling six kids around inside of you for months on end, your skin tends to stretch out a bit, apparently). Jon, of course, vehemently (as much as a liar can be vehement about anything, that is) denied these allegations pre-separation. Post-separation he's been spotted canoodling with his little tramp in public. Oh, but wait. It was a DIFFERENT little tramp than the one that had been alleged when all of the alleging was going on.

The reasons for the divorce stemmed from Kate being a shrew and wanting to be this famous person who would do her globetrotting to various speaking engagements to talk about how wonderful of a parent she is and if she needs to give you proof then you can conveniently purchase her book at the same time that she is telling you how great she is. The reasons for the divorce also stemmed from Jon being less than enthusiastic about the television show and possibly even less enthusiastic than that about being a father to eight children at the ripe old age of 32. You could just tell that the guy's heart wasn't quite in it, but what was he going to do?

He was going to leave, that's what. And that he did. He seems to be awfully pleased with his own act, having finally learned how to "stand up for himself" instead of letting Kate just walk all over him. And at the same time, judging from his post separation behaviors, he also seems to have taken up new residence right smack dab in the middle of Fantasy Land.

Not only has Jon been out in public with the 22-year old Hailey Glassman, they went to St. Tropez together! Meanwhile, back at the sprawling family home, Kate was tending to their eight (yes, eight!) children. What's wrong with that picture? Plenty more than just him off in France with his free whore while his still-wife is at home with the kids. Whilst in the South of France and speaking with People Magazine on the phone, Gosselin had these heartwarming words to say about his family: "Every 10 minutes I keep thinking about the kids and missing them. Mady keeps calling me and asking me if I'm in France, but she doesn't understand where France is." Um, you sir, are a jackass.

So good to know that you keep "thinking about" your kids every 10 minutes. That TOTALLY makes up for you not being there! Sure! And your kids? All eight of them? They're TOTALLY fine with it. Right? NO!!! Of course not you idiot! And while I'm on the subject, your daughter doesn't need to know where France IS, moron! That's not what she's saying! She's saying that her Dad isn't there and she wants him to be! Are you really THAT out of touch with what your kids want and need?

He must be because it apparently isn't enough for the eight children to have to have their parents go through a divorce AND do it on national TV in front of the country, not to mention on the Internet in front of the entire world. I hope that TLC is not only compensating them fairly for this show, but also providing them with free lifetime therapy, as they're going to need it.

Now their Dad gets to run around with his little tramps in public and I'm sure that they'll be able to view that on the Internet if not currently, then someday. That'll sure be a treat for them, won't it? Oh, yeah! And as for Hailey Glassman, well, let's just say that she's the anti-Kate. Naturally pictures of her in all of her glory finally surfaced. Just wait until the children run across these online one day. Behold! Glory!

But wait! There's more!

More? More whores! Let's see how many chicks Jon Gosselin can bed in the first few months after separating from his wife, Kate! In fact, let's see how many chicks he can miraculously cajole into sleeping with him that have the same name as his wife! Well, we're up to ONE so far (which is a little creepy, if you're asking me). Next in line after the 22-year old! Someone a little bit older! This one is 25!! Woot! Woot! A one Kate Major! Behold!


(What's up with the hair? Does she carry a wind machine around with her in case a photo op should happen to take place? Whose hair does that?!) Where'd he come up with this one? Would you believe me if I said that she was a reporter for Star Magazine that went to do a story on him and, in her words "I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him." That according to The Hollywood Gossip. Is it any wonder that she's denying that she used to work as a call girl?

Yeah, he goes for the folks who just SCREAM 'classy'. Which is the ONLY thing that can explain who Jon was hanging out with last weekend. That's right. The name that is synonmous with classy, Michael Lohan. Behold!

If that isn't proof enough as to what a media whore Jon Gosselin has become, then I don't know what else to tell you. Michael LOHAN?? Are you kidding me? That man is sludge. But he does know a thing or two about exploiting his children, that's for sure. Him and Jon should be able to swap stories for hours on end (probably in a jail cell if they follow Michael Lohan's usual path to greatness). Meanwhile, evidence of his continuing to live in a fantasy world presents itself when he told People "I'm just trying to concentrate on my family first, second my career. That's what I have to do."

Riiiiight. And the way to do all of that concentrating is to be hanging out in the Hamptons with Michael Lohan and an ex-stripper, ex-tabloid reporter blonde chick that you're shtupping. (She quit her job at Star Magazine so that she could be with Jon. Apparently, a tabloid like Star Magazine has some sort of ethical code or something and they felt that her boinking Jon would be a conflict of interest or something like that. Odd, eh? I thought so too.) Still in Fantasy Land, he added "I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids." Again, because there is NO way that they'll ever find all of this stuff on the Internet. It's so...obscure! Yeah, uh-huh. You sir, are a jackass. And not a very bright one at that.By the way, it was news to Hailey Glassman that Jon was with Kate Major. I know that's just a complete shock to the system to hear that, but apparently it's true!

I wonder if this is what he had in mind when he said that he's just trying to concentrate on his family. You know, do what's best for them. Like taking up smoking! Excellent choice! Very family oriented!

So, I think I've done a fairly good job of summing this one up for you. Jon Gosselin is a pig. Kate is still a shrew, but she's looking a hell of a lot better these days than her loser still-husband. Get a grip on yourself, Jon. (At least then you wouldn't be needing to sleep with any female you encounter.) Please disappear from the public radar and slink back into obscurity by just being a Dad to your kids so that they don't grow up to be more screwed up than they could possibly already be. And stop hanging around Michael Lohan, for God sakes. Have a SHRED of self-respect, would you? (Though if you must insist on hanging out with him, see if he can hook you up with Lindsay. I hear her and Samantha Ronson are back together and Sam Ronson would kick your doughy ass to the curb and I'd just really like to see that. Thanks!)

In the meantime, we'll all just hope the show gets cancelled, the kids get therapy and that Jon gets a life. Or at least a clue.

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Wellies A Pig

Definitely a slow news day in Thirsk, North Yorkshire (that's in England). That has to be why the good people across the pond at the Mail Online decided to run with the story about the pig that suffers from mysophobia, otherwise known as the fear of dirt. Wait. What?

It seems that a little pig (otherwise known as a piglet) named Cinders (short for Cinderella, the reason for Cinderella won't be much clearer later on, but it will be later) was delivered to the farm of Andrew and Debbie Keeble, who run the award-winning "Debbie and Andrew's" sausage company. (I'll let you figure out what the pig's role was going to be at the company. Let's just say it wasn't going to be Human Resources.) Cinders arrived with her six brothers and sisters (otherwise known as Bacon, Ham, Pork Chop, Sausage Link & Sausage Patty (the twins), and Roast.). Those pigs did what pigs do (before becoming the tastiest of the salted breakfast meats) and played in the mud. Cinders, definitely the odd duck of the pig family, stayed on the sidelines and watched. (Begin "Pay attention music".) Cinders was stricken with (da-da-duh-dduummmm...) mysophobia, a fear of dirt. (And...CUT!)

Yes, mysophobia is the fear of dirt. However, it is generally thought of as the fear of dirt due to the fear of getting germs or some sort of contamination. That is typically where the "fear of dirt" stems from. I highly doubt that's the case with this little piggy who stayed home and wouldn't go in the mud. But they're calling is mysophobia over there and so I will too. (I see no need to cause problems with English, as I'm very fond of their muffins.)

The article in the Daily Mail goes on to say that Cinders owners, Andrew and Debbie "were at a loss, until they remembered the four miniature wellies used as pen and pencil holders in their office." Sure, they were at a loss with what to do with their mysophobic piglet, but I was at a loss with what in the heck "wellies" were. Apparently, a "wellie" is a Wellington boot. They're made out of rubber. I guess they call them "wellies" because, well, they're English and that's what they do. Why they had a bunch of miniature wellies is beyond me. But nonetheless they did and the story continues.

So Andrew took the four wellies and put them on Cinders little hooves and off she went to frolic in the mud. Now, every morning, she runs over to greet him so he can put her little pig boots on so that the precious little snowflake won't get herself all dirty. The Keeble's said that they named her Cinders after Cinderella and her magical glass slippers. I see not at all how that is related to the pig in the boots. Cinderella had wicked stepsisters, Cinders has siblings that will one day be slaughtered. Cinderella did chores and cleaned, Cinders just wanted to BE clean. And the most subtle differences: Cinderella was a girl; Cinders is a PIG. (I just thought I'd point that out. It was apparently a detail that was lost on those who named her.)

But don't worry about having a side of Cinders next time you're having a hankerin' for the Grand Slam at Denny's (or the Moons over My Hammy). Even though they've been pig farmers for 20 years, Cinders will be their pet. (Awww...) I'm figuring they must be pretty sympathetic toward a pig who is afraid of dirt. Below is a picture of Andrew and Debbie. Judging from their own footwear, I'd say that Cinders isn't the only one on that farm suffering from mysophobia.

But here is where the foreign press fails miserably in an area much like the press in the US. The article states, "They are using her to front a campaign to give a better deal to pig farmers." That's it. Wait. What?

What does that mean? How is a pig that wears rubber shoes going to be able to convince someone somewhere to give pig farmers (who want to kill pigs just like the one wearing the rubber shoes) a better deal? Huh? But does the Daily Mail explain? Nooooo. It's things like this that keep me up at night.

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