Rangel's Wrangles

Longtime crook, Charlie Rangel, was finally "held accountable" after it was voted upon and found that he should be censured for a number of violations. It seems Mr. Rangel, who was responsible for crafting a LOT of the current tax laws and rules, felt that those rules didn't apply to him and his little villa he owns in the Dominican Republic. Shocking, I know. And Mr. Rangel really seems to enjoy that villa of his. Why, here's a photo of him enjoying himself now!

It doesn't get much easier for political cartoonists than that. But back to the crooked congressman. He was found guilty of eleven different violations. Naturally, there were ethics violations in there as well as his not paying taxes (which seems like it maybe should have warranted a criminal investigation, but because this is Congress, I guess they do things however they want). And since he has been found guilty, there is now a punishment. Can you guess what his punishment is? I would have thought that if you're found guilty of stuff like that that they just boot you out. Corrupt politicians in Congress are not what we need. Ever. But that's not what they do. No, they voted to censure him. Wait. What now?

That's right. Censure him. If you're wondering what a censure consists of, so was I. I was really hoping that there were going to be lions involved, but sadly, there will be no lions. Maybe if Siegfried and Roy were making the rules we'd get some lions, but unfortunately, they're not. According to Wikipedia (so take it for what it's worth), "After a motion to censure is passed, the chair (or the vice-president, if the presiding officer is being censured) addresses the censured member by name. He may say something to the effect of, "Brother F, you have been censured by vote of the assembly. A censure indicates the assembly's resentment of your conduct at meetings. A censure is a warning. It is the warning voice of suspension or expulsion. Please take due notice thereof and govern yourself accordingly." Wait. That's it?

That's it. Mr. Rangel will stand in the well of the Senate and they will read the charges that he has been found guilty of and then they will say that he has been censured. I'm pretty sure that he gets to say something, but I'm not sure if it's required, nor am I sure if he is required to apologize. (If it is a requirement that they apologize, that's a pretty stupid requirement, as it's not like the person would actually mean it or anything.) Then he can go back to whatever it is that he does. That's it. That seems like a slap on the wrist if you're asking me. They could have voted for expulsion. Now that I could have gotten behind.

I don't get this censure thing. And I can't imagine that it's going to have any effect on the man at this point. He's been a congressman for 20 terms. TWENTY. That's unbelievable. That's also forty years, which is also unbelievable. He represents the area in and around Harlem and I'm just guessing that, based on what he has been able to do for the community, they aren't really going to care about some censure. After all, all of these charges had already been brought against him when he went up for re-election just a couple of weeks ago and he won with something like 80% of the vote. His constituents don't care about censure. And while he acts like he cares, he doesn't.

I started wondering about this censure thing and why it doesn't happen more often, given how crooked I think a lot of the politicians in Congress actually are. I know it takes a ridiculous amount of time to look into these things, but I don't know why. I didn't find the answer to that and I perused the Innerwebs looking for answers, but I did find a fairly interesting statistic regarding censure. There have only been 22 other representatives who have been censured. Um, that's not very many if you take into account how long we've actually had a Congress.

Several folks were censured for "unparliamentary language". Now, I don't know what that consists of, but whatever it is, it sounds great! Very engaging! I sure would like to see a little bit more of it on C-SPAN. Those hearings are awfully boring. They need a little unparliamentary language to liven them up a little bit. (Hell, the Taiwanese lawmakers get into fisticuffs with each other all of the time!) A couple of folks assaulted some other lawmakers. The first guy censured was a one William Stanbery who, in 1932, "...was censured for insulting the Speaker of the House." I really want to know what he said. I also really want to know what he would have had to say about Nancy Pelosi. (I'm guessing that Botox would be a theme in his thoughts, should he have been able to share them.)

But here's the other thing I learned: A guy was censured in 1921 for the unparliamentary language. It wasn't until 1979 that the next guy was censured (only this guy apparently partook in mail and payroll fraud). Not only do I find it absolutely unbelievable that there have only been 23 (counting Mr. Rangel) members of Congress that have ever been censured, I find it incredible that they could go for almost sixty years in between. Between the 1832 and that guy in 1921, there were 19 censured congressmen. Since 1921? FOUR. The last one was in 1983!

You cannot possibly tell me that there hasn't been a single crooked politician since 1983! And mind you, the two most recent censures were for "...sexual misconduct with a House page." You're telling me that everyone else has played by the rules this entire time?! Oh, please! Is anyone surprised that politicians are on the take? Is anyone surprised that they do the crooked stuff that we all know that they do? If there aren't any penalties for them other than being told in front of their peers that they've been caught and then they get sent back to work, why would they follow the rules when there is so much money to be made and power to be had?!

We need more censures. Who's up next? A one Maxine Waters looks to be on the docket for being investigated or charged or something along those lines next. Maybe we'll know how that one turns out in another sixty years or so. That would be about right, given the history of these sorts of things. I'd be willing to bet that Charlie Rangel not only runs for re-election next time, but that he wins as well. People never learn. And those that do are the ones who are getting away with stuff like Charlie Rangel did and does and probably will continue to in the future. We're so doomed.

::: Insert unparliamentary language here:::

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AND He's Crazy!

I love me a good scandal. Ooh! And a political scandal? The best. Simply the best. When one of those politician scumbags finally gets busted for finally being busted for the lying, cheating, scheming weasel that he or she is, it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. That's because with a majority of scandals, you're always going to have some degree of tawdriness. And as much as I love me a good scandal, I sure do love me a good scandal with a hearty helping of tawdry on the side. But if they're all out of tawdry, I'll be perfectly happy with some hilarity, ill-advised fashion choices or just good old fashioned crazy. Now that's a scandal with something for everyone! And these days, you can get yourself a big ol' helping of scandal over there in Illinois, compliments of Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Blagojevich (pronounced BlogOY-a-vich. If you need to remember that in the future, pretty much everything except for the 'B' is silent.) was arrested at his home on Dec. 9 and charged federally with more than one count of corruption, accepting/receiving bribes, conspiracy, you know...your basic Tony Soprano lineup of crimes. Now, I had never heard of this tool before December 9, but when I first caught a glimpse of him, I knew it was going to be good! First things first, dude...what is with the hair?! You look like a Fisher-Price toy. Either that or one of those Lego men. Do you think we ("we" as in "everyone except for you") can't tell that's a piece? That it's a rug? That you're hoping to be the next President of the Hair Club for Men? It's horrible. It does, however, have a sort of mobster look to it, which is what he was going for, apparently.

Whew! Glad I got that out! It's been bugging me for days! So, he's the sitting Governor of Illinois and he's arrested on charges that are really unbecoming of a politician. Naturally, there's immediate talk for him to step down, to resign, to get the hell out of Dodge. But does he? Oh, no! No, he stays! Not only does he STAY, he goes to WORK, as the freaking Governor after he was booked and released on bond. Oh, how I wish I could have been there to get the reactions from his staff when he strolled into the office! (I wonder if any of them had the guts to ask him, 'Um, sir? What in the hell are you doing here?' I'm guessing they didn't, and not because they were wimpy, but because no one wanted to be seen talking with him or associated with him. Can't say that I blame them. I wouldn't want to be associated with him just for that hair alone! The corruption would be secondary to that hair.)

Now, admit it....you'd be disappointed if this story didn't have an equally allegedly crooked, possibly crazy wife to provide us all with some amusement fodder, wouldn't you? Of course you would. Deeply disappointed. But you can turn that frown upside down because there is a wacky wife! Patti Blagojevich, who is heard (on FBI wiretaps of the Gov's conversations) using the F-word as if it is a preposition. F-this. F-that. And moreso, F-them! Those effers! F-it! She sent out a little memo/note to all of their neighbors in an attempt to apologize for the "barrage" of media coverage. (Barrage? I love me a good barrage now and again!) I'll translate along the way.

Dear Neighbor (I have no idea what your name is): My husband and I would like to apologize to you (kiss your ass) and your family for the media barrage (pesky reporters) that descended on our neighborhood (staked us out day and night because my husband is a lying, cheating weasel. Allegedly.). While we signed up for this kind of attention by choosing a life in public service (We're attention whores), you didn't. All you did was choose to live in our wonderful neighborhood (Made more wonderful my our presence.).

We are very sorry (We really don't give a fat rat's ass) for any inconvenience this has caused you. We hope it will soon subside (He's guilty as sin, but false hope gets us through our delusional day), not only for the sake of our children (do you think I want to be taking care of them by myself while he's up the river? Hell, no!) but also for you and your family (whoever they are.). We wish you and your family a wonderful holiday season (Burn in hell if you tell the press about the time you saw me wearing Blago's toupee) and a healthy and happy NEW YEAR (don't get too drunk, you lush). Sincerely, Patti Blagojevich.

She sounds like a peach, doesn't she? But back to the Governor. He's been about as defiant and defiant can be since this whole thing broke loose. During his attempt to go for a jog the other day, he told the throng of reporters (who were stuck on Blago-watch detail) that he was "dying" to tell his side of the story! Excellent! I love it when people are "dying" to tell their side of the story! That means they either a) won't, or b) will! The thing is, if those who are doing all of the "dying" to talk actually end up talking, they always seem to be telling you what appear to be obvious lies, yet they're acting like you're so stupid that you're going to believe their incredulous tale of how incredibly unlucky they are to be in the predicament that they're in. Those sorts of people can also be prone to just spouting things out of their mouth that...well...seem a bit "odd" at the time. And afterwards. According to the Chicago Daily Herald, as he stood on his front steps to his home, he told the reporters, "Hang loose, to quote Elvis. Hang loose." Hang loose?? WTF?

OK, so now the hair makes a little more sense. He's channeling his inner Elvis and he's doing it through his scalp! Well, hey, Blago, allow me to throw out a quote. To quote Bugs Bunny, "What a maroon."

But today was the day I was waiting for the the crooked Governor did not disappoint! Today was his press conference that he was just "dying" to have. What a freak. I watched it numerous times just so I could see if my initial impression would stay with me after more than one viewing. And, for the most part, it did. Does he think he's JFK? I think he does. But you judge. I'm all judged out for a moment or two.

So does the guy look like a hyperactive 8-year old or what? Did he have to pee while he was giving that speech? Seriously, I'm wondering if the guy's doing drugs. I don't know what kind, but speed, definitely. Coke, perhaps. It tends to give one an overly inflated sense of themselves and he definitely has that. He simply could not stand still! He looked like he was wearing someone else's pants and had them on backwards at that! All of the shifting and leaning back and forth as if he had an atomic wedgie going on. And he said absolutely nothing! (Another indicator of perhaps some cocaine use, as those on coke tend to blather on and on about absolutely nothing, yet they are convinced that they're just achieved world peace.)

But it's when they start quoting poets that you know that they have lost it. Kipling? (Why is it that whenever I read the name "Kipling", I think of some greeting card with a guy and a girl sitting beneath a tree and the guy asks her, "Do you like Kipling?" and the girl responds, "I don't know. I've never Kippled." I don't even find it particularly funny, but it always pops into my head when I read the name "Kipling". I don't know why. Odd. Somewhat annoying. But I digress.)

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself, when all men doubt you and make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting; Or being lied about, don't deal in lies; Or being hated, don't give way to hate.'

It doesn't even rhyme! I thought poems were supposed to rhyme! Where is Dr. Seuss when we need him? (If you're really wondering where Dr. Seuss is, well, Seuss is dead. Dead I said. Down in the ground with dirt on his head.) Aside from the incredible gall that it took for him to read that, I loved it when he said, "I'll tell you what I'm not going to do." Then there was a pause as he sifted through his note cards to figure out what he was not going to do! (Dammit, I know it's in here somewhere! Not going to do, not going to do....something....something!) And then the, "I intend to answer every allegation that...." Yeessssss? "That......." We're waiting! ".....comes my way." Ah! OK, I'm with you now. Did you forget that part, Governor? It's the same at the end when he's giving thanks to everyone who has supported him (he's talking to no one). "Patti and I cannot express......" and then it's like he changed his mind or another personality took over or what, but after about 2-3 seconds of saying nothing he finishes with, ".......to you."

He sort of has a kind of Mike Brady air about him when he's giving his Holier-Than-Thou oration there. Well, Mike Brady if Mike Brady had an evil twin that was just a dickhead. (And if it was the Mike Brady before he started perming his hair. So, not the really gay looking Mr. Brady, just the closeted looking Mr. Brady.) "But I have on my side the most powerful ally there is, and it's the truth." He was just so smug when he said that. And it was really quite Mike Brady-esque. I halfway expected him to follow it up with, "Now, you boys go get those leaves out of the backyard. I'm going to go shopping with your mother."

He is about the most narcissistic individual that I've seen in public in a long time. My God, he's full of himself. So what else have we learned from all of this? Well, if you watched the video up there, you know that the best part is that he might be crazy as well as a jerk! But as far as I can tell, there won't be any sex! I know! Sad, but true, I think the tawdriness is missing from this politician scandal. Weird, eh? The guy might be crazy, could be on drugs, is clearly the most crooked politician the public has been made aware of in a long time, and yet despite all of those "shortcomings", he seems to be loyal to his wife, the Carmella Soprano wannabe over there.

Go figure.

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