The Reselling of a Scumbag's Ill Begotten Items

Let's see what scumbucket Bernie Madoff spent everyone else's money on, shall we? After all, almost 200 items went up for auction yesterday. All items which were bought with other people's money had been seized from Bernie's three luxury properties that he bought with other people's money (you know, the money that he stole via the biggest Ponzi scheme in the history of the world). Here is just a sampling of some of the things that Madoff made off with.

Here we have a NY Mets jacket with 'Madoff' stitched onto the back. Oooh! How cool were you, dude? What exactly did you think wearing that would accomplish? Did you think that folks were going to look at the 70-ish old you wearing that jacket with your name on the back and think that you played for the Mets?!

Here we have some of his wife's jewelry. This would be three pairs of diamond earrings and a diamond and an Edwardian-era (who the heck is Edward? He has an entire era?!) emerald bracelet. Isn't that bracelet the kind that one would see on loan and on the wrist of a celebrity at the Academy Awards or something? Who owns something like that? Ruth Madoff is (was) who.

Speaking of Ruth (you remember her. She's his wife who claimed to know nothing about her husband's scheming ways. And she felt so badly about what he had done that when she was being evicted from their property, she asked if she could take her furs with her. Yeah, she clearly felt terrible about the whole thing. Bitch.) and her furs, here they are! Minus Ruth, of course. From my count, there are at least ten furs in that picture. Look, no one needs ten furs. I don't think that anyone even needs one fur, really. How many animals are running around naked right this very moment because they had to give up their fur for those coats?? What's that? Dead?!!? Good Lord, it's worse than I thought!

Here is a cigar box and a cigar box bag that it would appear Madoff had made up for some little jaunt off the Montauk in 1993. What is with that logo on that bag? Did some 5th grade class do that for him? Who has bags made for their boxes when they're going on vacation? I've never done that. It not only seems silly, it seems like it would take up a great deal of my time to get accomplished. (Then again, looking at that logo, it doesn't appear as if a whole lot of effort went into this idea. That's what will happen when you're pissing away someone else's money. You don't give a fat rat's ass what you spend it on. After all, it's not your money.)

Here are a couple of his boogie boards with his name wrote on them with permanent marker. What? Was he afraid someone was going to steal them? Oh, no! Then he'd have to go out and buy new ones and who can afford something like that these days?! (Um, probably people who are operating a Ponzi scheme so big it's only through the incompetence of the SEC that they don't get caught sooner.)

This is an appropriate item. This is a Rolex watch that was available to British prisoners of war during World War II. It's name is the Rolex Monoblocco, but it's nicknamed "The Prisoner". How appropriate for Mr. Madoff, as that's exactly what he'll be for the rest of his life. The prisoner. Dumbass. By the way, did I mention that this was only one of several Rolexes that he owned. Not just watches, but Rolexes. I didn't? He did. Own several. At least ten were up for sale at this particular auction. Un-believable. What a jackass.

And finally, we have what I find to be one of the more appropriate pieces of the Bernie Madoff era. This would be a life preserver for one of his boats, seemingly named The Bullship. That's just way too close to bullsh*t for it to just be a coincidence. Pretty accurate, I'd say. Everything that guy did or said was all a bunch of B.S. Hopefully this auction will net a large sum of money. It will never be enough to pay back all of the investors who lost the billions that he siphoned from them, but something is better than nothing. And he has a buttload of more things that can be sold, so look forward to more auctions in the future. Now, if we could only look forward to Bernie being someone's bitch in prison, that would be restitution!

Sphere: Related Content

The Gaudiness of Drug Dealers

Down south in Mexico, America's...Shoe, the drug cartels are in full swing these days. To say that it is a big business would be a gross understatement. It's enormous. And they take all of this drug trafficking thing VERY seriously. So seriously that the drug gangs in Mexico are incredibly violent (they have a penchant for de-noggin-izing those who get in the way of their profiteering) and it's really not all that safe down in the non-touristy parts of Mexico right now. (Mexico thrives on the spots that the tourists frequent. without the tourism dollars, Mexico's economy would tank. The drug lords know this and basically stay away from the high tourist destinations. They prefer to keep their organized mayhem amongst the locals and let the visitors to their country see the sights. Aahhh, the sign of a good businessman.)

Now, the gangs and the cartels are all making an incredible amount of money with the whole trading of the drugs around. And like any capitalist enterprise, a percentage of the revenue goes back into the business and what is left after that is the profit. No sense in just keeping a big pile of money around. That would appear to be the line of thinking that the drug lords tend to go with. Thus, they spend it on items to not only enhance their standing within the gang-drug-trade profession/organizations, it also enables them to look as cool as they think that they are. That is to say, not very. "Shiny" would describe their purchases with their ill-begotten funds more than "cool" would.

When a drug lord gets busted (still not real clear on how or when that happens, but it apparently does on occasion) Mexico's Asset Administration and Disposal Service (the ol' SAE) gets to gather up their belongings and sell them off and then disperse the proceeds between the attorney general's office, the court system and the health department. Huh. Diverse.

And while it's a fine idea, my question is who is going to buy this stuff? Because it would seem to me that the people who would be in the market for some of these items are the exact same type of people that the items were seized from. The drug lords! Behold!

Here we have what appears to be Mexico's version of the perp walk, only instead of parading the suspects out in front of a live studio audience, they parade them past the cache of weaponry that has just been seized from their Tuf-Shed. Behold!

But if you really want to make a statement (not sure exactly about WHAT, but a statement, nonetheless), you can always go with something a bit more flashy....more gaudy....more...Zorro the Really, Really Gay Blade, But With a Gun. Like this!

And if you'd really like to show people what kind of a drug lord you are, you can wheel and deal on this gold and diamond encased cell phone (which would show that you're the type of drug lord who doesn't know when people are laughing at them), behold!

So do you think that the local shopkeeper who is looking for a firearm for protection is going to think to himself, "I wonder if they have any solid gold Colt handguns somewhere around here? Maybe Sears? Where would I get me something like that? Ooh! And a holster with rhinestones! Yeah, I WISH."

I ran the text of the placard there in the front through Google Translate and it returned this translation:

"marcotraficante staff of the weapon is also their working tool, it aims to express the symbol of his "power", hence the preference for larger sizes, at the same time the weapon is a showcase to display their wealth, through ostentatious cachas and recorded in the body of the gun." Translation of the translation: Penis extension. Doesn't matter the country, doesn't matter the language, it's a penis extension no matter how you look at it. (And hopefully you won't have to!)

I think if Scarface were gay and had a Vegas show with a gangster theme, these would be only some of the props.Sign translation: Someting about it being a Colt .45 and it was taken at a Gold Cup National Soccer Match. Huh. Why do you need a gold, silver and be-diamonded handgun at a soccer match? In case there's a bad call?

Here we have Jesus. No! Not THAT Jesus! Jesus. Son of God Jesus. You know Him! And what personal firearm would be complete without a small gold Jesus on the side of the grip? At least, I think it's Jesus. Could be one of those Saints that they have one of for everything over there. Violente, the patron saint of drug trafficking perhaps?

Below is a gold plated Versace gun and $30,000 in cash. Hey! I don't think that gun is REALLY a Versace! Did you buy the gun at the same place where they were selling designer handbags for really cheap? That might explain it. And I've got ten bucks that says that the owner of that gun wore Sergio Valente jeans as well.
And these are just the weapons. Can you imagine what their drug financed dwellings must look like if they bling-out their firearms like that? Let's take a look and see if a drug lords taste in weaponry is similar to his taste in home decor, shall we?

Well. Here's something you don't see every day. Thank God. What the hell is that? It's like a man-made cavern INSIDE of someone's house. Well, palace. OK, DRUG PALACE. Regardless, it's freaking weird! I can't tell if that thing in the water is supposed to be a floating shoe or a canoe or what.

What drug chalet would be complete without the cache of exotic animals to serve as pets (and to hopefully get them laid)? Here we have the everyday drug dealer pet, the black panther. These particular panthers are not wearing the traditional diamond medallions that are seen on some of the more commonly owned black panthers.

So, say I was a drug lord. Where, exactly, do I go about buying myself a lion? Behold!

It's kind of like how Michael Jackson's Neverland was; just substitute all of the children with drugs and they're practically the same. You have to have a cherub doing a handstand by the pool! If you don't, the other drug lords will think that you're a wuss.
In case you're thinking about picking up some of these gems for your own personal abode and wanted to know how to go about something as odd as that, according to The Telegraph, the auctions to sell these items usually take place in "upmarket hotels or on eBay". eBay?! Next to Sarah Palin's state jet or what? That doesn't seem right. Then again, neither does burning all of the drugs that they've seized once they've got Cokey Smurf behind bars. Behold!

Sphere: Related Content

Bulgarian Brides Being Bought

It's a tricky thing to get married...in some parts of the world. But apparently not so tough in Bulgaria, provided you have a few thousand euros lying around that you're willing to part with in exchange for a teenage gypsy bride, yours to keep as your...new....wife. Wait. What?

According to Mail Online over yonder in the UK, this oddity of oddities "...takes place on the first Saturday after the start of the orthodox Easter fast - the Day of Saint Todor, or Horse Easter." Ah, yes! Horse Easter! I remember it well. Almost like...almost like...almost like I've never heard of that term in my entire life. WTH are they doing over there in Bulgaria, for cryin' out loud?! Horse Easter?? What the heck is Horse....

....Easter. Oh. Never mind. So...Bulgaria! Um, yeah, they do this thing every year where a bunch of the locals, er, villagers...whatever they are...Bulgarians! That's it! The Bulgarians gather with their teenage daughters in tow at what basically amounts to an open-air bride market. (Sort of like a farmer's market. Only instead of ears of corn, there are teenage girls. It's practically the same!) The Mail Online says "At the market in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros." (I'm guessing that price also includes any future dental work for your...teenage....bride....pirate? "Argh! Please pay plenty of dubloons for me daughter. Argh!" What's with the gold tooth, ladies?)

Wow. I wonder what the less than beautiful women go for. (Maybe they just trade those ears of corn.) I understand it's a different culture and all of that and people do different things all over the world. But why would you basically put your daughter up for sale? Fortunately, Elena from Kapitan Andreevo answered that very question. 'We take our daughters to this gathering so they could get acquainted with boys, for we do not allow our children to go to discos." Right. Because allowing your daughter to go to a "disco" would just be wrong! Of course. It's all clear to me now.

When a suitable buyer is found for said teenage maiden, that is said to be cause for celebration. "One newly-wed couple bellydanced on top of an old car to show their happiness at finding a match."

I like how they put the plaid blanket down on top of the car, presumably to prevent it from getting footprints. Though I am starting to become concerned that these folks have their priorities just a little bit out of order. Not that a shiny car top isn't important! That's not it. But when the footprints that you're worried about are a direct result of the celebration that has broken out because you have just sold your daughter to the highest bidder? Just take a minute or two and rethink things, that's all I'm saying.

What if these folks decide to go all hi-tech on us one of these days? We could start seeing these teenage brides-to-be popping up on eBay and craigslist! It's unfortunate that the Mail Online article didn't mention just how many of these girls ended up being sold at the end of the day. Or how many of the girls were of the caliber of those pictured. That's the number that would make all the difference, really. Because if the photos here are an accurate representation of the average participant of this event, I might not be as concerned as I was when I first heard about this. There might not be much to be concerned about at all. Nope.

Sphere: Related Content

Going Once, Going Twice, Weird!

Michael Jackson is doing 10 shows in London in July and according to him, "This is it. This. Is it. This is it." He's seeming to imply that he's leaving open the possibility to doing more shows at a future date, don't you think? Regardless, it would appear that the man-child is strapped for cash and needs to generate some income. That was the implied reason that I derived from an auction of his personal belongings said to be taking place April 21-25, 2009 in Los Angeles.. After all, he has three children (yes, I, too, shudder at the thought) whom he needs to raise. Blanket and the other two, um, I always forget their names.....oh, Pillowcase and Dust Ruffle, that's right! He has to make sure that they're taken care of! So what better way that to make some quick cash than selling off some of the weird ass stuff that you, as one The King of Pop, have accumulated over the years. (Lifesize mannequin of Macaulay Culkin strangely absent.)

Here are just a few of the many, many items that, for a price, can be yours. Behold!

Here we have some bronzed figures of Michael dressed as a Peter Pan like character. Odd that he would have these. Odder yet is the positions that the characters are in. It's like some sort of medieval torture chamber dipped in bronze.

He seems to have taken that "King of Pop" nickname a bit too seriously, as here are his bejewelled crown and furry and tasseled royal cape. I picture him wearing them around the house, just to lounge in, possibly on Sundays. You know, while doing the dishes with Be-Dazzled rubber gloves as to avoid sequined dishpan hands.

I also picture him wearing them whilst sitting in his red velvet and gold throne and staring into the eyes of the portrait of Prince Michael. Huh.

That he owns the actual scissorhands from the movie Edward Scissorhands does not surprise me. It shouldn't be a shocker to anyone that the man tends to relate to those who find themselves isolated and embroiled deep within their own inner turmoil. That he's giving them up is a bit more of a surprise than that he owns them.

This is the hood of his golf cart, presumably the one that he could have rode around his Neverland ranch, perhaps when he went out to pick up the morning newspaper from the driveway (in the hopes that some store would be advertising where there would be boys pants half off.)

Here we have props and masks from the Moonwalker movie or video or something else that no one other than him saw. Again, the reflections into the tortured soul of a one Michael Jackson.

Now, I played Cops and Robbers too when I was a kid, but not so much as an adult and definitely not as an adult with my own made-to-look-like-a-CHP-motorcycle Harley Davidson. Seriously, can anyone picture MJ actually riding that? Anyone? I didn't think so.

Here is an odd pairing of items Awards from the Michael Jackson album "Bad" and a wood curio with a Peter Pan theme on the front of it. This whole Peter Pan thing is really starting to creep me out right about now. Did no one that was close to him ever sit him down and just say, "Mike! Snap out of it!" Apparently not. That's unfortunate.

Michael apparently felt it was important that he leave his mark everywhere or that he made such an impression upon everyone that he encountered that they couldn't help but take on some of his trademark traits. Does he see himself in all of these figures, I wonder, or does he see all of these figures in himself? And it's such an unlikely grouping of characters. Two American Presidents, one genius, one fictional (and very lonely) space alien and a portrait of a mystery woman. And all with sunglasses and Be-Dazzled glove. Odd. Very, very odd.

Ever wonder if you have too much money? Here's a good way to tell: If you start having gold and silver heads made that are supposed to resemble your own head, that's a good indicator right there! Seriously, what the hell?? Behold!

Below is his Rolls Royce limo that made me think I had stumbled onto a little corner of normalcy in his life when I saw it. It seems normal. On the outside.

But on the inside? Um, well....Behold!

What the hell is that? Did he buy this limo used from Liberace? Why is it like that? How could you relax in there with all of that....that.....that going on around you? I, for one, could not.

So there you have it. Secure your place in line now. Many, many more items await your desire! (ugh.)

Sphere: Related Content

First Time For Everything

Remember a while back there was a guy who was selling everything he owned on eBay? All of his earthly possessions auctioned off in one lot. I think he ended up getting around $147K for them. It was close to that. Then there was another guy who was auctioning off his life, including his friends and his job. (No recollection as to how that one turned out, but if I had been one of the guy's friends, I'd have had plenty to say about it. "What if the new guy is a douchebag? Do I still have to be his friend?" Stuff like that.) Now, $147,000 isn't bad, but if you think about it as a price tag on your entire life, $147,000 seems a little low. But it's come to my attention that those two chaps were just doing it wrong. They were selling their life, their belongings, material possessions. If they really wanted to make some cash, they should have done two things differently One, they should have been women. Two, they should have put their virginity up for auction to pay for grad school. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Natalie Dylan.

Natalie is 21-year old virgin and is willing to have a medical exam to prove it if the results from the polygraph test that she's already taken doesn't quite cut it for you. She is also hard up for cash and is selling her virginity to the highest bidder. If the bids so far are any indication, she'll be able to pay for grad school and get a doctorate as well, as so far the highest offer is $250,000. That's one pricey virgin right there. It's a good thing she's cute otherwise I'd have a lot more questions than I already do.

According to the folks over at CBS13, "Dylan earned her bachelor's degree in women's studies from Sacramento State and plans to get her master's at the school beginning in January." Women's studies. I see. Did she study this? The shameless auctioning off of one's self in order to pay for school (and a little bit more as well)? I'm guessing that she did not. Perhaps she should have been a marketing major or gone into advertising. Pubic public relations is another field that I'm sure she would have done well in. But women's studies is was. So be it.

So why doesn't she have any money to pay for school? Well, according to her she,"...ended up in a financial bind, because her stepfather allegedly used her college status to fraudulently apply for student loans, and then ran off with the money." Now, that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Something doesn't seem quite right here, aside from the whole premise to begin with. What kind of student loans are available out there for the stepfather of a student? Or is that supposed to mean that he fraudulently applied for loans in her name and then took that money and bailed? I don't know which it is, but I do know that usually the term "stepfather" implies that the guy is married to one's "mother". And the statement above seems to imply that the guy took off, which is why she can't just call up Mom and ask what's up with the stepfather, right? Yeah, this story has a few holes in it. (Mmmm...yeah, OK, pun probably intended there.)

She initially tried to auction off her virginal self on eBay ("You'll find it on eBay". Man, they weren't kidding!), but they rejected the auction. Shocking, I know. So what does a graduate of the women's studies program at Sacramento State do in a situation like this where the world's largest online auction site won't let you auction off the first time you have sex? Why, you do the next closest thing and you find a whore house in Nevada and have the owner handle the process (but nothing more). Um, what?

Dennis Hof is the owner of The Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada. (Hof is also the owner of Dick's Roadhouse. How ironic.) The Bunny Ranch, while it sounds all innocent and cute like the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, is a legal brothel. As if the fact that it's legal makes this or that any more palatable. (It doesn't.) Hof has owned the Bunny Ranch since 1992 and the Bunny Ranch currently employs about 500 hookers who are independent contractors and about 40 hourly hookers. Yeah, I'll bet there's a lot of contracting going on there. And retracting. And contorting. Not to mention the cavorting (hence the term "whorehouse").

Hof (which sounds a bit too much like "Hef" for me. Makes me wonder if that's his real name and wouldn't shock me a bit if it wasn't.) says that the 21-year old virgin "...is a bright, beautiful young woman who's going to consider a number of factors in her decision because she wants her first time to be a positive experience. "Natalie is a very smart girl. All she wants to do is get her master's degree in family and marriage counseling and be a psychologist." I'm not so sure that I could consider my "first time" to be a "positive experience" if I was whoring myself out to the highest bidder. Hardly what I would call "positive".

Would it surprise you to learn that there have been hundreds of offers so far? Of course not? Would it surprise you to learn that some have been from male virgins? God no, that wouldn't surprise anyone. I'm surprised that the majority of offers weren't from male virgins placing their bids online in between breaks from their Dungeons and Dragons game in their parent's basement. According to Hof, he says that there are a "number of things in determining the winner of the auction, including the amount of money offered and the man's personality. She wants to be with a nice person that is going to help her continue her education." OK, a nice person isn't going to be bidding to get you in the sack. Wealthy, perhaps. Nice? That's questionable. Here's a picture of the "nice girl" hoping to find a "nice person" to help with that "nice education".

Nice.

See, that doesn't sound like a real "auction" to me. If she gets to pick and choose the lucky stud muffin to be the first to bed her, that makes me wonder about what's up. It also makes me wonder just how stupid some of these folks are who are bidding for Virginpalooza over there. Last time I checked (which was never, but you know what I mean), you could get a pretty decent looking hooker for a heck of a lot less than $250,000. Morons. Horny, unlaid morons.

There's a lot about this that makes me think that this isn't what it may seem to be. Now, I'm not saying that anyone is lying, but I am saying that the whole ordeal raises some questions (that's another way of saying "lying"). Here's one of them: Natalie Dylan isn't the virgin's real name. CBS13 tells us that she is using the pseudonym Natalie Dylan for safety reasons." Safety reasons. Uh-huh. And because she's using a fake name to help protect herself, that's why she has a picture of herself for those interested bidders to view. I'm thinking the name change isn't going to help your "safety" much if you have a picture of yourself out there for all the world to see.

Oooh, and I hope the world does see it and that someone that actually knows this chick comes forward and says whether or not she's crazy. If she is nuts, we'll know. Actually, if someone does pipe up to say something about this, it will be one of three things. That person will say that a) she's crazy, b) they've slept with her already, or c) she's lying about everything. One or more of those three things. Guaranteed. Oooh! And she went on Howard Stern's show to promote her Virginal Giveaway! Here she is showing up for that show. Virginal, no?

I'm also not seeing when this "auction" is going to end. But if it were me (and it never will be), I'd be for having it end sooner rather than later. Because if this sticks around too long, just like most trash, it's going to start to stink after a while. She's going to want to get her money and have her sex and then get the heck out of Dodge. And go get that Master's degree afterward, of course.

Sphere: Related Content