Dan Wacky-royd

Well, add Dan Aykroyd to the list of wacky celebrities. Wacky celebrities with wacky ideas that they share with the world via centarian Larry King on CNN.

Now, I don't know why Dan Aykroyd was on Larry King. I can't possibly imagine what the topic was. And it's not like I would trust CNN to tell me at this point anyway. For cryin' out loud, their captioning guy can't even spell "consultant" correctly. Behold!

"Consulatant". Great. Anyway, if spelling were the wackiest thing that was going on here, I'd consider all of us quite lucky. But it's not. Nope. Not even close. From what I can tell, Dan was asked about what he thinks about aliens and whether or not they have visited this planet. Please note that considering the caption says that he is a "consulatant" for something called the "Mutual UFO Network", it's a pretty safe bet that he's going to be pro-alien in this instance.

But what IS the Mutual UFO Network you ask before I can get to the kooky talk? Well, according to their website, "Founded in 1969, the Mutual UFO Network, Inc. (MUFON) is a nonprofit corporation dedicated, through its volunteers, to resolving the scientific enigma known collectively as unidentified flying objects (UFOs)." Hmmm. Now, look, it would be rather egotistical (I think) for one to think that planet Earth is the ONLY planet in this ridiculously huge solar system that has intelligent life. I'm good with that. But it's when people start talking all crazy about it that it starts sounding just completely nuts. Kinda like Dan Aykroyd did.

Just like I can't quite surmise why Dan Aykroyd was on Larry King, I can't possibly guess as to what he was asked that would make him give this rambling diatribe:

"They only land in isolated places. They have taken people, I believe. They do have technology. Lord Hill Norton of the, uh, British Defense Staff said that he believed 23 people, er, 23 different species are coming because they don't want anything to do with us. I don't think we will ever have a formal relationship, a formal contact with any alien species out there. Especially after 9/11 when we broke our toys in the sandbox. If they were observing that, goodbye human race. And, uh, honestly, I don't think they're a mass threat, but I do believe they're breaking the law. I'm serious. Title eighteen twelve-oh-two. Read the Travis Walton story." OK, then. What do you say to that? I'll get right on it?

I suppose that I'd have to start off with "What in the hell are you talking about, sir?! Lord who? The Waltons? What? Sandbox? 9/11? Goodbye? What?!" You know how on an iPod you can put it on "Shuffle" and it will just randomly search through your iPod and then start playing songs at random? It's like Dan Aykroyd put his vocabulary on "Shuffle" and words just started flying out of his mouth at random. What in the world is he talking about?

And even though I don't know what you'd say and I don't know what I'd say, I certainly know what Larry King said. He asked him (of all things), "How do you arrest them?" And while that is a seemingly valid question, given everything Dan was just spouting off about, it's kind of the least of the things that I was really curious about, you know?

But Dan answered him with "Uh, that's the king. The FBI should be on that right away. I don't think they're a mass threat. If you want to save lives in this country, teach people to drive better, remove the cocaine appetite in the United States and stop people from texting while driving. That's the way to save lives." Wait. What's the king? I missed that part (and believe me, I was paying very close attention). Why did cocaine get brought into this? Are people doing the cocaine while they're texting while driving? I certainly hope not. That seems like an awful lot to try to manage all at the same time. The cell phone, the mirror, the straw...it does seem dangerous, though.

He came up with all of that in answer to how does one arrest these aliens that are here and breaking law eighteen twelve-oh-two in a way that may or may not involve a one Travis Walton?! Are you kidding me?

He finished up with, "I look at this...I look at this through the entertainment filter, Larry. That's what I do." That's hard to disagree with. It was definitely entertaining. Crazy as a pet coon, but entertaining none the less. The video of him spouting such entertainment is below. If you can make heads or tails out of it, please, for the love of God, let me know. It's things like this that tend to keep me up at night. Sometimes.

Sphere: Related Content

Willie Nelson - Truther

Are you familiar with the Truther movement? Or just the Truthers? They're the folks who don't believe the accepted explanations for what happened to the Twin Towers on 9/11. Yeah, they're the folks who believe that it was some sort of inside job by the US government. The basis for their beliefs seems to be strongly rooted in wanting to believe in a conspiracy. That's really the only explanation for it, as there isn't any logical reason one would believe that there is evidence pointing toward it being an inside job.

Now, there are plenty of folks out there who have come out and questioned what "really happened". Granted, when they get told what did really happen, they don't want to believe that. That's what makes them a truther. (It's also what makes them a nutjob, but that's a different topic all together.) There are some rather famous people who have publicly questioned what happened that day. Martin Sheen...Charlie Sheen (must run in the family)...Jesse Ventura (maybe it runs in Minnesota, too)...Rosie O'Donnell...and now we can add to that list. Now we can add old stoner, country singer Willie Nelson to that list.

Willie Nelson was on ancient Larry King's show the other night. And the ancient Larry King asked him about his truther views on 9/11. That, in and of itself, was shocking, as Larry King seems to be really good at lobbing softballs at people these days. (Quite frankly, it's amazing that Larry King can lob anything. What is he? Like one hundred?) He started off the conversation with, "What prompted you to look into this from another angle?" And Willie answered with the most ironic of answers when he said, "Just logic."

No, see, if you were using the "logic" that you claimed that you were using, you would have come to the conclusion that all of the conspiracy theories are completely ridiculous. But that's the problem with truthers. They are really into their own definition of logic. And Willie exemplified that point by explaining, "I've seen buildings implode before. I just saw the Texas Stadium implode just a couple of days ago. And these two building imploded. And the one next to it. Nothing hit it. No plane hit the one next to it. It just decided to fall on its own. Naturally, I have questions about how did that happen." Do you Willie? Really? Why? Because it's the same? Uh-huh. Whatever.

Did the building have to be hit with a plane for it to collapse? You don't think that it was possible for it to have been hit by debris from the two falling towers in order for it to collapse? That thought never crossed your mind, Willie? Apparently it did not. Then the ancient Larry King tries to reason with Willie Nelson (there's a sentence I never thought I'd type) by saying, "I'm told that the reason that it imploded was the so much heat from above and so much fuel on the jets that that caused it to go down rather than go over." OK. I'm not a fan of how he phrased that, but fair enough. Willie? Your response? "Never before has a building collapsed because it was hit by an airplane. A steel building. Never. Before." Oh, for cryin' out loud. Really?

This is where Larry King comes back with a pretty good response for someone who is 120 years old. He asked, "Uh, has any building been hit by a 747, though?" Willie? "I'm sure they have." Are you now? That's the best you can do? You're sure that they have? See, in order to avoid looking like a cuckoo bird, that would really have been the best place to provide the folks with some facts. But you don't have any facts. No, you have marijuana. That doesn't help sharpen your logic and reasoning skills, I'm guessing.

Larry King: "You think that there was something going on inside the building." Crazy Willie: "Well, I just question the whole thing. I question the story. I question the implosions. It just looks...too simple. You know?" Actually, no. No, I don't know. Simple doesn't necessarily mean "simple". Physics, while complex, are very simple when you understand the basic concepts. Heat melts steel! Get over it!

This is where I get a little annoyed at Larry King. He placates Willie by saying, "Well, others have questioned it too...although there was an investigation." How is that helping?! Don't tell these nutjobs that it's OK that they're thinking and promoting a bunch of stuff that is complete crap. What good does that do? None! All it does is give Willie Nelson the opportunity to say, "There was an investigation and I think that there should be more." Do you? How high are you right now, Willie? Very, I'm guessing.

So, Willie Nelson thinks that there should be more of an investigation as to how those buildings that were hit with airliners managed to implode because he saw Texas Stadium go down a few days ago? Sure, that makes sense. Who are you people? I don't get you at all. Listen, if you folks really believe that crap, what are you still doing here? Seriously. Because I think that if I believed that the government of my country had done something that sinister, I don't think that I could continue to live there. So, what are you people still doing here? Why haven't you moved to France or Germany? (Sorry, France and Germany. It's nothing personal. I was just thinking of someplace far away. I'm not trying to push all of these nutjobs on you.) What are you still doing here? Go! If the United States is so damn evil, get the hell out.

The video of Larry King and the stoned nutjob Willie Nelson is below. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it, but all it did was frustrate the hell out of me.

Sphere: Related Content

Another "Celebrity" Drug Death

Look, I've never in my life formed an opinion about Corey Feldman. Ever. But I think that I kind of knew that I was going to form one when I saw him at Michael Jackson's memorial service...dressed like Michael Jackson. Who does that? I've been to plenty of funerals in my time and never once have I gone to one where the attendees were dressed as the deceased. Never! Not once! You know why? Because it's weird. That is correct.

When Michael Jackson died, suddenly everything turned into the "Corey Feldman Media Tour". He did interviews with everyone that would listen to him, and given the state of the media these days, that pretty much included all of the media. He seems pretty fond of going on Larry King Live for some reason. Maybe it's because Larry isn't exactly at what I would call the top of his game anymore. (I'm assuming Larry knows that he's IN a studio and that it's the year 2010, but other than that, it's really hard to say.) And now that his buddy Corey Haim has met a sad, but fairly predictable, early demise, I'm expecting the Corey Feldman Media Tour to pick up steam and start moving full speed ahead.

I'll get back to Larry King in a moment. First, I'd like to present to you the slightly strange public statement that Corey Feldman issued in the wake of his friend's death. Now, Feldman and Haim had been best friends at various points in their lives. It was due to Haim's constant/frequent drug use and the sort of behavior that results from constant/frequent drug use which produced a strain on the relationship of these two former child stars. It's unclear exactly how close the two were at the time of Haim's death yesterday morning. But Feldman isn't going to let a little distance between friends come between him and a little bit of free publicity for himself. Here's his statement that he released after learned of Mr. Haim's death (which drugs likely played a part in).

"I was awakened at 8:30 this morning by my brother and sister knocking on my bedroom door. They informed me of the loss of my brother Corey Haim. My eyes weren't even open all the way when the tears started streaming down my face. I am so sorry for Corey, his mother Judy, his family, my family, all of our fans, and of course my son who I will have to find a way to explain this to when he gets home from school. This is a tragic loss of a wonderful, beautiful, tormented soul, who will always be my brother, family, and best friend. We must all take this as a lesson in how we treat the people we share this world with while they are still here to make a difference. Please respect our families as we struggle and grieve through this difficult time. I hope the art Corey has left behind will be remembered as the passion of that for which he truly lived."

OK, I don't know about you, but I found that a rather odd statement to make. And there was actually a part of it that made me a little mad. the part about "We must all take this as a lesson in how we treat the people we share this world with while they are still here to make a difference." Um, is he implying that Mr. Haim was mistreated during his time on this earth? Look, when you're a drug addict and you act like a drug addict, it's really not the people who are not drug addicts who need the lecture on how they're treating the drug addict, you know? It's not like the drug addicts are treating the non-drug addicts with the utmost respect all of the time. In case you were unaware, Mr. Feldman, drug addicts are rarely concerned about the lives of others. No, they're a little self-centered. But I digress. (Whoops. Gee, do you think a little bit of reality seeped in there, folks? I think it might have. Carry on.)

So, Mr. Feldman was on Larry King Live where he made some interesting statements. One of the things that he said which stood out to me was "Where were all these people to lend a handout, to reach out ot him and say, you're a legend, you're an amazingly talented wonderful person who's never really gone out of his way to hurt anyone, other than himself." Um, OK, first things first. "A legend"? Dude, Corey Haim might have been a lot of things, but he certainly wasn't a legend. I don't know that I can give you the exact formula for what makes a legend, but it doesn't include Corey Haim. He's not a legend.

Now let me go after the rest of that statement. He asks where everyone was. Does he not know? I wasn't around, but I can tell him. They were there. They were right there. They offered all of their support. They offered all of their love. They offered all of their time. And Corey Haim chose drugs instead, time after time after time. It gets old after a while. It gets really old. And just because people don't come around anymore, it doesn't mean that they don't care about you any more. A lot of the time it just means that they can't take you anymore. Try coming around them when you're all cleaned up and not high on whatever it is that you prefer to get high on. They'll be there for you. They'll do more than that. They'll welcome you in and they'll ask you back. But not when you're a disaster waiting to happen. No one wants to stick around to see that.

Mr. Feldman also remarked, "In this entertainment industry, in Hollywood, we build people up as children, we put them on pedestals, and then, when we decide they're not marketable anymore, we walk away from them." While I won't disagree with the meat of that statement, I don't see anything in there about how the industry walks away from them with a bag of drugs in their hands. You know, there are plenty of child stars who did not end up as tormented adults. I haven't done a study, nor have I even attempted to count and/or quantify that statement. But since when did all of this guy's problems become everyone else's fault?

While on his self-publicity stunt via a friend's death on Larry King, Feldman, in continuing to enable the late Mr. Haim, said, "Speaking from personal experience, Feldman said that, while he got himself cleaned up after struggling with drugs, his Two Coreys counterpart had a harder time, and by the time he was ready to face life sober again, "there was no one there to pull him up." Well, that explains it. Look, if you're on drugs and you want to get off of drugs, you know who you have to have help you? No one but yourself. You have to find that thing, that reason, that drive that is only deep within you that will motivate you to do what you have to do. You can't expect other people to be there for you. You can't expect other people to help you. There are some things in this life, no matter how much we might not like it, that we have to do on our own and without any help from anyone else. Don't get me wrong. Having people support you is a huge help whenever you're trying to overcome any obstacle. But you can't make your success contingent upon who is or who isn't waiting for you at the finish line.

In closing with Larry King, Feldman said that "...funeral plans haven't been made yet but that he and Haim's family "want to plan a sizable memorial. I would like to see Hollywood pay their respects." Define "Hollywood", Corey. There will be folks there, but I don't know if "Hollywood", in its entirety, is going to show up. But even if "Hollywood" did show up, I doubt that they're going to be there in the capacity that Mr. Feldman expressed that they be, which was him saying "Hopefully he's going to be remembered as a beautiful, funny, enigmatic character who brought nothing but life and lights and entertainment and art to all of our lives." Yeah, that's not going to happen. He's going to be remembered as a good guy who couldn't pull himself away from the drugs long enough to save his own life. He'll be remembered as yet another Hollywood actor who died way too young from drugs. You can't glorify someone's life when it ends with an early death which was likely caused by drug use. You just can't.

Hopefully, this will be the last that we see of Mr. Feldman for a while. And really, it seems that all it will take for that to happen is for people that he knows to not die. Hang in there, guys! You can do it!

Sphere: Related Content

Answer the Question!

People really need some sort of a timer to determine exactly when their 15 minutes of fame are actually up. When you go over your fifteen minutes, you're not just flirting with disaster, you're courting it and fixin' to marry it. Case in point today would be Carrie Prejean.

Ms. Prejean (pronounced along the same lines as if she were a mustard in one of those commercials, "Pardon me? Do you have any Grey Prejean?") was the Miss California contestant who was "competing" in the Miss USA Pageant. I say "competing" because is it really a "competition" to walk around in high heels and a swim suit. Enjoyable to watch? Sure. Tricky as hell? I'd imagine so. But competitive? Not so much, it wouldn't seem. Anyway, she was the one who was given the question by the loathsome Perez Hilton about whether or not gay marriage should be legal in the country. (It's a ridiculous question because a) marriage is regulated at a state, not a federal, level, and b) who gives a crap what Miss California thinks about it in the first place?) Miss California famously replied with something to the effect of how she supports "opposite marriage", but not gay marriage.

While gay marriage advocates tried to vilify her for that response, they conveniently overlooked the fact that President Barry is also a fan of opposite marriage, as is Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and 36 of the 50 states in the union. But through said vilification she decided to take the road known as that of the Better Than Thou. That would have been fine if she actually had half of a brain in her head. Sadly, but not shockingly, that was not the case.

If she had realized the limits of the 15 minutes of fame, she might not have found herself in the position that she's in. Hell, if she had realized the power of money, the Internet and Donald Trump, she might not have found herself in the position that she's in. Here's the scoop: She sued the Miss California USA folks because she claimed that they fired and that constituted libel, slander and religious discrimination. They claimed that they fired her because she wouldn't do the gigs that they set up for her to do. Meanwhile, during all of this "she said-pageant people said" bickering, she played the little martyred Christian girl card and tried to trump it with the pure as the driven snow card. Whoops! Too many cards!

Mind you, Donald Trump owns the Miss USA pageant. (That's different from Miss America, for all of you pageant newbies. They're both ridiculous and exploit the dumb and beautiful, but what the hell? It's two or three hours of blondes and boobs once a year. I can live with it. I'd rather have them doing that than living in the Middle East and wearing the beekeeper's uniform.) Thus, he owns the Miss California Pageant. Somehow. (I don't get how that works exactly. I mean, if you own Oscar Mayer, it's not like you own all of the hot dog stands out there. Mmm....hot dogs.) If you're essentially going to sue Donald Trump, you'd better make damn sure your closet is skeleton free...something the former Miss California forgot to do.

Turns out that she had sent several cell phone videos of just herself to a guy who she claimed was "her boyfriend" and whom she claimed she "cared about very much". She also claimed that she was 17 at the time that she did said videos (which, by the way, at the time she was only claiming there was ONE and that it was "the biggest mistake of her life". One which, apparently, she repeated another 14-19 times as the boyfriend claims that he has at least between 15 and 20 videos of her, um, pleasuring herself.) OK, so that revelation rears it's ugly head (or maybe not so ugly, she's kinda hot) and what do you think happens to the lawsuit? Miraculously settled, that is correct!

Now, the only way that I can figure that the masturbatory cell phone sex videos (how hot) would have been detrimental to her lawsuit would be if she was claiming that that Miss California USA Pageant had painted her as something less than wholesome when, in reality, she already was something less than wholesome. (Not that less than wholesome is bad! But she was claiming that not only that it was horrific, that she, inexplicably, needed a lot of money for it.) Naturally, the terms of the settlement are confidential, but that doesn't stop a former Miss California USA from going on the talk show circuit and trying to not talk about the reason why she settled.

The problem the former Miss CA USA seems to be having is that she has spent most of her life in high heels and a swim suit and is used to just flashing her ample bosom at folks and having them drool and give her what she wants. She's not used to having to defend herself. She claims that her idol is Sarah Palin. I get that. They both have the moral aspect of their lives going on. The problem is that neither one of them has figured out how to channel that aspect without coming across as sanctimonious or, in the case of Carrie Prejean, a complete idiot.

Carrie Prejean went on Larry King (Barely A) Live the other night and seemed to think that the interview would not include questions that she COULD answer but didn't WANT to. According to the huffy folks over there at The Huffington Post, Larry King actually asked a viable and reasonable question, that being: "Why settle since you had a fight to carry on?" She responded by saying something about how the settlement was confidential and she couldn't discuss it. Larry King responded that he understood that, that he wasn't asking about the settlement and that he was asking for her reasoning as to why she settled. She refused to answer and instead fed him this line: "Larry, it's completely confidential and you're being inappropriate." Um, what now?

Inappropriate?! No, what's inappropriate, you little twit, is going around pretending to be something that you're not. Don't get me wrong. You can absolutely be an outspoken Christian with extremely high moral standards and have had a past that was less than stellar. That's fine. In fact, since the majority of us do have less than stellar pasts (good Lord, do we ever) I appreciate those that demonstrate a much cleaner path once they've dusted off the filth from the previous path. But don't act like you've never been down and dirty. (We've all zigged when we should have zagged at one point or another in our lives. That doesn't make us bad people now. OK, it does make some people absolutely hideous. But most of us? Not so much. Besides, admit it, the zagging felt great!)

But Ms. Prejean acts so offended that Larry King would ask her a perfectly legitimate question that is so not out of the bounds of the confidentiality agreement. At one point, completely bewildered by her claiming confidentiality as why she won't discuss why she settled and dropped her fight against what she claimed was religious discrimination, asks "So, the agreement discusses the motive behind why each party agreed?" (That translates loosely into: You just don't want to say that you had to settle because you didn't want your myriad of solitary sex videos to come out at a trial.")

Somewhere around this line of questioning is when she threatens to walk out of the interview. She is clearly talking to someone who is not in the camera's line of sight and they seem to be encouraging her to act as if she is going to walk out. Instead, she takes off her mike and then just sits there as if there's nothing wrong. Meanwhile, back at Camp King, he has taken a phone call from a viewer who has asked her what her advice is for gay people who do want to get married. Larry King repeatedly asks her if she can hear him and at one point he says, "Can you hear me?" and she responds, "No, Larry. I cannot hear you." Um...what? I...I think you can! By the very virtue that you just answered him, I'm pretty sure you can hear him! It's nothing short of hilarious and the entire exchange is in the video below. Behold!

She's done, isn't she? I mean, she has some book coming out (maybe it's already out, I have no idea, nor do I have any interest in looking it up at the moment) which may or may not sell. Regardless, I highly doubt that her book signings (because don't they always do book signings) are going to involve throngs of followers. It's OK for regular people to lie (for some reason), but when you're putting your own self up on a pedestal and then it comes out that you've lied and/or misrepresented yourself, that's just not OK with people. The public has a short fuse for hypocrisy. (They also have a short memory for it as well, but that's another story.) All I know is that she can't go away quick enough. She's made herself look like an idiot and she's wasted everyone's time with her self-pleasing act (pun totally intended). All I can hope for now is that the ex-boyfriend who likely sold the videos which she willingly gave him got a sizeable amount for them. That seems fair at this point, doesn't it?

Sphere: Related Content

Food: The Key to Understanding Kidnapping Rapists

To understand how CNN, the once revered, now bungling, semi-news network, found itself in the position that it is currently in (that being one of a cable news network whose participants seem to merely phone it in every day) one needs look no further than The Larry King Show. I'm all for any iconic newsman continuing to "report" the "news", but when an interviewer's questions begin to sound more like some of the blather that you'd hear coming out of Grandpa Simpson, you kind of have to wonder if someone is going to point this out to them or if they're going to just wait until the person ends up following Dan Rather out the door.

Larry King interviewed a woman named Katie Callaway Hall. Ms. Hall was the first victim of perverted rapist and child kidnapper Phillip Garrido. Basically, back in 1976, Ms. Hall gave A-Hole Garrido a ride and he, in turn, forced her to drive across statelines from California to Nevada and to a storage shed that he had set up as a sexual perversion emporium and proceeded to rape her for the next eight hours until she was rescued. A-Hole Garrido was convicted, sentenced to 50 years in one case and 5 to life in another and manged to get out of prison within 11 years. Then he proceeded to kidnap 11-year old Jaycee Dugard and hold her for 18 years and father two children with her beginning when she was 14. Oh, yeah, he's a piece of work.

So Larry King has Ms. Hall on his show. First of all, she came forward after learning that the pig who raped her and imprisoned her was the same guy who had abducted Jaycee Dugard. She wanted people to know what kind of an effing monster this guy is. And I think that's awesome that she did come forward to tell her story, especially since it's not exactly the stuff that bedtime stories are made out of. So with a story like this, you'd expect questions that went somewhere along the lines of the crime, her feelings then, her feelings now, the trial, etc. Basically, all things that are RELEVANT to the story. But Larry must have had different thoughts on that matter.

She describes how, when she decided to give Garrido a ride, she had a bunch of food in her car because she had stopped at the store and bought some things that her boyfriend had asked her to pick up. And for some inexplicable reason, Larry focuses on the food aspect! I don't know why! No one cares! And is it relevant what happened to her groceries after all of the kidnapping but before all of the raping? I don't think it is.

KING: Why did you let him in the car?

HALL: I don't know. It was the worst decision I've ever made, I think. It truly was.

KING: What happened when he got in?

HALL: When he got in, I filled his hands with a lot of food that I had in the front seat anyway -- I tried to engage him.

KING: He was holding your food?

HALL: He was. I tried to engage him in small conversation on the trip. Tried to stay on the main street....on another main street that I turned. So I took him a little further up...I just turned around the corner and pulled over, and he slammed my head into the steering wheel, and pulled out handcuffs. He took my keys out, threw them on the floor, and pulled out handcuffs, and handcuffed me, and said, 'I just want a piece of ass. If you be good, you won't get hurt.'

KING: What did he do with the food?

WTF? Are you kidding me? What did he do with the food? Who in the hell cares what he did with the food?! We have head slamming, handcuffing, key throwing and kidnapping and YOU want to know what he did with the FOOD?! WHY?!? What is wrong with you? That's not only idiotic, it's insulting. This woman is strong enough to sit there on your show and tell millions of people that she was raped and you're asking her what her rapist did with her food. What is wrong with you?

By the way, in case you were now wondering "What did he do with the food?", Ms. Hall answered (with a perplexed look on her face, as if to say "What in the hell is wrong with you?"), "He put it on the floor. I guess. I don't know." There! Put it on the floor! Thank God we know that!

That kind of journalism is just a waste of space and airtime. There's no reason for it. It's crap. If you can't think of something better to ask about than the completely irrelevant food situation, then I believe that's a pretty good indicator that your time has come to get the Hell-o Kitty outta there.

Now, I had shortened the exchange between the two for brevity here, but you can watch the interaction in the video below and see for yourself just how close we should be to planning Larry King's retirement party.

Sphere: Related Content

Michael Jackson - Still Dead

Well, so far there's been an awful lot of speculation as to what actually led to the death of Michael Jackson. And when I say 'speculation' I mean 'it was likely the prescription painkillers that he was taking for years that finally did him in, a la Elvis.'And all of that is pure extrapolation on my part, of course. (But I find it strange that a rumor such as "Jackson received an injection of Demerol before he stopped breathing" to be something that would be fabricated. That would be the thing that I would think you would want to steer clear of if it weren't true.)

Autopsy results came back today and of course they didn't show anything definitive so subsequent toxicology reports were ordered and we should have those results right about, oh, say...yeah, in about four to six weeks. Dear God.

Four to six WEEKS?! What in the hell is going to take so long?! Can't they put a rush on it or something? I'm not usually in favor of people using their social status or whatever their degree of fame may be (pop superstar, Skippy Peanut Butter commercial star, whatever) in order to get special privileges, but what say we just do it this one time in the instance of Michael Jackson's toxicology reports so that we don't have to be subjected to FOUR TO SIX WEEKS of endless blather on cable TV from the clueless (but hot) news chicks. It would definitely test our strength as a nation, that's for sure. (Seriously. I watched Larry King for the second night in a row. Tonight his guests were Miko Brando, Liza Minnelli and Usher (together in Europe for the first (and hopefully last) time!), Deepak Chopra and Mark Geragos. Talk about your celebrity salad!)

The general theme of the evening (other than that Larry King always seems like he isn't listening to any of the answers to the softball questions that he lobs at guests) attempted to center around whether or not Michael Jackson had an issue with painkillers. And by "an issue" I mean "was pretty much high 24/7 since his hair caught on fire in that Pepsi commercial fiasco back in 1984". Wait. What now? 1984? That was 25 YEARS ago? Huh. I would have thought I would have gotten more during that time. 25 years seems like plenty. What have I been doing anyway? Oh, sorry. I digress. Michael Jackson's dead!

Liza Minnelli started out by saying that when the toxicology reports come back that "all hell will break loose". Meaning that she has known that he's been a walking pharmaceutical time bomb for years. (I'll go on record right now and surmise that those reports will show that there were no less than four different drugs that had been coursing through his veins right up until the unfortunate incident known as his death.) But by the end of the show she was practically berating Larry for talking about it at all. Usher uttered a similar sentiment, saying something to the effect of "It's unfortunate that on the eve of his death we're here talking about addictions." Why, yes! YES you are! Why do you think that is, Usher? Could it possibly be that (shakes Magic 8 Ball) "All signs point to YES" that his addiction to prescription drugs killed him? (Man, if everyone enabled him the way that comment from Usher enabled/justified/ignored a main aspect of this story, then it's no wonder that he was able to keep himself nice and high for 25 years.)

And I didn't expect TONS of new information to come out yesterday. It hadn't even been 48 hours. But I was kind of hoping that some of my general questions about his life could be answered through the various news outlets talking with...well...with anyone who had the ability to speak. They didn't seem to be all that discriminate about their interview subjects. But none of them told me stuff I kind of wanted to know. Things like:

What branch of the military did he actually serve in? Clearly from the uniforms he always wore, he was some sort of a really sparkly Admiral or something, but it's hard to tell. Upon further reflection of this topic, I'd also like to know if some of those jackets were borrowed from Captain Crunch. They seem to have a similar style to them.

And what is up with that Say Say Say video he did with Paul McCartney? I would really love it if some historian could explain why it was that when music videos were first being made it didn't matter what the video was about and artists could make up any little three or four minute skit about anything and act that out to their song and voila! They made absolutely no sense at all. You know how if you're watching a movie on TV at home and when the credits roll at the end they cut to a half screen and lower the volume of that credit music and start showing a commercial for something else? You can still hear the credit music and you're not paying attention to the credits (because who does when they're at home) and you're watching the commercial instead? That music doesn't match that Tide commercial! It's the same with 80s music videos. Only without the Tide. Usually.

When I saw that video yesterday, I found it odd that in a couple of the 'scenes' it appeared as if Michael Jackson was sort of trying out his Thriller look. He looks SO out of place and you wonder if someone spliced the film and just grabbed the wrong strand there or what. But it's very Thriller-esque. And SO odd.

What'd I tell you? Verrrrrrrrrrry similar.

As far as the theme for that particular video goes, I guess Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson were these two snake oil salesmen turned miscreant vaudevillian performers who ended up on the run and trying to escape from...people? WTH? Who was it they were running from again? Oh, that's right! Probably all of the creditors and one legged ex-wives right? I thought so! It's very strange.

And I'd really like to know what it is about what would seem to have been his fondness for much older "servants" and "artificial companionship". He had several full-sized, wax statues of people throughout his Neverland mansion. Some are very real looking and not creepy at all. Others would be the opposite of "not creepy at all." You decide. Behold!

See what I mean? Is that Agatha Christie? She looks very pleasant and all, but why is she there? I'm assuming just so he could feel like there were people around him. And really, if you're Michael Jackson, people made out of wax could end up being the best friends you could ever have or even worse, ever hope for. And why is his chauffeur giving him his glitter glove on a tray? Does he need the glitter glove to sit in the back of his limo? How come it's on one of those trays that they serve food on in cartoons? It's not a sparkly snack is it?

You can click on the photo below and it should make it larger. She seems like a kindly old white woman servant with a lovely tatted lace hair/hat piece there. I don't know why the auction folks put her next to a grand piano. Maybe she was there to dust the keys.

And I also really appreciate his sense of humor with this lady/fellow below. It kind of reminds me of the crazy aunt that snuck out of the attic to steal teabags from the kitchen.

But the question that I really want to know the answer to is Who the heck is Greg?

It seems that over there at Julien's Auctions they're having a little auction consisting of 928 celebrity items, less than twenty of which were Michael Jackson's. Item Number 324 is described as "MICHAEL JACKSON HANDWRITTEN LETTER", the description of which reads "A single sheet of paper from the Pan Am in-flight duty free shop with a note written with black ink in the hand of Michael Jackson on verso, reading in full [sic]:

'Greg thanks for a magic moment in my life, I hope it was the same for you, please come to visit me at Neverland. Lets hope this is the beginning of a long friendship and never lose your boyish spirit its imortal. Love always M. Jackson.'

8 1/2 by 11 inches PROVENANCE The Collection of David Gest.

Behold!

Seriously. Greg who? Louganis? Brady? That's all I've got. Actually, on second thought, maybe I don't want to know. That whole "magic moment" sentiment there kind of oog-ed me out, you know what I mean? Perhaps it's better if I just forget about it and not wonder who Magic Moment Greg is. Perhaps somethings are better left unsaid or unknown? Sure. That's it.

Who am I kidding? WHO THE HECK IS GREG??

Sphere: Related Content