Don't Name Your Kid That!

I'm very happy for the folks in Egypt that their revolution was successful in getting their dictator to step down. Congratulations! Go out and celebrate, Egyptians! But don't get all carried away and start naming your newborn children wacky names after social networking sites may have played a pivotal role in all of the revolutionizing, OK? Dude that named his daughter Facebook, I'm talking to you.

That's right. According to the Daily Mail, some Egyptian man named his new daughter Facebook. Her full name is Facebook Jamal Ibrahim. Yeah, that's pretty. Um, but seriously now. Facebook? That's not a name! That's a thing! And even if it was going to be a person's name (and it is not), it certainly wouldn't be a little girl's name. That's an asinine boy's name if I've ever heard of one.

But apparently the thinking of the little girl's father was not along the same lines as my own thinking. Shocking, I know. See, "He is said to have called her Facebook because he was so happy with the role played by the site in organising protests in Tahrir Square and other cities throughout Egypt." OK, then. Couldn't he have commemorated the events by naming her Tahrir? That's kind of a cool name, actually. I wouldn't mind being named Tahrir and then being able to tell people about why I was named that. I would absolutely mind being named Facebook and then having everyone look at me funny when they first heard my name. Hey, wait a minute! Why is the father the only one who I am hearing about being the one to name her? Wasn't there a woman attached to the uterus that this child popped out of? Doesn't she have a say in any of this? What's that? Oh. Right. They're not quite like that. Dictator or not. Bummer. Sorry, little Facebook.

But I guess it could have been worse. She could have ended up being Facebook Twitter Yahoo! News Ibrahim.

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Reasons To Wear A Helmet When Protesting

If you're going to riot and try to overthrow a government, you'd better be prepared. Sure, you get there with a full head of steam and that's a good start. But you've really got to bring your A-game. Er, your A-riot. You also have to bring your rioting stuff. Aka, your gear or your equipment. From what I can tell, over there in Egypt, that would amount to a lot of rocks. After you have your gear, there's a procedure that you must follow. You're going to take your rocks and you're going to throw them. Got it? Good. Now, while you're throwing said rocks amongst the unsaid chaos that is erupting, your goal will be two-fold. Fold One: Try to get your rock to hit whatever the target that you have determined is. Fold Two: Try not to get hit with rocks from other people on the opposing side who are doing the same thing that you're doing, only in reverse. And in order to best accomplish Fold Two, you're going to need a helmet. Good luck finding a real helmet in Egypt. It's not like they sell them at the Camel Feed n' Fuel. You're going to have to improvise. And it just so happens that I found some pictures over there at LIFE that will give you some good idea for said improvisation. It will also give you some ideas of what not do to. Let's begin.

This man has put a large mushroom on his head. That is not going to work at all. On top of that, he looks ridiculous. No one can take a rioter seriously if they look like a moron. I don't even know what he thinks that is going to do for his dome. It's not going to do much, I'll tell you that right now. Is it an Egyptian sombrero? I don't think anyone really knows. Cool shades, though. Those will help. Or not.

This nitwit with the traffic cone on his melon isn't going to fare much better. I will concede that it is better than nothing. But wouldn't you think that wearing a bright orange cone on your head is kind of just asking to be made into a target? If you have to aim for something, aim for the cone. Not a good idea if you're really trying to avoid cranial damage.

Next up, the sauce pot. "Hey, Jim! How big is your head?" "I'm not sure." "Well, do you think you could fit it into a six-quart pot?" "I don't know. Do you have an eight-quart pot?" "I do, but I think that will be too big." "Don't worry. I'll shove some cloth napkins in it so it will fit snugly and then I'll tie it to my melon with a necktie." "Oh, OK. I'm glad you've give this some thought. I'm going to wear the colander." "OK. Now let's get ready to rumble!" (By the way, if anyone can tell me what he has written on his pot, I would be very appreciative. And all of you yay-hoos who are going to tell me it says something like "Bring to a boil before adding pasta" can just save it!)
There might not be a more versatile item than the plastic milk crate. It is milk crates that allowed me to decorate my first few abodes in the style of "Early Dorm Room". They made for great bookshelves and they helped support the planks of wood that would serve as the TV stand. And not only can they be furniture, they can also be protective headwear. Who knew? (And while I also used cinder blocks in place of the milk crates from time to time, they would not have been near as effective as a helmet as the milk crates appear to be.)

The protester below is on the right track with his or her impromptu helmet-izing. The mesh metal front seems like an excellent idea to protect your fact. Whatever there is on the top, however, does not seem adequate at all. It looks to be like a dishtowel and a piece of cardboard. Well, that's not going to do much when a rock lands on you. Nope. Not much at all. But if you're getting rocks thrown directly at you, this seems like it might be of some use. It also has a sort of medieval look to it that I really enjoy.

This person is a moron. What does he think that little piece of cardboard is going to do? Keep the sun out of his eyes? Maybe he has already been hit in the head and that is why he thinks that what he is doing will effectively protect his noggin. News flash: It won't. He'll be knocked unconscious by the first piece of rugged concrete to rain down upon him. He really needs to hook up with milk crate guy or sauce pot head.

This guy isn't going to get much more protection than the corrugated warrior seen above. He appears to have stolen the lid from Oscar the Grouch's trash can and is using it as protection. I fear for him and his cranium. I hope his hand-eye coordination is good. He's going to need it.

At least those guys are trying to protect themselves. Because you know what happens when you don't try to protect yourself and you go wading right out into the middle of a protest? You end up like this guy:

Yipes. That's all for today, kids! And remember, wear a helmet!

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Egyptian Protest Signage Glory

My love of protest signs is not limited to just those nutty ones here in the United States. No, I'm all for a good protest sign no matter where it is. And in Egypt, where they are actually having a protest that means something (as opposed to the "protests" that we see in the US where a bunch of people shout non-sensicals at each other for a few hours and then go home to watch American Idol), there are some great signs. The best part (well, for me) is that the majority of the signs appear to be written in English. I can't quite narrow it down to whether that is because not a lot of the Egyptians can read/write Arabic or because they want the rest of the world to know what they're saying. Whatever it is, I appreciate all of the English over there in spite of all of the turmoil. Let's take a look at some of them. Please note that some of these guys really seemed to put some time and effort into their signage. Unlike the yo-yos over here who protest the "public option" in the health care bill by sporting a sign announcing their disapproval of the "pubic option". Yeah, that doesn't help anyone, really.

The one below is interesting to me. On the one hand, the woman protesting does not like Murbarak and wants him out. On the other hand, the woman protesting is still wearing the full beekeeper's uniform. What's up with that? You'd think that she'd be done with that sort of oppression as well. But nope! She's not. Good for her for getting out there, though. I know that I should just be happy that she's at least doing that, but it's hard to be happy for anyone when they're in the full beekeeper's outfit. She might not end up with an repressed country (albeit, that is unlikely), but she'll still be repressed in her own home. I find that sad. And annoying.

I like this guy's sign. It's on a peaceful mauve-ish background and he looks just as peaceful. He spells out his disgruntled-ness very clearly and backs it up with numbers. It's nice. I enjoy a bit of forethought in a sign.

I'm also a big fan of a simple message. The one below doesn't get any simpler. Two words. Beautifully said. (Do you think that Murbarak has ever played a video game? For some reason, I don't think that he has. Regardless, it's not like the message won't translate because it does. It says "Get out" very clearly.) No sense in mincing words when you've got a revolution on your hands.

And I like a simple message. Like this next one. Even though he seemingly spelled 'Murbarak' wrong, I'm going to give him a pass. After all, the turmoil over there is insane. He might have been in a hurry or something. But unlike 'public option' as opposed to 'pubic option', we all still know what he means.

I had noticed that Mubarak has a rather cartoonish look to him. Fortunately, this observation was not solely wasted on just me. Other people have apparently noticed it as well. The guy below Incorporated it into his simple, but most excellent sign.

I have no idea what so ever what the sign below is supposed to mean. That's the cow from the little delicious cheeses, isn't it? The Laughing Cow? Why is he on a Murbarak protest sign? Is there a Mubarak-cheese correlation? Mubarak and cows? They want cheese, but Murbarak does not? The cows he lets them have don't make cheese? OK, I'm totally surmising all of these points. I have no clue as to what that's about. I also don't know why that guy's head is so big, either. Seriously, it's gigantic. Maybe after all of the protesting, he can go and have that looked at. He's going to topple over one of these days from the weight of his enormous dome.

There are also a lot of really small signs. And since I doubt that the signs themselves do any good, I guess a small sign is better than no sign at all, right? Maybe? I think that was rhetorical. Let's look at some small signs like this one:

Or this one:

Or even this one:

All rather small. All with a common theme. That is, all want Mubarak to get out. And why? I think this guy below sums it up fairly well. (And we all get to forgive his misspelling of 'criminal' as he seems to have taken quite the blow to the noggin there. If you're bleeding from your head, you can spell stuff anyway that you'd like, OK? OK.)

And hey! Look! At Hitler reference! I thought we were the only ones who made such ridiculous comparisons! I guess not. I guess that no matter where you are or what you're protesting, a protest just isn't a protest without a Hitler comparison! Behold!

Hmm. Who does he look like in that picture? Someone. Alec Baldwin? No. No, that's not it. He looks like someone. (Someone else, you smart alec!) If you figure out who he looks like, please let me know. In the meantime, I'd like to have the guy with the sign below be the one who sums up why all of the uprising is going on. He's there and I'm not and I think that he says it a lot clearer and a lot simpler than the majority of analysts and pundits are trying to.

Yep. People really hate you. Now what say you just step down and hop on your jet and live out the rest of your years in ill-begotten luxury somewhere else, all right? OK, thanks. Bye.

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Riot Like An Egyptian

Well. It's going DOWN in Egypt. The proverbial poo has hit the proverbial fan and it is chaos over yonder in Cairo. And while I don't want to oversimplify the whole ordeal, I do want to point a couple of things out.

First, I'm not pro-dictatorship. Dictators are really bossy. I don't like it when someone thinks that they're the boss of me, so I have to imagine that the Egyptians aren't all that keen on it either. But we're talking about one of the Sand Lands. So, you know what could be the alternative to the current government? That's right. A government that is based on Islamic Fundamentalism. That would not be good for our relations with Egypt. It certainly wouldn't bode well for Israel. They're already worried that Iran is going to get all froggy and do something. I can't imagine that they'd be real thrilled about having to watch their backs for the same sort of behavior from the Egyptians. Just remember, different doesn't always mean better. While getting rid of a dictator sounds like a good idea, it's not like they're going to end up with a democracy that is identical to that of the United States'.

That brings me to my second point. If you think that this is going to happen overnight, you're wrong. Please remember that after the uprising in Tunisia, they had three different presidents in ONE DAY! (Imagine their State of the Union addresses! "Are you better off than you were at lunchtime?") Even if the current government is overthrown, it will likely be YEARS before there is anything overly functional over there. Again, it certainly isn't going to end up looking like the United States. I totally get that all of those folks who think that the United States is so freaking great could not possibly understand why other countries would not want to mold their government in an exact mirror image of what we have going on over here. I get that. I just don't know how to explain to them that it's not true. A lot of those Sand Lands are ruled by religion (and not always in a good way). Have we learned nothing from what went down in Iraq? Apparently not. Morons.

And finally, while I'm all in favor of a nice revolution, you know what I'm not in favor of? I'm not so much in favor of the asshats that look at a time of political unrest as a justification to start looting stuff. People who are out there stealing stuff don't seem to have as much of an interest in overthrowing the government as much as they do getting a new TV for free. Same goes with looting the museums and ripping the heads off of the mummies. No one wants to see that and it perplexes me as to why someone would do that. The merchants of Egypt have little to do with the dictatorship. And I'm pretty sure that the mummies are completely blameless. So stop breaking their windows and stealing their stuff. And leave the dead guy's dome in tact, would you? You folks want to rain down your disgruntledness (it's a word) on the palaces and things like that? Have at it. Burn them to the ground if you want to (just don't tell anyone that I said it was OK). But try and stay focused, rebels. You've got a job to do. You can't carry out a thorough and effective ousting if you're running through the streets of Cairo with a flat screen TV that you just swiped from the Kwik-E-Mart. Focus, people. Focus!

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We're One of the Largest WHAT Kind of Countries?!

You know, I don't really know who I'm standing up for here or who I'm defending here. I think that it must just be the truth. Because in the case here, what you're going to hear from other sources is likely going to be wrong, but even the correct version isn't exactly accurate. See why I'm confused? Let's begin.

President Barry felt the need to go over to Egypt and make a speech. Something about bringing the regular world closer to the Muslim world. I'm assuming he means the non-violent Muslim world, because the violent Muslim world, well, there's just no reasoning with those folks. They think that they need to be all bomb-y and kill-y in the name of something for someone. (Or the other way around. I always get confused with my extremist groups, how they like things phrased.) But see, the non-violent Muslim world, I don't think much of the rest of the world has a problem with those folks. I don't. Again, it's the bomb-y and the kill-y ones that I have a problem with.

So he's speech making in Egypt. Yay, President Barry. Or something like that. And during his speech he made an interesting assertion. That assertion being, "One of the points I want to make is, is that if you actually took the number of Muslim Americans, we'd be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world." Um, what?

Yeah. That's what he said. Now, you're going to hear it misquoted from a variety of sources. You're going to hear that he said that the US IS one of the largest Muslim countries in the world. You're going to hear that the US is THE largest Muslim country in the world. And you're going to hear that President Barry wants us to BE the largest Muslim country in the world. All false. All of them.

But back to what he actually said. It's an odd statement in and of itself. "IF you ACTUALLY took the number of Muslim Americans." IF? ACTUALLY? If I actually did that? Well, first of all, why wouldn't I and second of all, why I haven't I been? What in the world is that supposed to mean?

Regardless, it's misleading at best. See, technically, there are 195 countries in the world. I say technically because you can get differing answers on why there isn't only 194 or 19. Answers and reasons which I just can't see getting into right now unless my goal is to bore you half to death. And rest assured, that is NOT my goal. (Hard to tell with some posts, I realize, but I swear, not my goal.) So in order to technically qualify as "one of the largest Muslim countries in the world" all you really need to do is break into the top 97 1/2 countries and you can say that you're "one of the largest" in the world.

Well, if you come in at 97 1/2 (quite the feat considering we're talking about countries, I realize), sure, you're "one of the largest", but you're not larger than the other 96 1/2 ahead of you. (And 96 or 97 of something, when you only have 195 of that thing, that's a lot of that thing!) And that's sort of how the United States stacks up in terms of where it stands as a "Muslim country".

See, I think of a "Muslim country" as one that is just chock full o'Muslims and runs on Muslim. I don't think of the United States as a "Muslim country", regardless as to how many Muslims are living here, mainly because we don't run on Muslim. But even if I wanted to think of the US as a "Muslim country" I'd have to think again because the United States comes in 52nd in terms of the sheer number of Muslims in a particular country and it doesn't even rank in the top 60 in terms of the percentage of Muslim population to the entire population. That all according to Wikipedia. Again, remember that anyone can edit Wikipedia, so you've kinda gotta take it for what it's worth there, but it seems rather inclusive.

The United States, in terms of number of Muslims in the general population, comes in as one of "the largest Muslim countries in the world" at number FIFTY TWO and ranks ahead of only Albania, Malawi (Madonna's foreign nation of choice for adopting children from), Kenya, Eritrea, Serbia and Montenegro (for some reason, those two are grouped together. Not sure why, but feel free to delve on your own!), Lebanon, Kuwait, and the United Arab Emirates in the top 60.

But ranking ahead of the United States in terms of number of Muslims within a country? Well, that would be, starting at the top, Indonesia, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Turkey, Egypt, Nigeria, Iran, Algeria, Morocco, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Ethiopia, Russia, Yemen, China, Syria, Malaysia, Tanzania, Mali, Niger, Senegal, Tunisia, Somalia, Guinea, Azerbaijan, Burkina Faso, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Côte d'Ivoire (which is the Ivory Coast. Since when did the Ivory Coast get all fancy on us and start going by Côte d'Ivoire?!), Congo (Kinshasa), Libya, Jordan, Chad, Turkmenistan, Philippines, France, Kyrgyzstan, Uganda, Mozambique, Sierra Leone, Ghana, Cameroon, Thailand, Mauritania, Germany, and Oman. Holy. Crap.

First of all, I'm not totally sure that all of those are real places. I haven't even heard of some of them and I'm fairly well versed on which nations are on this planet. But not well versed enough, apparently. I know at least one of those places is where Borat is from. Other than that, after about the first twenty I don't know a whole lot about most of them with the exception of France and Germany. Wow. France and Germany, really? Check yourselves. That's all I can say. I'm also thinking about the overall well being of those countries and again after the first twenty and with the two exceptions, I can't really say that it's all that great. Coincidence? I don't think that one really has anything to do with the other, I'm just throwing that out there, hoping to incite some sort of online hooplah or something. But seriously, why not more prosperity in countries with largely Muslim populations? It's a legitimate question.

The United States does not even rank at ALL in the top 60 nations when counting the percentage of Muslim citizens. The top 60, in order are: Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Somalia, Maldives, Turkey, Western Sahara, Iran, Algeria, Mauritania, Yemen, Tunisia, Oman, Comoros, Djibouti, Morocco, Pakistan, Libya, Iraq, Tajikistan, Jordan, Qatar, Senegal, Azerbaijan, Bahrain, Egypt, Mali, Niger, Gambia, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Indonesia, Bangladesh, Syria, Guinea, Kuwait, West Bank and Gaza, Kyrgyzstan, United Arab Emirates, Albania, Brunei, Sudan, Malaysia, Sierra Leone, Lebanon, Burkina Faso, Chad, Nigeria, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Bosnia, Côte d'Ivoire, Guinea-Bissau, Tanzania, Macedonia, Suriname, Serbia and Montenegro, Mozambique, Cameroon, and Malawi. The United States, with 2,350,000 Muslims (again, according to Wikipedia), would fall somewhere between 61st and 70th by my estimations.

So what's the actual percentage of Muslims in the United States. With a population of 304,059,724 and a Muslim population of 2,350,000 the percentage works out to be 0.00772874476. That's about 0.7 of 1 percent. And yet President Barry is proclaiming the United States to be one of the "largest Muslim countries in the world." What is up with that?

I don't know. I really don't. I'm really not one for a bunch of ass kissing or playing numbers games. One of my favorite parts of President Barry's inauguration speech is when he said "We will no longer apologize for our way of life." Finally! So now we're not apologizing, we're manipulating the numbers to make it look like we don't have anything to apologize for? (And we don't, but I'm just saying.) Look, we can be a perfectly good country with perfectly good people inhabiting it and still NOT be a Muslim country! And we ARE! We can respect other countries and other religions without being a Muslim country! And we DO! So President Barry, with all respect sir, please just let us stand on our own merits for what we are and please stop trying to make us sound as if we're something we're not so that radical extremists will like us. Because those folks will never like us, no matter what. So why bother trying to make a mold for us to fit into that you think they'd be more willing to accept?

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Please Think Twice Before Using That Knife

You know how when little kids don't get their way they'll throw a tantrum or hold their breath? All in the hopes that you'll change your mind or that they'll get their way somehow? It never works. (At least, it should never work!) But they'll keep doing it until they figure out that a) throwing a tantrum does not get you what you want, and/or b) you can only hold your breath for just so long before you either give up or pass out. But until they figure out that these tactics of theirs are not going to work, there's really no harm done. Even the holding the breath thing doesn't hurt them. Eventually, they'll breathe! It's how it works. It's a marvelous system that way, the respiratory system is.

But there are some tantrums that COULD be harmful. Such as the 'tantrum' that a 25-year old labor worker in Egypt threw after being denied permission to marry the girl of his choice (instead of having his marriage arranged for him to someone that he possibly didn't know and likely didn't love). When this guy threw a tantrum, he did it by way of lopping off his manhood with a hot knife. Ay, Cairo-umba!

Correct. According to metronews.ca up there in Edmonton in America's Hat, the man "...cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family." Now that's some spite! Holy crap! Every time I hear one of these 'missing manhood' stories, I always cringe even though I don't even have one! But doing to to yourself?! Zoiks!

This man (and I use that term loosely at this point as he was taken to a hospital but "...doctors were unable to reattach the severed member") is not going to be happy with himself when he realizes what he has done. Or undone. Whichever. Bottom line is the guy has no one thing. He has nothing.

It would seem that the man (again, used loosely) had been trying to marry this girl that he loved for the past two years, but his father wouldn't have it. I guess you can only be denied permission to marry the person that you love for just so long before you start mutilating your reproductive organs, eh? (I am SO praying that this sort of behavior doesn't catch on here in California after the courts upheld the ban on gay marriage. This state has enough problems without a bunch of guys hacking off their units. I mean, holy cow, could you imagine? Say, in San Francisco? If that were to occur, they'd be assemble to assemble a choral unit that could rival the Vienna Boys Choir!) Personally, before I took a knife to my nether regions, it would be a hell of a lot longer than two years, that much I do know!

The article says that he "heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ." Well, that's something you're not going to be able to reproduce, that's for sure! Interesting that he heated it up first. I don't know what their living quarters situation is there in Egypt, so I don't know what options the lad had. I don't know if it was possible for him to keep a blow torch in his room where he could heat up the improvisational scalpel in private or if he had to venture into the family living areas and heat his knife over a fire pit in the commons area or what. That could have been awkward though. ("Whatcha doin' with that big knife in the fire pit there, son?" "He won't talk to you, Dad. He's holding his breath again." "Does this have something to do with my not letting you marry Jeannie?" "Dad, it's not Jeannie. Jeannie isn't even Egyptian." "But she has the little hat!" "I know. But she's white and it's called a fez, Dad. It doesn't mean she's Egyptian.")

This is where all of the trouble came from: The guy was "...from a prominent family in the southern Egyptian province of Qena, one of Egypt's poorest and most conservative areas that is also home to the famed ancient Egyptian ruins of Luxor." Again, why we need to know which Egyptian ruins are in his neighborhood is beyond me. But now we know. And the reason it was a problem for him, a prominent fellow, to be carnally mixing with a commoner is that "Traditionally, marriages in these conservative part of southern Egypt are between similar social classes and often within the same extended families - and are rarely for love." Aww.

While I can understand his frustration, I still think he was being a bit drastic in the schlong severing. Perhaps he was seeing it as a noble deed, but I don't know that many others are going to see it quite that way. And really, even if the object of his affection did see it as noble, would she even want to marry him after an incident like that? Pretty much, he's proven himself to be a tad bit on the unstable side, not to mention a large bit on the don't-have-a-penis-anymore side. Crazy is not a character trait that many women look for in a potential mate. I'm just saying.

Maybe he hoped it would cure his lustful desires for the girl. I don't think it works that way, though. Oh, sure, I would have thought it worked that way earlier in my life. But somehow, I've come to realize that it's not just about all of the fornicating, enjoyable as it is! His loins might not be burning with love anymore (they'll be burning with antiseptic for a while, though), but his head will still be in love with her. And unless he wants to cut that off as well, he's still going to feel the same way. Only this time, he'll feel that way without a penis.

Huh. Yeah, there really was no way to spin this so that it had a jovial ending. He's screwed. Not literally, of course. That's impossible at this point.

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