How NOT to Get Your Husband to Talk to You

No one likes a messy breakup. Some don't like a breakup at all. The ones who don't like it at all fall into one of two categories. The first is those who have had to break up with the other person because they ended up finding out that they were a despicable creature. Finding out things like they're cheating on you, they gave you gonorrhea, forged your checks and other similar actions are just cause to break up, even if they thought the relationship was just fine that morning. But once the burning when urinating sensation kicks in and you pretty much realize that the relationship, the one that was fine a few minutes ago, is now over, well, it really makes you want to strangle the person. For ruining your day, for ruining your relationship and for giving your gonorrhea.

But then there's the second category where you're the person being broken up with. For whatever reason (usually none of the above, but sometimes!) the other person just doesn't want to be with you. And if you still want to be with them, that's going to be a little tricky, as they don't want to be with you. Hence, all of the breaking up and stuff. Some folks try to get the other person back, to get them to change their mind. That's fine, but only if you go about it in a way that would make the other person WANT to be with you. Trying to get the other person back that only reminds them of why they broke up with you is not helpful to your cause. Things like handcuffing yourself to your estranged beloved and then biting him as he's on the phone with the 911 dispatcher will not cause him to be penning nuptials anytime soon.

A one Helen Sun, a 37-year old woman with questionable mental stability, was arrested on Monday in Connecticut after behaving in a similar fashion. Sun claims that she just "wanted to have a conversation with Robert Drawbaugh without him leaving", according to a story in the AP. I guess the phone wasn't an option. So she did the next best thing by changing the locks on their bedroom door and then handcuffing herself to him while he slept. Well, SHE thought it was the next best thing. I'm not so sure that HE did.


He managed to get to his cell phone to call 911 and tell the dispatcher that "he woke up handcuffed, was still bound to his wife and was holding her down." When the dispatchers asked why his wife was attacking him, rather than shouting the most obvious, "Because she's crazy! Send help!" he instead replied it was because he divorced her and (this will come as a shock) that "she has a history of violence." Really?! Did not see that coming.

According to the story in the AP, "Dispatchers heard Drawbaugh scream in agony, apparently as his wife bit him. "Ohttp://www!" Drawbaugh shouted repeatedly. 'Are they almost here? Oh God. I need help!" " Now, I do not know why his screams of agony start off with a URL. Maybe he's some sort of a programmer, I don't know, the story didn't elaborate. But I found it odd, as I really don't know what that part of a URL sounds like.

The cops finally arrived and broke in through the front door, as she had locked it and he was unable to get up and let them in. You know, because he was handcuffed to this lunatic and she was biting him. All so that she could talk without him leaving. I don't know how she was going to get a word out with her mouth all full of forearm like that. Perhaps she didn't think this plan through enough. You think?

She was charged with 3rd degree assault, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment and unlawful restraint. She's still being held in jail from what I could tell and I'm sure that's just fine with Mr. Drawbaugh, especially since he told the cops that Ms. Sun "...is obsessive and a danger to him and his friends and family....and that she hired private investigators to follow him." I'm thinking she would have been wise to stay with the PIs instead of getting all bite-y with him. According to a one Chris Liddy from the Fairfield Police Department, "I can't say I've ever seen a scenario quite like this." No, I can't imagine that you had.

But I haven't even told you the most amazing part of this little tale. Seriously, it is the part of the story that will just blow your mind. You might have thought it was crazy up to this point, but it's about to become just a little bit less sane than it already is. Here we go: "...the couple had been married about eight years." Are you effing kidding me?! EIGHT years?! He put up with this maniac for EIGHT YEARS?! Eight MINUTES would have been longer than I would have lasted, but eight YEARS?! How is that possible?! Had he not met her before that day? I find that fascinating! And of course, the AP has no details on that phenomenon. Shocking, I know. Modern media. All inclusive in their reporting. Or was that supposed to be 'all or nothing in their reporting'? One of those. Thanks, AP.

The article concludes with the statement: "The status of their divorce is unclear." The status of their divorce may be unclear, but I have a pretty good guess as to what the status of their marriage is at this point. Not good. It seems to be not good at all.

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Dictators, Potato Salad and Suri Cruise

Once again, Parade magazine, that little insert in the Sunday paper that gives us recipes for potato salad and other picnic fare, along with helpful tips on how to keep our pets healthy, useful suggestions for where to vacation with your family and what Suri Cruise is up to, has come out with its list of the Top Ten Worst Dictators in the world. An odd departure from "5 Tips For A Sodium Free Meal" indeed.

I suppose it's good to know these things, if for no other reason than simply from a humanitarian standpoint (or in case you end up as a Jeopardy! contestant). But is Parade magazine really qualified for this? Some of Parade's "sister sites" are Allure, Architectural Digest, Golf for Women, Glamour, Vogue, Wired.com, GQ, Conde' Naste Traveler and Brides.com just to name a few. Very rarely do I ever associate the world's worst dictators with any of those publications either. (Well, maybe Vogue. They're awfully haughty over there.) Architectural Digest? How would that article read? ("Here you can see the appealing structure that the flying buttresses give to this room. What's not appealing is how Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe treats the citizens of his country." Or "As Annika Sorenstam gets ready to tee off from the 14th, she's focusing on the direction of the wind and trying to decide which is the appropriate club to use. What's not appropriate is the dictatorship of Kim Jung-iL over there in North Korea." You almost never read stuff like that. Rarely, in fact.) Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the information, I just find the source rather amusing.

Just to elaborate on how odd I find Parade magazine's annual list of dictators, here is a sampling of some other features in the very same issue of Parade that contains all of the dictating:

• Quirkiest Celebrity Baby Names (Could grow up to have quirkiest worst dictator name!)
• Top 5 Jobs, No Bachelor's Degree Required (Perhaps 'dictator' is one of them!)
• Take Control of Your Appetite! (Then take control of your country as one of the worst dictators!)

On to the list! From...Parade magazine, correct. Hoo-boy. OK...

First, a big hearty congratulations to Pervez Musharraf and Islam Karimov for dropping out of the Top Ten this year! Nice job, fellas! Musharraf went from 8th in 2008 to not even ranking in the Top 20 this year! Quite an improvement! Now, granted he did resign as President of Pakistan in August of 2008, so it's a little hard to make the Top Ten when you're not even in charge of anything. But the new guy isn't in the Top Ten, so I'm looking at that as progress! And Karimov went from 9th in 2008 to 11th in 2009 and he is still in charge! It's only two spots, but it took him out of the Top Ten and that's important! The less dictator-y one is, the better.

Those two have their spots in the Top Ten replaced by newcomers Muammar al-Qaddafi and Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov. (Good Lord, sir. As a dictator, can't you demand that you shorten that name or else? Who names a baby Gurbanguly?) Mr. Qaddafi is the infamous leader of Libya, a country which became a household name when Christopher Lloyd shouted, "The Libyans!" to Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future in 1985. (It was his density.) Well, he's back in the Top Ten at Number 10 and looking strong. Old, but strong. As far as G.B. over there, he runs something called Turkmenistan which used to be part of the Soviet Union until 1991. He's only been in power for a couple of years, so to be named ninth out of the Top Ten in such a short period of time is quite an achievement. Yep, he's going to be quite the A-hole if he keeps this up.

In 8th place up from 10th last year is Isayas Afewerki of Eritrea. Eritrea was part of Ethiopia right up until it wasn't. Seems like around 2007 is when things really started getting stirred up over there as a result of not being attached to it's former country/host. Afewerki looks like Steadman Graham (also known as Mr. Oprah). Steadman Graham looks like Eric Holder, the nominee for Attorney General. In May of 2008 Afewerki decided elections would be postponed for "three or four decades" maybe more! Apparently they "polarize society." Well, nothing like non-polarization than only having one side!

Sayyid Ali Khamenei of Iran stayed in 7th. He's pretty much into arresting those who are into any sort of civil rights AND he allows for the government execution of juveniles! Boys can be executed at 15. Girls? At nine. I don't know what to say about that. Some things are just SO wrong that you can't even fathom them enough in order to say anything. Ugh. I don't really understand the "Iran has a dictator" thing. I thought that Iran had President I'm A Dinner Jacket running the show over there. So why is this guy there? Personally, I can see no use for him. Anywhere, really.

Hu Jintao of China moved down from 6th place to 5th this year. Ah, China. Home to the 5th worst dictator in the world. Hey, I know! Let's hold the Olympics there and pretend that none of that is happening, what do you say?! Great! Now that the Olympics are over, we can go back to where we started and act as if none of that ever happened, as in 2008, the US imported $340 billion worth of stuff from China. Where does that leave us? At Square One. Correct. And welcome.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia also dropped down this year from 4th to 5th. Saudi Arabia, home of the 5th worst dictator. So here's a good idea: Let's buy all of their oil to further our dependence on it and subsequently on them as well!. Let's abhor everything their lifestyle embraces and let's send that message by buying a gazillion dollars worth of oil every freaking day. That sends a crystal clear message doesn't it? Certainly. Sends the message that they have us by the balls and will twist our proverbial scrotum at will. Ouchy. But we have oil, so yay?

Next is Myanmar. Well, now it's called Myanmar, but you may know it as Burma. To quote J. Peterman "It will always be Burma to me." A most excellent Seinfeld episode. A not so excellent country which is ruled by Than Shwe (which reminds me of Fung Shui), who has dropped down from 3rd place last year to land in 4th. To give you some idea of how this guy runs things, in May, there was a cyclone which killed 140,000-ish and left over 2 million homeless. In response to the devastation, Than Shwe/Fung Shui blocked access to the hardest hit areas because he was busy fixing and rigging an election so he could get his constitution approved. So 4th place seems about right. Definitely justified.

Kim "Platform Shoes" Jung-iL over there in North Korea has made a most impressive drop from first place last year down to 3rd. Can you imagine where he'll drop if it turns out that he's been dead for a year and all of those people that we've seen were just look-alikes? They're pretty sneaky over there. A crafty bunch. I have no reason to believe he's not dead. And at the same time, not a whole lot to go on to prove that he is dead. But I still don't trust 'em.

Omar Al-Bashir in Sudan comes in 2nd place for the 2nd year in a row. Ah, always the bridesmaid, eh, Sudan? Somewhere along the line we got used to referring to it as "The Sudan" in the same way that we got used to referring to Congo as "The Congo". Why did we start doing that? Why did we stop? Did we not want it to catch on? Were we afraid that if the "the" was attached to all countries that we'd start sounding like Miss Teen South Carolina 2008 and her declaration that we needed to help those in "The Iraq" and such as? That's a pretty good reason! We might not have to worry about him being on the list next year, as the ICC has charged him with all things dictator-ish including: “murdering, exterminating, raping, torturing, and forcibly transferring large numbers of civilians, and pillaging their property.” He's definitely list-worthy.

And Number One is a guy who climbed all the way from 6th place in 2008 clear up to 1st in 2009! It's Dictator Bob! Bob the Dictator! Bobby Rules the Land! It's Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe (oooh, that's limerick material in the making right there) who is Parade Magazine's Number One Worst Dictator in the World! Take a bow, Bobby! You've been selected for this dishonor, according to Parade Magazine, for things such as:

• An 85% unemployment rate (Egads! 85%?! Things are definitely looking up here with our 10% unemployment.),
• An inflation rate so high that they government had to issue a $50 billion note! What can you get for $50 billion in Zimbabwe? Two loaves of bread. (I am not making this up.)
• He agreed to hold an election in 2008 and would abide by the results...if he won. Guess what happened? He won! Shocking, eh?
• During that election, his supporters killed 163 people who opposed him. And then they beat and/or tortured another 5,000, just for kicks.

So there you have it. How happy are you that you don't live in any of those places? (If you do happen to live in any of those places, thanks for reading the blog! And, um, yeah....sorry about all the dictatorship going on there. That really sucks.) And how happy are you that you can live in a country where you have access to such versatile publications like that of Parade magazine which you can count on one Sunday every year to bring you tips on how to brighten your spring wardrobe right there along with the Top Ten Worst Dictators list and a recipe for a scrumptious spinach dip? Exactly. Thanks, Parade. I'll be looking forward to your Top Ten Potluck Dishes For Memorial Day issue!

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X-Fact-or Fiction?

Yep. I knew that there was something about those folks over there in England, the Chawner family who, for the past 11 years, has received benefits because they are too fat to work. That's right. Too fat to work. Fat, perhaps. Too fat to work? I don't think so. From what I can tell, these folks are scamming the system over there across the pond and people must be buying it because they've been receiving $26,000 a year for the past eleven years. I'm not buying it. Here's why:

Closer Magazine ran an article about the Chawners on March 19, 2009. That article paints a slightly different portrait of this family than an article that ran in The Telegraph on March 17, 2009. Granted, in The Telegraph article, there were definitely holes in the Chawner's story. Their claim that their enormous weight is caused by heredity, yet they eat bacon sandwiches every day for lunch. It's things like that which make me question their entire story. (It's also things like that which make me wonder where I can get a bacon sandwich. Yum. There's always room for bacon.)

The Telegraph article said that the Chawners claimed to eat cereal for breakfast, bacon for lunch and microwave meat pies and some sort of potato for dinner. That article also had Mrs. Chawner claiming that she only spent £50 a week on food (which might be true if all they bought was bacon. And there was only one of them.) The closer article makes the same claim, only it also includes that the family "spends their time watching TV and scoffing biscuits, crisps and sandwiches." (You've really gotta love a publication that isn't afraid to use the term "scoffing", don't you? That's truth in reporting right there!) The Closer also mentioned that the Chawners go through "...18 bags of crisps, 30 eggs, 12 rolls, 10 burgers, 12 crumpets, four large pies, two packets of biscuits, two packets of chocolate bars, 1kg of potatoes and a litre of wine." Ah, yes. Drown your "too fat" sorrow in that litre of wine. That'll help your diabetes, Mr. Chawner, I'm sure of it! What is wrong with people?

Speaking of Mr. Chawner, he explained how he ended up not working (he used to be a truck driver). "The diabetes was making me fall asleep at the wheel. I haven’t bothered looking for another job because driving is all I know. I’m not good at English so I couldn’t work in an office, and I’d get too tired standing in a factory." You'd get too tired? Standing?! I'm guessing that you'd probably be doing something other than just standing there, sir. See, that's the thing about dozing off. It rarely happens while you're in constant motion. And I've seen factories, mostly in cartoons, but still! Those cartoon factories have the little mice or cats or whatever they have working there always on the go! Stuff keeps coming off of that conveyor belt (candy, tires, mops, you name it) so fast that those little guys can hardly keep up! They usually end up running around quite a bit in order to prevent some sort of chaos that inevitably happens anyway. So you should really look into that factory work, as I don't think you'd be able to doze off as easily as you think.

Mrs. Chawner "...last worked in the ’80s at a horse-riding school for a few months. (Worked as what? The horse?) But she hasn’t worked since she developed epilepsy and asthma over 16 years ago, both a result of being overweight." She says, "I can’t work because I could have an epileptic fit at any time. I could work from home, putting stamps on envelopes or something, but I must admit I’ve actually never looked into it.” Yeah, why bother when the government will give you money to do absolutely nothing. Now, she can't work because she could have an "epileptic fit at any time" (a condition that, if you're prone to, can be quite frightening and extremely inconvenient), but she can go to the store to pick up that litre of wine! What if she had "an epileptic fit" whilst wine shopping? That doesn't seem to concern her as much as the working part does. Shocking, I know.

Now, if that's not enough, we can look to an article in The Times from March 22, 2009 states that "The family...spend their days in front of a TV borrowed from a friend. Said Philip Chawner: “We love TV. It’s on from the moment we get up. Often I’m so tired from watching TV that I have to have a nap.” And from Mrs. Chawner: "We all love nibbling on biscuits. I once bought some pears, but they tasted funny." Funny? Funny how? Like fruit?!

But here is where I've managed to certify these folks as freeloaders. Over there at VoteForTheWorst.com they have an article from October, 2008 which reports the Chawners were evicted from their home after "dozens of complaints about 'loud singing' keeping them (the neighbors) awake late at night." Wait. What? They were "...evicted after 130 complaints were made against them in less than a year over playing loud music, singing late at night and foul and abusive language directed towards neighbours." Um, I thought they got tired from watching TV? But wait! There's more!

In a reference to Emma, the article reads, "The 19-year-old trainee hairdresser, who famously appeared on the TV talent show wearing a wedding-style dress made by her dad..." The what made by who for what? Huh? "Emma, 19, was notoriously rejected from the X Factor last year after singing Celine Dion's Titanic 'like a baby' and wearing a 'wedding dress' handmade by her father." A 'wedding dress' made by Naps After TV guy? What? Behold!

Oh, Lord. OK, that's it! Thaaaat's it. I've had enough of these folks. They can trot around auditioning for X-Factor (which would appear to be an American Idol for England and a bunch of other countries that are not the US) and/or spend time tailoring very long dresses. They can stay up late at night singing and playing music. They can haul their stuff out of their apartment that they were evicted from because of said late night singing and music playing. But they can't work?!

England? You've been had.

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There's Fat and Then There's Lazy

Well, UK folks, you guys win this round. And while that sounds sort of like a compliment, it's more like the byproduct of the sigh of relief that I just exhaled, as I feared this story would be located in Flori-duh. But no! Blackburn, over there in Lancashire, England is the winner of this family of four! Meet the Chawners. Behold!

From left to right we have Emma, 19, her mother Audrey, 57, Audrey's husband Philip, 53, and their other daughter Samantha, 21. These folks haven't worked in eleven years. Eleven, that is correct. And due to their "hardship", they receive £22,508 a year in benefits. (That's $32,438.53 in US dollars, by the way.) And now, according to the fine folks across the pond at The Telegraph, the Chawners claim that "the money they receive is insufficient to live on." It is probably right about now that I should probably mention that they "can't work" because they're "too fat." Wait. What?

Correct. "Too fat to work." (Their words, not mine. Accurate, but their words none the less.) They're claiming that "their weight is a hereditary condition." I imagine it is. I imagine their forefathers ate too much, just like their forefathers before them, and so on. Oh, come on! Are you kidding me?! Look, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of sympathy for those with the whacked out metabolism. But these folks don't strike me as being a victim to their own heredity as much as their are a victim to their own refrigerator. Let's see what else they had to say about their situation (before we come to the same conclusion that I just did).

The Chawners "...claim to spend £50 ($72.06 USD) a week on food and consume 3,000 calories each a day." According to The Telegraph "The recommended maximum intake is 2,000 for women and 2,500 for men." So eating too much according to the guidelines, but still claim it's "heredity". Interesting claim. What else?

Mrs. Chawner explains their daily eating habits as "We have cereal for breakfast, bacon butties for lunch and microwave pies with mashed potato or chips for dinner." For those of you wondering about the "bacon butties", that's basically a bacon sandwich. Behold!

Oh, yeah. Eating (at least) one of those every day, that won't cause a problem. Nah. (That probably has nothing to do with why Philip is 336 lbs., Audrey is 336 lbs., Emma is 238 lbs. and Samantha is 252 lbs. That's 1162 lbs!) I can only assume that they're called "bacon butties" because after eating enough of them, you're going to end up with a bacon butt.

And in Mrs. Chawner's most telling and contradictory statement yet, she says, "All that healthy food, like fruit and veg, is too expensive. We're fat because it's in our genes. Our whole family is overweight." Yes, dearie, but if it was "in your genes" I don't think you'd be telling me how expensive fruits and vegetables are. Nor would you be telling me you eat a bacon butt sandwich for lunch every day. I'm having a hard time believing that they're only spending £50 ($72.06 USD) per week on food. How much is bacon?! Well, according to Bacon Today (Bacon Today? Oh, God bless the Internet!) bacon in England is $3.49/lb (£4.41/kg). Yeah, I don't think I'm buying that. Their story, not the bacon. I'd gladly buy bacon. Mmmm....bacon.

So, because they're "disabled" Mr. and Mrs. Chawner receive "£177 ($255.09 USD) in income support and incapacity benefit" each week AND Mrs. Chawner also gets another £330 ($475.60 USD) per-month as a "disability allowance for epilepsy and asthma", both of which are a result of what? Being overweight, that is correct. Mr. Chawner brings in his share of extra benefits as well. He gets £71 ($102.33 USD) a month for his Type 2 diabetes which is a result of what? Being overweight, correct again! (He "was on a waiting list for a gastric band last year, but a heart condition made the operation unsuitable." Wait a minute. They have waiting lists for the gastric band surgery in England? Why is there a waiting list? It's not like a transplant. Regardless, did the heart condition come up while he was waiting? Because you'd think that would be something his doctor (who we have heard nothing about, nor have we heard anything from) would have known about before putting him on the list.)

Daughter Samantha gets £84 ($121.06 USD) in Jobseekers' Allowance (which seems to be like the US equivalent of unemployment) each fortnight (which seems to be like the calendar equivalent of 2 weeks), and daughter Emma "...who is training to be a hairdresser, gets £58 ($83.59) every two weeks under a hardship fund for low-income students." Emma sees things like this: "I'm a student and don't have time to exercise. We all want to lose weight to stop the abuse we get in the street, but we don't know how." And again I will point out that "student" and "don't have time to exercise" are really not the same as "hereditary condition". No, they're the opposite of "hereditary condition."

And Mr. Chawner actually said the words, "What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table.(Clearly it does that!) It's not our fault we can't work. We deserve more." Um, what else do you need, sir? More? Your bills are paid. Your family has bacon sandwiches. What else is there? You've been doing this for eleven years. And I'm sure this will sound crazy, but you could always work and earn more. Just a thought! Just a crazy, crazy thought.

Actually, why? Why do you deserve more, sir? What is it that makes you so "deserving" of "more"? Why is it that you're so entitled to have "more"? I missed that part. (Is it because, judging from the pictures of you, that you only seem to have that one shirt?) But you come across as a bit ungrateful for everything that you have been given by your government which was paid for (I'm assuming) by other taxpayers who work. Don't feel like you're getting quite enough free money, do you now?

Look, I'm well aware that most of us are only a couple of Krispy Kremes away from putting on a pair of sweats and never looking back. Well aware. But the majority of people...OK, wait. Never mind, because the majority of people lately seem to vary between large and huge. So now my point is that large or not, the vast majority of folks manage to work. I have a difficult time believing that these folks are SO obese (they're large, but they seem to be mobile) that they can't work even part time. I mean, come on, they don't even have a Rascal! And I see NO oxygen tanks there! (And that's a lot more than I can say about the last time I was in a Wal-Mart. People too large to walk driving their Rascals and people too large to breathe sucking in their oxygen. With all of the buzzing and the wheezing it was like being in a senior citizen science fiction movie or something.)

I have the feeling that we're going to be hearing more about these folks in the near future. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be any sort of positive report. I'm guessing something that will clear things up as to how legitimate these folks are in regard to what The Telegraph reported.

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You Want To Be Offended, Don't You?

Am I really supposed to be upset or outraged that President Barry made an ill-advised, off the cuff remark during his chat with Jay Leno? I really hope I'm not because I don't think that I can really muster up enough outrage to be convincing and to make it worthwhile. That's because it's just another fake controversy (or fakeroversy) that's been contrived (a contrivroversy), mainly by the media (way to go, CNN), over something that I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who is actually enraged by this and not just people who think that they should be enraged. You shouldn't.

Here's the scoop: President Barry can't bowl. During the campaign he infamously bowled a whopping 37. And of course, almost a year later, the media still leaves out the part that it was not a full game!! He only bowled five or seven frames. That doesn't change the suckiness of the score, but at least it makes it sound like it's explainable. (Yeah, right. As if there is any explanation for an adult with all of his major limbs and organs in functional order who could only bowl a 37. The only explanation for that is 'you are the world's worst bowler'.) So Jay Leno was asking him if he had already ripped the bowling alley out of the White House and was surprised to hear that President Barry had not removed the bowling lanes and had been practicing to the point where he managed to bowl a 129!

That's when Jay started giving him crap about his 37 game and they were both laughing and that's when, in the midst of the laughter, President Barry said, "It was like the Special Olympics or something."

QUICK! Alert the press! Call in the media! Outrage! Bring your fake outrage! Pretend to be really angry! Offended! We need offense! Sound the alarms! Ring the sirens! Bang a drum! (Do we have drums? We do? Then bang them, for cryin' out loud! Didn't you hear what he just said?!?! At least, that's how I picture things right before a media frenzy begins.

OK, look, was it a bonehead thing to say? Sure. Should he have said it? Of course not. Do I think that because he said that it means that President Barry hates disabled people? No. Do I think he said that out of malice? No. Do I think that he has anything at all against anyone because of their disability? No. Of course not. And anyone who does needs to have their soft, soft head that is made out of cheese examined.

Now there's the "outcry" by those claiming to be "offended". To my knowledge, none of those who are "crying out" are either a) Special Olympians or b) disabled. Some of those weighing in on the non-issue were Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, herself the mother of a child with Down syndrome. She said that the comment was “degrading...especially since it was...coming from the most powerful position in the world." "These athletes overcome more challenges, discrimination and adversity than most of us ever will," she said, her words obviously directed to the black President. And still not content to hop off her soap box, she voiced these words of hope: "I hope President Obama’s comments do not reflect how he truly feels about the special needs community."

Oh, for God's sake, woman, did you lose the election and your mind at the same time?! You "hope" he doesn't really feel that way? Do you mean that you think there's a possibility, given all that you know about him, given all that you've seen of him, that he does feel that way? I can't imagine that you really think he might feel that way as opposed to just having said something stupid. You know what it's like to say something stupid that you later really regretted, don't you, Mrs. Palin? Think hard! I'm sure you can come up with a time or two (October and November, perhaps?) when you may have said things that, in hindsight, were not the most well-thought out statements. You keep thinking. I'll get back to you. Or I'll have Katie Couric give you a call.

Who else wants to throw in their inflammatory remarks of fake offense taken after the President's comment? How about Special Olympics Chairman Timothy Shriver? He said, "I think it’s important to see that words hurt, and words do matter." And I totally agree with the guy. But I have yet to hear from the those who were "hurt" by the "words." “And these words that in some respect can be seen as humiliating or a put-down to people with special needs do cause pain, and they do result in stereotypes.” They can be seen that way, yes. Were they in this instance? I don't think so. It wasn't a mean or malicious statement. And he certainly wasn't trying to "humiliate" anyone! That is just ridiculous to even insinuate at. (And fortunately, not all of those involved with Special Olympics in a managerial sense feel the same way as Mr. Shriver, as Lori Arnold, the head of the Special Olympics in MIchigan stated, "We appreciate that the president "wasn't attempting to humiliate the Special Olympics." Finally! Sanity.) But let's see what a Special Olympian's reaction to this was.

Meet Kolan McConiughey, one of the nation's top Special Olympics bowlers with an average of 212 and a total of 5 perfect games. Holy crap, he's good! According to the AJC “He bowled a 129. I bowl a 300. I could beat that score easily." Yeah, he could! President Barry only bowled a 129 once! Kolan would also like to bowl against President Barry and show him a thing or two about bowling. “I’d tell him to get a new bowling ball, new shoes and bring him down to the lane. Keep his body straight, his arm straight and keep his steps straight. He has to practice every single day.” Good advice. Anyone else?

Then there's a one 21-year old Daniel Fletcher of Brentwood. His reaction? "I am willing to get a team to challenge him. I'd challenge him myself." Huh. Doesn't sound bothered. What about his dad, Warren? What did he think? "A little off-key, but he really didn't mean anything negative." Huh.

Actually, his father Warren puts how he feels about what President Barry said into words that are damn near eloquent. The video of him speaking is below and I can only hope that some of those who are trying to stir up something that isn't there would watch it and listen to this guy. They know what he meant. So if something that is supposed to be offensive to a certain person or group is not offensive to that person or group, is it still "offensive"? I don't know. I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, it can still be a stupid thing to say, but I don't think it has to be offensive.

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Bowling - The Newest Contact Sport

There are plenty of reasons to get into a fight. You run into cattle rustlers rustling your cattle. There's a big tub of Jell-O and a bunch of girls in bikinis. Someone gets their chocolate in your peanut butter. The possibilities are endless, really. But more than there are reasons to get into a fight, are many, many reasons to not get into a fight. A disagreement over bowling etiquette would be one of the latter reasons.

Correct. Bowling. The game where the object is to roll a large ball made of....of....hey. What is a bowling made out of? There's a variety of a colors and they're usually swirly. (That's probably because it makes the ball look cool when you're forced to watch someone else bowl and it was the only way to keep the spectators from turning to wood.) I guess I'm unfamiliar with the swirly element which composes the bowl for which to bowl. Huh. Cement? No, that wouldn't work. Marble? No, it's too big for a marble. Marbles are little. Cork? I'm never going to get it. I give. Where was I?

Oh, yeah! Bowling. The point is that there's not much to the game. It's apparently the etiquette, however, that became an item of discontent for a one Ryan Scott David during a bowling outing at the Rocklin AMF Lanes in Rocklin, CA.

According to the barely adequate reporting from MSNBC.com, "...a professional bowler from Vacaville, was upset because a group bowling next to him did not wait for their turn to bowl." That non-waiting group would be the one RSD was in. If you're not familiar with this rule, it works like this. If there are people bowling in adjacent lanes and they each approach to bowl, basically whoever gets to the approach (starting) dots first goes....? First! How'd you guess? The point of the rule is that it's easy to lose your concentration if you see someone out of the corner of your eye as your doing your bowling thing. And if someone is continually doing this, then it becomes even harder to keep your concentration and all the while keep muttering, "You stupid m-f'er" under your breath.)

So whenever this guy is getting ready to bowl, rather than just letting him take his turn before RSD and those in his group would bowl, they just didn't give a fat rat's ass and would walk right on up and bowl away. Not cool. What's wrong with you, RSD? Why can't you wait your turn? It's not that hard. You should have been learning all about waiting and taking turns since you were in elementary school. Probably didn't care then either, did you, loser?

(Side note: While not disputing that this did occur, I am a bit skeptical about the "pro bowler" actually being a "pro bowler". Have you ever bowled in a public bowling alley? It'd be similar to a pro golfer playing on a city course. That is to say, not likely to happen I wouldn't think. I suppose it could. I'm just not real sure how accurate that is. Hell, three or four beers in, if I'm bowling and you ask me if I'm a pro bowler, I'll tell you YES! And that is not just me!)

Pro bowler guy finally had enough and said something to the group. RSD didn't take to kindly to being told....well...probably anything, really. That's when the brawling began. That's correct. The brawling. Over who bowls first. ....Jesus. Don't you people have jobs to go to or some other way to expend your energy?

"During the brawl, 24-year-old Ryan Scott David allegedly tried to use a bowling ball to settle the dispute, knocking the victim's front tooth out in one piece -- root and all." Holy crap! He hit him in the face with the swirly ball of an unknown substance! Those swirly balls are heavy! I can't believe the tooth popped out in one piece! That's either a hell of a shot or a hell of a tooth, I don't know which one, but I'm feeling a little guilty that I kinda would have liked to have seen that happen (but only if it didn't involve someone getting their head bashed in by a lunatic wielding a bowling ball). And ol' Ryan Scott David? He looks about like you'd expect. Behold!

A quick-thinking EMT saved the tooth in a glass of milk to preserve it as they transported the victim to the hospital, where they reattached it." Of course. Because EMTs are always carrying around a glass of milk when assisting victims of bowling alley fights stemming from a disagreement over "I'm first! No, I'm first!"

"Doctors at Sutter Roseville Medical Center were able to replace the tooth with the hope that it will be able to re-attach itself." Re-attach itself? They're hoping for that? The doctors? They're the ones doing all of the hoping? You know, I tend to expect a bit more than "hope" from my physicians, but maybe this is what works for them. A whole lot of "hoping". (As in, "I hope I don't find myself at that hospital.")

"The victim suffered other injuries to his face from the impact of the bowling ball." Really? After being hit in the face with a bowling ball there were other injuries? Huh. Yeah, go figure.

And in another not-so-shocking move, RSD was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon. (And again I ask, isn't anything and everything a deadly weapon if you're using it to bash someone else with? I think it is.) His father, a one Vernon David said, "He was just protecting himself. The other guy swung first. It was self-defense." Um, "self-defense" is when the other guy swings at you and you swing back without a bowling ball in your hand! It's called "assault" when you pummel the guy in the face with a bowling ball because you didn't want to wait your turn. (Psst! It's also called "being a dumbass" when you try and defend your son like that.)

But he then added, "He made a bad decision." There's a whole lot of bad decision making that goes on with members of your family, isn't there, sir? Your son made a bad decision to act like a feral child having a tantrum and you made a bad decision to try to say it was in self-defense. Hmmm. Apple. Tree. Got it.

Seriously, what is wrong with people? I'm noticing trends in behavior that are not encouraging and it's due to either one of two things. It's either that there are more dumbasses in the world or that there is just more access (ie, the Internet) to the dumbasses and their antics. And I really don't know which one would be better, but I do know that people need to stop acting like they are the only one on the planet that matters.

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