I Do(nate)

Let's say that you have a birthday or a wedding or even an anniversary coming up in the near future.  And let's say that you want to make sure to really irritate all of your potential guests and possibly sever relationships with them for quite some time.  Well have I got the solution for YOU!  Now, for what I'm going to presume is a limited time, you can sign up for the Obama Event Registry and instruct your would-be guests to donate to his campaign in lieu of getting you a gift!  Doesn't that sound great?!  And by 'great', I mean 'really freaking weird'. 

I seriously thought that this was just some sort of an Internet rumor when I first read about it.  But no, it's right over yonder at Barackobama.com  It simply (while ignoring the weirdness of it all) says: "Got a birthday, anniversary, or wedding coming up? Let your friends know how important this election is to you—register with Obama 2012, and ask for a donation in lieu of a gift. It’s a great way to support the President on your big day. Plus, it’s a gift that we can all appreciate—and goes a lot further than a gravy bowl. Setting up and sharing your registry page is easy—so get started today"  I'm not so sure that donating to his campaign is going to get you more than you'd get out of a gravy...bowl?  Isn't it a gravy boat?  What the what is a gravy bowl?  Never mind.  I digress.  (But I'm pretty sure it's boat, not bowl.) 

I'm going to go right ahead and say that this is pretty tacky.  How the Obama campaign can even think to ask to be a gift recipient for someone's special occasion is beyond me.  I realize that people sometimes choose a charity or an organization that they'd prefer that people donate to instead of giving a gift.  These people I collectively think of as saps (provided it isn't for a funeral).  But to just come right out and ask that people consider collecting money, cleverly disguised as a gift, for your campaign is just flat out weird.  It kind of has the slight stench of desperation as well. 

Here's the main reason why I think it's just a bizarre thought:  It seems to presume that every single one of your friends that  you would even consider inviting to such an important life event has the same political affiliation that you do.  What a great way to create a huge divide between yourself and your friends with different political views than yourself!  Is the Obama campaign so narrow minded that they think that everyone only has a group of friends and acquaintances that think the exact same way that they do?  Good Lord, could you imagine bringing up something like this at Thanksgiving dinner?  I'm sure that your older and more conservative relatives will just relish in joy of your requesting to make a donation to the opposite of their beliefs.  Because who doesn't like good old fashioned political talk at a wedding?! 

Why stop at just birthdays and weddings and anniversaries?  Why not include graduations in that mix as well?  Oh, and in lieu of having flowers sent to a funeral, how about you just instruct them to donate to his campaign instead?  And for God's sake, don't just stop at your own birthday.  Make sure that's what your children's friends do as well.  Besides, having all of those gifts around just clutters up the party space, right?  Riiiiight. Don't forget the Tooth Fairy!  Might as well include Santa and the Easter Bunny in all of that too, wouldn't you think? 

I would love to have statistics on how many soft heads out there actually participate in this particular campaign of giving or whatever you want to call it.  (I want to call it one of the weirdest and tackiest things ever, but that's just me.)  I've said it several times before, he's not a Muslim; he's a socialist.  Keep your eye on the ball, people.  He's coming after your gifts!  Run!  RUN!

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Shopping For The Rich And Ridiculous

Looking to spend an inordinate amount of money this Christmas? Want to buy lavish and pointless gifts? Of course you do! And you're going to want to turn to Neiman-Marcus to help you do this! Let's see what we can piss away holiday funds on this year, shall we?

Up first is the ever pretentious Folding Electric Bike. In part, the description reads "From the trunk of your car to under your desk, this electric bike folds up to slip into tight spaces". Why would you want this in your car? Wouldn't this be in place of your car? The thing is $1,995.00, so the price is kind of in place of your car. And I'm taking an issue with how it "folds up to slip into tight spaces". Really? Behold!

Does that look all that compact to you? Me neither. It's certainly not fitting under anyone's desk. Moving right along, do you want "Supremely weird looking cool ice-like, self-powered speakers deliver 55 watts per channel with DSP optimized digital power amplification for (allegedly) amazing sound."? Then these are for you. You weirdo. With a thousand dollars to drop on this ugly crap. Are you Superman? Are they going in your Ice Fortress? No? Then why would you want these?

What about a wet/dry electric shaver? Sounds practical, yes? Of course it does. And Panasonic has one with a "...multi-flexible head that pivots 360°, pop-up trimmer, and a fully automatic self-cleaning and quick-charging system." What's not to love? Well, the $400 price tag for starters. Four hundred dollars?! For a shaver? What the hell does it do that makes it worth $400? Does it actually do the shaving for you? No? Next!

Want to stay dry during the rain? Want to do it with an umbrella with a barely discernible skull at the base of the handle? Want to do all of that AND part with $495? Oh, wait. Too pricey? Yeah, well, then the Alexander McQueen Skull-Handle Umbrella might not be for you. Then again, they describe it as "A menacing skull forms the handle of this Alexander McQueen umbrella— show it off in your umbrella rack." In my umbrella rack?! What now?! Shouldn't that say something about using it to keep precipitation falling from the sky off of you?

What about your pills? Got pills? Always losing them as they roll about? (No, I don't know why they're not in the provided containers. I'm stretching this here as it is.) Need a box to keep them in? A pill box, perhaps? How about one encrusted with a bunch of Austrian crystals in a multicolor parrot motif? Yes? For $695? No? What?

What if it was in the motif of a blue bird? Same price, different avian species depicted! How about then? No? Hell, no? What?

What about for your correspondence needs? Been looking for "...cards are an eye-catching pumpkin hue with a white border (and) are engraved with bordered monogram"? Want to spend over ten dollars per card? Mind you, these aren't gift cards or anything. There isn't even anything written on these cards with the "eye-catching pumpkin hue". NOTHING! And fifty of them will set you back $605! Behold!

Who are you people who are buying those? Seriously, I need to know. How much of a pretentious ass are you? Good Lord. I'm guessing that the people who buy those use them to send out announcements to people to tell them that they have just dropped $3,500 on this little musical Santa. Behold!

If that's too much for you to spend on something that you could probably find a reasonable likeness of for about $25, you can always opt for the $995 donkey. But be warned! I don't think that he's musical. So if you want to spend a thousand dollars on a figurine of a donkey that just sits there and sparkles, this might be the donkey for you.

Or if you prefer, there's also a handcrafted ox which Neiman-Marcus says you can use to "...complete your nativity scene". It will also complete your wallet being emptied, as the ox is $1,200. (By the way, what kind of sparkly nativity scene are they used to seeing over there at Neiman-Marcus? Just how gay was Jesus in their versions?)

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Enjoy Your VD

Today is Valentine's Day or, for those of us who are bitter and (technically) alone, Sunday. I don't really understand the point of this day. I mean, shouldn't you tell people that you love them all year 'round? Of course, that's provided that there are actually people that you would actually want to tell them that you love them because you actually do. That's a tall order, my friend. Very tall.

Regardless of my dislike for the holiday, if you like it, well, Godspeed. But don't screw it up, all right? If you're going to buy her (or him) something, make it something good. We love jewelry, but we usually like to pick it out ourselves. We love Victoria's Secret, but we'd prefer a gift card rather than some satin-y, scratch-y thing with garters that you'd pick out for us. (Believe it or not, there is sleepwear out there that is sexy and that does not make us feel like a five dollar hooker.) We love cash. No "but" with this one. Cash is cash. But there are some things that we do not want.

We do not particularly want flowers. Sure, flowers are nice, but you're getting so ripped off by buying flowers for Valentine's Day that it's hard to enjoy something that someone else got reamed up the wazoo for. (And if you've ever been reamed up the wazoo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) I don't know any women who would be thrilled to be handed a box of chocolates. None. It's not that we don't enjoy candy because we do. But it's a whole box. And while we don't want to make you feel bad by not eating it, we also don't want our ass to end up being the size of Nebraska.

But let me tell you what we really don't want. We really, really, really don't want a teddy bear. We don't care if it's from Vermont. We don't care if it's dressed in some sort of 1980s aerobic gear complete with headband and leg warmers. We don't care if our name is emblazoned somewhere upon the animal. Yes, we realize that it's cute. But it's a teddy bear. And, well....with a world full of jewelry and gift cards and cash (my God, the cash!), it's difficult to be excited (or thankful) when handed a teddy bear.

The video below is courtesy of those fine folks over at Saturday Night Live. It's one of the funniest things they've ever done and it conveys the "Don't you dare buy me a teddy bear for Valentine's Day" sentiment better than anything else ever could. Enjoy your VD!

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Botox, Botoxer, Botoxest

I guess that sometimes when you see stuff go on in your own family for a while, you don't recognize it as being weird or out of the ordinary? Is that what happens? Is that why I was perfectly resigned to the fact that my brother would painstakingly remove and then subsequently line up and categorize all of the marshmallows from his bowl of Lucky Charms? Only to pop the appropriate number or marshmallows in his mouth before adding a bite of cereal with milk. (I still, to this day, do not know what the formula was for calculating the marshmallow to toasty oat goodness ratio was.) To me, that wasn't weird. That was breakfast.

If that peculiarity of childhood can be explained away by other family members simply becoming desensitized to the whole 7am Marshmallow Segregation Ritual of the 1970s (the MSR), then I guess it would award me some peace of mind here. It certainly beats my going crazy from racking my brain so hard in search of a yet unanswered question to the point that my skull actually bursts, rendering me incapable of human interaction and devoid of all feelings. (Yet since I'm practically that way already, can I be rendered further? More stories like this one and time will tell, my friends. Time will tell.)

Side note: Totally off topic, but have you ever noticed how the 'charms' in the Lucky Charms sort of resemble the pieces in the game 'Operation'? They totally do!

The question being: Why in the hell would this seemingly normal teenage girl willingly accept a present from her mother when the present is Botox injections and when the mother looks like this. Behold!

OH, what the hell is that?

That would be a one Jodie King and her mother, a one Margaret King, according to The Daily Mail. I think someone must have switched up the pictures though, because that is clearly Marcia Brady and The Joker. Where's the picture of the Kings?!

What? Oh. Really? Oh. Whoops. Annnny-wayyyyy....so...Botox!

Yep. Again, according to The Daily Mail Mrs. King has spent £45,000 for her own plastic surgery. I know! Can you believe that she's had some work done?! Me neither! and so when Jodie's 18th birthday rolled around, Mrs. King"bought her £160 Botox injections" because "Jodie's forehead is like mine - she gets pronounced lines when she makes a facial expression. I knew Botox would solve the problem.'"

Um, ma'am? Yeah, you see, EVERYONE gets lines when they MAKE a facial expression! It's not UNUSUAL for your face to CHANGE when you're actually MOVING it! The odd part is when you move you face and NOTHING MOVES!! Or if your forehead is so smooth, you could be the screen at a drive-in movie, that's not normal!

But it must be normal for Jodie because she is almost 20 and "...earns £800 a month as a model, using the money to pay for Botox jabs." A model? For what? "Before They Were Freaks" magazine?

Jodie claims that her mother who "...is separated from Jodie's father (probably because he didn't think that any woman should have a forehead that is smooth enough to ice skate on), has been under the knife for a nose job, two breast enlargements, a tummy tuck and a mini-facelift." TWO breast enlargements? What? Did they do them one at a time or something? Why two? (Because she's crazy, that is correct.)

Jodie will not fare much better than The Joker her mother if this statement is any indication: "So what if I'm a teenage Botox addict? I can't think of anything worse than looking old. I'll always find a way to pay for Botox. Now I've started I can't stop." See the connection? Acorn? Tree?

This will not end well. Then again, if this chick thinks that her mother looks fabulous, then maybe it will end well for her. She'll end up looking just like the spawn of a Marvel Comics character and if she is truly that admiring of her mother's looks, then she will be thrilled. The parents of small children who have to run after said children when they flee in horror upon seeing her for the first time, those folks will not be so thrilled.

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Say "Thank You", Gordon

Maybe I'm looking at a certain situation all wrong, but I'm extremely confused about something. See, I was either taught or I learned along the way (sorry, parents) that if I received a gift, any gift, I was to be appreciative of said damn gift. I cannot tell you how many times I was reminded that no one has to give me anything, that there might be traditions, but there are not obligations when it comes to gift giving. Therefore, one should make themselves as gift-worthy as they can if they would like to receive any gift during their earthly existence. (OK, that last sentence wasn't ever said in those terms to me, thank God, but I got the gist!)

So I'm a bit confused as to why the Brits are all up in arms about the gifts that they received from the Obamas. First of all, I guess I'm a bit naive to the placating practice of heads of state exchanging gifts with one another when either are visiting. Apparently, the gift? Quite a big deal (at least for the Brits). It's a huge freaking deal to one Brit, namely a Iain Martin who wrote a piece for The Telegraph titled "President Barack Obama dislikes Britain, but he's keen to meet the Queen." So, Iain, tell us how you really feel about it. Geez.

Apparently, Mr. Martin has his knickers all in a bundle over the gifts that the Obamas gave to Prime Minister Brown and his wife, Sarah. President Barry presented Brown with a blockbuster "special collection set" of 25 classic American movies on DVD. That seems nice. It seems very "American". I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't know how this gift-giving thing goes (as I've already said), but they don't even know each other. And they have two boys, so a bunch of DVDs seems like a very appropriate gift that oozes the pop-culture lifestyle of the United States. You know, that pop-culture lifestyle that got him elected? That's the one. Seems reasonable.

They also presented the Browns with two toy helicopters that are made to look like Marine One. Cool. Again, that seems reasonable. To me. That seems reasonable to me. It did not seem reasonable to this Iain fellow based upon what the Browns gave the Obamas. Are you ready for this? (If you didn't think that the Brits were snobby and/or snotty before, you will now.) They gave President Barry:

• "A pen holder fashioned from the oak timber of HMS Gannet, a Navy vessel that served on anti-slavery missions off Africa."
  
  
• "A framed commissioning paper for the HMS Resolute, a Royal Navy ship that came to symbolize British-American goodwill when it was rescued by the U.S. from icebergs and given to Queen Victoria. It is the sister ship of the HMS Gannet."
  
  
• "A first edition of Martin Gilbert's seven-volume biography of Winston Churchill, whose World War II partnership with President Franklin Roosevelt symbolized the U.S.-Anglo alliance."
  
  
  

Oh, for Christ's sake, are you kidding me?!?! Am I supposed to be impressed or touched or something that the pen holder was made from the wood of an anti-slave ship? You know, President Barry wasn't a slave. Neither was his father. Yes, I am aware of the atrocity that was slavery. But is this gift supposed to hold more significance than if it was given to George Bush simply because President Barry is our first half white President? And a seven volume biography of Winston Churchill? Why not a biography (not a seven volume one) of George Washington? Or Abraham Lincoln? Why is it OK for Prime Minister Brown to give gifts that reflect his culture, but it isn't OK for President Barry to give gifts that reflect the US culture?

I mean, I'd like to know what Mr. Martin would have found more acceptable? A set of George Washington's wooden teeth? Monica Lewinsky's blue dress? Some tea from the Boston Tea Party? The key that Benjamin Franklin tied to his kite string? Joe Biden's fifteen volume autobiography (with footnotes AND an index)? I'm sure we can scrounge up some extra skin from some of Nancy Pelosi's many face lifts. Is that what they want? I don't get it.

And you're going to tell me that Prime Minister Brown went out and picked these gifts out himself? Went down to the ol' Dead English Rulers Shoppe and found that Churchill bio himself, did he? I don't think he did. Whereas the Daily Mail reports that "...the movie set included ET, Star Wars and The Wizard of Oz and was produced by the American Film Institute on "special request" from the White House." Special request. That sounds like a little bit of personal thought went into it. I'd way rather have a gift that someone thought about rather than a gift that someone else bought for them to give to me because someone else thought it would be "appropriate".

It's also noted in both the Telegraph and The Daily Mail that "...Mr Brown is not thought to be a film buff, and his reaction to the box set is unknown." See, and I don't know how it could be unknown, as the reaction should be and should have been "Thank you". But it would seem as if the US gifts given to the Brits don't ever meet their standards. Apparently W gave Brown a fur-lined leather bomber jacket, a fine gift if there every was one. Very cool. Nope. Didn't like that. Apparently Brown is a stodgy suit-wearer at all times. That's unfortunate.

The Brits, or at least Iain Martin, need to get over themselves. It's a fine gift that reflects America and Americans. Perhaps (one can only hope) that Mr. Brown will enjoy seeing the films with his family. (I don't know how old his boys are, but if they haven't seen Star Wars, watching them watch it for the first time brings a whole different dimension to the movie.) And perhaps President Barry will enjoy looking at the seven volumes of Winston Churchill sitting on his shelf. (Winston Churchill himself looked quite a bit larger than just seven volumes, I'll tell you that.) Here's a question for Mr. Martin: Why do you pay so much attention to the gifts that your Prime MInister receives from other world leaders? Might I suggest a night out in some village and knocking back a few pints with your fellows for a change? But here's another question, one that's more relevant to the situation rather than Mr. Martin's narrow view of the world as he would like it to be: Would Brits be just as appalled by the gift of DVDs if it was Ronald Reagan who had presented the gift? After all, Reagan was a Hollywood actor who had starred in movies. Would it have been OK coming from him? If so, then the Brits just need to lighten up. And if not, then the Brits just need to lighten up.

Thanks for the pen, Gordie!

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No One's Wish List

Only 12 more shopping days until Christmas! Now, is this when the 12 days of Christmas starts? How does that work? Does anyone know? I don't think that they do. You know what else people don't know? What exactly it is that they're shopping for during these last 12 shopping days. No one knows what to buy (that is reasonably priced, not illegal in 48 states and doesn't involve a plastic guitar controller). And if you're one of those folks who has no clue what to get anyone, especially the men in your life, whatever you do, make sure you do NOT turn to USA Today for advice. For God's sake, don't do that.

The folks over there at the national weekday news publication known to some (like me) as the McPaper, USA Today, has published a "Holiday gift guide: Great gear to get your guys". Just the fact that there are all of the G's in the title as they try to be cutesy, is not a good sign. Don't try and distract us with your G's there, USA Today! We're not falling for that again. (Not after that Great Grater debacle of 2003.) The article appears to be written by a woman, an Arienne Thompson, who appears to have received suggestions from Esquire's online editor Eric Gillin. Now you know who to blame.

First suggestion for the man on your list (the key word here being "man")? How about a cashmere scarf? For the man on my list? OK, first of all, there aren't a lot of men on my list (shocking, I know). I suppose I could count my brother as a "man" (it might be the first time), but that's really stretching it. Regardless, I don't know a lot of men who would be all that into the cashmere scarf gift. I also don't know a lot of men who would be into the cashmere gift or the scarf gift. There aren't a lot of guys who can pull off the scarf look. Prince. That's about it. If your man is the metrosexual type or even the heteroflexible type, then he might be the sort of "man" that would enjoy a cashmere scarf. If he doesn't fit into one of those two categories (and he's still a he), perhaps you should consider passing on the scarf and see if it's possible to find something a touch more manly out there for him. I know, I know, it will be a chore. After all, nothing says MAN like cashmere.

The McPaper also suggest some high-end ear buds, like the Bose in-ear headphones. High-end ear buds are a nice gift, I'll give them that. And Bose makes terrific products. Me, personally, I'm going to have a hard time justifying spending $100 for earbuds. As a known tightwad when shopping for myself, my current earbuds sport a lovely lime green color, were $11.95 on sale and are a heck of a lot better than those cheap-ass ear buds that come with the damned iPod. But if you think your man's ears are worth $50 each, perhaps the ear bud suggestion is for you.

They also recommend some sort of a Wii controller. This makes the presumption that your man has a Wii. The one made by Nintendo! Not the other one! (Oh, what? I can't make one joke that references the Wii/penis genre?) And if he already has a Wii, they are also making the assumption that he plays with his Wii quite a bit (stop it!) and that he has lots of friends over to play with his Wii along with him. (Too....many.....jokes. Head....may.....explode.) If your man doesn't have a Wii, well, you probably don't have as many headaches. And if he does have a Wii, decide if it really needs some accessorizing before you go off and buy him more ways to control his Wii. He might think he can control his Wii just fine. (Most men do. Few actually can.)

This next suggestion perplexes me, but it might be for the chaps that fit in the cashmere scarf category. They tell us that, "You can't ensure that he'll use the shower gel, after-shave and body spray inside this grooming set, but the leather box it's packaged in is a definite bonus. He can use it to hold baseball cards or even cigars." That's quite the diverse range of things that they suggest the guy can do with the leather box. From baseball cards to cigars. Ladies, if you're dating a man who needs to keep his baseball cards in a leather box that used to hold (what would amount to) his Axe Body Spray, you need to find yourself a new man. Actually, you probably need to find yourself a man, as the baseball card in a box kind of guy may get you arrested in all 50 states and Canada.

I do find it somewhat amusing that they are basically suggesting that you buy him a leather box with some stuff inside that he will likely discard, thus indicating that there is no use for anything but the box! But I guess you can't just come right out and say that and have it sound like a serious suggestion, eh? "Just what he wants to find under the tree this Christmas! It's a brand new leather box!" What is he? A cat? Is he four? You could give him that big box the new refrigerator came in and he'll be occupied for days! Forget about the leather box, just go with the box-box!

And the suggestion that no one needed, but this time with a cheesy intro: Gloves!! "Winter gear never goes out of style, especially a pair of middle-of-the-road leather gloves that can be used to shovel snow or jazz up a casual coat. It's a really great solution that solves a lot of problems, so it's a thoughtful, practical gift." OK, whatever. You know, just the other day I heard a guy saying, "I really like this casual coat of mine, but I sure do wish I had something to, you know, jazz it up a bit." No. That never happened. And it never will happen. I'm unfamiliar with the "middle of the road" leather glove. Is that where you find them? Do you only get one at a time, like with stray socks? If so, this doesn't sound like the gift that keeps on giving. More like the gift that assures you'll never be asked to exchange gifts with that individual ever again.

And finally, but none too soon, while the middle of the road leather gloves may never go out of style, you may want to opt for a classic gift that keeps on giving such as a Swiss Army pocket knife. Now, when I think "Swiss Army knife" I think big, behemoth device that can barely fit in one's pockets. (Is that your knife in there or are you just happy to see me?) This little trinket sports a "small blade, key ring, scissors, nail file and screwdriver attached." Sounds to me that if you ever think you have an opportunity to use this puppy, you'll whip it out, realize in about five minutes that you're not MacGyver, and then use it to do your nails while you wait for the tow truck driver or the Search & Rescue teams to arrive. They also explain the color by stating , "The kicky color makeover also adds a little fun. "The idea of it coming in a number of different colors is a neat little wrinkle, especially if someone doesn't like red." If they don't like red? What the.....?? Ladies, if you give this knife to your "man" and he responds with, "Wow. I sure would have liked some body spray instead." OR if you give a regular Swiss Army knife to your "man" and he responds with, "I really wish this was some other color besides red.", here's what you need to do: You need to calmly take the knife out of his hands, open up the blade and stab him with it. OR, if that won't make your holiday pain subside, try stabbing yourself with it. You know, just as a reminder of what a peach of a man you chose yourself there! Perhaps, put on the leather gloves, a la OJ, first and then do the stabbing. Take care not to get any blood on that new cashmere scarf though. I hear trying to get blood out of cashmere is a real bitch.

So there you have it. If you happen to be on the receiving end of any of these lovely items this yuletide season, please let me know how well, if at all, you liked them. Ooh! And if you get some of that Axe Body Spray, I'd really like to know how many times you were accosted by strippers and centerfold models (because it shows that in all of the commercials, not just one, so it must be true!). I'd really like to know.

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