Sunday, December 19, 2010

Shopping For The Rich And Ridiculous

Looking to spend an inordinate amount of money this Christmas? Want to buy lavish and pointless gifts? Of course you do! And you're going to want to turn to Neiman-Marcus to help you do this! Let's see what we can piss away holiday funds on this year, shall we?

Up first is the ever pretentious Folding Electric Bike. In part, the description reads "From the trunk of your car to under your desk, this electric bike folds up to slip into tight spaces". Why would you want this in your car? Wouldn't this be in place of your car? The thing is $1,995.00, so the price is kind of in place of your car. And I'm taking an issue with how it "folds up to slip into tight spaces". Really? Behold!


Does that look all that compact to you? Me neither. It's certainly not fitting under anyone's desk. Moving right along, do you want "Supremely weird looking cool ice-like, self-powered speakers deliver 55 watts per channel with DSP optimized digital power amplification for (allegedly) amazing sound."? Then these are for you. You weirdo. With a thousand dollars to drop on this ugly crap. Are you Superman? Are they going in your Ice Fortress? No? Then why would you want these?

What about a wet/dry electric shaver? Sounds practical, yes? Of course it does. And Panasonic has one with a "...multi-flexible head that pivots 360°, pop-up trimmer, and a fully automatic self-cleaning and quick-charging system." What's not to love? Well, the $400 price tag for starters. Four hundred dollars?! For a shaver? What the hell does it do that makes it worth $400? Does it actually do the shaving for you? No? Next!

Want to stay dry during the rain? Want to do it with an umbrella with a barely discernible skull at the base of the handle? Want to do all of that AND part with $495? Oh, wait. Too pricey? Yeah, well, then the Alexander McQueen Skull-Handle Umbrella might not be for you. Then again, they describe it as "A menacing skull forms the handle of this Alexander McQueen umbrella— show it off in your umbrella rack." In my umbrella rack?! What now?! Shouldn't that say something about using it to keep precipitation falling from the sky off of you?

What about your pills? Got pills? Always losing them as they roll about? (No, I don't know why they're not in the provided containers. I'm stretching this here as it is.) Need a box to keep them in? A pill box, perhaps? How about one encrusted with a bunch of Austrian crystals in a multicolor parrot motif? Yes? For $695? No? What?

What if it was in the motif of a blue bird? Same price, different avian species depicted! How about then? No? Hell, no? What?

What about for your correspondence needs? Been looking for "...cards are an eye-catching pumpkin hue with a white border (and) are engraved with bordered monogram"? Want to spend over ten dollars per card? Mind you, these aren't gift cards or anything. There isn't even anything written on these cards with the "eye-catching pumpkin hue". NOTHING! And fifty of them will set you back $605! Behold!

Who are you people who are buying those? Seriously, I need to know. How much of a pretentious ass are you? Good Lord. I'm guessing that the people who buy those use them to send out announcements to people to tell them that they have just dropped $3,500 on this little musical Santa. Behold!

If that's too much for you to spend on something that you could probably find a reasonable likeness of for about $25, you can always opt for the $995 donkey. But be warned! I don't think that he's musical. So if you want to spend a thousand dollars on a figurine of a donkey that just sits there and sparkles, this might be the donkey for you.


Or if you prefer, there's also a handcrafted ox which Neiman-Marcus says you can use to "...complete your nativity scene". It will also complete your wallet being emptied, as the ox is $1,200. (By the way, what kind of sparkly nativity scene are they used to seeing over there at Neiman-Marcus? Just how gay was Jesus in their versions?)

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