Yum, Yum, Yum, Here Comes the Sun

Well, well, well, Japan. You've certainly created an interesting situation over there for yourself now, haven't you? I'd say that you have! You go off and elect yourself a new prime minister and you think everything is just fine and then you think, "Hey....I wonder what that guy's wife is like?" And that's when you find out she's been to Venus on a UFO and eats the sun each morning. Japan, you elected her husband, who chose to marry her, as your new leader. Wait. We did what? What now?

Japan, you have a new prime minister in one Yukio Hatoyama. From what I can tell, he's like the Barack Obama of Japan. Changey McOptimism. Yep, sounds to me like y'all wanted yourself some change and hoo-boy did you ever get some change!

Your new leader is married to a one Miyuki Hatoyama, making her your new first lady. On September 16, she will step into her new role, one that The Guardian describes as being "that of pedlar of new age bunkum." You know, I think Michelle Obama briefly considering being a "pedlar of new age bunkum" but I think she decided to plant that vegetable garden instead. It's easier to explain a zucchini growing in the East Lawn than it is to explain how you ended up on Venus. Allegedly.

Mrs. Hatoyama (I'm assuming that's her official title; do forgive me if it's not) has told of one of her morning rituals when she told the media, "I eat the sun. Like this:" And this is where she reaches her arms up and simulates what I envision to be picking fruit off of a tree, only she is picking pieces of the sun. "Yum, yum, yum. It gives me enormous energy. My husband has recently started doing that too." Somehow, I can't imagine President Barry and Michelle snacking on the sun first thing in the morning or while out walking Bo. But wait. Um, your husband has started this sun snacking of yours? Your husband who is the new prime minister of Japan? You're telling us that he's a sun snacker? Oh, boy. Care to share anything else with us, Mrs. First Lady of the Asylum?

Apparently this woman also writes cookbooks and titles them in such a way that you'll be sure to know what you're getting when you pick up, for example, Hatoyama Miyuki's Hawaiian Spiritual Food. Granted, while you know that you'll be getting a book about Hawaiian spiritual food, you likely won't have any idea what in the hell Hawaiian spiritual food is, but at least you won't be blindsided. Again, according to The Guardian "She makes her own clothes (including a skirt made from hemp coffee bags)." Well, that sounds simply lovely. I'm sure it's a best seller over in Columbia. Also, "...as she demonstrated during the election campaign, can also do a very passable Moonwalk." "Passable" meaning...what...exactly? Will we really think she's on the moon? From what I can tell so far, she won't have to moonwalk in order for us to believe that she's on another planet.

Speaking of her books, her book that is really drawing some attention lately is "Very Strange Things I've Encountered." I'm guessing Chapter One is about herself? That sounds like a really good place to start if you're asking me! But it's in this book that she claims "...she was abducted by aliens as she slept one night 20 years ago, then whisked off to the final frontier." Uh-huh. I'm afraid I'm going to need a few more details before declaring you a complete nutjob. "While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. It was a very beautiful place, and it was very green." There. That should do it.

It was very green? On Venus? How did she know that she was on Venus? Maybe she was whisked off to Al Gore's house, she doesn't know! Oh, but she thinks that she does know. She was married once before (shocking, I know!) and when she told Husband Number One about her Venusian travels, he told her that she had probably been dreaming. Husband Number One seems rational, so it's no wonder that they're divorced. But her current husband, the prime minister of Japan (whose nickname is "the Alien" due to his "...sometimes otherworldly manner and an unkind reference to his prominent eyes." Does he have prominent eyes, you ask? Let's see. Behold!

OK, then. Fair enough. Where was I? Oh, right! Her trip to Venus and her husband's reaction. When she told the man who is now the prime minister of Japan that she had traveled to Venus via triangular shaped UFO, he was much more accommodating that Husband Number One and simply has the "Oh, that's great" attitude about the whole thing. I guess "Oh, that's great" is the Japanese equivalent of the American "Yes, dear." I wonder if he'd have the same attitude upon hearing of how "...she had met Tom Cruise in a previous life."

Tom....Cruise? Tom from The Couch?

Yes. Tom Cruise. He was Japanese in that life, you know. Actually, I'm being rather sarcastic, as Tom Cruise is no more Japanese in this or any other life than he was Japanese in that Last Samurai movie or whatever that was. And Mrs. Cuckoo Bird First Lady seems to think that if she were to meet Tom Cruise in this current like that he "...would recognise me when I see him and say: 'Long time, no see!' I'm not quite convinced that he's going to say exactly that after hearing about how you think he was a Japanese acquaintance of yours in a previous life. He might say "Security!"

Her husband, the newly elected prime minister of Japan, says that his wife is "like an energy-refuelling base." Hey! Wait a minute! I thought that the sun gave you your energy?! You know! The sun that you snack on every morning whilst muttering "yum, yum, yum" or something to that effect? Yes! THAT sun! He's really going to need to narrow down where his source of energy is. Is it the sun or is it his wife? Any administration really needs consistency to thrive.

I find it a little odd that Mr. Hatoyama is so OK with all of this. Then again, maybe she threatened to cast some sort of outer space, Venusian curse on him if he said anything. Then he'd end up looking like the Great Gazoo or something. I can't help but feeling a little bit jealous and an awful lot disappointed at the same time. This would be a great scandal/controversy/whatever here in the US. Can you imagine? People are freaking out over health care and President Barry talking to the kids about staying in school. What in the heck would happen if they got wind of Michelle eating the sun "yum, yum, yum" every morning for breakfast?! They'd forget all about President Barry being a secret Muslim, that's for sure!

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Say "Thank You", Gordon

Maybe I'm looking at a certain situation all wrong, but I'm extremely confused about something. See, I was either taught or I learned along the way (sorry, parents) that if I received a gift, any gift, I was to be appreciative of said damn gift. I cannot tell you how many times I was reminded that no one has to give me anything, that there might be traditions, but there are not obligations when it comes to gift giving. Therefore, one should make themselves as gift-worthy as they can if they would like to receive any gift during their earthly existence. (OK, that last sentence wasn't ever said in those terms to me, thank God, but I got the gist!)

So I'm a bit confused as to why the Brits are all up in arms about the gifts that they received from the Obamas. First of all, I guess I'm a bit naive to the placating practice of heads of state exchanging gifts with one another when either are visiting. Apparently, the gift? Quite a big deal (at least for the Brits). It's a huge freaking deal to one Brit, namely a Iain Martin who wrote a piece for The Telegraph titled "President Barack Obama dislikes Britain, but he's keen to meet the Queen." So, Iain, tell us how you really feel about it. Geez.

Apparently, Mr. Martin has his knickers all in a bundle over the gifts that the Obamas gave to Prime Minister Brown and his wife, Sarah. President Barry presented Brown with a blockbuster "special collection set" of 25 classic American movies on DVD. That seems nice. It seems very "American". I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't know how this gift-giving thing goes (as I've already said), but they don't even know each other. And they have two boys, so a bunch of DVDs seems like a very appropriate gift that oozes the pop-culture lifestyle of the United States. You know, that pop-culture lifestyle that got him elected? That's the one. Seems reasonable.

They also presented the Browns with two toy helicopters that are made to look like Marine One. Cool. Again, that seems reasonable. To me. That seems reasonable to me. It did not seem reasonable to this Iain fellow based upon what the Browns gave the Obamas. Are you ready for this? (If you didn't think that the Brits were snobby and/or snotty before, you will now.) They gave President Barry:

• "A pen holder fashioned from the oak timber of HMS Gannet, a Navy vessel that served on anti-slavery missions off Africa."
  
  
• "A framed commissioning paper for the HMS Resolute, a Royal Navy ship that came to symbolize British-American goodwill when it was rescued by the U.S. from icebergs and given to Queen Victoria. It is the sister ship of the HMS Gannet."
  
  
• "A first edition of Martin Gilbert's seven-volume biography of Winston Churchill, whose World War II partnership with President Franklin Roosevelt symbolized the U.S.-Anglo alliance."
  
  
  

Oh, for Christ's sake, are you kidding me?!?! Am I supposed to be impressed or touched or something that the pen holder was made from the wood of an anti-slave ship? You know, President Barry wasn't a slave. Neither was his father. Yes, I am aware of the atrocity that was slavery. But is this gift supposed to hold more significance than if it was given to George Bush simply because President Barry is our first half white President? And a seven volume biography of Winston Churchill? Why not a biography (not a seven volume one) of George Washington? Or Abraham Lincoln? Why is it OK for Prime Minister Brown to give gifts that reflect his culture, but it isn't OK for President Barry to give gifts that reflect the US culture?

I mean, I'd like to know what Mr. Martin would have found more acceptable? A set of George Washington's wooden teeth? Monica Lewinsky's blue dress? Some tea from the Boston Tea Party? The key that Benjamin Franklin tied to his kite string? Joe Biden's fifteen volume autobiography (with footnotes AND an index)? I'm sure we can scrounge up some extra skin from some of Nancy Pelosi's many face lifts. Is that what they want? I don't get it.

And you're going to tell me that Prime Minister Brown went out and picked these gifts out himself? Went down to the ol' Dead English Rulers Shoppe and found that Churchill bio himself, did he? I don't think he did. Whereas the Daily Mail reports that "...the movie set included ET, Star Wars and The Wizard of Oz and was produced by the American Film Institute on "special request" from the White House." Special request. That sounds like a little bit of personal thought went into it. I'd way rather have a gift that someone thought about rather than a gift that someone else bought for them to give to me because someone else thought it would be "appropriate".

It's also noted in both the Telegraph and The Daily Mail that "...Mr Brown is not thought to be a film buff, and his reaction to the box set is unknown." See, and I don't know how it could be unknown, as the reaction should be and should have been "Thank you". But it would seem as if the US gifts given to the Brits don't ever meet their standards. Apparently W gave Brown a fur-lined leather bomber jacket, a fine gift if there every was one. Very cool. Nope. Didn't like that. Apparently Brown is a stodgy suit-wearer at all times. That's unfortunate.

The Brits, or at least Iain Martin, need to get over themselves. It's a fine gift that reflects America and Americans. Perhaps (one can only hope) that Mr. Brown will enjoy seeing the films with his family. (I don't know how old his boys are, but if they haven't seen Star Wars, watching them watch it for the first time brings a whole different dimension to the movie.) And perhaps President Barry will enjoy looking at the seven volumes of Winston Churchill sitting on his shelf. (Winston Churchill himself looked quite a bit larger than just seven volumes, I'll tell you that.) Here's a question for Mr. Martin: Why do you pay so much attention to the gifts that your Prime MInister receives from other world leaders? Might I suggest a night out in some village and knocking back a few pints with your fellows for a change? But here's another question, one that's more relevant to the situation rather than Mr. Martin's narrow view of the world as he would like it to be: Would Brits be just as appalled by the gift of DVDs if it was Ronald Reagan who had presented the gift? After all, Reagan was a Hollywood actor who had starred in movies. Would it have been OK coming from him? If so, then the Brits just need to lighten up. And if not, then the Brits just need to lighten up.

Thanks for the pen, Gordie!

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