Miracles Without Helmets

I'm feeling somewhat vindicated. Granted, it's at the extreme misfortune of others, but the misfortunes could have been worse, so technically it's not that bad. And since it sort of aids in my self perceived vindication, there's definitely some good that has come out of all of it. What am I rambling about? My dislike of the helmeted child.

Look, I'm all for preventing head injuries. That's a good thing. You need a fully working melon in order to make things a little bit easier. But somewhere along the line, it was decided that children riding bikes (or doing any physical activity, really) needed helmets. I, on the other hand, thought the people that wanted a world in which all children were helmeted were the ones who needed the helmets. If for no other reason than to just let others know what a softhead they were.

Children will fall off their bikes. They will fall when rollerblading. They will fall when skateboarding. They will fall when going down the stairs. They will fall after being pushed down the stairs. That's because they're kids. Kids fall. So do adults, but not as much as kids (so I've heard). And kids have been falling for many, many years and civilization still manages to move forward. I didn't wear a helmet when I rode my bike when I was a kid and I turned out all right. Not great, but I'm functional!

See, it starts with the helmet. Then it progresses to the helmet and the knee pads. After that, you have to wait for the kid to put on the helmet, the knee pads, the shin guards, the elbow pads, the wrist pads, the wrist guards. When the kid is around 5 or 6, with all of that protective gear on, they look somewhat like a mutant ninja turtle. On a bike. And now I have anecdotal evidence to back up my cynical theory that the helmet is unnecessary and needs to go the way of the...um....the...other protective gear that was overprotective. Yeah, that's it!

For instance, let's take a one Barry Hart of Te Horo (that's on the Kapiti Coast of New Zealand's North Island). According to the NZ Herald, Barry was using an angle grinder when a slight mishap occurred. Said mishap resulted in the 22cm blade wedging itself in his forehead after it "cut his face from above his top lip and slashed through his nose and an eye." Sweet mother of God.

If you're not familiar with an angle grinder, it's like a small, handheld power saw. It usually has a steel blade with some sort of diamond powder encrusted on the blades so that it can cut things like tile and stone. Angle grinders can go through stone like butt-ah. Thus, imagine what it's going to do to your head....especially if you weren't wearing the all mighty helmet!

Think again! According to the rescue helicopter pilot, a one Waine Dick , Barry "was in extreme pain and a lot of shock, but was more concerned about his wife Gyllian." Um, what? What was that? "He was coherent and able to make sure his wife was all right, which was very touching. He was in an extremely bad way but asked her not to look." Yeah, you wouldn't have had to "ask" me not to look. Believe me, I would not be looking at my husband with an angle grinder blade lodged in his head. No, I would absolutely NOT be looking at him and instead would be concentrating on how to contain any and all bodily functions that would be wanting to fail me at just such a moment.

They fly him to the hospital with the blade still in his head! They did a little surgery at the hospital and he's in "serious, but stable condition." (Oh, you think?!?) He is expected to recover. Holy crap, how is that possible without a helmet?!

Meanwhile, over in Mississippi in dem dar United States, a one 47-year old Tammy Sexton was shot in the head by her husband. According to The Telegraph, the "bullet from a .38-calibre handgun struck her squarely in the forehead, passed through her skull and exited through the back of her head. " She is expected to make a full recovery. Wait! WHAT?!

Full recovery? People don't make "full recoveries" from being shot in the dome. No, people die from being shot in the dome. Dying is quite the opposite of full recovery. Dying is also quite the opposite of offering to make some tea for the police officers who responded to the shooting. Making tea? She's been shot in the head and she's making tea?!

Yep. Making tea. Tea is very popular in the south. They love it. They drink it all the time. With meals. At sporting events. And even after getting shot in the head, southerners will reach for a glass of tea. (Lipton or Nestea really need to hurry up and jump on this one. It's an advertising gold mine! "After being shot in the head, I like to reach for a glass of my favorite tea!") According to one Sheriff Mike Byrd: "When the officer got there, she was holding a rag on her head and talking. She asked the officer what was going on. She was conscious, but she was confused about what had happened." Yeah, I'd be a little confused as well. In fact, I am confused and I wasn't the one being shot in the head. How does that work?

Well, according to a one Dr Patrick Pritchard, "There is a space in the brain where a missile could pass without doing any major damage." Huh. Good to know. You know what else is good to know? That you don't always need a helmet!

See? Two extreme cases of helmetless-ness and those folks are just fine. Both very polite, both concerned about others in the midst of their injury, both expected to make a full recovery and all of that without a helmet. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be careful and take appropriate precautions with things, I'm just saying that the human body is pretty amazing and can take care of itself a lot better than people give it credit for. And it's not that children shouldn't be wearing protective headgear if they're engaged in an activity that has a high probability of cracking open their noggin. Just spare the non-helmeted child and their parents from the ostracizing looks and comments is all I'm saying. And that sentiment I say to all of the softheads out there as well. Take off your helmet and live a little. You'd be amazed at how much quicker you react when you have to protect yourself from whatever comes your way instead of relying on the over-rated helmet.

Sphere: Related Content

Stop Saying That

OK, media folks. It's time to pipe down. It's not like there isn't anything out there to write about. But for some reason, if something is mildly interesting or intriguing once, the media interprets that to mean that the public wants 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, wall to wall, blanket coverage of the topic.

Quite frankly, we don't. It's not so much that we don't want to know about whatever it is. We do. Well, we did. We don't now. Some things become so overhyped and sensationalized that you can't read or listen to anything at all without hearing about it. That's when you get to the stage that I'm at. That would be the "STFU" stage, also known as the "If I have to listen to one more person talk about (blank) one more time, I might just have to punch that person in the face." And that very thought, quite literally, goes through my mind these days whenever I hear any of the following:

~ Twitter

~ Facebook

~ Somali Pirates

~ Torture (This can sometimes include waterboarding, but I just heard that Keith Olbermann offered Sean Hannity $1,000 for every second that he can stand being waterboarded. Now THAT I want to hear about because if there's anyone that deserves to be waterboarded, if for nothing other than just being annoying, it's Sean Hannity.)

~ Susan Boyle

Seriously, pipe down. I'm also quite over a few catch phrases which have worn out their welcome (if we ever welcomed them at all). Those would include:

~ "These troubled economic times."

~ Any comparison to the Great Depression

~ Homes that are "under water". (Since when wereneighborhoods turning into the lost city of Atlantis? Under water? I believe the term is "upside down". Morons.)

~ "It's the economy."

~ "From Wall Street to Main Street." (AAuuggghhh!!! I HATE that saying. And people are STILL saying it. Can you folks not think of anything else? They ARE paying you for that job, correct?

Actually, I'm SO over these catch phrases that I cringe and become nauseous when I hear a newscaster try out a new cliche that they are just hoping will catch on so that they can say it twenty seven times in each story. The one I recently heard uttered on NBC Nightly News? Econocide. Translation: Suicide because of the economy. I believe the reporter (translation: Hot chick with a low cut top and a smokin' hot rack) used it in the following manner: "Some therapists are calling it 'econocide'." No they aren't. They're not. Trust me. They didn't say that. Show me. Show me ONE therapist who calls killing yourself (because you're too big of a puss to tough out a recession) 'econocide'. I cannot imagine they could show me one, let alone one who would admit to it.

Back to the topics that need to be dropped from all news coverage immediately, the coverage of Twitter is out of control. I'm expecting it to start popping up on food labels any day now. ("Doritos! Now with Twitter!" "Frosted Flakes! They're not as GGGRRRRRREEEAT as Twitter!") The amusing part is that the majority of the articles about Twitter center on how people don't know what it is and don't know what to do with it. My question is: If that many people DON'T get it, is it really THAT popular? But what is amazing is how so many people are so narcissistic that they send Tweets about the mundane aspects of their existence with the authentic (mis)assumption that people they don't even know on the other side of the world are just thrilled that they just woke up from a nap and are going to have a Pop-Tart. When Oprah joined Twitter (and send out her first tweet in large, shout-y CAPS), that is the precise moment whenTwitter jumped the shark.

Facebook. Facebook is just a fancy Twitter. (Or maybe it's that Twitter is a plain Facebook. It's one of those.) Facebook has it's own jargon which I find just too damn cutesy to actually use. Oh, I'll use it mockingly when I'm not on Facebook (it helps to have a friend with as much disdain for some of this crap as you have. Then you can mock it together.), but I am unlikely to type on Facebook "Keep in FB touch!" Facebook is highly overrated and highly overpromoted. Facebook claims to have 200,000,000 'users'. And it well might have that many. But how many 'users' actually 'use' Facebook daily? I'm guessing it's no where near the 200,000,000 who have registered with Facebook. After all, only 650,000 voted for or against the new 'Terms of Service'. That's right around 3.25 percent of Facebookers (Facebookians? Facists?) cared enough to vote. Facebook's actual popularity is far below what everyone seems to make it out to be, so pipe down.

The Somali pirate story. It's 2009, right? Argh. And we're talking about pirates on the high seas? (What IS a high sea anyway? Is there a low sea?) Argh! How did this happen? Oh, right. The pirates are from Somali where their quality of life is comparable to that of 250 years ago when pirates were in their glory days. Argh! Actually, you didn't hear much about all of the pirating going on until the US became involve through taking a captain of a shipping vessel hostage. THEN it became a story. And it was pretty cool that the snipers were able to totally take out all three pirates holding the hostage with just three bullets. One for each. Of course then we had to hear from all of the people who thought that the US used unnecessary force and that we should have done something differently. The only comfort I have when I hear statements like that is that perhaps, if those sniper guys need some targets to practice on, they'll have plenty! So yo-ho-ho! Enough with the pirates, matey.

Does the US torture? Nope. Does the US do things to enemy combatants that are not the most pleasant? Yep. But that's not good enough for all of the softheads out there that keep wanting to make 'torture' an issue. Now, in what may be the most glaring instance of irony in the past 100 years, in order to help appease these softheads, the CIA is going to be 'more transparent'. :::blink::: :::blink::: Huh. OK. What could possibly go wrong? We might not torture, but we are certainly not going to not impose uncomfortable measures or circumstances for people that have information that we need. That's how it works. There are a lot of unpleasant things about war and the public is really better off not knowing about them in most instances. It's not because they're hiding anything, it's just because military life and the workings of the military is SO different from civilian life and it's workings that it's very difficult for people to completely wrap their head around the reasons why certain things are done. And it's the softheaded civilians who, because they don't understand the ways of the military, deem that it's torturous and that we're evil. It's not and neither are we. But just know this: The tactics and practices that are currently used in order to coerce information out of prisoners will continue to be used in the future...regardless as to what we're told. Just enjoy your safety and get on with things, will ya?

Susan Boyle. If I have to hear "I dreamed a dream from something gone something...." one more time, I'm going to go all van Gogh on myself and cut off my ears. What I'm totally and completely over is the Monday morning analysis of this woman and people's reaction to her ability to sing like a bushy eyebrowed angel. Nearly all of the conclusions from dissecting this event point toward the public being a superficial, narcissistic bully. Why else would people assume that, just because Susan Boyle wasn't an uberstunning, Victoria's Secret model, that she couldn't sing? I'll tell you why. It's because she was being showcased on 'Britain's Got Talent', that's why. When the tryouts for shows such as that one, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, etc., are aired, what do we see 9 times out of 10? We see the whack jobs who think that they can sing. We see the disheveled, the mentally ill, the questionably functional, all inexplicably overconfident that they are going to be the next American Idol. Yet they're dressed as a chicken and holding a trumpet which then intend to play (thus rendering it incredibly difficult to sing, I would imagine). It's not that we are innately against the plain looking. It's that we've been conditioned to expect disaster during the tryout phases of these shows where the only requirement to try out is that you walk upright 75% of the time.

The Twitter and Facebook stories will be around for a while longer until either Twitter gets sold or Facebook goes public with stock. The pirates and the torture stories will die down soon enough, although the torture topic will come up when a bunch of pictures of said torture are released next month. (That will also do wonders for the moral of the country during these tough economic times!) But just when I though the Susan Boyle phenomenon was waning a bit, what happens? She goes off and gets a bloody makeover! Now I'm going to have to hear about what kind of clothes she was wearing for the next week and a half. Oh, right. Behold! Susan Boyle all made over! Yeah, that's nice and all. It's a definite improvement from before, but it isn't going to make her sing better or worse. It is going to make me get tired of the story rather quickly. Oh, look! I'm over it. Yep. Right then. Done.

Sphere: Related Content

Similarly Messaged Mugshots

I'm a fan of a message T-shirt. I enjoy a good message T-shirt. What I really like is a good message T-shirt in a mugshot. Those are classic...and telling! Prophetic in some instances. But almost always amusing. What I've noticed about the message T's that show up in mugshots is that a lot of them are very similar. Two criminals, er....alleged criminals who don't even know each other and they're wearing the same shirt as the other one is wearing or they're wearing a shirt with a message that is very similar to another alleged criminal's shirt.

And it's not just one or two. It's more than that. It's enough to make you start to wonder what it would take to set up a kiosk in the prison exercise yard and sell them to convicts, er....(No, wait. If they're in prison, they actually are convicted. Thus, they are by the very definition of the word, definitely convicts. Carry on.) I'd have to think that there's some sort of permit involved. Not to mention some training, probably a fee or two, not to mention the constant threat (or opportunity. To each their own) of a little prisoner on prisoner lovin'. Ew. Never mind. Perhaps mail order would be the way to go!

Whichever direction you decide to take it won't matter because future arrestees need shirts! They need messaged shirts! Shirts with a message! You wouldn't even need a huge inventory, as they're not very original or creative. Behold!

Yep. And you three aren't just the kid I was warned about, you three also look exactly like what my parents told me to look out for. Seemingly harmless, yet with no regard for the laws of society, fairly simple minded, somewhat of a follower and a snappy dresser.

Considering the two below are clearly under arrest, they didn't seem to heed the warnings and/or suggestions of their shirts there. That's unfortunate. It could have helped as it seems like there's a list. I wonder how many of them they actually said to said cop right before said arrest. Or would it be quicker to figure out how many they didn't say? Hmmm. Yeah, probably the second one.

Here we have one who knows she's drunk and one who insists he cannot be drunk. Both of them could probably learn something from one another. Get them both on the same page with either being drunk or not being drunk and you've got yourself the makings of a beautiful, allegedly felonious friendship there. Aim high.

Opposites attract?

These women are each proclaiming their Irish heritage. They're practically sisters!


These two are in total agreement with each other. He blames her, she takes the blame. Judging from her expression, she seems a little flabbergasted by the result

More opposites, more attracting.

Why keep all of your important numbers in your cell phone? They're just going to take that away from you when you get arrested. But these two found a way around that! They just keep the really important numbers on their shirts. How convenient!

Yep, lots of similar message T-shirts amongst the mugshotted individuals. Just expect that if you're ever thinking of running afoul of the law. And speaking of "The Law", there's a picture of it below. Steer clear of that and you'll be home free!

Sphere: Related Content

Protest Sign Violations

There were "Tea Party" tax protests across the country last week on the 15th, the very day that we're all supposed to bend over and let the government dry ream us from behind in the form of paying our taxes for the year. (By the way, if you ever hear anyone say that they "got money back" and "didn't have to pay" taxes, please remind them that they did have to pay and that the money that they "got back" was their money to start with! Everyone who actually pays taxes always pays and they pay a hell of a lot.) The protests were your typical demonstration/protest/semi-large gathering of people who like to think that they're making a difference. Hey, and good for them. Doing something is better than doing nothing, right? Yeah, most of the time.

The time when doing something is not better than doing nothing is when what you're doing is or could be detrimental to your cause. Whenever I see a bunch of signs at any sort of demonstration, I'm always amazed at a variety of things that I see as setbacks for the cause. And thanks to a bunch of photos that I lifted with neither permission nor malice from The Huffington Post I have plenty of examples of said potential setbacks (and more than one example of what can only be characterized as 'diminished capacity.') Let's take a look at some of the concepts that the demonstration sign folks always seem to have trouble getting a grip on, shall we?

The first thing that really grates on me is when people take whatever or whoever it is that they don't like and make the Hitler comparison. It chaps me even more when they make a tasteless Hitler comparison. (As if there is a tasteful Hitler comparison. There isn't, but you know what I mean.) Behold! The mis-use of Hitler!

Bad.

Worse.

Oh, my God.

Looking at all of the inappropriate Hitler referenced signs reminds me of another common problem sign amongst the ranks of sign folks. Spacing, people! That top sign, upon first glance, looks like they scrawled "Obama-Hiller" and did so with a Bic ballpoint. You folks couldn't spring for two bucks for a Sharpie or something? It looks awful. Of course, upon further examination, you can tell that the intended message is to be "Obama = Hitler". Again, an incorrect conclusion. Yes, Hitler was bad. But I don't know if the root of Hitler's evil stemmed from taxes imposed upon the German citizens. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was absolutely not taxes that made Hitler such a despised leader. Taxes were probably the least of the problems that Hitler was responsible for

I noticed that it looked like the sign said something else as well. Turns out that when I reversed the image, I could read the message scrawled on the other side of what has to be the world's thinnest poster board. (Judging from the limited budget of this project, that could just be a reinforced piece of tissue paper for all I know.) Since it was hard to see, I traced over it in Photoshop. And while the tracing isn't exactly a perfect rendition of the opposite side, it's extremely close. And I point that out because it brings me to another Protest Sign Guideline: Try to have your sign not look like it was done by a fairly competent chimpanzee because while it might be "primate good" it's not "human good".

The message on the opposite side reads: "Time To Clean Sweep Washington." So wait. "Obama = Hitler" on one side and "Time To Clean Sweep Washington" other side? Do those two have anything to do with each other? I'm pretty sure they do not, but if she'd like to sweep Obama out of his position in a similar fashion to how Hitler was swept from his, she might want to stop and think about all that sweeping Hitler out entailed. Totally necessary, don't get me wrong, but I'm pretty sure that we can resolve our differences within this country without a full blown World War.

The second Hitler reference sign there is a good use of Photoshop and a proper font. But again, President Barry is not comparable to Hitler. AT ALL! He's not Hitler. He's not Muslim. He's not a Muslim Hitler. So knock it off. And while I'm at it, you sir? There in the third picture? References to Jews and ovens is just not appropriate. It's rather sensationalistic and inflammatory. Please see the above explanation as to how Hitler and taxes are not a good comparison of which to liken President Barry to. It's just not.

Then there's the uninformed sign displayer. These folks mean well, but they tend to get at least one fact completely wrong. Like this chap:

I really like the "Can You Feel the Revolution?" slogan on this sign. However, they wrote the word "the" so damn small that at first glance, all you see is "Can you feel revolution?" Sadly, I cannot. But the problem with the sign is that it's incorrect. If they're wondering if the "tea party" that they are attending is what it was like at the real Boston Tea Party in 1776, they're going to be wondering that for quite some time, as the Boston Tea Party took place in 1773. Please, as a general rule, always have a factually accurate sign. Otherwise, you won't be seen so much as being a "protester" as much as you'll be seen as a "moron". Not exactly what I imagine you were striving for.

Nonsensical signs are always in abundance. Here we have a guy warning us about the "plan" for "white slavery". Whatever, dude. Come hang out with me for a day or two and I'll show you some white slavery. I'm exhausted.

I am not a fan of bringing children to a protest unless they are fully aware of what their protesting and unless they actually want to protest. Even if they want to protest just to get out of school for the day, I'm OK with that. Political involvement and activism has to start somewhere and I highly doubt it's going to be in a classroom of a public school in America. It sucks, but it's true. But if you're going to bring your kids, please give them a sign that they can justify displaying. Behold!

See, now those two seem awfully young to be working and paying taxes and paying their mortgage. They could be, but I doubt it. And if they are, shouldn't they be at a rally to rescind child labor laws instead? Perhaps the kid below could go with them. He, apparently, feels he has been "Taxed Enough Already." What is he? Like 9? If he thinks he's been taxed enough at this point, he's in for a not so pleasant surprise in a few years when he actually has a job!

I also prefer the child sign bearers to look enthused. The trio here? Not enthused. Bored is what they seem.

The girls below represent several things that irritate me about sign holders at these protests. Starting on the left, your sign needs to be readable without squinting. I look at that and the first thing I see is "HOWA". (Pretty good. And Howa you?) Upon further examination, one can tell that it says "How a bill becomes a law." Now, I have watched Schoolhouse Rock numerous times and I know this one! She, unfortunately, does not seem to have watched Schoolhouse Rock, as the rest of her sign reads "1. READ IT!! 2. READ IT!! 3. READ IT!!" Yeah, that's not quite all there is to it. I'm sure it has a deeper meaning, but I don't know what she's going for.

Then there's the one on the right which reads "Politics: POLI - Latin Root word for "many" TICS - Blood sucking animals!" OK, I'll give her credit for trying. It's original, but it's wrong. The Latin root for "many" is actually "poly". "Poli" means "city". And "ticks" are blood sucking animals, but "tics" are involuntary body movements. But the real definitions would work well for her also. You've got "poli" meaning "city" and "tics" meaning "spasms" which together form "politics" which equals a spastic city! And that's pretty accurate! Excellent concept, poor execution.

Below, the woman's sign indicates that her name is Hope, but not "The Congress Taxing Hope". Do people actually call you that, ma'am? Is your mail coming to your home addressed to "The Congress Taxing Hope Smith?" You should really talk to someone about that if it's the case. Postmaster General, perhaps. Aside from unwanted nomenclatures however, her other sign's message is completely lost due to a glaring (and somewhat inconceivable) spelling error. I realize that your Magic Markers don't come with spell check, but seriously, does that look right to you? Behold!

Yeah, that's supposed to say "Socialist". It's not even close to "socialist". No, that says "Scholiast". What the hell is "scholiast"? As far as that yellow picture at the bottom of her sign, I've tried to read what it says under the drawing (which appears to either be a snail, an anthill or a thimble. I'm not sure which one, but since they're all so similar, it's only natural that I'd be confused.) and I've narrowed it down to either "Buy American" or "Give Hope".

Honestly, how seriously am I supposed to take someone and their message when they can't even make sure that they're going to have enough room on your sign to have their screed be easily readable and not look like it was wrote by a first grader? A slow first grader. Behold!

"WERNOT GOINGTOTAKEIT AMERICA IS HUMBLE" Wernot? Wer who? You and your buddy to the left, a one Julio the Contractor (according to his sign)? Should I be concerned that both "socialism" and "contractor" are in quotes? I'm guessing I should be, but only if you're going to be retiling my bathroom. I think I'll be more concerned about Wernot.

Whoa! Anti-abortion?! How'd that get in here?!

I don't know how it got in here either. Don't you folks have your own staged protests all the time? Can't you protest there so that your ridiculous sign doesn't look out of place and you feel right at home with all of the other morons holding signs with a similar screed? Like this woman:

Multiple offenses in that sign. The scrawling. The poor grammar. The off topic-ness. (I had no idea that these "tea party" protests were because someone just loooooovvvves baby killing.) She also seems a little unclear on the concept of how these signs work. You know, with the stick part being vertical, as if you were holding a flag. It's not supposed to be horizontal, as if you're advertising the daily special on your sandwich board there. (She has no bell.)

While I'm not a fan of the uninformed and even less of a fan of the dim witted, sometimes their simple antics amuse me. Like the woman below, who has a rambling sign instructing those with the power to "Impeach Osama". I'm not sure which term she doesn't understand the meaning of. "Impeach" or "Osama." It's clearly one of them because her sign makes NO sense. Regardless, I do find it to be quite comical that she made President Barry Irish and spelled his name "O'Bama". Behold!

And where is this guy's teleprompter? At least if he had one of those we might have a better chance that he'd know how to spell 'teleprompter'. Does his sign say "Give me your money" because he wants to go out and buy more tape for his sign, as it does not appear to have nearly enough.

So many people were off topic at various protests. The folks below want us to know that "God is Judging America for 50+ Million Abortions." Yeah, well, even if he is, that would have to mean that he's also judging morons with idiotic signs at tax protests.

This cowboy and his sign were spotted down in Texas, complete with pitchfork! Oh, if he only had a torch to go with said pitchfork! (It'd be like American Gothic, Anarchy Edition.) Behold!


Yes, sir. Guns tomorrow. And serenity now.

Sphere: Related Content

Geographical Goofs

The Great Wall of China is just a big ol' lie. Anything you've thought that you knew about the Great Wall of China is probably not true. That is, unless all you know is that it's a wall that is located within China. If that's all you've got, you're good. A little simple minded perhaps, but good. If you know more than how to give basic definitions of words, then you're in for a surprise, because that 'great wall' is really a 'great lie'.

Actually, the Great Wall of China really should be the basis for determining when it is appropriate to use the word 'great' when describing something other than that particular wall. The Great Wall of China is really, really long. It was built as a means of protection from attacks by those to the North. Considering it was built between 1368-ish and 1644-ish and runs about 5,500 miles, that's definitely the product of someone who had confidence in their ideas and the product of people who definitely did not have the Internet to screw around on all the live long day.

But something like that really is 'great' in every sense of the word. Now, compare the ways that you throw the word 'great' around every day and tell me if you think that you're really using it in the most appropriate sense. Your kid gets a 'B+' on his test and you say, "That's great!" Then you look at the Great Wall of China and you think, "That's great! What'd he do? Study for an hour and get a B+? That's not great! That's not great at all! Hey! Get back in here! That wasn't so great after all! Get out in the yard and build me a wall so I can't see that annoying neighbor anymore and then we'll talk a little greatness for ya there, all right?" It's either that or you start calling it "The Holy Effing Crap It's A Really Long Wall In China" and let all of the B+ slackers continue to refer to themselves as "great". Your choice.

And back to the Great Big Lie of a Wall. Haven't you always heard that it's the only man-made structure that's visible from space? It's not. Nope. It's a lie. I'm just not sure what the lie is about. Sometimes, apparently, you can't see the thing at all. In fact, in 2004 the first astronaut from China claimed he couldn't see the Great Wall at all! (Yes, 2004. It took them until 2004 to get one of their guys to sit on someone else's space craft and end up on the space station. How is that possible? All they had to do was sit there! If someone else is building your spacecraft, why would it take you until 2004 before you sat down and rode on it? It's not like it's hard to do. I'm sitting on a chair made by someone else right now! It was not a problem for me to do this! What's up with the Chinese that it took them forever to figure that out about their space travel? I don't know either, but I do know that I digress. Where was I?....Oh, yeah. All the lying. Carry on.)

After all of the non-seeing by the first Chinese astronaut, NASA piped up and said that there were a lot of different things that you could see from space and that the Great Wall was just one of them! You can see pyramids, you can see the Great Wall, you can see Houston. Wait. Houston? How'd that get in there? Oh, right. NASA. Wow. Talk about 'one of these things is not like the others.' So it wasn't the only thing you could see from space, but you could see it. (Thanks for nothing, China.) So that should clear up Lie Number One. The Great Wall? Only kind of great in that regard.

But if you're talking in regards to the length of the Great Wall, it's definitely great. 5,500 miles! Granted, it was constructed during two separate dynasties (and if you're thinking that the two dynasties are Dynasty and Falcon Crest, well, you'd be wrong) so it's not exactly the most linear structure that you'll ever see. It's not even the most unbroken structure that you'll ever see. I have the feeling that it's a wonder they got it to function as much like a wall as they did given the seemingly un-wall-like structure of the thing. Behold!

What the hell is that? It's a mess! That was supposed to keep others out of China? I don't think it did. It seems clear to me that whoever was in charge of this was simply trying to keep folks busy. There's no other reason for a "wall" to look like a Spirograph drawing gone horribly awry. And what's with that little part up there coming down from Russia and heading into Mongolia? It's not like you can't just walk your army right around the end of that sucker! What good could that possibly have done?

Perhaps the fact that the Great Wall of China is completely higgledy-piggledy is the reason that they just now, just the other day, found more wall! How do you lose a wall?! Especially a wall that is allegedly so freaking great?! I really don't get that. But here's the deal: It would seem that parts of the wall (and, judging from the graphic above, there are plenty of those) can't be seen any more. They're just not there. Apparently sandstorms cover up a bunch of the wall in places. Sandstorms? Wait a minute.

This is where none of this begins to make sense to me. You mean to say that this massive wall which goes in every direction known to mankind, all of a sudden just stops in various places and folks just assumed that was it? They were at the end? Nothing more to see? Went home? If the wall suddenly stopped, what were you thinking had happened? Why wouldn't you dig for the rest of it right then? It didn't get up and walk away on it's own (it's not that great!). Thus, that only leaves one other place for it to be, right? You'd think so! I'd think so! I guess those who are in charge of all of the length determining of the Great Wall did not think so and just got around to finding more!

And we're not talking a couple of feet or anything. We're talking hundreds of miles! How do you not know that there is a couple of hundred miles of something right in front of you? The wall just stopped and those folks just left it at that and called it a day, eh? So, so very odd. The folks over there at Reuters "...researchers spent over two years surveying the wall, using GPS positioning systems, infrared technology and other mapping techniques, to create the most comprehensive picture to date." Huh. "Shovel" seems to be noticeably absent from their list of wall finding devices there. And even though they just found more wall, the State Administration of Cultural Heritage (Known in anagram world as "SACH") still says that "Around 2,000 km, almost one third, of the original wall has vanished altogether." Hey. Wait a minute.

How can they even say that? They just found hundreds of miles of wall! But yet they're certain that some parts are just gone for good?! What makes those parts that aren't there any different from the parts that they just found that you didn't think were there either? Because they both sound pretty similar to me. Both are in China. Both are parts of a wall. Both were missing. One still is. (And here is where the similarities pretty much stop. Once you lose one of the things you were comparing, it's really hard to continue that comparison sans one wall, you know?)

But they're still mapping over there and I'm guessing they're going to find more wall. According to a one Chen Jun, who is the president of the National Geomatics Center, "This is significant because the Great Wall is like a name card for the Chinese people. People who have never come to China all know the Great Wall." Yeah, well, we thought we knew the Great Wall. But now we find out it was all a lie! And that wasn't the only one either! It's all wrong! Lies, I tell you! Lies!

They'll find more next week. I'm sure of it. Oh, and by the way, higgeldy-piggeldy means 'a real mess'.

Sphere: Related Content