Totally There

Saw these at Target today. And I realize what that tag says. But those are anything but "barely there".

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Super Scooby Snack

Once again, we have the "creation" of a ridiculous food item. Fortunately, this time the item isn't vying for a place in the Guinness Book of World Records. The only food items that should be worthy of a Guinness certified World Record are those that are grown. Not those that are baked, not those that are put together, not those which would set a record that could easily be bested by simply adding an ingredient, none of those should qualify. Under my rules, there would be a World Record available for the World's Largest Pumpkin, but there would not be a World Record available for the World's Largest Pumpkin Pie. What's to stop someone from making a bigger pumpkin pie the next day? Not much, all they'd need is a bigger pie plate. You shouldn't be able to snag a world record simply by going shopping.

Even better is that his edible atrocity comes from England. It's like their little way of saying, "Suck it, United States! We can have coronary artery disease just as much as y'all do." (Though I will admit that I highly doubt the Brits have ever said "y'all".) I'm just glad that we won't have to hear from the US folks who always crawl out of their laboratories when news of some lard-laden treat becomes available, just to admonish those of us who eat anything other than dust and Chiclets.

According to the probably obese folks over there at Fox News, the folks across the pond at a take out restaurant aptly called the Jolly Fryer have created a burger seemingly inspired by one of the greatest eaters in all of cartoon history: Scooby Doo.

The "Super Scooby" is the creation of brothers (who are also co-owners of the Jolly Fryer) Spiros and Andreas Lomvardos and another gent who happens to be an employee, Karl Ford. As the story goes (and by "the story" I mean "the article over there at Fox News"), the three chaps were "...sitting at work on a dead quiet night" and "...saw an ad from a well-known burger chain." According to Spiros, they noticed "The burgers always look big in the ads — but they never look like that in real life." That's when "...we started discussing making our own big burger.”

Ford is apparently a man of little talk and lots of action as he went home that night, created his own behemoth concoction and took a photo of it. Behold, the Super Scooby!

Oh, sweet mother of God, what is that gloriousness? Hold onto your arteries. Here we go:

• 4 quarter-pound beef patties
• 12 onion rings
• 8 slices of bacon
• 8 slices of cheese
• 6 slices of tomato
• 2 sesame buns
• Barbecue sauce
• Lettuce
• And a good slathering of mayonnaise.

I love me a good slathering. And a good slathering of mayonnaise is all the better. Let's all hail the genius of a one Karl Ford. After the photo shoot, the Lomvardos posted the photo on one of the walls of the restaurant. They say that they weren't really intending to sell the creature. Oh, right. They were just bragging? They're a restaurant! You think people aren't going to want that?! Of course they are! And they did!

Spiros must have read about the softheads in the US who always complain about how unhealthy something like this is because he did say, "“Obviously we wouldn’t recommend for someone to eat this every day. It’s not to be taken too seriously. It’s something that we would encourage on a special occasion for someone who wants to challenge themselves. It’s just a little bit of fun, really.” Brav-o, sir! Brav-o! My favorite part of that statement was the "obviously" because that's what I always think when something like this burbles up to the surface (probably in a vat of hot oil) in the US and the nutritionist Nazis come out in full force saying that if we eat that every day, we'll be dead by next Tuesday. Yes, we know that. Now please pipe down and pass the ketchup.

Here's the thing that is genius about Karl's burger: All of the ingredients go well with each other and there's not a lot of extra stuff and (here's the real genius) if you go light on the sauce and the mayonnaise, it won't be that big of a mess and is honestly, totally edible! NO problem! Look, I don't even eat beef and I think it looks fabulous! Hey. Wait a minute. I'm supposed to be against this sort of stuff. What am I doing lauding this man?! This creation?!

Oh, whew! I think I found just the thing to get me back on my cynical and disapproving track. According to the article, "If your stomach is strong enough to finish the burger, which comes with a side of traditional British chips, you even get a free Diet Coke to wash it all down with." Um, what? A Diet Coke?! THAT is what you're offering patrons who can eat a burger that measures 6-inches tall, weighs more than 3 pounds and weighs in at 2,645 calories, not to mention God only knows how much fat, sodium and cholesterol?!?! A bloody Diet Coke?!?! What is wrong with you people?! No cheap T-shirt?! No crappy bumper sticker?! No computer generated certificate that says "I finished an entire Super Scooby and all I got was this lousy piece of paper"? A Diet Coke?!?!

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Now That's A Hat

Watch the inauguration? Did you see change? I saw a whole lot stuff! Some stuff I definitely recognized as change. I saw President Barry as a guy who was cool and slick and having the time of his life, all the while with a slight look on his face that said, "Can you effing believe this?" That is total change from the guy that always sounded as if he was reading from a script that someone else wrote and handed to him ten seconds before he opened his mouth. President Barry was "change" from that! And that's awesome. Because I don't care who you are, if you're in the position that he was in, with millions (literally) of people standing ten deep in some places, screaming your name and you don't have a hit movie, TV show or an album? I couldn't effing believe that was happening and it wasn't even happening to me! I can only imagine how he felt! I'm pretty sure his life wasn't like that before he was President, so that too, seems like change. Now, the other stuff, well, I don't know if that stuff is "change" or not, but it's different! And I wish it would change. Soon. You know what I'm talking about. You know you saw it.

Did you see it? If you didn't see it, you heard about it, right? It was practically the first thing I heard about. (NO, I didn't miss any of it. I was on time (for once) to my place of viewing (Note to Barry: When you save this country's sorry ass and are re-elected in four years, could your next inauguration start a wee bit later. 9 am on the left coast is a little early. It's hard to get too riled up for change when your main concern is re-gaining consciousness via coffee and a muffin.) And when I saw it, I knew it couldn't be thrown into a post with all of the others. No, this needed to be addressed on it's own merit (if it had any). It was that big. Literally. You know what I mean. That's right. Aretha Franklin's hat. Behold.

Oh, what the hell is that? It looks like that hat was fashioned in a way similar to that of trussing a turkey. It's at least as large as a turkey! It's almost as large as Aretha. Did the Secret Service OK that hat, because I was thinking it could be a threat to national security. How is anyone going to see anything with that bobbing all over the place? It would have needed it's very own Secret Service agent. Hell, it needed it's own zip code. What is it trying to say? I know what I was trying to say when I saw it (as I did have a difficult time forming words at first)! Take. It. Off.

Now, to be sort of fair (well, observant, really), Aretha seems to have a pattern that I've noticed of wearing things that are not exactly what I would call "flattering" for a lady. Or for Aretha. She seems to wear things that are definitely one of a kind items that will draw a bit of attention from anyone with a camera (or a sketchpad). And she wears these things to events that will be seen by millions. She doesn't exactly blend in with the crowd is what I'm trying to say. (She is the crowd in a lot of cases. "A lot" meaning "all".) She is considered to be the "Queen of Soul", but from the looks of it, she could also be considered the California King of Soul as well. Behold!

That is a large woman wearing something that she should not be. And I am not making fun of the majorly girthed. She could have a slow metabolism, I realize that. Or no metabolism, from the looks of it. (From the looks of it, she might owe someone a metabolism or two.) But when you are a public figure or someone that the public knows who you are, you have to expect that people will a) notice you and b) pay attention to you when you're out. (I'm not saying it's fair or right, it's just how it is.) And if "a" and "b" are happening and you wear something like "the hat", expect that "a" and "b" will double or, in the case of Aretha, triple in size. It's just how it is.

But I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to make a point. And ask a few questions. I'll start with "What the hell?!" What's the thought process of someone choosing that hat? "Hmmm....I need something for the inauguration. I'm thinking something wool (hope it doesn't rain). Possibly gray, definitely with diamonds. I enjoy a large bow. Hmmm....if only there was a way to have all of those things combined into one very large inaugural hat outfit!" I can't imagine that's it. Nor can I imagine the thought process of someone making that hat. "Hmmm...I sure to have a lot of left over gray wool and little tiny diamonds. There's only enough here to make either one large hat or a bunch of studded blankets for the homeless shelter. What to do, what to do? Oh, my God! I know! Aretha!" I don't think that's it either.

It's what I call a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Moment Gone Awry. It is NOT two great things that go great together. It's two great things! Great big things! But they don't go great together. A lot of people have things end badly when they just assume that if both things are great that together they will be great. Not so, my friend. Not so.

But as a public figure, some people in the public do look to these events for ideas about fashion. After all, these are celebrities and if they're wearing it, it has to be good right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. That's my main problem with "the hat". First of all, if it's at the point that it is now where you can just say "the hat" and people know what you're talking about, something has gone terribly wrong. But second, what if people start thinking that "the hat" is "the style"? Seriously! That would be a problem! What if everyone went for "the hat" look? What would have happened if others had "the hat"? I'll show you! Ahem...Behold! What might have been!

Oh, well, that's not good. (Aw, Hill. Sorry ya lost. Before you start jaunting off to other lands as Secretary of State, you really must do something about that eye-popping thing you have going on when you're (acting) surprised to see someone. You're going to frighten foreign dignitaries. With or without the hat.)

That isn't much better. Ol' Bush senior up there with....is that the Quaker Oats guy? Oh, no. Whoops. Sorry. No, that's Mrs. Bush! Mrs. Got it.


Do you see what could have happened? Look at poor One Term Jimmy there sportin' the hat. Not a good look. It's just sad is what it is. (And I would really like to know more about the bloke in the lower left hand corner of that shot. What's with the red fedora, sir?

The really sad part about the photo above is that the hat actually looks like it's supposed to be on Barbara Bush. (Huh. Even after Jenna got hitched, her and Barbara still go everywhere together. Interesting. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that she can make that hat work.)

Arnold and Gavin up there look like a couple of old lesbians out for a day on the town. Either that or a couple of old lesbians sorting laundry.

Just look at John McCain below. Is it any wonder that he lost with that scowl? He looks as if he is either dying or about to have a movement the size of Mount Rushmore.

Look at those adorable little Obama girls. Fortunately, they have not been permanently marred by the hat. I firmly believe in the need to have our President's daughters hatless throughout the administration. Just say no. No to the hat.

President Barry is way too cool for the hat. And it was just wrong to have Abe try on the hat. Besides, he rocks the stovepipe all the way.

What have we learned? Plenty, that's right. First, if you're going to be in public, dress appropriately and I'm not just talking about "for the weather", either. Second, if we're ever a public figure, we need to take that responsibility seriously. And third, never, ever wear a freaking hat like Aretha's. Never. And finally, if you're going to change something, change your hat to something a little less conspicuous, a little smaller, something that won't draw so much attention to you and/or it. A fully inflated beach ball, perhaps.

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