That Isn't Going To Work

Today's waste of time is brought to you by a one Riverside County Supervisor named Jeff Stone. According to an article over yonder at the Huffington Post, Mr. Stone wants to chop California into two different parts. Basically, what we'd end up with is California and California Lite. And California Lite would get stuck with Fresno, so it's really hard to argue with the lines that have been theoretically drawn. And I'm OK with that, but it's never going to happen. Mr. Stone says that California in its current state, that of being a state, is too big to govern. In a way, he's right. However, it's more like that it's too big for the morons to govern. And the California legislature? Morons. Damn near every one of them. Paste eating, window licking morons. Mr. Stone might be an exception to that extremely subjective opinion, but I really have no idea.

Here's the thing: "No public funds can be spent on the budding secessionist movement." That's probably a good thing. You don't want people just all willy-nilly trying to secede from the state. I mean, if you could use public funds, I'd try and secede. That's right. Just me and my walled off compound. Cut us the heck out! But I digress. Here's the other thing: "...the U.S. Constitution says no new state can be formed without the consent of Congress and the state Legislature."

OK, do you think that's going to happen? I don't know for sure (even though I can't imagine that they'd go for it), but I'm going to guess that at least one of those groups wouldn't go for it. (It would mess up the pattern of stars on the flag to have to add another one. And 51 is just a weird number of states to have. I think that's why we've never officially added Puerto Rico. No one wants to mess up the flag.) Maybe this guy could at least get a feel for what successfully seceding would entail before he goes and wastes his time on this little project. And I'm also kind of interested in what sort of legislative role Mr. Stone envisions for himself in this new state. He doesn't exactly have a history of being the most stand-up guy. This is what the Examiner had to say about the man: "In November 1999, Temecula Mayor Jeff Stone, a pharmacist, agreed to a settlement with the State Board of Pharmacy over 20 accusations they had made alleging Stone had operated an unlicensed pharmacy, improperly labeled drugs and committed dishonesty, fraud, deceit and corruption. Under the settlement, Stone admitted to four of the charges, all of them minor, and reimbursed the pharmacy board and state attorney general's office a total of $10,000 for the cost of the investigation." Yeah, he seems like a great guy. I'm sure that all of this collecting money from private donors is on the up and up. Sure. It won't end poorly at all. Nope. Not at all.

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Holy Crap

My brain melted after viewing this: http://www.usdebtclock.org/

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Half-Cocked Signage

Will Smith has a new movie coming out. Now, if you're in, say, London, it's entirely possible that you could learn about the plot of this movie in a completely different fashion than if you were in, say, the US. See, if you were in the US and you learned about Smith's new film, you'd know that it's called 'Hancock" and it's about an alcoholic superhero who is hated by the public. (Of course. No one likes a drunken superhero.) You'd know that after he saves the life of PR executive Ray Embrey (who is played, interestingly enough, by Jason Bateman), Embrey attempts to rehabilitate the drunken superhero's public image. (Step one: Stop getting drunk. Step two: Be more super.) As a way of showing his gratitude, Hancock has an affair with Embrey's wife (played by the very hot and extremely luscious Charlize Theron). Nice. What a d**k.

But see, look at how long that took me to explain. I mean, it wasn't terribly long, but it was more than it would have taken those chaps over in London at Leicester Square where the movie was premiering. For some reason, the blokes putting up the lettering for the sign started at the back. They apparently needed some sort of a break about halfway through this chore and so they took one, leaving their job half finished, but still conveying the basic premise of the main character in the movie.

And that seems to sum up the main character. Totally different delivery of the exact same message. And although a bit more vague, I think Ilike their method a bit more than those used in the US. Yeah, little bit.

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I'm A Dinner Jacket

President Bush had issued a statement in regard to what the US (which somehow became the world's policeman, defeater of evil and the enforcer of truth and justice) has in mind when and if the time comes to deal with Iran. See, the deal with Iran, aside from them hating us (and our not being overly fond of them. Yeah, that hostage thing in '79 really hurt some feelings.) is that Iran is run by a crazy person.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the President of Iran. His name can be difficult to pronounce, so here's a little tip. First name: Mah-MOOD. You can remember that by thinking about your mood at the time or you can pretend your mother is a cow and she just mooed. Your choice. Last name: Ahmadinejad. The easiest way to remember how to pronounce that is that it sounds remarkably similar to "I'm a Dinner Jacket". Ah-ma-dinn-e(r)-jahd(ket). I'm a Dinner Jacket. Granted, he's always wearing that sporty Members Only windbreaker all the time and NOT a dinner jacket, but you'll immediately sense something is wrong if you hear yourself uttering the words, "Mahmoud MembersOnlyDahd."

President Bush said that "all options are on the table" when it comes to options for dealing with Iran if they insist on continuing to build a nuclear weapon while they are denying that they are building a nuclear weapon. Now, before I get into the "all options are on the table", a word about the nuclear weapon building going-ons in Iran. While a sand country run by a crazy man is never a good situation no matter who you are, you have to assess the situation within the context that it occurs. In this case, the competency and effectiveness of the nuclear weaponry building in Iran. Here is a photo from Time magazine which depicts a couple of Iranian "scientists" (I'm using that term loosely. They could be the janitors for all I know.) working on a "reactor". (Again, using the term loosely. VERY loosely.) What the hell is it?

While it's definitely a good idea to be concerned about Iran or any other sand country with a crazy leader getting a nuclear weapon, the picture above definitely means that I won't be losing any sleep over it. Let's see, the floor is glowing purple, there is a red splotch on the wall, a folding chair or table against the other wall, towels on the floor and two guys wearing janitor coveralls with head coverings that were probably used during the filming of the OR scene in the last M*A*S*H episode. Yep, I sleep just fine after seeing that.

So nothing is off the table, eh, GW? That's good. Because there are a lot of ways that we have to choose from to settle this thing and I have some suggestions.

• Rock, Paper, Scissors (Someone explain to GW that "scissors" is not the same as "gun".)



• Potato sack races (preferably on the White House lawn)
  
  


• Battleship (If Battleship isn't available, you can always play US Nuclear Warship vs. Iranian tugboats. Same outcome.)
  



• H.O.R.S.E. (Across the desert, over Tehran, off a couple of turbans, nothing but net.)
  
  



• Who can hold their breath the longest? (They both have so much hot air, this one could take a while.)

• And what is definitely my first choice and what could possibly be my all time favorite: Guitar Hero Showdown!

OK, seriously, how cool would that be? Very, that is correct. Look, I kid, but really, the last thing we need is a repeat of "The Attempted Democracizing of the Middle East Through the Overthrow of a Crazy Dictator" debacle of yore. So although all options are on the table, could you guys at least just TRY the Guitar Hero thing? Just once? It can't hurt. Hey, the Aerosmith version comes out this month! Maybe wait for that and then play? (Oh, hey, that's right. That release IS later this month. Hmmm....Well, not only could Guitar Hero - Aerosmith be responsible for two countries coming together, it could also end up being responsible for the temporary disappearance of a certain blogger. But in only the most awesome of ways that only Guitar Hero can provide.)

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