The Day After Christmas Craziness

Wow. The day after Christmas and suddenly things are just running amok everywhere. Since I'm still fortified by my holiday egg nog (which, if you cannot read a newspaper through the glass of nog, it's not strong enough), I'll just briefly touch on a few of these rather than throwing a full blown tirade over each one. (For now. There's always tomorrow.)

First up, we have some jackass on Northwest Flight 253 who allegedly (translation: he did it) tried to blow up the plane by attempting to ignite explosives which he had brought onto the plane. Flight 253 was destined for Detroit, having originated in Nigeria, and had 278 passengers and 11 crew members aboard. While this could have been absolutely disastrous had the man succeeded, what struck me as even more amazing was that there were 278 people in Nigeria that wanted to go to Detroit! How does that work, exactly?

According to the account by the huffy folks over at the Huffington Post, the plan was thwarted when "...travelers who smelled smoke and heard what sounded like firecrackers rushed to subdue him." Afterwards "...the suspect was taken to the front of the plane with his pants cut off and his legs burned." (That is known around here as "Friday night".)

Really, all of the circumstances of the whole ordeal are pretty murky, so it's hard to say if this guy was working for ol' Weird Beard over there in Sand Land (Translation: Osama bin Laden in Pakistan) or if he was just a plain ol' lone nutjob. But in the wake of this, you can expect "heightened security" at airports. Just what exactly that means, no one really knows. I'm going to have to guess because they really don't do anything. How were they going to prevent this? They like to tell us (in a ineffective reassuring fashion) that all passengers pass through metal detectors. Yeah, that's not going to help much with the bomb-y folks carry chemicals, now is it? Nope. Not going to help a bit.

And if there isn't better security in these foreign lands, that's not going to help much either. According to the article cited above, in Nigeria "Uniformed federal police officers often focus their time on keeping hagglers and taxi drivers out." Hagglers? Like street vendors? Like hot dog cart dudes? THOSE are the folks that the federal police officers in Nigeria are concerned about?! Tell you what folks? What say you let me fend off the guy trying to get me to buy a poncho or a shawl and you have the federal police officers try and keep nutjobs with bombs off of the planes, all right? All right.

Speaking of nutjobs, some woman managed to jump on or at (it's really not overly clear to me) the Pope just before he was getting ready to do his Christmas Day shout out to his peeps. According to those across the pond at The Daily Mail "Susanna Maiolo, 25, a Swiss-Italian national with psychiatric problems" jumped over a rail as the Pope walked down the aisle. The thing that amazes me is that she tried the same thing last year. (By the way, I really appreciate the Daily Mail folks characterizing her as one with "psychiatric problems". I find that refreshing. Here in the States, that would have read "with an alleged history of possible mental health issues". That's because our media coddles. The media also sucks. Sucks and coddles. Hmm. That's really not a bad name for a band, you know. Whoops. Sorry. I digress. Anyway....)

The Pope wasn't hurt but French Cardinal Roger Etchegaray fell down and broke either his femur or his hip. I've read accounts of both (because the media sucks, that is correct).

Since this woman pulled the same stunt last year, she was known to folks at the Vatican. People really stand up and take note when you jump out at the Pope. And a senior source at the Vatican (aren't they all seniors over there? From what I can tell, the average age is about 92.) said 'The fact this woman is known and was still able to get through security is very, very serious." Has anyone checked to see if she's had recent contact with the Salahis? Just wondering.

The article also mentioned that "All the people who were inside St Peter's had invitations and so would have had to be checked and give their names." Again, Salahis? Anyone? Anyone? But then I saw the photos of the crowd at St. Peter's. You know. That crowd with "invitations"? Behold!

Yeah, right. How do you send out invitations to that many people? How do you verify and/or check that many people and their invitations? I don't think that you can. I'm guessing that you don't. Oh, it's a good line to spew out in cases like this, but I just don't think it's possible. (No offense to the Pope, the Vatican, and/or God.) Then again, I also saw the photo below and have concluded that perhaps in the future, maybe the Vatican doesn't want to employ the court jester as a guard. Behold!

But the statement that indicated that this sort of thing is likely to happen again was when that senior Vatican source said, "This woman was able to get through these checks as well as the airport style metal detectors." Um, sir? Pope co-worker man? Yeah, see, when you're attacking someone, you don't need any metal. I can be metal free and jump on anyone who walks by me. A metal detector isn't going to change that. I appreciate the effort, but that was really weak.

And finally, we learn from the Washington Post that while President Barry and the family went to Hawaii for the holidays, Bo the dog did not accompany them on their vacation. The reason being is that, "Hawaii is rabies-free. Hawaii's quarantine law is designed to protect residents and pets from potentially serious health problems associated with the introduction and spread of rabies." Now, while I understand all of that, they sure do take it rather seriously. (I know that there are rabid animals on the mainland, but are they problematic? Sure, we'd like there to not be rabid animals, but is it such a big deal that is why Hawaii has these seemingly overly stringent rules on animals coming over for a little fun in the sun?)

Basically, if your animal is under 10 months old, there's no way that the animal can be brought to the islands and released to you (as animals usually are) without being quarantined for 120 days. That's right. Animals coming into Hawaii, if they haven't met a boatload of requirements, must be quarantined for 120 days. Wow. Now, while I can understand why the islanders would want to keep the islands "rabies free" how many people are really taking their potentially rabid dog to Hawaii with them? I'm guessing not many. I'm guessing not many at all. And 120 days seems rather excessive. Then again, those folks live in Hawaii. I can't imagine that they're in much of a rush to do anything really.

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Helping Priests Through Porn?

Did you hear the one about the porn star who was giving advice to the Pope? Yeah, I only wish it was a joke. UN-fortunately, it's not.

Down under there in Australia they are currently celebrating World Youth Day. World Youth Day was introduced by Pope John Paul II in 1984 and it is a huge ass, youth-oriented celebration of the Catholic faith that takes place once every couple of years or so at an international level. This year's level? Australia. (Glad you were paying attention.) And the Pope will be there. So will Belladonna.

Belladonna is a 27 year old porn star who has traveled from her home in the US to Australia to give the pontiff a little bit of advice about that nasty little priest-sex-scandal-thing that's been going on within the Catholic Church for a while now. Correct. The porn star (star of over 250 X-rated movies, at that!) is giving the Pope some tips on how to deal with all of the Father McFeeleys that have popped up (not literally! Sheesh!) lately. Um, and how is that? Exactly?

See, while Belladonna did come down to Australia to continue the international reach of her porn star-ness, she's also going to help the frustrated priests as long as she's in town. This according to stuff.co.nz. She held a press conference yesterday to address this topic. (OK, wait. Can just ANYONE down in Australia hold a press conference? HOW does a porn star just have a press conference? Are we taking the porn star seriously all of a sudden? Does the porn star hold the all elusive answer as to how to get priests to stop boning the altar boys? I doubt it. So why the press conference? I don't get it.)

During the porn press production, Belladonna stated, "The Pope has indicated he might apologise to victims of sexual abuse and that is a positive thing to do, but unless he follows up with some practical advice that addresses the sexual needs and desires of clergy, the problem will simply continue. Church clergy are at a crisis because they get no real street-level sex education but are expected to ply the streets to deliver their spiritual message." Huh. So I guess that anyone can hold a press conference in Australia. Interesting.

I'm a bit confused. The clergy are sexing up the young boys in their congregations because they "get no real street-level sex education"? (Why do I have the feeling that Belladonna is a huge Rolling Stones fan? "I...can't...get no.....real street-level sex education sa-tis-fac-tion.") What does that even mean? Having sex? Well, NO! They can't have that; they're priests! It's in their contract. They know what they're getting into!

And this "plying of the streets" that the horny priests are supposedly doing, what is that exactly? She makes it sound as if there are just throngs of people fornicating in the streets and these poor, unsexed up priests have to keep stepping over them as they deliver the word of God! And, in the process, the priests become quite horny themselves as a result. Spare me.

Belladonna, a leading expert of theological reform, who is currently practicing her theories within the adult film industry also stressed that the priests, ".....needed to know how to distinguish a sexual fetish or fantasy from real-life sex." DO they? Do you really think that they don't know what IS real life sex and what is NOT real life sex? Even if you've never had sex before, you can kind of get a gist for when it's the real deal or not. I highly doubt that's really an issue. And even if it was, what is she going to do about it?

Oh, God, I'm sorry I asked. Again, according to stuff.co.nz. "Belladonna has offered 300 of her own films to the Catholic Church in Australia for distribution to priests." I just want to know if she's going to put them in the collection plates.

"She also has offered to donate some of her own time to help set up a "meaningful set of exercises for priests to help them deal with sexual tension and stress". A "meaningful set of exercises?" Let me guess....like...push ups? On top of you, Belladonna? Yeah, I thought so.

And according to the Eros Foundation (they would be the national adult retail and entertainment association in Australia. Does the US have one of those? Or do we just use the Internet and call it good?), they say that "The sex industry could help the Catholic priests and, particularly, the Pope." Hmmm. Hey, I'm not Catholic and don't really want to be, so I'm not really all that qualified to be giving an opinion which is firmly based on fact, but I'm going to give one that's firmly based on opinion and some pretty good logic. Ready? Um, no. No, you CAN'T help the priests and you CAN'T help the Pope even more! What is wrong with people?

Listen, sex and porn can't solve everything. (Oh, don't get me wrong. They can solve a lot of things, if only temporarily! But they can't solve everything and they certainly can't solve this.) And look, if you're a porn star and that's what you do, well, OK then. I guess. But really, you're going to have to do your porn stuff away from all of the priest and Pope stuff. Just leave the priests and the Pope out of the porn. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.) Porn and Popes don't mix. Ever.

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Pope Dope

So when I was over there at news.com.au trying to figure out all of the insanity around their fairy tale warning labels, I saw this link: 10 Things About The Pope Well, that sounded good. I don't know a lot about Popes. When Pope John Paul II was around, you couldn't help but know stuff about him. Usually it was only the basics (rides around in the Popemobile, got shot once, is Catholic, etc.) but at least it was something. But the new guy? I don't know that much about him. (Obviously. I mean, I called him 'the new guy'.) So what am I going to learn? "Find out the Pope's position on the big issues including: cats vs dogs, beer or wine and what sport is best. " Wait What?

Cats and dogs? That's a "big issue" that I need to know where the Pope stands?! It IS?? Wow. Things sure have changed since the Pope days of yore as I knew them. I guess I'd better get busy and starting learning a few things about...what's his name again? Man, John Paul II was easy to remember, but this guy...it always takes me a minute. Oh, wait. Got it. Pope Eggs Benedict Arnold. That's right. ( You'd think I'd remember that. It's rather unusual.)

• He's may be Pope Benedict XVI, but he's going to be known as Pope 2.0 pretty soon as he's the first Pope to use a cell phone. (And I am dying to know who the POPE calls!) The Pope has an iPod engraved with his coat of arms. (Fancy.) He has an online fan club. Pope 2.0 also emails. (And, similar to my question about the cell phone, WHO is he emailing?)
  
  
• The Pope plays the piano and likes classical music - particularly Mozart, Bach and Beethoven. (Is anyone shocked by his tastes in music? Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying. Though I don't really see how this is a "big issue" that the teaser headline implied I'd be learning about.)
  
  
• Good news! (I guess. I don't know.) The Pope likes cats! He never actually HAD a cat when he was growing up, BUT he and his brother Georg fed stray cats. They also collected cat plates (which, for the purposes of the article, apparently, lends credibility to the Pope being a "cat lover").

• The Pope sports some mighty spiffy looking (and kinda gay looking) red shoes which are reminiscent of Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz". Apparently, the red shoes have not been seen in the Pope-dom since "the early days of Pope John Paul II" (so, what? 1980? Oooh.) Somewhere along the line, it became rumored that the shoes were Prada (which, I guess, is a big deal in the fashion world. I find it hard to believe it would be a big deal in the Pope world.). Turn out, the media got that one wrong (shocker, I know) and the red shoes were made by Gepetto the Pope's personal cobbler.
  
  
• The Pope loves beer and Franziskaner Weissbeer is his favorite. .He also likes lemonade, according to the article. (One has nothing to do with the other. I don't know why they threw in the lemonade part. I'm now anticipating learning of his favorite food, his favorite movie and whether or not he watches "Wheel of Fortune".) Here's to you, Mister Long Robes, Red Shoes, Papal Pope Guy.
  
  
• The Pope likes soccer! The Pope wants soccer to be his ambassador to the world. Wait. What? He has said, "I'd like the game of football to be a vehicle for the education of the values of honesty, solidarity and fraternity, especially among younger generations." And HOW is it going to do that, exactly?
  
  
• The Pope always wanted to be a cardinal. We're going to have to assume that means the religious figure and not the bird. (But does that mean he doesn't want to be Pope? Or does it mean he still wants to be a bird?).
  
  
• Joseph Ratzinger, the father of the Pope, was a police officer in Bavaria (home of the cream pie). The Pope's brother Georg is a priest. The Pope's sister Maria died in 1991. (Didn't Joseph Ratzinger play Cliff on 'Cheers'? Wait, that was John Ratzenberger. Never mind. So close.)
  
  
• German politician Georg Ratzinger was the Pope's uncle. (Hey, we ran out of the "big issues" we were supposed to be learning about right after...oh....looks like we haven't learned anything about the "big issues". But we have learned plenty about the mundane and idiotic issues and there's still one to go!)
  
  
• In 1943, the Pope was drafted into the German army. He was also in the Hitler Youth movement. (While being in something called the "Hitler Youth Movement" does sound bad, it's not quite as bad as it sounds. It was pretty much mandatory for German youths to sign up/enroll in the Hitler Youth Movement, so he kind of didn't really choose that for himself.
  
  
• While in the Hitler Youth Movement, the Pope learned the following skills: Marching, bayonet drills, grenade throwing, trench digging, map reading, gas defenses, use of dugouts, how to get under barbed wire and pistol shooting. All of which I'm sure will come in mighty handy now that he's Pope.
  
  
• And even though it says that they learned pistol shooting, the Pope did not because he had an infected finger. (The Pope sounds like he might have been a little wussy as a lad.)
  

OK, so that told us nothing about the "big issues". It barely told us anything about issues. It sort of implied that the Pope might have some issues, but that still wasn't the intended purpose. It did tell us more than we needed to know or wanted to know about the Pope himself, though. I'm going to just add a few of my own to this seemingly random selection of papal facts here, just to round off the list a bit.

• The Pope bears a striking resemblance to Uncle Fester from The Addams Family.
  
  

• With outfits like this one, it's entirely possible that the Pope is Amish. Gay and Amish.
  

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Youth Doesn't Mean Dead, Does It?

Have you heard of World Youth Day? Me neither. World Youth Day (the WYD) is the largest youth event in the world. Thus it's probably purely coincidental and extremely convenient that it is named World Youth Day. That's one of the very few aspects of this event that makes sense. The rest? Eh. Not so much all the time.

If I'm holding WYD, let's say in my backyard, I'm going to pick a day on which the youth of the world can gather as that is what the name implies. That's not how it works. This year, World Youth DAY will be in Sydney, Australia from July 15th to July 20th. That's SIX days. Not ONE. Six. So it's really World Youth Week, but they went with 'Day' instead. I don't know why and no one is talking.

So at the weeklong World Youth Day, the basic premise is that the event is an invitation from the Pope to all the youth of the world to celebrate their faith around a particular theme. Now, why "celebrating faith" isn't a "theme" by itself is, once again, unknown to me and, once again, no one is talking. The "theme" for 2008 is "'You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses.' Acts 1:8" What? Power? What kind? X-ray vision? The ability to bend steel? Super speed? Communicate with animals? Huh. This might be a bit more interesting than I had first thought.

Apparently, if you attend WYD, you are considered to be a 'pilgrim'. OK. I guess. This year, the WYD is expecting 225,000 registered pilgrims, of which, 125,000 are international pilgrims. There will be about 100,000 Australian pilgrims, with 40,000 of those being Sydney pilgrims. The pilgrims will eat about 3.5 million meals and over 100,000 pilgrims will sleep in 700 schools and parishes, which is approximately 142 ppp (pilgrims per parish). And at the Final Mass, it is expected that up to 500,000 pilgrims will attend.

OK, I don't know why they're calling this WYD instead of ALFPD (A Lot of (Fine) Pilgrims Day). Holy crap. (I'm envisioning a sea of black hats, white bibs and big, shiny buckles.) They didn't have that many pilgrims OR the Pope at the first Thanksgiving and that was a pretty big deal! But WYD gets Pope Benedict XVI (yes, the inventor of the tasty breakfast dish, Eggs Benedict, that is correct.). Below is a picture of Pope Benedict XVI. He is apparently a distant relative of the Quaker Oats guy.

But here's where it starts to get a little weird. Apparently, this year, "the body of an inspirational Catholic who died in 1925" will be flown in for WYD. Um, I'm not thinking WYD so much as I am WTF at this point. Huh?

Pier Giorgio Frassati was 24 when he died from polio. Somehow, he "has become a role model for young Catholics because of his fervent faith, teamed with good looks, a robust physique and sunny nature. " Wait. I thought the Pope was the role model. And this guy is dead and has been for 83 years?! How is HE a role model? To the left is a picture of Pier. (He does appear strapping, now, doesn't he?)

I find it odd (at the very least) that some Italian guy who was 24 when he died 83 years ago is the "role model" for "World Youth Day". 107 doesn't seem to exemplify the term "youth". Neither does "dead" for that matter. And he might have had "good looks and a robust physique" back in the 1920s, but I can hardly believe that is the case today. Yes, the pictures shown here do depict a fine looking man, but just remember, those pictures were taken over 83 years ago when he was alive! And as far as "sunny nature", um, that guy hasn't seen the sun in quite some time! Why is this a good idea? What am I missing?

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