Selective Diversity in Advertising

I'm thinking that if you're a company that markets its product to just about every conceivable demographic that there is, what say you either increase your advertising budget so that you can create custom ads tailored to each particular group or that you just hire people who can use Photoshop in such a way that your end result doesn't look like you used Photoshop. Either way, whatever you do, don't airbrush out the black guy and Photoshop in a white guy. (BONUS TIP: Don't use your competitors products in your ads as if they are your products. Realllllllly awkward.)

Here's the scoop: Microsoft ran a photo ad for Microsoft's business productivity software on their website. The photo shows three people in some sort of business meeting. There's an Asian guy, a black guy and a white woman. All three appear to be just giddy with interest at whatever the woman is doing there with her little remote thing. I'm guessing she's not looking for a ball game, which is unfortunate. (Nothing makes the work day go by faster like watching some ball.) Behold!

Now, if you just glance at the photo, I doubt anything in particular is going to jump out at you. But if you look at it for a minute, you might notice that something just doesn't seem right. There's something amiss(and it's not the chick). For instance, the guy in the middle, why does he have a big ol' jack-o'lantern head there? It's way too big for that body that it's on. And the guy on the end? Where's the rest of his hand?!

I also can't figure out why everyone only has one hand above the table and the other hand below the table (God sees everything!), but maybe it's just some weird policy HR implemented. I really don't know. But we'll get back to the oddities in a minute. Before we do that, we're going to take a stroll over to the Polish version of the same Microsoft site which is advertising the same product with the same photo. Er, uh, well....it's almost the same photo. They had to change few things, starting with Pumpkin Gourd there in the middle. Behold!

Oh. Well. That's...um...different. Sooooooo....they really needed a white guy, eh? What gives? No one is really quite sure, but the general consensus seems to be that it was not racism. Thank God that Al Sharpton is all tied up with exploiting Michael Jackson's death to get involved in this one. If Jacko hadn't been using some sort of an equivalent to an elephant tranquilizer to get to sleep permanently, we could very well have been subjected to the Reverend Al and his Long, Long List of Things Racist White People Do INCLUDING Photoshopping out all black tech workers in Poland! But the take from folks in Poland was that there are very few black people in Poland and Microsoft was probably trying to create an ad that reflected the culture over there. And fair enough. But couldn't they have found a competent photo editor to recreate that culture?

The ad has so many things wrong with it, it's really hard to know where to start. Even though the black guy became much whiter (and a considerable amount younger as well), all of him didn't become whiter, as his hand is still that of the black guy. Behold!

Seriously, how do you miss something like that if you're the one doing the editing? Wouldn't it have just been easier to get another stock photo and make two different ads? I'm thinking it would have, but what do I know? I've always been white. Kind of like that computer. I don't recall Microsoft based computer products coming with that nifty white finish that the laptop in the photo is sporting. No, the only laptops that I recall seeing come in white were.....oh. Macs. Again....awk-ward.

They sure didn't try very hard to cover up that it's a Mac in the photo. Why would they do that? Was it someone's last day? Was there a surge in the hiring of the mentally handicapped? Free food in the lunchroom? I don't get it. You're advertising Microsoft products and you're displaying a Mac. Nice job, Mac-hole! Too bad someone couldn't have explained that concept to said awful, hopefully now unemployed, Photoshop guy. Perhaps at the same time they could have explained that you need to have your peripherals plug INTO something!

Why does the woman's keyboard have a cord that goes to absolutely nothing? Why do the legs of the man (in whichever color) in the middle not seem to line up with where his body is? The woman's left eye (so the one on your right) seems awfully dilated; is she having a stroke? She might be as the front of her jacket there is awfully dark in that one area. Perhaps a stronger anti-perspirant might have been a better choice that morning? (Or maybe just an employee who knows how to use Photoshop.) The whole bloody thing is just a freakin' mess. But it's not like this is the first time that a company's ad was horribly edited. There have been others. Hoo-boy have there been.

Then there was another Microsoft ad, this one for Office. The picture they're using is like some sort of M.C. Escher inspired track runner. Where does he start? Where does he end? Where is the never ending staircase on his head?

Take this gem from both ASUS and MSI who, apparently, both decided to use the same stock photo for their ad. MSI, however, decided to enhance theirs just a bit. I'm guessing because they have a huge client base of elves.

There was this ad for the Lexar Professional 8GB. It was the step up from the 4GB. Unfortunately, the Photoshop job didn't take that same step up. (Note to self: Always check the shadows.)

But I think that my favorite is probably this ad for a computer desk. Thanks for PC World for highlighting this bit of amusement for me. Judging from the size of the monitor and the style of the clothing (not to mention the Bowl Extreme haircut on the blond chap there), I'm guessing we're looking at a preview of the first budding Internet porn addict.

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Still About Nothing

It's here! It's here! The new phone book new Microsoft commercial with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld is here! It's been a week since the last one. Let's hope this one doesn't suck too.

I said, let's hope this one doesn't suck too! DOESN'T suck! Does not suck! Are you listening? Microsoft? Bill? Jerry? Aw, crap, no one heard that. I can tell because it kind of sucked.

When we last left two of the richest and most accomplished people on the planet (as the commercials are not allowing us to forget), they were shopping for pleather Conquistador shoes at Shoe Circus in the mall whilst chomping on churros. The commercial appeared to have absolutely nothing to do with Microsoft or what message they were trying to get across or anything like that. And appearances were everything as it was confirmed by Microsoft after that commercial aired that it was, in true Seinfeld form, a show about nothing. I was hoping the next commercial would be about something. It kind of was. Something sucky.

We pick up the tale of two bazillionaires at the home of a "typical" suburban family. "Typical" if you have the nerdy Dad (who kind of looks like Gary Burghoff on crack) and the geeky Mom and three teenage or close to teenage children who are smarter than the parents. You also need to have the elderly relative, in this case the grandmother, who is largely ignored by the family and put to work doing various household chores like laundry, tree felling and auto repair. Oh, and Grandma is also required to have a bit of a mouth on her. If you have all of those components, then you have the "typical" family which consists of "real" people.

I don't see a lot of "real" people like that around in my "real" life. I think that's because if that were "really" someone's "real" life, they would have killed themselves by now. But for some reason (which, of course, is never explained to us), Bill and Jerry are staying with these folks to get an idea of what it's like to be real. As Jerry puts it, "You and I are a little out of it. You’re living in some kinda moon house hovering over Seattle like the mother ship. I’ve got so many cars I get stuck in my own traffic. We need to connect with real people." Thanks for reminding us of how rich you are. What's up with the next installment of Windows so we can all ditch that POS Vista?

That answer won't come for a while if this ad is any indication. While more enjoyable than the previous attempt at hip advertising, it was also more lengthy. Four and a half minutes. That's right; three times longer than the other POS. Look, if you're going to be showing me a commercial that is four and a half minutes long, it's going to have to have some of that Pixar animation going for it. The Toy Story guys, Shrek, I don't care, but it can't just have people. People? They're the worst!

Throughout the elongated attempt at what is supposed to be a 30 second commercial, there were plenty of opportunities to incorporate elements of Installment Number One into the ad. Sadly, none of those opportunities were taken. They missed out on the chance to do things like:

• When Jerry was explaining to Bill how they needed to "connect" with people,there was Bill still flexing the pleather shoe because, as we learned in Confusing, But At Least Not This Long, Episode One, the Conquistador shoe "runs a little tight". No mention of the Conquistador at all. (It would have been more amusing to have that Hispanic family that had been watching through the window of Shoe Circus to watch them from the window of this family's home. But no, that didn't happen. Shame.) They can't even connect with the elements of these commercials. How do they think that they're going to connect with "real people"?
  
  
• Not to spoil the ending, but the turning point is when the family heirloom (of six years), a leather giraffe from Cabo San Lucas, turns up missing. See, now what would have been funny is if the giraffe had been made of pleather. Like the Conquistador. But no, that didn't happen either. Shame.

Also, I noticed something odd when they had Chinese food delivered. The kid that delivers the Chinese food? Let's talk about him for a minute. Am I the only one who thinks that he looks like the illegitimate love child of Jerry and Bill (and Carrot Top, but that would make three people involved in an unnatural mating of the male species and frankly, that would start to get a little weird.). Seriously, look at that guy. Total combination of both Jerry and Bill. Thus, I was a little disappointed when they basically stiffed their little bastard and went back in the house to enjoy their far East fast all by themselves. I'm hoping it's some sort of foreshadowing for a future episode, but I can't imagine they're going to start getting all clever on us now.

And the only words that the Chinese food delivery Gates/Seinfeld hybrid love child utters during his delivery are words to again remind us that these guys have a lot of money that they earned from doing what they both do best (which is NOT star in commercials). He says, ""Whoa. Two of the most accomplished guys in their respected fields on earth. $39.75, dudes." Jerry paid the guy with a Greek coin. What, no tip, Mr. Funnyman Bazillionaire Dude?

When we mercifully get to the end of this endless ad, Jerry wants a sign from Bill about the future of something. He's not real clear (though he does mention a frog and a fish). Last time it was "adjust your shorts." This time it's "Gimme a little robot." (No, that is not a euphemism.) He should have just been able to say "Gimme the sign" and had Bill adjust his shorts. But no, instead we have Bill Gates doing the robot on an empty stretch of suburban road leading to...somewhere.

It would appear that we are going to be constantly reminded that Bill has connected over a billion people? We know that, but really, Bill doesn't even seem to care so much about that stuff these days. He's busy with his foundation and doing stuff that matters. I mean, the guy got us all started, we can't minimize that. He got the whole Windows/computer thing up and running and made us all a part of his world. A world that he had probably envisioned since birth. That's the guy, right there, the one doing the robot, who had the vision along with another guy (Hey, yeah, that's right. Where's Paul Allen during all of this? Eh, probably hanging out with Steve Wozniak.) that would change the world. And he did. And we all KNOW that. Tell us something we DON'T know, like if these things are going to start making sense.

So Bill does the robot as they are walking down the street towing their handy luggage on wheels behind them. Jerry asks, "Where are we walking to?" And Bill responds, "What about that pink house over there?" And then it ends with the words "PERPETUALLY CONNECTING" morphing together to form the word "PC" and then, thankfully it's over. Finally. My God, that was long. Four and a half minutes. Really? Look, Jerry, I know that you used to do that little show of yours about nothing for 30 minutes every week, but you had a supporting cast. And lots of jokes about masturbation and women's names that rhyme with a certain part of the female anatomy. But you've got none of that here (and I really don't think that we need any of that where ever Bill Gates is involved) and so four and a half minutes of you and Bill and a bunch of people we've never seen before is a bit much. Build up to that length of time gradually, please. You're only two into this ordeal. Which reminds me, how many of these are there going to be?

While some aspects of this ad were better than the last one, that's not saying much. The last one was pretty bad. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. My new BFF, Maria, over there at the LA Times Blog, wasn't real thrilled with either one of these advertising oddities either (and also wonders "Why do they keep reminding us, for example, about how much money Seinfeld and Gates have compared to ordinary people?" So it's not just me!) But now they're headed over to a pink house. Perhaps we'll run into John Mellencamp over there next. It couldn't hurt.

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Where Don't You Want To Go Today?

Not that I was looking for vindication or anything, but it's nice to know that I wasn't the only one who thought that Microsoft's ad with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates (munching churros after shopping for pleather, size 10 Conquistador shoes at Shoe Circus) was absolutely, positively craptastic. What's not nice to know is that some people actually enjoyed it. Those are people who will believe the hype about anything. It doesn't matter what it is, if it's hyped enough before it actually happens, then to a certain group of people (the soft-headed, the gullible, Floridians, etc.) it will be the most amazing thing that they have ever seen. I blame those guys who made The Blair Witch Project. Duped the whole damn country with that promo.

But back to Tom Bill and Jerry. After the 90-second craptacular had aired, so many people were scratching their heads and thinking, "WTF was that?" that Microsoft released a statement that was supposed to explain WTF that was. And while it did explain WTF is was, it did not do a very good job of explaining WTF they were thinking. (Remember: $300 million in advertising for an ad campaign where one of the ads ends with Bill Gates shaking his tuckus like a geeky rabbit. That being said, I think that "WTF were they thinking?" is a totally appropriate question.)

(By the way, if you're expecting this explanation to be some sort of revelation, you're going to be really disappointed.)

The statement from Microsoft starts out with, "....some may wonder what Jerry Seinfeld helping Bill Gates pick out a new pair of shoes has to do with software. (SOME? You think only some were wondering that? No wonder you guys need help.) The answer, in the classic Seinfeld sense of the word, is nothing. (Wait. What?) Nevertheless, the spot is the first and most visible sign of an ambitious effort by Microsoft’s Windows business to reconnect with consumers around the globe." Um, huh. Well, I don't rightly know what to say about that. Other than, are you freaking kidding me?!

Picking out the shoes has nothing to do with software, but "nevertheless" it's the first sign that you are trying to reconnect with people? So, it doesn't matter what "the sign" is, as long as we know that you mean well, that's good enough? I've got news for you, Microsoft. It's not good enough. It's not even good. And I think we've had enough. Please tell us you've blown through that $300 million already so we won't have to be subjected to more of this ridiculousness. No such luck.

The statement from Microsoft is rather long. I'm thinking that if they had made their commercial about something instead of nothing, they wouldn't need a statement. I thought that's what the ad was supposed to do...make a statement. But apparently all the ad is supposed to do is cause people to get online (probably with their Mac) and try to figure out WTF they just saw. Completely opposite of most of the ads that I see. They're usually self explanatory and don't need CliffsNotes.

"The new campaign will highlight how Windows has become an indispensible part of the lives of a billion people around the globe -- not only on PCs but also now online and via mobile devices." Yep, they're right. That commercial had nothing at all to do with that. And thank goodness it didn't. I'd hate to think that crap was highlighting how "indispensible" Microsoft was in my life. You know what I DO find to be "indispensible", Microsoft? That's right, Spell Check! It's "indispensable", not "indispensible" like it appears in your carefully crafted PressPass Statement. (You're not doing yourself any favors here! You already have the non-mainstream comedian guy, a couple of churros and size 10 Conquistadors, which run tight! Clearly, you have your hands full with that debacle right there, you don't need to add spelling errors to the mix!)

"These initial ads are the first in a creative campaign....designed to spark a conversation about the Windows brand – a conversation that will evolve as the campaign progresses, but will always be marked by humor and humanity." Oh, the conversation has already evolved! From anticipation to dumbfoundedness. That's evolution for ya, baby. As far as the humor goes? Not so much. But, the humanity? Oh, the humanity! (I couldn't resist.)

A one Bill Veghte, who is the Senior Vice President for Microsoft Online Services & Windows Business Group., says, "Windows is entering a new chapter in our history. We’re renewing our commitment to consumers and working with our partners to deliver quality and value on the PC, across devices and across the Web.” Oh, yeah, you're definitely entering a new chapter in your history all right. I think this chapter will be called, "The Beginning of the End". Or maybe, "We Should Have Quit While We Were Ahead". Even, "Is Google Hiring?".

Microsoft also said that they were going to be "working with Circuit City and Best Buy to roll out "Windows-branded sales environments and store-within-a-store concepts" to compete with Apple's highly successful stores." So you guys finally realized that Apple might be onto something with that concept, eh? And you rolled out these ads with Jerry Seinfeld to compete against the "I'm a Mac" commercials of Apple's, too, right? OK, you're going to want to pay a little bit more attention to how they do things if you can't think of anything on your own, Microsoft. See, because the difference between the "I'm a Mac" ads and the "I like churros" ads is that the "I'm a Mac" ads are good.

I am predicting, at the very least, a small disaster. Not quite in the "What could possibly go wrong?" category just yet, but close. Maybe I'd put it in the "Hilarity did not ensue" category at this point. Because right now, that ad highlights what Microsoft is concerned about; that being that they're out of touch with the consumer. And while that commercial didn't exactly scream that they were in touch with the consumer, it was a completely unintentional reflection of how a lot of their products work. They work in a way that makes sense to those who work for Microsoft. The rest of the public, while not morons, gets a little frustrated that things just aren't straight forward and simple.

Again, I'm holding off any more judgment until I've seen at least one more episode of Bill and Jerry's Excellent Adventures. But if that one sucks too, there will be no mercy.

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Microsoft Is About Nothing?

Microsoft finally decided that they needed to come up with some catchy advertising. You know, in light of the Google and the Apple that are taking over the world. Granted, the Google boys don't need advertising (they've already infiltrated our brains somehow and reprogrammed them to always search with Google). And Apple, well, Apple has the Mac vs. PC ads which are hilarious. Those are going to be hard to beat. Microsoft was thinking the same thing. After all, the Apple ads are hip, they're cool, they're funny, they're new, they're relevant AND they make sense. You're going to need some pretty powerful ammunition to go up against a formula like the one that Apple thought up. And how hard could that really be? I mean, their idea was just to have two guys SAY that they were computers and we, the oh-so skeptical public, would just believe them! (How stupid do they think we are? Oh. Right. Never mind.) How are you going to top THAT?

Well, Microsoft didn't just get to the top by accident. No, Microsoft got to the top because it was the only computer operating system out there that didn't suck when it was founded. (And when I say "only" I mean "the best one out of the two that were available at the time". Hey, take what you can get, I always say.) That aside, they came up with an advertising campaign that they must have been positive would be a winner. They forked over $300 million for it, in case you were wondering how certain they were about their idea. And who were they entrusting to be the face of this campaign? Who was it that was going to represent "new" and "hip" and "cool", three things that Microsoft is not always associated with? Who? Why, Jerry Seinfeld, that's who. Wait. What?

Jerry Seinfeld? OK, look, I loved "Seinfeld". I loved Jerry. And the whole gang! But even though "Seinfeld" ran for nine years and was one of the highest rated shows in TV history, the last episode aired on May 14, 1998. That's over ten years ago. Microsoft hired Jerry Seinfeld? Geez. What? Was Milton Berle not available? That doesn't seem very "cool, hip and new" if you're asking me.

You know what else doesn't seem very "cool, hip and new"? That's right, the first commercial starring Jerry Seinfeld and none other than Bill Gates as well. Now, a lot of people are sadly unaware that Bill Gates is a very funny guy. Extremely funny. He is also a fairly decent actor. And that's a "fairly decent actor" that is only partially being compared to other geeky, tech-y software guys. Gates is a "fairly decent actor" when compared to a lot of people. But even a freaking great actor couldn't have done much with this story line...and it was a minute and a half! Ninety seconds of complete confusion. I wondered if maybe they had accidentally aired some of the stuff that they decided wouldn't be any good. (If they didn't, they might want to think about saying that they did. You know, to avoid looking any more like jackasses.)

Now, the premise of Jerry Seinfeld's show was that it was "a show about nothing". This is "a commercial about nothing". It's the exact same premise. You watch it. You are expecting something to happen. Nothing does. There is talking. It's about nothing. Next thing you know, the damn thing is over and you don't know what you've just seen! The only difference between the commercial and Jerry's show was that when the show was over, you knew that whatever it was you just watched, you enjoyed. With the commercial? Eh, not so much. Here, you can see for yourself how lame it is.

Basically, Jerry is walking through a mall, mall-fare churro in hand, when he spots Bill buying shoes at Shoe Circus discount shoes. He runs inside and ends up helping fit Bill for a pair of "pleather" shoes known as "the Conquistador". He has to get a size larger than 10 because in the Conquistador, "they run tight". And for some reason, it seems as though that nugget of information is either well known or important in some unknown way as we witness a Hispanic family staring through the window, watching this shoe fitting taking place and knowing that it's The Conquistador and that "they run tight." They seem either very interested or very concerned. One of those. Or they just wonder where he got the oh-so tasty churro.

Bill buys his pleather Conquistadors and presents his Shoe Circus Clown Card at checkout. While walking out to the parking lot, they basically use dialogue from a Seinfeld episode where Jerry asks Elaine what she gets if she fills her submarine punch card up and she responds, "Free sub." It was the same, except that Jerry asked Bill what he got with his Clown Card and he responded "Clown points." You know, for $300 million, I think I'd have to ask for original material, but that could just be me.

Then, still walking through the parking lot, both munching churros, Jerry asks Bill if our computers will be "moist and chewy like cake, so we can just eat while we're working." Bill doesn't respond, so Jerry tries again with, "If it's yes, give me a signal. Adjust your shorts or something." Cue the camera shot from behind as they're still walking. It is then that we see Bill do a little booty shake and just keep right on walking as Jerry does the lower fist pump and cries out, "I knew it!" Then cut to the Microsoft logo. The end. Wait. What? The WHAT?! END?

Correct. The end. That's it. No products. No hype. No hint. Just two guys and one of them has a wedgie. I don't even think that you even saw a computer at all in the whole thing! Am I supposed to run out and buy a churro? I'm so confused.

I can't imagine that's all they got for $300 million. And while I'm not holding by breath in anticipation of the next commercial that, perhaps, sheds some light on WTF is going on here, I would like to see more. At the very least, I'd like to see something else because that ad was crappier than Windows ME.

Look, I know Bill Gates is a smart guy. And I know he's a smart guy who hires other smart guys. I just hope he was smart enough to hire smart advertising people. Because really, the way I'm looking at this right now, I'm not so sure if associating "Microsoft" with "My underwear are riding up my ass" is really the direction you want to go in. (It's certainly not the direction you want your underwear to go in.)

SIDE NOTE: Bill Gates is a great guy and he, along with his wife, have founded The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation which is a spectacular organization doing charity work to help reduce inequity around the world.

SIDE NOTE 2: That picture of Bill Gates on his Clown Club Card? Yeah, that's his mugshot photo from when he was arrested on reckless driving charges on December 13, 1977 for a second time in New Mexico after speeding in his Porsche, running a stop sign and driving without a license. I find it amusing.

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