A Boy And His Dog And A Puddle

I have a heart of stone.  All of those videos out there that proclaim "This is the sweetest thing ever!" and "This will make you cry!" are all liars. If I see one more cute little cat with a ball of dust with either one of those captions, I'm going to lose it.  The video below, however, has renewed my faith in all that is cute in the world.  It's one of the most freaking adorable things I have ever seen in my life.  I don't know why I like it so much, but I do.  And if you don't think it's awesome, then you are made of stone from head to toe.  The dog is great.  The kid is great.  The premise is great.  It all works.  And it's only a minute long.  Best minute you'll see all day.  I promise. 

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Worst New Logo Ever

There's another major logo change out there.  I know I've shown you several others that just weren't up to par, but this one, seriously, might be the worst.  Did I say that about the others?  I did?  OK, so I can be a bit of an alarmist about some things.  But I mean it this time!  This is absolutely abhorrent.  The University of California has decided to change their logo after 144 years.  Now, I understand the need to keep up with the times or whatever crap you want to call that sort of thing, but there are some things that should be able to withstand the test of time.  I kind of think that the logo for a major university system should be one of those things.  (You don't see Harvard over there messing with their logo do you?)  But the geniuses at the University of California didn't see it that way.  They decided to make a change.  Ready?  (Trust me, you're not.)  OK, so they went from this: 

 To this: 

No, I am not joking.  What the actual eff is that?  How on earth could people at the university level have thought that this piece of S was a good idea?  It looks like the aerial view of a swirling toilet.  It is easily the worst university logo that I have ever seen.  How do you go from something all classy and depicting education to something that looks like it was done in Microsoft Paint by a cat?  Actually, given the way that the UC system is run these days, I shouldn't be surprised.  But yet, I am.  I actually am.  Maybe I'm more disappointed than surprised.  All I know is that I hope that this can be reversed.  Remember when everyone flipping their s**t when The Gap changed their logo to something crappy and they had to change it back, lest the mob wielding torches and pitchforks descended upon their khaki headquarters?  Maybe that will happen in this case.  It's my experience that UC students are pretty good at whining about things.  Maybe there's hope.  And God, I hope so. 

 

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No Standing...

If you're not following Rich Ohrnberger (currently an offensive lineman for the Arizona Cardinals) on Twitter you absolutely should.  You should follow him now.  I mean right now. And let me tell you why.  He's funny.  Dryly funny.  He posted the picture below with the caption "No Standing.. Sad Poops Only."  If that isn't reason enough then I can't help you. 

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Mr. Burns Drives Us Off The Fiscal Cliff

In case you were wondering about this fiscal cliff that the country is about to fall off of and wanted to know more about it, I'm here to help!  First of all, Democrats want to raise taxes on "the rich".  No one mentions that it's a move that will only generate about $82 billion a year and the national debt is about $16 trillion.  $82 billion a year isn't going to help anything.  But the Democrats think that's the main point.  (Side note:  Why is the term "the rich" used?  Is it because it is supposed to invoke some sort of anger or jealousy?  Why can't we substitute "the successful" for "the rich"?  After all, didn't most people who are rich get there by being successful?  They had to succeed at something.  Oh, I'm just kidding with you!  I know that it will never change.  Why present something in a reasonable fashion when you can instead present it in a manner that will bring out vitriol without people even realizing that it's silly to get mad at someone for succeeding?  Yeah.  That was part of my point as well.  Moving on!)  And the Republicans, well, they want to cut things.  I find it difficult to believe that with $16 trillion in spending that we can't shave a trillion here and there.  Seriously.  Trillion.  With a T.  And nobody wants to cut anything?  Nothing?  We're so freaking doomed.  But even if my simplistic way of explaining all of this to you is too simple to make any sense, allow me to give you Montgomery Burns to really make things clear for you.  He's a rich miser who may or may not be a latent homosexual.  Who better to give it to you straight (so to speak)? 

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Lunatics In The House

Good news everybody!  I realize that we're headed straight over the fiscal cliff and the prospect of the average household's taxes going up by about $2,000 a year is looming in the next few weeks with no sort of deal in sight up there on Capitol Hill.  But don't worry!  The House passed a measure today removing the word 'lunatic' from federal law!  We're saved! 

That's right, America.  Your House of Representatives spent time today taking a vote on whether or not the word 'lunatic' should remain in the wording of federal laws.  According to CBS DC, "The legislation cites one instance in banking regulation that refers to the authority of a bank to act as “committee of estates of lunatics” on guardianship issues." See, I find nothing wrong with this.  Seems like a reasonable wording.  And sensible! 

The pertinent legislation passed the House by a vote of 398-1.  Do you know who the ONE who voted against it is?  My hero, that's who.  That would be a one Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, who not only voted "no" on the matter, he issued a statement about his vote as well, saying that "...not only should we not eliminate the word “lunatic” from federal law when the most pressing issue of the day is saving our country from bankruptcy, we should use the word to describe the people who want to continue with business as usual in Washington."  See?  My hero. 

I honestly cannot believe that this is the sort of drivel that is going on when things are not looking promising for my money come January 1st.  Actually, wait.  I take that back.  Of course I can believe that this has happened.  See, if our lawmakers had been paying attention the entire time and actually trying to solve this issue, we wouldn't be in the situation that we're in now (which, in case you haven't figured it out, is effed).  But no.  Instead, they're going to spend their time making sure that some wording of some legislation that no one is ever going to read (much less be offended by) isn't "offensive".  Well, the wording might not be offensive, but their actions are.  We're so utterly doomed. 

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That's One Way To Do It

You know how it gets when you just have a bunch of little things all around your house that need fixing?  And you mean to get around to them, but maybe you just don't have the time or maybe you just don't have the skills.  You gotta do something, right?  Right.  But just let me recommend that you don't do what a couple of morons (who actually live in my general vicinity, prompting me to build the wall around my walled off compound just a little bit higher) decided to do.  They decided to kidnap a handyman and force him at gunpoint to do work on their home.  Wait.  What? 

I swear.  According to ABC News, the handyman went to the home of the morons in question about work that he had done for said morons relatives. They told him, essentially "Hey, we're going to kill you if you don't do what we tell you. We want you to fix these things around the house."  Now, in their defense, a good handyman is hard to find.  But still.  Not the best course of action.  I mean, I'm sure that there have been points in my life where I would have killed to have the shower fixed or something, but I didn't really mean literally.  I just wanted the shower fixed!  I swear!

And what do you think foiled this ingenious plan?  That's right.  Snacks.  I swear.  Snacks.  I guess after they had forced him to do repairs on their house, they made him get in the van and were driving him to a relative's house (Maybe it was the same relative he was looking for initially?  Two birds, one stone sorta deal?) and they had some sort of Cheetos craving or something.  So they pulled into a Chevron station (which is frighteningly close to where I like to get sushi) and, like the morons that they are, they left him in the van while they went inside.  The handyman, not being fond of his newly found slavery, decided to make a break for it and took off. 

He ran to a neighbor's house and called 911 and somehow, the police managed to get there while the two dingbats were still in the convenience store.  Seriously, how long does it take to pick out some Funyuns?  (Then again, there are a surprisingly high number of Doritos varieties these days.  I guess I can overlook that.  It's definitely plausible that they got hung up trying to decide between the Nacho Cheese and the Sweet Chile.  Both are really good.)  They were subsequently arrested and charged with a host of offenses, hopefully including dumbassery.   A video of this story is below.  If it doesn't play, you can click the link above.  By the way, the people who were arrested look just about like you'd like that they'd look.  Like idiots. 

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2012 Teddy Bear Toss

Ever want to see 25,000 teddy bears get thrown onto an ice hockey rink as soon as the home team scores?  Well, now you can!  Apparently, the Calgary Hitmen (a Junior hockey team in Canada with a completely awesome name) and other Canadian hockey teams have a Teddy Bear Toss game every December.  The premise is simple.  The point is to collect thousands of teddy bears which will be later distributed to kids who need them.  Possible scenarios of a kid needing a teddy bear would be like maybe if the kid is in the hospital and needs a bear to be with him or if the kid has been in some sort of emergency situation and needs something of comfort at that time.  Anyway, if you show up to this particular game in December, you bring a bear.  When the home team scores, everyone throws their bears onto the ice.  It sounds kinda violent in a way, especially if you're the bear, but it's pretty cool.  Chaotic, but cool.  Enjoy! 

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Anti Gun Morons

Over the weekend, an NFL player named Jovan Belcher decided that he would shoot his 22-year old girlfriend to death and then drive to Arrowhead Stadium (where his team, the Chiefs, play their home games) and then shoot himself to death in front of the general manager and his coach.  He leaves his 3-month old daughter an orphan.  Classy. 

Naturally, after something like this, everyone is speculating as to what happened.  I've seen it posited in a few forums that maybe he was depressed.  Some people were awfully quick to jump in with the old head-injuries-in-the-NFL argument.  While I find both of those to be rather silly at this point, there's one other stance that some softheads are taking that is just the most ridiculous of them all.  That point is that it's the gun's fault. 

These anti-gun zealots always come blasting out of the woodwork whenever something like this happens.  I'm used to them.  What I'm not used to is Bob Costas, legendary sports commentator, coming out anti-gun during an NFL football game.  Bob Costas is probably as high up on the sports broadcasting chain as you can get.  He's a smart guy when it comes to sports.  He comes off like a completely dope when it comes to guns. 

He quoted a lot from an article by Fox Sports columnist Jason Whitlock. Here's what he said:  “In the coming days, Jovan Belcher’s actions and their possible connection to football will be analyzed. Who knows? But here, wrote Jason Whitlock, is what I believe. If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.” 

You have GOT to be kidding me??  If he didn't have a gun then they would both be alive?  Really?  Are both Bob Costas and Jason Whitlock (whose work I am admittedly not familiar with) that short sighted that they really believe that?  They can't honestly think that's true...can they?  Boy, it sure is a good thing that OJ Simpson didn't have a gun because if he did then Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman would have been killed!  Good thing that they're alive because he didn't have a gun!  Oh.  Wait.  Yeah, that's not how that scenario turned out.  At all. 

  don't think I can have the all-guns-should-be-banned argument again.  Whenever this argument comes up, my head feels like it wants to explode. Do these people think that if we make handguns illegal that no one will have one?  That's why no one smokes pot, right?  Because it's illegal?  Right.  We've got that completely under control.  That aside, it's in the Second Amendment to the Constitution that we GET to have guns.  Are Bob Costas and Jason Whitlock suggesting that we do away with the Second Amendment?  You know what?  They probably are. 

And while there's still a bunch of speculation that's going on as to what went down to make Jovan Belcher do what he did, I'm going to call it right now.  This scenario is as old as the hills.  The guy kills the girlfriend/wife and then kills himself.  Why does he do it?  Because he thought there was someone else or there was someone else.  It's that simple.  It's crazy jealousy that takes over a person who has no idea how to control themselves or their emotions and that person ends up making the worst decision of their life.  Just wait.  The more that we learn about the events that lead up to this, I can almost guarantee that there will be talk of another man in the picture.  You heard it here first. 

Finally, I want to focus not on the unspeakable acts of the NFL player and instead make a point to remember the woman that he killed.  (By the way, if you're feeling like you want to off yourself, please get some help.  If you still end up deciding that you're going to off yourself, please don't take anyone else with you.  Then again, I don't think this was the scenario in this instance.  I think he killed her because he was crazy jealous and when he realized what a poor choice that was, he killed himself because he wasn't about to stick around for the consequences.  Cowardly a-hole.)  Her name was Kasandra Perkins.  If we're going to remember anything from this at this point, it should be her and her daughter.  Forget about him.  He's not worth remembering.  

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Reversal of Misfortune

Remember the genius who got the Romney tattoo on his freaking face?  Some guy (who obviously has way too much money to know what to do with) paid him $15,000 to get the tattoo on his face and he had to keep it that way at least until the election was over.  Pretty generous terms if you're asking me.  Anyway, would it shock you if I told you that he has decided that it might not have been the best idea that he'd ever had and is going to be removing the tattoo? 

See, because it kind of surprises me.  This is someone who got a Romney presidential campaign symbol tattooed on his face.  Why on earth would I ever think that someone who thought that was a good idea in the first place would ever actually realize what a horrible idea it really was?  That's not exactly the smartest thing in the world to do.  So it's naturally surprising that someone who made that choice would actually figure out, relatively quickly, that it was a...how do I put this?  Oh, I know!  It was a dumbass thing to do. 

Then again, I don't think that Mr. Hartsburg had a very clear vision of what this was going to mean, both long term and even short term.  According to an article over at CBS News, "Hartsburg says he reached out to the Romney campaign about the tattoo, but feels snubbed that no campaign staffer ever contacted him."  Really?  So a guy who was running for President of the United States, the most powerful position in the entire world, that guy didn't want to associate himself with face tattoo dude?  Shocking! 

And get this...it's going to take up to three years before the removal is complete!  Three years!  Maybe he should just hang onto it.  What if Marco Rubio runs for President?  Maybe he could incorporate the color scheme and design into his logo and then go from there?  I'm just trying to decide if that would lend him any credibility at all at that point.  Yeah, no, not so much.  I think the bottom line here is (and try to stay with me on this one) don't tattoo your face. 

In the end, what did this guy get out of it?  I'm sure that the $15,000 that he got for doing the tattoo in the first place is going to need to be put toward the removal of said horrific decision.  So really, all he did was get a bunch of publicity that illustrated just how much of a dumbass he was.  Doesn't seem worth it to me.  Then again, I have nothing tattooed on my face, so what do I know?

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World's Fastest Archer

Yeah, yeah.  I know this is late.  Hey, I had a date!  That doesn't happen very often, so it's no wonder that I totally ran out of time to get something, anything up and posted here. And that's what you're getting.  Something.  Anything.  And it just happens to be a guy who is the world's faster archer.  That's right.  Archer.  Those Hunger Games saps ain't got nothin' on this guy.  Holy cats.  I've watched it several times and tried to understand how he can be that fast.  I still don't get it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's incredibly fascinating to watch. 

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