CrackBerry Withdrawal

The folks over there at Research In Motion's had their hands full when their addiction fueling product, BlackBerry, had what was deemed a "critical severity outage" on Monday afternoon. Translation: Bye, bye, Blackberry. That little problem left bazillions of CrackBerry addicts stranded without wireless e-mail access.

RIM notified its clients of the outage in an e-mail.

The e-mail, which was sent to those bazillion people without access to their email, stated, "This is an emergency notification regarding the current BlackBerry Infrastructure outage....the outage affected business clients and "users of the Americas network."

"The Americas network"? I know that there's two (and that it's been like that for quite some time), but it always sounds funny when I hear it like that. The Americas. Plural. More than one America.

The notice gave no estimate on the cause, when service might be restored or how many people could be affected. And of course none of that mattered anyway because no one could read their email as it was.

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Just Tell Me Why

This from the fine folks over yonder at Fox News: The world's fattest man (hey, Guinness's words, not mine!), Manuel Uribe, has dropped 570 pounds. That apparently makes him an unlikely candidate to repeat as "World's Fattest Man" this year.

The most Manuel weighed was 1,257 pounds. It has been reported that he has been bed-ridden for 5 years and that doctors from Mexico, Italy and the US have been helping him lose weight through diet and exercise for the past 2 years. (Hmmm...what kind of exercise? Thighmaster maybe?)

In hopes of keeping his name in the Guinness Book of World Records in some capacity, an editor reportedly told him he will be under consideration for "Lost The Most Weight" in the 2009 edition. (That's nice of them.) Manuel wants to get down to 265. (It's good to have goals.)

Here's where it gets odd for me. " In March, a crane will lift him out of his house and he will be driven around on a flat-bed truck," according to the Fox report. That's it. It ends there.

Drive him around WHERE? For the purpose of what? Fresh air? Parade float? Drive him around WHERE? And WHY? Why March? Why not Saturday? Lift him out how? What about the roof? So, SO many questions! I reallly need to know WHY!!

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eGads!

With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, eBay has decided to get it's buyers and sellers in that romantic mood by placing images such as the one below on it's home page.

Apparently, it seems like a good idea at eBay to simply take a picture of a 1970s rocker in full face makeup and black leather, silver studded costume, stamp a little red heart in the corner to imply some sort of love or affection, and you have got yourself a Valentine's Day promotion no other can beat!

Although, I suppose nothin' says lovin' like Gene Simmons tongue.

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Gary Coleman - Nothing Short of Strange

Does it get any easier than these four words: Gary Coleman got married? Answer: It does not.

Gary Coleman, as we are not allowed to forget, played the diminuitive Arnold on TVs "Diff'rent Strokes" back when it was really funny to have two, black, orphaned brothers adopted by a rich, seemingly older than he was supposed to be, white widower with his own teenage daughter and a zany, elderly housekeeper all living in a penthouse in New York City. Yep, that's the stuff great 80s TV was made out of.

Coleman is now 40. He is also now 4'8", which doesn't seem all THAT short to me. Short, yes. Freakishly short? No. He's got enough stuff going for him in that 'freakish' category. So much, in fact, that his height really becomes a non-issue. You'll see what I mean. Keep reading.

He married a woman named Shannon Price. She is 22 and they were married on August 22, which is also her birthday. (When they get divorced, that will not seem like such a good choice.) This marriage (a first for both, thank God), came after what Coleman claims (and I really have NO reason to doubt him) is his "first time ever romantic relationship", according to People.

They were married on a mountain top (presumably so he'd be as tall as her). Coleman says,"Nobody was around but the minister, preacher, the videographers, the photographer, the helicopter pilot and us. That was all that was there. There was nobody else." That seems like a lot to me. And the helicopter pilot?! That's all. Just us. And the guy flying the helicopter.

But look at these photos! OK, this might come as a shock to some people (presumably Gary and Shannon), but those aren't real mountains behind them! No, that appears to be a backdrop of Zion (Southern Utah. Beautiful area. You should really check it out someday.), probably somewhere around The Arches (again, Southern Utah; not the "Golden" ones). If you're acutally on a mountaintop, there's no need for a backdrop in front of which to take your pictures! You're at the backdrop already!

But if they got married on August 22, how come we're just hearing about it now? According to the bride, "I just want my own identity as well because I don't want to be known as Gary Coleman's wife." Trust me, honey. You're going to be known for a couple more things than just that. Mental stability issues come to mind.

Coleman said that he didn't have issues with her age. (I kinda guessed that when I read that he married her.) He said, "I have issues with intelligence ... She's more intelligent than I am and that's what matters to me." There's a great deal of irony in this sentence, but it's so hard to know where to start.

And he also agrees that he doesn't want her to be known as "Gary Coleman's wife" either. (See? Everyone has a problem with it, including him!) "I wouldn’t want you to be known as Gary Coleman’s wife. I hope you do get successful. She’s a great eBay-er. She’s a fabulous eBay-er. I hope she gets famous for that.” Um, where to start? How about with, "I hope you do get successful." Actually, I would never start by pointing out someone's lack of success...yet. And I definitely wouldn't follow it up with the eBay thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that! I'm just sayin'.

What does she sell on eBay, you ask? Why, "Coleman’s memorabilia" of course! Wait? You didn't know that Gary Coleman HAD memorabilia?! Me neither. The "I hope you do get successful" comment is making more sense. After all, he IS Gary Coleman and she is selling HIS "memorabilia". He knows it's hopeless.

Price says that she didn't know who he was when she met him on the set of some movie called "Churchball". (I missed that one.) “He was really sweet and I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t grow up with Diff’rent Strokes. I actually didn’t like watching TV when I was younger.” Ah! The irony of that "intelligence" statement is suddenly clear to me! She's 22. They got married on Aug. 22, her birthday. That would mean she was born in August, 1985, a mere 7 months before 'Diff'rent Strokes' was cancelled. But remember...she's the smart one.

Intelligence is really not the amusing part here. Oh, seems like it is. But there's more! Price has described the current relationship as “off and on.” (Yes, they've been married just short of 6 months now. That is correct.) “We may go a week and not speak to each other, but that’s because you’re thinking and mulling things over,” says Coleman. It takes you a week of marital silence to "think and mull things over"? Was the argument about astrophysics? Nuclear peptides? I'm guessing it wasn't. But I'm having trouble guessing what it was.

She tries to clear this up by saying, "Yeah, I’ve locked myself in a room and stayed there because I’m like, ‘You know what? I don’t even want to fight over this, its ridiculous.” (Oh, something is ridiculous, alright. You stayed there for how long?) She also says that there has been more than one occasion when it's a bit more than just yelling (or mulling or thinking, I'd assume). “He lets his anger conquer him sometimes, I don’t like the violence, I really don’t…He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction…He’s got to damage something before his anger stops.” Hmmm....I'd like an example of this, wouldn't you?

Here's one! Inside Edition had jumped all over this story (God bless 'em!) and asked him why it was that, on the morning of his interview, he threw a printer. Good question. Answer? Not so good. “I threw the printer because my agent wanted to send me a fax, and it wouldn’t fax, and she (Price) was upset at me over something that I had done. And I just took that printer and said, ‘You know what, you just need to die.’”

Um, Gary? Arnold? Whoever you are? Um, it can't die. It's a printer. Otherwise known as an "inanimate object." And here's another tip: If your wife is upset at you over something you've done, throwing a printer is not going to make that any better. And were you able to get the fax after you threw the printer? I'm guessing not.

Had I known about all of this before, I would have sent her one of my helmets for the soft-headed that she so desperately needs. It would have served a dual purpose. It would have protected her from herself AND from flying computer peripherals that he hurls her way.

Hello, Vegas? Yes, I'd like the bet the unders on the Gary Coleman marriage, please.

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More Stuff Seen At The Grammys

Hi-ho! Kermit the Frog here with more stuff I saw at the Grammys. I don't know why everyone can't just clean up nice like I do. It's not hard. I know what to wear. I know what looks good. And that's coming a frog who doesn't usually wear pants.

On the red carpet, we find Lisa Rinna and her lips posing with Joey Fatone and his shoes. Hey, Joe, I think that you're supposed to stand ON that little red X there on the floor.

From the file of "I Look Familiar Because You Spent Weeks Watching Me On American Idol and I Didn't Win", we have Ace Young showing us that he should absolutely be cast as The Joker in the next Batman movie.

Dee Dee Bridgewater wearing, um, something. It's definitely something. And it hurts my eyes. Whatever it is, there was enough left over material to make Stevie Wonder's sleeves

Cyndi Lauper shows us her very best Statue of Liberty impression. She also shows us that we should never underestimate the staying power of one hit song in the 1980s.

Apparently, this chap is Mika. I have absolutely NO clue as to who he is. Nor do I have any clue as to why he went to the Grammys dressed as what could be interpreted as his attempt at some sort of stylish pirate. He really should have gone with the Puffy Shirt if he was going to try and pull off something like this. It would have helped. It couldn't have hurt.










Looks like Cher has jumped on the recycling bandwagon and decided to make her dress out of used Hefty Lawn & Garden Bags. There are lots of ways to save the planet. This shouldn't be one of them.

I think it's great that Mr. Miyagi was able to break away from all of that Karate Kid stuff and show up to the Grammys.

Lots of people who were seemingly separated at birth being reuinted at the Grammys. One of thse women is Carrie Ann Inaba. The other one is Tia Carrere. I'll let you see if you can figure out which is which.

In the "Take Me To Your Leader" Category, we have Grammy whiner, er, winner, Kanye West. Welcome to the planet, Kanye. Now go home.

And finally we have Beyonce, performing "Proud Mary" with Tina Turner. In case you were wondering, Tina Turner is 68. When you turn 68, if you can sing like that and move like that, you you let me know. Actually, when you're 68, if you move that much all year, then you let me know.

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Seen At The Grammys

Geez, so much Grammy stuff. So few decent ways to upload pictures to blogger.com. (Why can't I just put a picture where I want it? Why always at the top to be moved somewhere close to where I want it later? Oh, and please, disrupt everything that I've already laid out if I decide I want to add something later.)

Never mind. He's Kermit the Frog. And these were the Grammys:





First of all, I'd like to say that I think it's great that Jethro and Ellie May over here managed to find a way to take some time away from coon skinnin' and make it out to the ball.







Kermit the Frog wasn't the only Muppet out for Sunday's awards.
Here's Chris Brown and Big Bird at the Grammys.

Yoko Ono decided to come to the Grammys dressed as Tom Petty.

Here's Jay-Z and Herbie Hancock, who I'm sure
must have been very excited to see each other
after having been separated at birth for all of
these years.

Good to know that if this music stuff doesn't work out for

Brooke Hogan and Nelly Furtado that they can always find

work standing on opposite sides of the fountains at

Caesar's Palace in Vegas.

And then there's Carole King...um, Mrs. Knight Rider?

And presumably the KITT car? What other car is going to be on the red carpet? Just be glad the Hoss isn't there too.

Adrienne Lau has apparently borrowed her dress for the evening from Britney

Spears. No word on who she borrowed the panties from (because you know Britney didn't have any!).



And finally, did you know that the Louisville Slugger people (yep, the baseball bat guys) made a commemorative bat for the Carrie Underwood song, "Before He Cheats"? You don't really need the bat until after he cheats, but I could see where having it around might serve as some sort of a deterrent.


More star studded photos and blathering commentary tomorrow. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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Long Words, Short Words, Other Words

I love the fine print. Yes, like the kind that's at the bottom of anything you have to sign. Or eat. Or drink. And the reason that I love the fine print is because it is either a) hilarious, or b) ridiculous, or c) both. Quite often it is c) both. Here's an example:

The Bank of America Privacy Policy for Consumers, 2007, informs you of who they "may share your information about credit cards and Sponsored Accounts with." According to the pamphlet, there are three, including:

-- Financial services companies.

-- Nonfinancial companies.

-- Other companies.

OK, that seems to be long for "ALL". I don't know that there is a more generic, broader and all encompassing category other than the "other" category. Anything and everything that is under the burning fire of the sun qualifies as "other". So, basically, BofA is going to take every shred of financial information about me (granted, there won't be a lot) and pretty much just leave it lying around for all the world to see. Well, this world, non worlds, and other worlds. But, apparently, I've been warned.

BofA also uses the fine print to explain to me what to do if I think that there is a problem with my account. Apparently, I have 60 days to notify them in writing if I think that something has gone awry. But if I don't do it within the 60 days I can't do anything (and I'm quoting here) "regardless of the care or lack of care we may have exercised in handling your account." Somehow, their admitting that their lack of care when handling my account could be an issue for me (or for them), yeah, that doesn't really make me feel better. Makes me feel like changing banks, sure. But better? Nah, not so much.

I still love the fine print.

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Mafia 10 Commandments

Apparently, a lot of people want their life to include guidelines, some basic rules, tenets, if you will. I'm guessing it's because when you know the rules, you kinda know what to do and what to expect. And while that makes sense, I had no idea that The Mafia felt the same way about it. The Mafia, yes, that Mafia, has their own version of The Ten Commandments, minus Charlton Heston and minus, well, if you're going solely on the definition of a 'commandment', well, it's missing a couple of those too. Oh, and logic. The document runs into some serious logic issues here and there. However, in reality, that's probably the least of the concerns one should have when it comes to the Mafia.

1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it. I can't really comment on this too much because I don't really get it. They have to get someone else to hang with someone who they already know? I'm picturing a bunch of mob guys constantly being chaperoned. It's not how I've always pictured the mob at all.

2. Never look at the wives of friends. Wives of enemies, on the other hand? Totally up for grabs. Probably not literally, though.

3. Never be seen with cops. Probably also means "Don't be seen ON "COPS"".

4. Don't go to pubs and clubs. I don't know if they differentiate between the two because they rhyme or what. Now, is a bar a pub or a club or is it OK? See, some of these really need clarification if you ask me.

5. Always being available for Cosa Nostra is a duty -- even if your wife is about to give birth. I'm just guessing that the old "But, Louie! I can't do the extorting tonight! Loretta's in labor and Vinnie Junior will be here any time!" excuse was getting a little tired with the higher ups.

6. Appointments must be absolutely respected. All dentists throughout Mafialand are thrilled.

7. Wives must be treated with respect. OK, this seemes to totally contradict Commandment Number Five because I'm thinking it is respectful, if your wife is in labor, to be there.

8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth. I guess I'm just surprised at this one. Who knew? Truthful Mafia? OK.

9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families. If this means what it sounds like it means, it's hil-arious. "If someone other than us has the cash, we can't do anything with it." Duh. Welcome to my world.

10. People Who Can't Be Part of Cosa Nostra -- See, not really a "commandment". More like a guideline or the requirements section. Definitely nothing to be "commanded".

-- Anyone who has a close relative in the police. Logical.

-- Anyone with a two-timing relative in the family. That kills me! "Two-timing relative"! I wonder where the definition of "two-timing" is?

-- Anyone who behaves badly and doesn't hold to moral values. Again, seems to contradict Commandments Five and Nine. And you'd kinda think that the not letching after your buddy's wife would automatically imply the moral standards that the Mafia sets for themselves.

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My Popular WTF Series: I ALWAYS Wear Pants

Although I'm glad that this installment of "WTF" doesn't involve some sort of wayward creature lumbering down Main Street, I never really thought that it would dip into the fashion realm. Oh, but it did. Dip, that is. Actually, it dropped. Far.

There is a company called American Apparel. And while a name like that would tend to lend itself to describing what it sells, I don't know that I would agree in this case. I'm American. I'm in America. This is not (my) American Apparel. I present to you ::drum roll:: the Unisex Flex Fleece V-Neck Sweatshirt:

First things first, it does say "sweatshirt", right? Yes, it does! I asked for clarification because the model has neglected to put on any pants! I'm thinking that she might not realize that she has simply forgotten her pants due to the fact that she is wearing a belt! And a rather long one at that. Now, I'm not Stacy or Clinton, but "belts" do not go with "sweatshirts". I don't know that it's all that complicated, so the real issue is where are her pants?!

I checked the description on the website in hopes that it would clear up this matter. No. It muddled it further. It reads: "A stylish fall/winter piece for men and women. Features a flattering, long and slim cut in the body. Flex Fleece (50% Polyester / 50% Cotton Fleece) construction. V-neck. Matching cuffs and waistband. Unisex size – women may prefer to order one size smaller. " Hmmm....darn. Nothing about needing or not needing to wear pants with it. There are other issues, however.

First issue: Do you think that's what MEN want?! A flattering, long and slim cut in the body?! Since when is that a selling point? I want my MEN to dress like MEN! I do not want my MEN to look like "Drag Queen Ken"! (Sparkly tiara and high heels sold separately.)

Next: "Matching cuffs and waistband." As opposed to NON-matching? I don't think that things that are just a given should be included in the description. "Pants! With TWO legs!" "Gloves! For your hands!"

Continuing: The whole "unisex size" thing? I don't get it. Not sized for either men or women, but definitely not for women, as it would be too big and they should get a smaller one. That sounds an awful lot like "sizing" for "men or women" to me.

What else could there be? How about a link that says, "View a man in this unisex style!" Well, you know I clicked on that. And thank God I did. Otherwise, I wouldn't be showing you this:

To the right, we have the lovely male unisex model posing for us with his "flattering, long and slim body" after placing third in a "Will & Grace" look-alike contest. To his credit, however, he does seem to be wearing pants.

Oh, thank God! More links! "See similar styles here." I must click! Apparently, a similar style is the Velour Long Sleeve Raglan as shown below by this overly enthusiastic model. Judging from the expression on his face, this guy has clearly lost a bet. Or he has just experienced exactly what you'd expect from a guy wearing a pink velour shirt in public. But, he too is wearing pants. I think. (The way this has been going, it could be a mini skirt.) Ladies, you'd better hurry and pick one of these up for your man! You know he wants one! And you want him in one, don't you?

No? Not so much? Not his thing? Not your thing? Well, you're in luck because there is another link to "Styles Men Might Like". The key word here, I believe, is "might", a word commonly used in phrases such as, "Styles men might like", as well as, "And monkeys might fly out of my butt." Here is one of the "styles men might like":

I ask you, "WHERE?! Men WHERE might like this?!"

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Nothing. What's An Emu With You?

It hasn't even been 10 days since my last "runaway animal invades local freeway" story and there's another one. This one is actually in this country. Come on! Guess where in this country? You can do it! Think! Think! What's that? Yes! The South is correct! This time we're stopping by Appling, Georgia on Interstate-20.

This from the fine folks at the WSBTV News website. "Authorities are seeking the owner of a wandering emu that made drivers gawk and clogged traffic on I-20 before it was finally caught." I'm thinking that finding the owner of said rogue emu should not be a difficult task. How many lost emus in Georgia could there possibly be? The actual "seeking" of said owner seems unnecessary.

"The three-toed emu -- a flightless bird -- was spotted by numerous motorists on Wednesday after it appeared in the highway median between the Thomson and Camak exits" I'm going to have to hand it to them for mentioning the number of toes on the bird AND, in case anyone was wondering why the damn thing just didn't fly away, other than the fact that it is a BFB (Big Fat Bird), mentioning that this particular species of bird is, in fact, flightless. The fact that it was spotted by numerous motorists I suppose lends credibility to the argument that people actually use the Interstate.

"The biggest concern was the threat to motorists," said Law Enforcement Capt. Larry
Barnard of the Georgia Department of Natural Resources. Even with that description, I have no idea what that man's job is. But, what other concerns would there be? That the bird was lonely? "Since an emu is technically livestock it doesn't normally fall under our jurisdiction." What does "an emu is technically livestock" mean? Is that like a chicken is technically my dinner? Which non livestock creatures do fall under your jurisdiction, Captain Larry?

Columbia County animal control officers helped capture the bird, said Pam Tucker, director of the county's Emergency Services Department. "They surrounded it in the median -- with a lot of caution because emus will hurt you," she said. How does she know that? Previous emu experience gone awry, perhaps? "One of the animal control officers grabbed its legs and another grabbed the upper body and another put a covering over its head and they loaded it into the truck." It sounds like a bad movie of the week, but with Patty Hearst as the emu.

Tucker said a man from Wilkes County said he was coming to see if the emu was his. Who else's emu would it be? If I'm in Georgia and I'm missing an emu and I hear there's one traipsing about the freeway, I'm thinking, "Well, there he is!"

"We're hopeful," she said. "Emus are a difficult animal. After four more days, we will put him up for adoption." If no one claims it, the bird will be available for adoption on February 12. IF no one claims it? IF? Trust me, someone will claim the emu. With a selling point of "Emus are a difficult animal" how could it not find a happy new home? I wonder if those four days are the standard wait time for unclaimed emus?

"Emus are native to Australia and are the planet's second-largest bird, behind the ostrich. They are sometimes raised as livestock." Clearly, this was for all of the Southern residents who were wondering more about this strange animal? What is it's habitat? What does it eat? You mean there's a BBFB (Bigger Big Fat Bird)?

Of course all of this wouldn't be complete without mentioning some of the other items on the WSBTV site. "Just what IS an emu?" Once you learn that, you can jump to the next story: "Start Your Own Emu Farm!" And if you're having trouble getting that venture started, here, persue this story: "How to Adopt the Mystery Emu." Now, in the "My Fun" section, we have: "Party Like It's 1999 -- or 1950", "Macho Cars Men Drive" and "Nordic Walking Helps Burn Calories". The definition of "fun" at WSBTV must be a little different than mine if those are the stories under the "fun" category.

The similiarities to the deer on a leash story in the South are simply un-canny. And frightening.

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