Are We Done Yet?

I'm not one of those people who see the new year as a "new beginning". I really don't see it as much of a "new" anything, for that matter. It's the beginning of a new month, but one not unlike the other eleven in the year. Hey, I understand the 'any excuse to throw a party and get ripped' excuse. That's all fine. But even that excuse isn't "new".

Although I never "look foward to" and new year and I'm never "glad this past year is over", I'm not exactly looking forward to this new year for one reason. The rhyming will begin at midnight and it won't stop before we're all sick of it.

2008. Do you know how many freaking words rhyme with "eight"? A lot. Hate. Great. Date. Wait. Bait. Late. Mate. Fate. Rate. Elate. Berate. Straight. Conjugate. Watergate. The list goes on.

Newscasters, copy editors, bloggers, anyone associated with presenting information to the public, all of them will suddenly turn into Dr. Seuss (no offense, Doc. You rule.). In fact, I'm going to count how many times I hear or read "Great in 2008" or "Don't be Late in 2008" for the first two days. I guarantee it will be more than 20 times. (Don't worry. I'll let you know how it turns out.)

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My Favorite People of 2007

Again, I am not a political individual. (Remember? Tricky Dick....twice!) But that doesn't change the fact that a lot of those politicians are funny ducks. Kinda like Senator Robert Byrd. Senator Byrd is probably somewhere around 157 years old, give or take a few. Democrat guy out of West Virginia. When the Michael Vick dogfighting debacle came up, this guy felt the need to preach his feelings about it to the rest of the Senate. (No, I don't know why. No, I don't think that's what his job is. Yes, 157 years old, that is correct.)

He clearly was against the whole dogfighting thing (as we all should be). But to listen to him make this point, well, it makes a few other points as well. Like the point about how we shouldn't allow people who are 157 to be Senators. I was kinda worried for the guy a few times during his speech. I thought he might have had a stroke or worse yet, died or something. That's because he just STOPS speaking. But then picks up right where he left off about 10 seconds later. And when I say "picks up right where he left off" I mean with the exact same word he was saying when he stopped talking. The word? Barbaric.

"The training of these poor creatures to turn themselves into fighting machines is simply barbaric. Barbaric. (3 sec.) Barbaric. (5 sec.) Bar-BARIC! (10 sec.) Bar-BARIC! Let that word resound. From hill to hill (except that he says "hill" and it sounds like "hell", so it sounds like "from hell to hell") and from mountain to mountain and from valley to valley across the land. Bar-baric. (3 sec.) Barbaric. (7 sec.) May God help! (10 sec.) (This is where I got really worried about him.) those poor souls."

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My Favorite People of 2007

Three days left in the year, so I think I'll go with two more favorite people. How can I not enjoy the Larry Craig saga? Senator Craig, as you may remember, was arrested for allegedly soliciting sex in an airport bathroom. He allegedly slid his foot underneath the stall and touched the foot of the guy in the adjacent stall, who happened to be an undercover officer looking for just such activity. Craig told no one about his arrest AND pled guilty (didn't tell anyone about THAT either). When it all came out (no pun intended), Senator Craig's excuses/rationale were hil-arious.

How did his foot touch the foot of the guy in the stall next to him on accident? According to Craig, "I have a very wide stance." A wide stance? He would have to have the stance of an Olympic gymnast to get his leg from one stall alllll the way into the other stall, SO far, in fact, that he would actually be touching the other patron.

Senator Craig also allegedly motioned with his hand underneath the stall divider. According to the officer, that is another sign that someone is trolling for gay sex in the very romantic atmosphere of a men's public airport restroom. (For the record, may I just say, "Eewwwwww!") The ol' under the divider hand wave. When explaining THAT, Senator Craig said that he noticed a piece of paper (presumably toilet paper) on the floor of the stall and he reached down to pick it up. Again, "Eeeewwwww!!" So now he's performing public service by picking up stray pieces of paper in the men's room at an airport in Detroit?!

I don't know about you, but public restrooms are not exactly what come to mind when I am trying to picture the epitome of cleanliness. If I have to use a public restroom (and my bladder is going to have to be ready to burst wide open within 10 seconds for me to use one. If that isn't the case, I'm holding it.) I don't want ANY part of me touching ANYTHING in there. It's like I'm Superman and the stall is kryptonite. I will go to great lengths to hover above anything and everything. But not Larry Craig. Nope. He just willingly bends down and picks toilet paper up off the floor of the stall. What a guy. Spare me.

Hey, Senator Craig. Next time you want to pretend like you weren't doing something that you obviously were doing, try being more convincing. Instead of hiding the whole incident until it's broken wide open by the press, try using that Senatorial "stance" (instead of your wide one) and raise hell at THAT TIME. If you expect anyone to believe that you pled guilty to the charge simply because you wanted it to go away because you were embarrassed, but that you were not actually guilty, how in the world can anyone expect you to perform the duties of a US Senator when you clearly have extremely poor judgment when it comes to decision making?

Choose one, Senator. Were you stupid or horny? And while you're at it, why don't you decide whether you're gay or straight.

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My Favorite People of 2007

Shannon Whisnant. Doesn't ring a bell? How 'bout a leg?

Shannon Whisnant is the guy in South Carolina who bought the contents of a storage unit at an auction. Inside the unit was a barbeque smoker with a severed human leg inside of it. The leg had belonged to John Wood (when it was attached to him) and Wood put it in the smoker to keep it until he died so that he could be buried with it. The leg was amputated in 2004 as a result of injuries Wood sustained in a plane crash. With me so far? It gets better.

Wood wanted his leg back. Seems simple, right? Not so fast. Whisnant didn't want to give the leg back. That's correct. He wanted to keep the leg. He started charged people to have a look at it. $3 for adults and $1 for children. I'm not sure why the difference in price. But then again, this is the logic of a man who wants to keep another man's SEVERED LEG!!

You've really gotta hear this guy talk. He is the epitome of the uneducated, backwoods Southerner to say the very least. And the funniest part is that he punctuates the end of all of his sentences with a little sound that goes "mmm-hmmm." You have to make that sound fast. Not slow. Real fast and it just flows in with the rest of the words in the sentence. Like this response to the question of who actually owns the leg, "It's miiine. I had a receiptmmm-hmmm." Or how he felt when he found the leg, since he has a bum left leg himself. "Yeah, we just sort of looked at it like it was heaven sent when we run acrost it. We sorta got an extra left leg now you knowmmm-hmm." Or his description of the condition of the leg, "It ain't too healthy lookin', I'll tell you thatmmm-hmmm."

Other gems from this man's explanation of the situation include how he would like to see the dispute between him and Wood settled. That's right. Joint custody. "Maybe if I have it in my custody for every Halloween and month there before uh, we may have split custody." I guess he feels it's a hot commodity because he said, "The phone has not stopped ringin' for more than 5 minutes. People call from all over the world who wants to see it. About nine different people (have paid to see the leg) so far."

OK, aside from it being ridiculously funny, there's also the economic factor that, apparently, plays a part in this guy's logic. NINE different people. At three bucks a head (assuming they were all adults and stupider than he is to pay three bucks for this sort of thing) that's a whopping $27! The guy won't give back another man's LEG because he sees a profit of $27 and considers it a money minting gold mine! That is hysterical.

And "heaven sent" because it's the same side leg as his that isn't all that great? HOW is that "heaven sent"?? It's not like he can USE the leg! True, he does have an extra one, just like he said. But for WHAT?!

So now we have this guy AND Miss Teen South Carolina as the 2007 representatives of that state. Nice PR there, SC. No wonder Jerry Springer was on the air for so long.

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My Favorite People of 2007

Look, Oprah will make my list of Favorite People on Tuesday, so of course she's one of the faves for 2007. Why? Why not?

Calling that weasel James Frey on the carpet for his book, "A Million Little Pieces" (which could have been titled, "A Million Little Lies") was awesome. There are not a lot of people who will publicly and directly civilly confront an individual who has done something detrimental to them. (Actually, I can't believe that she was actually able to confront him publicly. If I knew that I had wronged The Oprah, I sure as hell would not be going on her show again after she found out. No way.) But she did. She confronted him, she knew when to pick and choose her battles with him and she did so in a very respectable and reasonable manner. She's a classy woman and how she handles herself when things aren't going so great should be an example to everyone.

And then there's the endorsement of Barack Obama. Hey, she even admitted that the political arena was outside of her comfort zone. But she was willing to give it a shot. I don't know that, due to her ambivalence of having a role in the political arena, she will have much of an impact on the voters decisions. And I don't know that she thinks that she will. If you look at all of the politicians out there who could potentially run for President of the US in the future, I don't know that there are very many that Oprah would endorse, now OR then. She might have felt like this was the last shot at getting a candidate that she personally approves of in the White House, so why not be actively involved in it?

My favorite part of her whole Obama-Palooza tour was when she would introduce him to the crowd. It was awesome. It sounded like this, "Bar-ACK O.....bam....AAAAAA!" Only the way that she said it kinda came across as a question. Almost like she couldn't believe she was doing what she was doing. "Bar-ACK O......bam.....AAAAA???" Hil-arious.

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Merry Christmas

I'm sure I could come up with something ludicrous to put here today. But I think I'll pass. It's Christmas. It just wouldn't seem....right. You know, kinda like one of those inflatable, lit up, manger scenes in someone's front yard? You know that the people mean well, but it just doesn't translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great.

I don't kow if this is going to translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great either. So to make sure that nothing gets lost in translation, I'm keepin' it short.

I'm grateful for this day because it's kinda where it all started or where it all starts. Without the events of this day, I wouldn't have a chance to be forgiven for all of the times and all of the things that I screw up. And there's a lot of 'em. Trust me. And it's not just me that has that opportunity. It's everyone. Including all of the yo-yos that I mock incessantly. They too can (surprisingly) be forgiven for all of their evil-doings.

The whole Christmas thing just makes me happy. And I try to share that happiness with others when given the opportunity. I also try to enjoy those around me and those in my life and give them just one day where their obvious shortcomings don't annoy me. That's my way of spreadin' the joy. That alone makes others grateful as well.

Merry Christmas. Now go spread some cheer. Or some love. Or both. You've got the whole rest of the year for all of the other crap. Today? Love, cheer, thanks.

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My Favorite People of 2007

The reason I just love the drunken Hispanic Indiana man who tried to get back into his house (after his jewel of a girlfriend locked him out) by climbing down the chimney and subsequently got stuck and had to be extracted by the fire department, makes my list for a couple of reasons.

The first reason? The whole altercation is hil-arious. The woman is a shrill shrew. He is a quiet little drunk guy who, for some unknown reason, wants to get IN-side the house where she IS. You'd think he'd be trying to get OUT.

Her dialect just kills me. She is so pissed off at this guy and gets even MORE pissed when he says that he was trying to be Santa Claus and come down the chimney. What a great excuse, yes? Well, it was until the woman asked him where the presents were because Santa never goes down a chimney without presents. (But when she said "presents" it kinda sounded like "presidents" or "precedent". There was at least one extra syllable in there. "Santa never comes down the chimney without presidents!" Well, I should hope not.)

So she's tossed him out and he's just meekly standing there at the bottom of the stairs to her porch. That's when she starts pelting him with bottles and even throws a plastic trash can at him. He just kind of cringes when they hit him and then bounce off. He doesn't say a WORD! He doesn't do anything. He just cowers there at the foot of the stairs and shields himself from incoming ammo. What a guy. He may be drunk, but he's not a wife beater. That's good.

But here's what really earns him a spot on my list. When he's being interviewed by the television reporter, he's just standing there flipping off the camera. Hilarious. When the reporter asks him why he was in the chimney and his Santa Claus alibi was cracked, the guy says, "I'm just drunk. I live here and that's my girlfriend. So I'm just drunk. Everybody so a-stupid things when they're drunk, OK?" That's some pretty good takin' responsibility right there. That's even some takin' responsibility and admitting that you did something stupid. You really don't hear a whole lot of that these days, so the dude gets my respect for that. What he doesn't get my respect for is wanting a piece of Super Shrew there. What is he thinking? Oh, right, he's just drunk.

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My Favorite People of 2007

I am by no means political and I try to avoid taking any political stance other than that of common sense. Nor do I tend to put a lot of stock in the political opinions of others. That's because this is a nation that elected a President named "Tricky Dick". Twice. I rest my case.

But since you can't avoid the current race for who is going to be each party's candidate, I feel the need to at least pay attention occasionally. And good thing I did, otherwise I might have missed out on Mike Huckabee.

First off, I think he'd really do himself a lot of good if he'd make his slogan "Go Huck Yourself" or at least call himself "The Huckster". Hey, if he had a college named after himself, it could be called "Huck U." (That statement should make you glad I don't get involved in politics.) Aside from that, the reason he's one of my favorite people this year is simply because he just goes out there and says it how he thinks it should be said and does it how he thinks it should be done.

First example: His first YouTube video. The guy stands there and looks at the camera and says, "Hello, YouTube. I'm Mike Huckabee." Hello, YouTube? WTF? I was laughing my ass off. If this guy did a television commercial, would he start out, "Hello, Television."? Hil-arious.

Then there is the currently controversial ad that he released about a week ago. The message of his ad went along these lines: He recognizes America's fatigue with all of the political crap and then he says that at this time of year, "what really matters is the celebration of the birth of Christ." At the end of his ad he throws in a "God Bless" and a "Merry Christmas."

There was some sort of unnecessary uproar because people were claiming that there was a subliminal cross placed in the background of his ad. It wasn't a cross, it was a white bookshelf, by the way. But people were saying that it was a cross and he was trying to make subliminal implications about religion (Huckabee is a minister, apparently). I've seen the spot and I really don't think it was intentional.

Now, the man openly SAYS OUT LOUD the word "Christ". The man openly SAYS OUT LOUD "GOD Bless" and (I repeat, OUT LOUD) "Merry CHRISTMAS". After saying those things, HOW is a cross SUBLIMINAL?! He's talking about Jesus Christ! He's talking about God! He's talking about the reason for the season! And again, OUT LOUD! It's not like he was talking about health care or hurricanes or anything. IF you're talking about something and IF there is an image that is associated with what you're saying, that's NOT subliminal! If anything, it's LIMINAL! (Yes, I made that up. But I needed to make a point.) Seriously, isn't this reaching just a bit? A subliminal white cross in the background of a political Christmas greeting advertisement to sneak in a message about religion? People are reeeeeeeeally stretching here.

But it's Huckabee's responses to this ridiculous accusation that make him one of my favorite people this year. Here's what he said in response, "If we are so politically correct in this country that a person can't say enough of the nonsense with the political attack ads could we pause for a few days and say Merry Christmas to each other then we're really, really in trouble as a country." Excellent. Anything else, Mike?

Of course! He also said: "Actually I will confess this, if you play this spot backwards it says 'Paul is dead, Paul is dead, Paul is dead,' " Nice job, Mike! Do you think all everyone who thinks it was a cross (and is, therefore, clueless as to the meaning of 'subliminal') will realize that his dry wit was directed at them and could possibly be implying a subliminal message that he thinks they're paranoid? Somehow I'm guessing not. (Can you imagine? A minister, talking about Christ at Christmas time!? Yes, what a sneaky bastard he is! Please.)

But it doesn't matter that the idiots will always be idiots. What matters is that this guy will stand up and say if he thinks someone is being ridiculous. And I think that's awesome.

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My Favorite People of 2007

How could I leave this chick out of any list for 2007? I don't care what it is. She has to be there. I'm speaking, of course, such as, of Miss Teen South Carolina, who gave an inexplicable response to the question, "Recent polls have shown that one fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Her response was, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh...people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and...I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S., er, should help the U.S., er, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq (DING! She should have just stopped talking here! But NO! I guess it was important for her to complete this thought?) and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future....for our...

I should probably include Mario Lopez on my list of Favorite People simply because the man kept a straight face (god bless him) as he stood no more than 2 feet away from Miss Teen South Carolina and her epiphany regarding those who are geographically challenged. And all the man said when she mercifully stopped talking was, "Thank you very much. South Carolina." That sounded sooooo much better than it would have if I had been hosting and had to listen to that and shouted, "WTF was that?!? Sooooo much better.

Afterwards, (afterwards being after the "speech" was broadcast all over YouTube for everyone in the world to see, including the US Americans, those in South Africa and in the Iraq) Miss Teen South Carolina claimed that she "didn't understand" the question. Well, thank GOD. Could you imagine if she HAD understood the question and that was her answer?! Geez.

You know what it was like? Aside from painful cringing? You know how on your iPod you can put it on 'Shuffle' and it just plays songs in any order that it feels like and just spits them out one after the other in a completely random fashion? Yeah, it was like she put her vocabulary on shuffle and words just came flying out of her mouth, one after the other in a completely random fashion!

But she's one of my favorite people because this gave me a countless number of enjoyable moments listening to it repeatedly. And I gotta love her for that. But I'll tell ya, it's a good thing she's pretty.

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My Favorite People of 2007

One of my favorite people of 2007 was a guy that you will probably think you've never heard of, but who is someone who I'll bet you've heard. That guy.....George Shea.

George Shea is the announcer for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island that is held every year on the 4th of July. Personally, I wouldn't know where to even begin to announce a hot dog eating contest. What in the hell would I say? Other than, "Ew, gross."? George Shea does not have that problem. He can think of plenty to say. If you've never heard this guy, you've gotta find some audio of it and listen to him. He is hilarious. And full of metaphors, some of which may or may not make sense.

It's pure genius the crap this man throws together as he's yelling at the top of his lungs whilst a bunch of people shove hot dogs down their gullets amidst a screaming crowd of drunken July 4th revelers. And I just love him for it.

What follows is a partial transcript of his eloquent and unique oratory prose (I'm trying to sound like he does and it's just not workin' for me here.). Nice job, George. See ya next 4th!

"We arrive at this moment by the unswerving punctuality of chance!"

"I want my judges to crouch down a little. Judges crouching down. I want my judges down so the people can see. JUDGES GET DOWN! JUDGES GET DOWN!!"

"KOBAYASHI HAS STARTED!! KOBAYASHI HAS STARTED!!! OOOHHHHHHH!!!!"

"And Joey Chestnut has eaten ten hot dogs in fifty seconds. Wheeeerrrreeee DDDOOOEEESSS this man FIIIINNNDD the courage? Where does he find the fortitude?"

"Takiro Kobayashi, who couldn't open his mouth two fingers two days ago has now eaten fifteen hot dogs in under two minutes!"

"But Joey Chestnut is in a zone! I have never seen him eat this way. He has moved past the components of eating! The hand speed! The jaw strength! The stomach capacity! He is eating in an arena of pure emotion! This is about the triumph of the human spirit! It is nothing short of the triumph of the human spirit! As I said."

"For Americans to see the belt go to Japan every year, it's kind of depressing, as well! It's like that song by David Bowie "Major Tom". You're enjoying it and suddenly you realize how sad it is. Major Tom's not coming back. He's out in that tin can! He says to his wife, "I love you very much." She knows! But it's very sad! Major Tom's not coming back! But the BELT may be coming back to Brooklyn!"

"Do I have a cry of love for this man with a heart of a lion, Takiro Kobayashi?! Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi are neck and neck. Cheek and jowel."

"His ancestors started on the shores of time looking up the wide white highway of history at this the culmination of his DNA!"

"One minute to go!! One minute!! A hero arises to lead a broken planet to victory and that hero is Joey Chestnut! He is standing up like William Wallace! Like Donovan McNabb! Like Joan of Arc before him and he is bringing it forth! He is eating with incredible speed!"

"Three! Two! One! Put down your hot dogs! OOoohhhh!! Oooohhhh!!!"

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