Excuses, excuses

A lot of people seem to freak out when they get called for jury duty. While I don't quite totally get that, I do get some of it. Nothing could seem worse (at the time that you're in the midst of it) to be sitting on a jury, probably next to someone who smells funny, listening to a boring and inarticulate attorney (who you are amazed that they made it through law school, let alone passed the bar exam) attempt to fabricate a justifiable reason as to why his client shouldn't get a speeding ticket. You're completely removed from your normal day-to-day life as you sit there on a hard chair in a little boxed off area (as if you've been identified as probably carriers of the swine flu) with a bunch of other people that you would just rather never have to speak to ever in your life, but definitely never again after the trial is over.

Then there's always deliberations where there is a pretty decent chance you're going to run into the one guy who wants to make everyone's life difficult by either going over the minutiae of the case or by refusing to accept the obvious (either because they're stupid or stoned) and making ridiculous "reasonable doubt" arguments. ("What?! We don't know that he's lying when he says that he can FLY! Maybe he can! Why else would he say that?") Ugh.

And the pay sucks too. I don't know what it is elsewhere, but in California, you're paid a whopping $15 per day, but that doesn't start until the 2nd day. So if you have a one day trial, you're serving your country for free. Actually, you're probably doing it for less than free, as $15 a day is a pay cut for most folks. Oh, and they also pay 34 cents per mile of travel, but only one way. Go figure. I guess they figure that they can pay you to get to the courthouse, but after that, they're not paying you to go anywhere else. I actually find the pittance that California pays out to be rather ironic, as California is in a state of fiscal doom which will realize itself within the next 30 days. The California legislature spends money like drunken sailors on leave (no offense to any drunken sailors out there) in every area where it is possible to spend money (and probably even in some where it isn't possible as well), yet they're forking out what amounts to less than minimum wage for jurors. Nice.

You can get out of jury duty if you have a reasonable excuse. From what I can tell, most things qualify as a reasonable excuse. Financial hardship seems to be the most acceptable. You just tell the judge that you need the money you earn from your real job and that you find $15 a day to be not only a non-living wage, but also rather insulting. OK, you probably better leave off the last part, but you get the idea. Any reason why you can't be there is fine. Anything at all.


Whoops. OK. Anything within REASON.

Take this chap a one Daniel Ellis, who was called for jury duty in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, told the judge that he was unable to serve because "he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar." Now, I'm sure you're wondering what he said or did exactly, in order to convey that message. Well, for starters, on the questionnaire that he and all other potential jurors had to fill out, he wrote that "he didn't like homosexuals and blacks." That's a little clearer.

Judge Gary Nickerson was not impressed with Mr. Ellis' colorful self disclosure. When he questioned him the conversation went something like this:

"You say on your form that you're not a fan of homosexuals," Nickerson said. (Not a fan! How does one tell if one is "a fan of homosexuals", I wonder? Do homosexual fans have tailgate parties like football fans do?)

"That I'm a racist," Ellis interrupted. "I'm frequently found to be a liar, too. I can't really help it."

"I'm sorry?" Nickerson said.

"I said I'm frequently found to be a liar."

"So, are you lying to me now?" Nickerson asked.

"Well, I don't know. I might be." (Ah-ha! The ol' Catch -22. Or between a rock and a hard place. Wait. Or is it takes one to know one? Hmm....)

"I have the distinct impression that you're intentionally trying to avoid jury service," Nickerson said. (See, that's why he's the judge! They pick up on things like that!)

"That's true."

And that's when the judge had him taken into custody with the intention of charging Mr. Ellis with perjury.

I'm kind of surprised that's all Mr. Ellis had in him, really. It's a commendable performance. Award winning, even. But at some point, wouldn't you just expect him to ask if he would personally get to execute the guy if they found him guilty or something like that? Gotta say, I was a little disappointed he didn't pull something like that.

But it would seem that, while it's bad to be a racist, it's even worse to either not be a racist OR to lie about being a racist. Interesting. I did not see that coming.

Granted, the fabrications of Mr. Ellis were better than those of a one Benjamin Ratliffe of Columbus, Ohio. He tried to get out of jury duty a few years ago "by claiming he is a heroin addict and a killer", according to MSNBC.com. Apparently, when he filled out his juror questionnaire, he wrote that he had a "bad jonesin' for heroin." When asked if he had ever fired a weapon, he wrote, "Yes. I killed someone with it, of course. Right." " ::: sigh ::: What a moron. Said moron ended up spending the night in jail for contempt of court. Shocking, I know.

But clearly the best (as well as the least advised) excuse tried to get out of jury duty comes from a one Erik Slye of somewhere in Montana. According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun, Mr. Slye and his equally brilliant wife, Jennifer, filled out "a notarized affidavit seeking to be excused from serving on a District Court panel in Gallatin County." I believe it was the wording that he used which caused the judge to threaten him with jail. It went something (OK, it went exactly) like this:

"Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work I'm not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice" system and I don't want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F--k alone." Click to enlarge and then Behold!

Wow. How old is his dog that it has wrinkles...there?! Another amazing thing, aside form the age of his dog and the wrinkley-ness of the pooch's nether regions, is that not only did one person think that writing that particular scribe and sending it back was a good idea, TWO people thought it was a good idea! By the way, when he was summoned to court, he apologized for his approach. And the humble approach will get you everywhere as it appears to spare him from going to jail He also avoided being cited for a warrant that he had for failure to appear. And I'm sure that you will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that he did NOT have to serve on a jury.

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Jacko in the Wild

It's getting awfully close to July when Michael Jackson will kick off his concerts in London! Naturally (or unnaturally, as is the case with Jacko), questions abound. Will he have a new face? Will he be black again? So many questions. I'd really like it if the guy still had it, if he can still sing and can still move, that would be awesome. But from what I've seen of him over the past few years (which has, thankfully, been very little), I wouldn't be surprised if a) at least one concert was cancelled and b) if it isn't just some big lip-sync show with MAYBE some dancing thrown in. Seriously, are you going to tell me that the individual in this picture:

is going to show up and dance and sing like Michael Jackson in his heyday? I don't think so. But he was out shopping in LA the other day. I'm guessing to pick up a few things before he goes to London, perhaps. Maybe spend a little quality time out shopping with the kids. (You know, I've gotta tell ya, I always do a bit of a double take whenever his kids are mentioned. It's like, "Oh, yeah. That's right. He has kids." Yikes.) Now I don't know if it was either of those things, but I do know one thing that it was. It was weird. Behold!


Ah, yes, a family portrait of middle America. Or not. Granted, with the swine flu craze that's been sweeping the nation, he doesn't look all that out of place with that surgical mask on. Oh, he's still a certifiable freak show, but I've seen so many pictures of softheads wearing masks to protect them from....oh, that's right....they don't know if they protect anyone from anything. Never mind.

But the point is that he was wearing the mask first and now a bunch of other people are wearing the mask (regardless of the reasons, because they're both non-sensical...whatever they are), it's like he's the trendsetter that he used to be back in the days of yore. But there are some areas in the fashion arena in which he is NOT setting many trends. Like his fashion sense as expressed by the outfit that he wore the other day when he went out shopping. Not a trend! Behold!


Yeah, ya blend. Huh. Hard to imagine that something like that shown above could make something like this seem normal:

I realize that the guy needs crazy security and all of those precautions when he goes out in public. But wouldn't it be a lot easier if he didn't make himself so damned easy to recognize? That's the thing about trying to come up with a disguise there, Mike. It's supposed to be so that people DON'T know who you are. You do it in the reverse where your disguise allows EVERYONE to know who you are. During this outing, he had his three children with him. I believe there are two boys and one girl. It's hard to tell when two of them have the same name (Prince Michael) and when the youngest one is called Blanket. How can you tell who is Blanket, who is little Dust Ruffle and who is Pillowcase when they look like they attend a private school in the middle of Mardi Gras? Wow.

Yeah, those masks aren't going to do them much good if they're using them as a defense against the swine flu. Normally I'd say that there was no way that's what they were intending them to be used for, but as you can clearly see, there isn't much normal going on here. Nope. Not much at all. Including the purchases. Behold!

Yes, that appears to be the upper torso of a heavily tattooed male mannequin. And while it seems weird (and it IS), it's not all that different from the rest of Michael's possessions or home decor or even in his decorating tastes. It fits right in if you think of that. Look at some of the wax figures that he owns. Tell me that they don't make Torso Tat Man there seem normal! (Warning: These wax likenesses are creepy looking. They freaked me out just a little bit.) Behold! Oddity!

What is with the two wax little girls from hell? There's not much explaining any of it, really. And again, it's not much different from other things that he owns. Explain this:

You know, when I want a surge protector, I've often wished that I could get one that's being held by an almost upside down life-size Peter Pan figure. Where does one GET something like that? I'VE never seen one during the times that I've ventured out in public. I don't imagine you have either! Seriously though, who even THINKS of that? I've never thought of my surge protector being anything other than a surge protector. Sure, I've wanted a different design that would allow all different sized plugs without wasting any of the outlets, but I've never thought about having it held at the ready by any sort of figure real or fictional! It's not like Peter Pan was about electricity! Or protection from surges! It was about NONE of those things! So what's the connection? Oh, right. The crazy. Got it.

Here we have what appears to be some sort of sparkly bust of MJ. It kind of gives you an idea of what the offspring would look like that was spawned from a union between Michael Jackson and C-3PO.

He has a replica of the Twin Towers. I don't know why. There is a little brass placard in the front of it with writing on it, but I can't make out what it says. It looks like it says "September 22" at the top of it, but that can't be right. Well, it can't be RIGHT, but it can be possible that is what it says. It belongs to Michael Jackson, after all. Anything is possible.

Anything and including things that I don't know what they are. What the hell is this? Behold!

I can't imagine what it's for or what it is. It's obviously a replica of Michael Jackson who seems to be part Stormtrooper as well as a Sheriff, as indicated by the badge on his chest. It has the look of one of those old timey gas pumps and one of those machines at a fair to test your strength. And if I wasn't afraid to think so, I'd think that the 'throne' that he's sitting on is actually 'a throne'! Can't go there. Must...find...other...bizarre...things to look at. Behold!

That is my favorite crazy-ass painting of all time. It's as if he only had enough money to get ONE painting done and so he just had them paint it with everything that he was originally going to have painted in separate paintings. Again, he is part Stormtrooper (with a lace collar, naturally) or a knight and is all draped in what I'm sure is a velour wrap of some sort and is holding a sword with a golden bird (seemingly a parrot) atop it, just like you'd expect. From left to right, there's a monster tree, a unicorn, an odd face in the background and then a crazy eyed alligator. Going down from the alligator we have a child from another land with a haloed crown of thorns above his head. To the right of him is, of course, a deer and the space shuttle. Then there's the chimp that is either communicating by telepathy or has the ability to talk. I'm not sure which. I can't make out the words and I'm not sure that I want to, really.

I'll bet Torso Tat Man doesn't seem so strange now, does he? But Michael seems almost stranger. Hmmm. Odd how that worked out. All I know is that I worry about those kids. What kind of a life are they living over there with Jacko? Are they being schooled? Do they think that their life is normal? What is their habitat? What do they feed their young? Questions, questions, questions.

Actually, I take it back. Even with the swine flu and a few softheads wearing facial masks, Michael still is far from normal looking or acting. Perhaps someone could mention to him that the flamboyant peacock masks for his children to wear in public is...well....too eccentric to make it acceptable, let's just put it that way. I'm sure we'll see plenty more of him out in the world, shopping for God only knows what, in the near future. I'm sure that it won't be long before he too is sporting the peacock mask. And as shallow as it may seem, if the man (?) can still sing and dance like the Michael of the 80s, I don't care if he walks around town dressed like one of the Rockettes (since he seems rather fond of feathers). Do whatever you want and we'll ignore it, but only as long as we know that the crazy hasn't taken away all of your talent.

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A Princely View of Things

Well, it's good to know that if Michael Jackson ever becomes sane again (or ever becomes black again) that there will be someone to take his place. Thank God for Prince to fill the void in the wacky pop singer's personal life category if we ever need one.



Prince has always been an odd duck. He's this wispy dude with little pipe cleaner arms that flail about like linguini when he's playing he guitar in a manner that is simply unbelievable. So don't get me wrong; I DIG Prince. He's one of the few little femmy guys who I think could totally kick somebody's ass if they picked a fight with him. I can't think of any others who could, can you? (Seriously, think about it. Clay Aiken? Toast. Ryan Seacrest? He'd curl up in a ball on the floor and sob for days. I think I made my point.) But he gave an interview with a one Tavis Smiley, who does a talk show on PBS.

No! No! No! That's GUY Smiley! I'm talking about Tavis Smiley.

That's better. So Tavis Smiley interviews Prince and the thing that obviously stands out at first about Prince is that the man is thin. Rail thin. We're talking Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie thin. His head is shaped like a Q-tip on top of a breadstick. And it seems to float on top of his neck, which is quite odd.

But if looks were the strangest thing about this interview, I wouldn't have much to go on. (Besides, in order for his looks to warrant being totally "strange" he'd have to look stranger than Michael Jackson, which is a pretty difficult feat for anyone to accomplish.) It's when Tavis asks him about the lyrics of a song "Dreamer" from Princes album LotusFlow3r that we get a glimpse inside of this guy's head.

According to an article in Rolling Stone, Prince tells him, "..when I saw the "State of the Black Union," Dick Gregory really moved me...I show it to everybody...especially white folks, because they need to hear that, so that they know more about all of us."

OK, look, I have an issue with something. It's the part about ..."so that they know more about all of us." US?? Prince is black?!

Then he continued on with odyssey of oddness with, "He said something...about this phenomena of chem trails and when I was a kid, I used to see these trails in the sky all the time and I'd say, "Oh, that's cool - a jet just went over." And then you started to see a whole bunch of them and the next you know, everybody in your neighborhood was fighting and arguing and you didn't know why, okay? And you really didn't know why. I mean, everybody was fighting. So he started riffing about the chem trails...I was so moved that I had to write the song." Um, what?

Even if you've never heard the term 'chem trails', you likely know that they are the white exhaust or 'smoke' that airplanes sometimes leave in the sky. Prince and Dick Gregory and a bunch of other softheads believe that the airplane exhaust is really a cover for the chemicals that the government is spreading over the land to control the people or something like that. They believe it's a big conspiracy. The Chem Trails Conspiracy. All rightee then. What else?

Well, as I looked through the transcript of the interview over there on PBS I found out that Prince is somewhat of a history buff when he revealed, "We're all indentured servants. When I found out there were eight presidents before George Washington, I wanted to smack somebody. I wanted to know why I was taught otherwise. Just tell me the whole story - I'll fill in the blanks. But don't tell me something that you think I'm supposed to know." Um, wait.

Eight presidents before George Washington? The George Washington who was the FIRST President? I find that unlikely. I find it even more unlikely that PRINCE would be the one informing me of this if it were true. After a quick check (God bless those Google boys) my suspicions were confirmed. Prince is nuts.

There were not eight presidents before George Washington. Prince is referring to the time when the Confederation Congress was running the show based on the Articles of the Confederation. But it was the Constitution, NOT the Articles of Confederation, that created the position known as President of the United States. And I could elaborate more on this concept, but I'm supposed to be amusing, not boring! (Actually, I should just be able to say "Prince is nuts" and leave it at that after the sort of statement that he made, but for some reason, you have to explain WHY people are nuts. That used to be one of the great things about other people's nuttiness; there was no need for explanation. They were just crazy. But if you do need more explanation, the folks over there at Snopes.com have done a fabulous job of it.)

And to briefly touch on his claim of all of us being "indentured servants", he might want to check the definition of such again, as we're not. I understand that he's basically trying to imply that we're all "workin' for the man" or something like that, but indentured servitude is not how we're going about it. Following that however, Smiley said, "We're indentured servants and we've got a Black president now?" And that's when we learned that Prince doesn't vote. "Well, I don't vote. I don't have nothing to do with it. I got no dog in that race." Um, we weren't voting for dogs.

You know, people like that? I'm glad they don't vote. Really. That's fine with me. In fact, there are a lot of people who DO vote who I wish would not vote. Simply because they have no idea what they're voting FOR or AGAINST. The feel good voters! (Translation: Morons, that is correct.) When Smiley asked him why he didn't vote, he said, "Well, the reason why is because I'm one of Jehovah's witnesses and we've never voted. That's not to say that I don't think Barack Obama - President Obama - is a very smart individual and he seems like he means well. Prophecy is what we all have to go by now."

Oh, for hell's sake! Couldn't he have just said he was a Jehovah's Witness at the beginning of the interview and saved us all the perplexing stares and Scooby head tilts?! If they had just put a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen that said "Tonight's guest is a Jehovah's Witness", THEN instead of saying, "What?!" when he's talking about eight other Presidents, we simply would have gone, "Aaahhh. OK." .

I'm just glad the wackiness will continue even after Michael Jackson doesn't continue. Though I have the feeling that after Michael's concerts in London in July, there might not be any need for a successor to the Throne of Wackiness. Those concerts might give us all something to talk about for a long, long time. But even if they don't, it's good to know we can just pull Prince out of the cupboard and wind him up and let him go! Hours of entertainment fun for the whole family!

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When Swine Flew

Wow. Leave it to a possible outbreak of a flu virus to allow the media to just run rampant and exemplify one of two things, possibly both. This whole swine flu dealio has enabled the media to either show us a) how stupid they are or b) how stupid they think we are. It's one of those. I'm sure of it.


Take, for example, this little slideshow that was over there at USAToday. The title of the slide show is "Swine Flu Epidemic. People worldwide try to protect themselves." First of all, nice job with the inflammatory 'try' to protect themselves. As if to imply that it may well be completely futile to do anything at all. You just might be doomed no matter what. You poor sap. But that's not all!

Here are the pictures they show us:

Children learn how to wash their hands properly in China.

A hospital worker displays a mask in Spain.

An immigration officer checks a passenger's papers in India.

Street vendors play chess in Mexico.


Wait. What?

What the hell is that? CHESS?!?! People are trying to protect themselves from swine flu by playing CHESS??I don't think they are! Just a hunch. Call me crazy, but I don't think they are! What did they do when everyone thought SARS was going to kill half of the world's population? Break out the Parchesi board? Do we reach for Monopoly or Yahtzee if that bird flu ever comes back? I always get it the wrong way. I always break out Monopoly for bird flu when it's supposed to be Yahtzee. When will I ever learn that Monopoly is for an outbreak of whooping cough (or whooping cranes which, while admittedly unlikely, would still be something that I'd really like to see!). Give me a freaking break.

But wait. There's more!

Again, the USA Today (which I am becoming convinced is either being run by kindergartners or Paris Hilton, as all are of a relatively equal level of functioning, with the kindergartners scoring slightly higher in all areas) offers us the article "Stay safe from swine flu with 3 simple steps". Well! That sounds like news I can use! Let's see what those three simple steps are, shall we?

Step Number One: Wash your hands thoroughly and often.

Now that is important. Hand washing with SOAP and WATER (not with that anti-bacterial gel crap, so get your little squirty bottle away from me) is the most effective way to prevent most viruses from transmitting themselves from person to person. Excellent advice. The other two tips must be just as good.

Step Number Two: Cover your cough.

OK, covering your cough will help not SPREAD the swine flu around (provided that the one who has it is also the one who is coughing), but covering your cough will not help keep you safe from the swine flu. That's not a step that I can take to keep myself safe! And yet there it is, right there, in the list of 'Three simple steps' that will help me 'stay safe from swine flu'. Hmmm. That's interesting because now we're down to TWO steps. Let's look at the third, shall we?

Step Number Three: Stay home when you're sick.

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

Um, that's not going to keep me from getting sick either as, by the definition of what I was just told, if I'm staying home when I'm sick, I'm already sick! It's not helping me to NOT get sick! I'm SICK! What is wrong with you people?!

This! This is why newspapers are failing! This is a perfect example of how badly the media just sucks these days. This article tells me I'm going to get three steps and I only get ONE! How many times do you think that this list has been reproduced in publications elsewhere without one, not ONE person stopping to realize, "Hey! Wait a minute! There's only one step here!" Plenty! And yet it keeps happening.

It is as if the media doesn't care about reporting real news and real information, but would rather cater to the populous of those with a sub-60 I.Q.Take the State of California (please!) and consider the swine flu advice that they give on their website.

"Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it."

:::: blink :::: ::::blink ::::
Thank you, State of California! I never would have thought to throw my mucus filled tissue in the trash (of all places!) after I've just hacked bodily fluids all over it. Never occurred to me! Nope. See, I've just been collecting all of my used tissues and pressing them together. I'm trying to make a replica of the Empire State Building out of nothing but my used tissues! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

The State of California, not content with only including the above advice as a way of indicating that they think my brain is made of hay, also have included this Hint from Heloise or Advice from Arnold or whatever the heck it is:

"Try to avoid close contact with sick people."

:::: blink :::: :::: blink ::::
Well, I'm certainly glad they told me that! That's one that would have just blown right by me. Yep. You know, I was thinking of everything else. I was building a hyperbaric chamber to sleep in (I used the design plans that were the same ones that Michael Jackson used for his), I've already bought two scuba tanks and scuba gear and I breath the oxygen from those tanks all the time (I also walk around in the flippers and wetsuit, but that's mainly just for fun), and I've bought one of those spray tan booths, only I've replaced the tanning spray with Purell. But even after all of that, it never occurred to me to stay away from sick people. Thank God for the government. (Translation: We're doomed.)

And as if all of this wasn't enough to make you just plant your head into the nearest wall, I will also tell you that the CDC, the C freaking DC, the Centers for Disease Control offers up the same tips for keeping yourself safe from the flu that were printed in the USA Today and that were on the State of California's website. I swear.

Look, I know that there are morons out there. I know that there are super morons out there. We ALL know that. Except for the morons, they might be a little clueless in that arena. But the more and more that I hear stuff like these "tips" the more and more I begin to think and/or realize that the majority of the morons work in the government!

So as you practice the ONE simple step to help you stay safe from swine flu, remember these not so helpful, but oh-so-amusing random thoughts:

The REGULAR flu kills an average of 36,000 people in this country EVERY YEAR. Why that is not the headline every, single day is beyond me. So far, the swine flu has made a handful of people in this country mildly ill. And...

The government doesn't want to call the swine flu "the swine flu" any more because of what it says about swine. It appears to be some sort of politically correct move, perhaps a portion of the No Swine Left Behind bill or something like that. Of course they haven't come up with an alternate name yet (and it won't matter if they do, as people have been calling it 'the swine flu' for about a week now, so it's pretty much set in stone), but I have! Since it's the swine flu, I shall return the name to it's Latin roots, well, to it's PIG Latin roots and begin referring to it as the "Wine-say U-flay". It's either that or The Three Little Pigs of the Apocalypse Virus. Your choice, but wine-say u-flay is a heckuva lot of fun to say!



No pigs were harmed in the writing of this post. Several, however, were rather embarrassed.

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