And No One Gets Fired

I like to goof off at work as much as the next person. But I've decided that I want to take my shenanigans to a whole different level. And I want to be all shenanigan-y and not have to worry about any repercussions. That's what I want. Ergo, I want a job with the federal government.

I'm sure that by now you've heard the story of how the Justice Department spent outrageous sums of money on minor items. What we're talking about specifically are things like spending sixteen dollars for one muffin and spending $8.24 for one cup of coffee and five bucks for a Swedish meatball. And all of this ridiculous gastronomical spending took place at conferences that the Justice Department held at places like the Hilton in San Francisco. Real smart.

Now look, I've been to plenty of conferences in my time. And this is what I can tell you about them: They're boring as can be. No one really looks forward to them, though they do appreciate a day or two away from the regular grind whilst still getting paid. There isn't a single thing at a conference that can't be conveyed to the attendees in some memo or packet form. Oh, and the notion that you have to travel somewhere to attend a conference? Completely ludicrous. There's nothing that you need/want to "learn" that you need to travel to. Ask anyone. It's all bull.

And after an audit revealed that the Justice Department spends money with less restraint than a drunken sailor on leave (my apologies to all drunken sailors, and thank you for your service), everyone was suddenly up in arms. Arms everywhere! And we heard quotes like this one from a one Charles E. Grassley as quoted in the Washington Post: "Sixteen-dollar muffins and $600,000 for event planning services are what make Americans cynical about government and why they are demanding change." Um, well, yeah. He's partially correct.

See, the follow up to revelations like this, again according to the Washington Post, went like this: "The Obama administration reacted to reports of $16 dollar muffins served at Justice Department conferences by ordering agencies to review the spending of taxpayer dollars at such meetings." Wait. That's ALL?!

ALL that they're going to do is ask agencies to REVIEW the spending of MY money?! Why in the bloody hell are they not doing that in the first place?! Remember all of that hope and change blather? Nothing has changed! Thus, my lack of hope! Don't you think that if "change" was your priority that you would have "changed" things a long time ago? Are you kidding me?! Some softhead out there (getting paid with MY money) thinks that it is OK to spend $16 each on many, many muffins and they don't get fired?!

I think that most people just assume that there is going to be waste. What makes us angrier than the waste is that nothing ever happens to the people who are buying all of these $16 muffins! They get to keep their job. Why is that?! It's MY money! I want them fired! I want people who have not a care in the world as to how they spend someone else's money on someone besides themselves FIRED. I don't want those people working in the federal government and I certainly don't want them in charge of anything having to do with accountability of finances! It's NOT irresponsibility. It's incompetence!

And I swear to you, if I read one, just ONE account of any of this incompetent spending having originated during the Bush administration, I am going to lose it. I don't care. This is what is happening now. And people need to be held accountable...by being fired. Also, if anyone out there has any idea what a $16 muffin tastes like, I'd like to know.

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No Mo Spending!

Holy crap. Someone in Washington (well, more than one someone) has actually come up with a list of proposed cuts to cut Federal spending. It actually happened. I'm stunned. Now, there's no guarantee that any of these things are going to actually get cut. But as I read the list, I was wondering how in the world we ended up spending a freaking DIME on some of these things! Seriously. Did you know that annually, the Federal government shells out $1 million in (wait for it) mohair subsidies?! Subsidies for the hair of a mo! I've never even seen a mo! How much hair do they have? How much do they need? Why do the mos and their hair require my money?! Ah, so many questions, so few answers. Let's look at some other proposed cuts that I can't believe we're already spending money on. (For the record, while I am a proponent of almost any sort of cut in spending, I am against any cuts to any sort of non-wasteful, effective spending on our military and for our veterans. Listen, you take a job knowing that you could end up stationed in one of the crazy, crazy Sand Lands for a few years, the least I can do is help you out a little bit when you get back.)

Get this: Did you know that there is a "death gratuity" for members of Congress? There is. Do you know what that means? I didn't, but when I looked it up, I was appalled. If you're a member of Congress and you die, your family gets a payment (that is paid for by the taxpayers) that is equal to one year's salary. According to something called The Daily Caller, when crooked ol' John Murtha croaked it "his family got a $174,000 payment". When the overly ancient Sen. Robert Byrd died, "...his family received $193,400." When Sen. Ted Kennedy died, "...taxpayers footed the bill for $174,000 in payments to his family." Do you think that ol' Ted Kennedy's family needed almost $200k? I can't possibly imagine that they did. Apparently, this thing "...was at one time meant to act as a form of life insurance for the families of Members who met an untimely demise". But now that almost every single Senator is a millionaire, I'm hardly thinking that this is necessary. (By the way, when my dad died, do you know how much the Social Security payout was to my mom? $252. Not $252 thousand. $252. I was so insulted I almost told them to keep it. Oh, and this was in 2005, not the fifties or anything. And I know that it's sort of apples and oranges, but they're both fruits, so there's some parallel here. Man, I like fruit.)

What else? Oh, they want to eliminate the Davis-Bacon Act (which has been screwing taxpayers since 1931) to save more than $1 billion annually. This Act basically made it so that government contracts must pay a prevailing wage. According to Wikipedia (take it for what it's worth), "All federal government construction contracts, and most contracts for federally assisted construction over $2,000, must include provisions for paying workers on-site no less than the locally prevailing wages and benefits paid on similar projects." So, there's no getting anything done cheaper if you can. Nope. No sense in even bidding low. Nope. That it costs over a billion dollars a year makes me insane. That it has been in effect since 1931 (even though it has been suspended from time to time), makes me even crazier. Wouldn't you think that someone would realize that if it is being suspended (for reasons such as faster recovery from hurricanes) on occasion and things are just fine without it, shouldn't it pretty much be deemed unnecessary? Oh, wait. It's a government program. Never mind.

Did you know that we provide economic assistance to Egypt? We do. Do you know how much assistance we provide Egypt? $250 million per year. Do you know WHY we assist Egypt? Neither do I. Their economy ranks 27th in the world. That's not too shabby. Their unemployment rate in 2009 was 9.37%. Um, that's kind of about the same as the unemployment here in the US. You don't think that we could have used that $250 million to economically assist our own citizens? Unbelievable. By the way, we're also giving $17 million dollars each year to Ireland. No answer for that one, either.

And this little recap wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention that we spent $76 million annually on something called the Appalachian Regional Commission. According to their website, "The Appalachian Regional Commission (ARC) is a regional economic development agency that represents a partnership of federal, state, and local government." Why just in the Appalachian region? Let's see...well, it was established in 1965 by an act of Congress. OK. I'm noticing that it seems to encompass all of West Virginia, so I'm going to have to assume that a Senator from West Virginia was heavily involved in this getting started. Hmm...I'm also reading that it has something to do with the War on Poverty in the mountains. OK, that's it. What a bunch of crap. $76 million? Really? For 40 years? Unbelievable.

Below is the entire list of cuts that are proposed by my new heroes (well, for today), the Republican Study Committee (courtesy of The Huffington Post). Their study claims that "The plan would reduce federal spending by $2.5 trillion over a decade". So when you hear some softhead say something to the effect of "it's just a drop in the bucket", please remind their dense, non-functioning selves that if you don't start putting drops of water IN the bucket, you're never going to fill up the bucket! You have to start somewhere! What part of that don't people understand?! Stop spending my money on the hair of the mo!

➢ Corporation for Public Broadcasting Subsidy. $445 million annual savings.

➢ Save America's Treasures Program. $25 million annual savings.
➢ International Fund for Ireland. $17 million annual savings.
➢ Legal Services Corporation. $420 million annual savings.
➢ National Endowment for the Arts. $167.5 million annual savings.
➢ National Endowment for the Humanities. $167.5 million annual savings.
➢ Hope VI Program. $250 million annual savings.
➢ Amtrak Subsidies. $1.565 billion annual savings.
➢ Eliminate duplicative education programs. H.R. 2274 (in last Congress), authored by Rep. McKeon, eliminates 68 at a savings of $1.3 billion annually.
➢ U.S. Trade Development Agency. $55 million annual savings.
➢ Woodrow Wilson Center Subsidy. $20 million annual savings.
➢ Cut in half funding for congressional printing and binding. $47 million annual savings.
➢ John C. Stennis Center Subsidy. $430,000 annual savings.
➢ Community Development Fund. $4.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Heritage Area Grants and Statutory Aid. $24 million annual savings.
➢ Cut Federal Travel Budget in Half. $7.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Trim Federal Vehicle Budget by 20%. $600 million annual savings.
➢ Essential Air Service. $150 million annual savings.

➢ Technology Innovation Program. $70 million annual savings.
➢ Manufacturing Extension Partnership (MEP) Program. $125 million annual savings.
➢ Department of Energy Grants to States for Weatherization. $530 million annual savings.
➢ Beach Replenishment. $95 million annual savings.
➢ New Starts Transit. $2 billion annual savings.
➢ Exchange Programs for Alaska, Natives Native Hawaiians, and Their Historical Trading Partners in Massachusetts. $9 million annual savings.
➢ Intercity and High Speed Rail Grants. $2.5 billion annual savings.
➢ Title X Family Planning. $318 million annual savings.
➢ Appalachian Regional Commission. $76 million annual savings.
➢ Economic Development Administration. $293 million annual savings.
➢ Programs under the National and Community Services Act. $1.15 billion annual savings.
➢ Applied Research at Department of Energy. $1.27 billion annual savings.
➢ FreedomCAR and Fuel Partnership. $200 million annual savings.
➢ Energy Star Program. $52 million annual savings.
➢ Economic Assistance to Egypt. $250 million annually.
➢ U.S. Agency for International Development. $1.39 billion annual savings.
➢ General Assistance to District of Columbia. $210 million annual savings.
➢ Subsidy for Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. $150 million annual savings.

➢ Presidential Campaign Fund. $775 million savings over ten years.
➢ No funding for federal office space acquisition. $864 million annual savings.
➢ End prohibitions on competitive sourcing of government services.
➢ Repeal the Davis-Bacon Act. More than $1 billion annually.
➢ IRS Direct Deposit: Require the IRS to deposit fees for some services it offers (such as processing payment plans for taxpayers) to the Treasury, instead of allowing it to remain as part of its budget. $1.8 billion savings over ten years.
➢ Require collection of unpaid taxes by federal employees. $1 billion total savings.
➢ Prohibit taxpayer funded union activities by federal employees. $1.2 billion savings over ten years.
➢ Sell excess federal properties the government does not make use of. $15 billion total savings.
➢ Eliminate death gratuity for Members of Congress.
➢ Eliminate Mohair Subsidies. $1 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate taxpayer subsidies to the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. $12.5 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate Market Access Program. $200 million annual savings.
➢ USDA Sugar Program. $14 million annual savings.
➢ Subsidy to Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD). $93 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate the National Organic Certification Cost-Share Program. $56.2 million annual savings.
➢ Eliminate fund for Obamacare administrative costs. $900 million savings.
➢ Ready to Learn TV Program. $27 million savings.

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Things Not To Do With The Spending Bill Windfall

You know there are enough "earmarks" in the new Omnibus spending bill (Buses? Omnis? I thought we were supposed to be doing the "Buy American" thing? Why are we buying Omnis? Do we need buses?) that when you start to realize the scope of it all, you really want to hang yourself and the sooner the better. But before you go reaching for the rope and that book on how to tie knots (the noose is a surprisingly tricky knot to master! And you really need to get that one down if you want to get good use out of it.) perhaps we should look at some things that are not in the bill.

Actually, not so much "not in the bill", but moreso things that the money cannot be spent on as specified by the bill. Now, some of the things that the freshly minted money cannot be spent on concern me only because it has to be spelled out that those things cannot be done. I'd like to think that someone wouldn't be spending the money on those things in the first place. (But then again, I'd also like to think that this trillion dollar debt is going to save us rather than doom us and I'm no where near that mindset.)

Let's see what we can't do. And yes, it's "we" who can't do these things. It's "our" money, so I have to assume they're talking to "us" when they're laying down the rules like this. Now, back to spending our future. Ahem....

• We can't use any of the funds for the Justice Department budget to pay for an abortion. (And if that stipulation would present a conundrum for you, I suggest you do a little reading about what is supposed to be going on over there at the Justice Department.)
  
  
• We're not allowed to rent VCRs or video tapes for Federal prisons. (VCRs?! When did they write this stipulation? 1987?)
  
  
• We can't put a label that says "Made in America" on your product if it really wasn't "Made in America". (Oh, now if there were only a provision that says that our Representatives can't say that they did not earmark money for a specific pet project, only to find out that they did but they just called it something different.)
  
  
• We can't use any of the funds to support or justify torture. (How, exactly, would the funds be used for this purpose? The supporting or the justifying? Picket signs? Large placards? Bell ringers with sandwich boards? I don't get it.)
  
  
• We can't use the funds "to authorize or issue a national security letter in contravention of any of the following laws authorizing the Federal Bureau of Investigation to issue national security letters." (That from the Redundant Department of Redundancy Department. What the hell? I'm supposed to trust that those folks can manage all of this money and make correct decisions when they can't even write out a coherent sentence?)
  
  
• None of the funds can be "used for the maintenance or care of private vehicles except for emergency assistance and CLEANING as may be provided under regulations relating to parking facilities." (Cleaning. Cleaning?! So, no using MY money to clean the government's vehicles unless it's an emergency or if it has water spots?!)
  
  
• We're not allowed to use the funds to distribute syringes. (I wouldn't know where to get any to distribute in the first place. Nor do I know anyone for whom to distribute them to. So, done!)
  
  
• You cannot stop the Mayor of the District of Columbia for addressing the issue of the provision of contraceptive coverage of health insurance plans (so don't even try!).
  
  
• None of the funds can be used to travel to visit relatives in Cuba. (See, this is one of the ones that makes me wonder why we had to specify that you can't go visit your relatives in Cuba with the Federal Spending Bill money. I can only assume that it has happened at least once that someone knows of and they just want to cover all of the bases in the future, even if those bases are in Havana.)
  
  
• The United States Mint cannot open a museum. (Were they TRYING to open a museum?)
  


• We are not allowed to redesign the $1 Federal Reserve Note. (WHAT?!?! But the drawings! The engravings! The plates! My God, the plates! Do you know how long I've been anticipating redesigning the $1 Federal Reserve Note? Hours at least! What about the $5? Is the $5 off limits. IS there a $5?)
  
  
• We are also not allowed to drain Lake Powell. Good to know. (Guess I can return that hose to Home Depot now.)
  
  
• Nor are we are not allowed to "offer for sale the timber from trees classified as a giant sequoia." (Sequoiadendrom giganteum, for those of you keeping track).
  
  
• And furthermore, we are not allowed to "import any ruminant or swine that is fresh, chilled or frozen if it comes from Argentina." (It's the Argentinian ruminants of chilled swine that's really been a problem in this country. We MUST get a handle on it! Soon!)
  

And that's just the beginning. The beginning of things that we cannot do with stimulus money. What I'm waiting for is to see what they can do with the stimulus money. Not "what's allowed", but what the money can do, can accomplish. Because this is an awful lot of money that we're talking about here, so by God, it had better do something other than sink us into a quicksand-like bog of debt

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