But It's The Truth

It was probably only a matter of time before we began to hear from the relatives of the chick that slept with Arnold Schwarzenegger and bore his illegitimate miniature bodybuilder offspring with a seemingly inherited giant head. Yesterday, we got to hear from the daughter of ex-Schwarzenegger maid Mildred Baena. That would be a one Jackie Roso. Let's see what drivel she spewed so that people could pretend that they're interested.

She apparently told "Entertainment Tonight" in regard to her mother that "She's like a superwoman, pretty much...She's always been there for us, for me and my brothers. And that's why me and my brothers will always be there for her, no matter what." Yeah, I'd say that she's a superwoman. Anyone who could keep the secret that they're sleeping with their boss (who happens to be the governor of California) WHILE still working in the family home is somewhat of a superwoman. Somewhat of a superwhore as well, but I'm OK with the superwoman moniker.

The best part though, was this: "It doesn't matter what any newspaper says... I know my mom, and her friends and her family, we all know her. The Mildred that they put out there...it's just like...gossip, rumors." Well, I don't know what exactly she's referring to, but pretty much all I've heard is not really as much gossip and rumors as it is the truth. And those "rumors" didn't so much come from the media as much as they actually came from Arnold himself when he admitted to being a lying and cheating scumbag and fathering your child. It's hard to imagine any reason for him to say those things unless they were true. So it's really not so much gossip and rumors as much as it is your mom is a homewrecker.

I'm not quite sure why this chick feels the need to say anything considering that her mom hasn't spoken up yet at all. She also, apparently, hasn't spoken to her mom since all of this came out. She might want to wait just a little bit longer next time she decides to speak out about things that are totally true. Just a thought.

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The Other Women Want Apologies

Now, I expected that there would be a little bit of talk from folks after Tiger Woods's apology. Mostly I figured that it would be people discussing whether or not he was sincere or not. What I wanted to hear was people explaining why he chose that particular moment to "apologize" or whatever you want to call it. I mean, he wasn't announcing that he was returning to golf. There hadn't been any public developments that anyone was aware of. It was just out of the blue. But of course, since that's a legitimate question, most of the mainstream media didn't address that. Shocking, I know. Aside from that, while I did expect to hear stuff like I described above, what I did not expect to hear were complaints....from the women that he was sleeping with.

That's right. Tiger Woods's whores (I call 'em whores, some call them mistresses) are upset that he did not publicly apologize to THEM during his little speech on Friday. Wait. What now?

Correct. At least two of the mistress-y whores wanted an apology. First up we have Jamie Jungers. She went on E! Online and talked to some dude who I had never seen before and said that she felt that he should have addressed not her in particular, but all of the women that he slept with (I guess that would include his wife, but it's hard to say). According to the article over at The Huffington Post, since she claims to have slept with Tiger on the night that his father died, she "...did not hesitate to reference Earl Woods' passing. "I've seen his face and his emotions when his father died and this was different.... I'm not going to call him a liar but...he's playing that card." Well, she might be right, but she's not right in the way that she thinks that she's right.

See, one's emotions are going to be different on the night that someone, say their father, dies than they are going to be when they are standing behind a podium and blathering on about how sorry they are for something. I'm sure his emotions were different. So I don't know what card he could possibly be playing. That one is definitely a head scratcher.

The other head scratcher is her acting as if she has somehow been victimized by all of this. She claims in the E! clip "If it were up to me, I never would have done it to begin with, but I was young and stupid." Young and stupid aside, I'm pretty sure that it was always up to her. I'm pretty sure that no one forced her to sleep with the world's best golfer. Pretty sure of that.

The other disgruntled mistress is Veronica Siwik Daniels, also known as Jocelyn James. She has to go by a different name for all of the porn that she films. (Oh, that's right. That Tiger hooked up with the classy ones.) Ms. James has managed to get herself hooked up with the most despicable person on the planet, attorney Gloria Allred. Gloria Allred is like the queen of the publicity chasers. If there is an incident that is even the slightest bit in the public eye, mark my words that you will find Gloria Allred trying to weasel her way into it somehow. She's just a horrible, horrible human being. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't have a human soul.

Gloria Allred held her own little press conference after Tiger's. Again, over at The Huffington Post, we learn that Gloria Allred said that "I just watched Tiger Woods' apology on television, and he said that many people believed in him. He also said he wanted to make amends. He did not apologize by name to my client, Veronica, and I ask, why no apology?"

If you really have to ask "Why no apology?", then you're dumber than I thought. What is he going to apologize to these women for exactly? For lying to them? I'm sorry but if you're having an affair with someone who is married, can you really believe anything that they say? After all, they have no problem lying to and cheating on their spouse. Why would anyone expect that it would be any different with the person who is the cheatee? You wouldn't. Well, they did, so I guess I should have wrote that they shouldn't.

I find it amazing that these women want an apology from Tiger Woods. An apology for what now? For not being the only person that he was cheating on his wife with? That sounds like an odd apology to demand. Do they expect an apology because he told them that he loved them and only wanted to be with them? Please. What else was he going to say? "You're just one in a very long line of sluts."? I don't think that would have gone over very well.

People are amazing. So many people just expect that they should have people feel sorry for them when they're the ones who got themselves into whatever mess they're in. In the case of these women, the only difference between them and other women that sleep with married men is that the other women don't have a public platform to stand behind and cry about how hurt they are. Other than that, other than these women being able to let the whole world know that they feel that they were wronged, there's no difference.

Say, ladies? How do you think Tiger's wife would have felt about him apologizing to y'all? I'm guessing that wouldn't have gone over very well. And on top of that, he's never going to apologize to y'all because he never cared about you in the first place. Why apologize for something you don't care about? Harsh? Perhaps. But it seems like the truth. Get over it ladies. Go find some NBA player to sleep with.

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Confirmed Bimbo Number Eight!

I said I'd let you know when I knew! And I know! Well, I know what others are telling me. Others in this case would be The Huffington Post. And they are saying that one of the previously unconfirmed women that Tiger Woods was sleeping with has been identified. And said identification has now upped the total that we're looking at to eleven. (Come on, Tiger! Four more and my guess is dead on! Come on, whores! Come out, come out, wherever you are!)

See, yesterdays roll call of hussies had the number pegged at 10 (but with sadly only 9 spots on my Brady Bunch-esque pictorial scorecard). Today's bimbette is in addition to the throngs mentioned yesterday. So we're still waiting for another pancake house waitress, a Brit and an elderly woman to step forward. But while we're waiting, we can feast our eyes and our waning disbelief on this woman, a one Joslyn James. Behold!

Holy canoli, that's a lot of women. Hey, Tiger. What is it with you and women with the first and last initials of J. Jaimee Grubbs, Jamie Jungers and now Joslyn James. Though of the three double sets of J's, I'm going to have to go with James winning the raunchy contest (if one were being held, of course). She's top ho, that's for sure.

I found a profile/biography/resume for Ms. James over at the LH Talent Casting website. I'm guessing, just judging from the pictures of Ms. James, that the LH stands for "Lotsa Hoes". By the way, that site is SO NSFWAA (Not Safe For Work AT ALL), you might want to make sure that there are no small children nearby when you're checking it out. I know you're going to. Don't lie.

I, personally, have a hard time getting past the heading that says "Seymore Butts Light House Talent Casting". It's certainly not false advertising. You're definitely going to Seymore Butts on that site than you would over here, that's for sure. The woman has a very large set of breasticles implanted. I'm not sure what they implanted, but from the looks of it, I'm guessing cantaloupes. Good Lord, ma'am. Most folks carry business cards.

The resume at the casting agency lists the sort of work that Ms. James is available for. Let's just say that it includes everything except for bestiality. Anything else she seems to be game for. And while I'll agree that most of the time it's a good idea to cast a wide net and expand your horizons in the employment industry, what say if you're a whore, you narrow down that net just a bit, OK sweetheart? OK, then.

Tiger's whores are getting trashier and trashier as this tale drags itself out longer and longer. Again, we're still just limited to this continent. Once the stories start hitting the British papers and his bimbos over there begin to get wind of the amount of money the other whores were paid to tell their story, they're going to start talking in those fabulously accented voices of theirs rather quickly. I guarantee it. If at least one Brit is linked to Tiger, I will guarantee that at the very least, two more will come out of the woodwork and show off their fake breasts.

I've started playing a little game with all of this. I call it "How Many Whores By Morning?" I chose morning rather than at the end of the day because I figured that the women would be rising on the whore-izon. By the time I get up every morning, how many more whores will have come forward and say that they fornicated like crazed mammals with the aforementioned adulterer, Tiger Woods? Because you realize that's what's happened. Almost every day, a new woman surfaces. It's almost unbelievable. And that leads me into my question.

HOW on earth were THIS MANY women able to have kept quiet or been kept quiet for so long? Seriously. They didn't figure that they could have sold their story before now? I don't understand that at all. Was he paying them off to be quiet? Did they all think that they were the only one and when they found out that they were so NOT the only one that they acted out as the scorned ho and told all to the highest bidder? WHY hasn't this happened before the circle of whores became so large and widespread (sort of like all of their legs)? I'm open to theories. Please post them because I'm out of guesses.

Stay tuned for the next round of whores to come out of the woodwork. I'll also take guesses on how long it will be before Tiger finds himself sitting on Oprah's couch, begging for forgiveness and trying to explain his animalistic desire to uncontrollably mate with anything that moves.

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Sorry For Being Caught

I'll tell you what, if a particular job ever has an available slot to be filled (and provided that this particular job I'll be referring to actually exists, which I don't think it really does and that's a shame because oh, oh, oh, what a great job it would be) I want to know how to get on the short list of candidates for that job. From what I envision (again, if such a post actually exists) the job is totally cush, totally easy and you can just recycle the material that you come up with time and time again for various clients and it will always be applicable and "effective". The job I want? Public statement writer and press conference coordinator for politicians that get busted having affairs.

I'm telling you, that is the gig for me! Congressmen, Senators, some ex-Presidents, mayors, governors, all of 'em. So, so, SO many of them just a-screwin' around (usually on their wives. I'm not saying that the women politicians don't have affairs, I'm just saying that it's usually the men who we hear about and, quite honestly, I can't think of any women who have had to publicly come clean after their affair was found out. I don't know that it means that they're smarter or sneaker, but I do know it doesn't mean that they're more moral than the men. Heck, no. Married women can be just as trampy as married men can be, don't think that they can't be. Sluts. Most of 'em. Well, the politician ones. My, but I digress. Where was I?). And then they get busted somehow. Whether their prostitution vendor of choice gets busted and their name is found to be all over the client scheduling list, or whether their mistress scorned goes to the press with their tawdry affair (Lesson Number One of Having An Affair: Never scorn a mistress.), somehow they eventually get busted. And when they do you see the following scene:

A politician attempting to look remorseful, humble and shamed (when really he's a little pissed off that his favorite afternoon snack has just been discontinued) stands behind a podium. Standing behind the politician is the somber and cheated on wife. I don't know why the wife is always there. I'm assuming it's because the politician can't trot out his dog to do that, but I don't see why not. That's kind of the representation, that of the loyal pet, that the wife is portraying by just standing there, eyes looking down, her sullen expression frozen on her face. This is a phenomenon that, from what I can tell, only occurs in politics. Personally, I do not know too many married individuals who, if they found out their spouse was cheating on them, would stand there, in PUBLIC, by their side, not saying A WORD and let them give their emotionless, unapologetic apology to the media. No WAY. Not ONE person that I know or that I have heard of would just be completely silent upon learning that their spouse was banging someone else. And someone else. For months. (I'm longing for the day when one of those women just jumps in front of the cheating loser and starts screaming at him in front of the media. It will happen. It has to. I pray that it does!)

So why can't I be the speechwriter for these guys? I'll write one speech (well, OK, I'll just write down the one that they already use, but I'll use a different font and everything so that it looks original) and I'll make a bunch of copies and have them laminated and hand them out to everyone when they take office. It can be part of their welcome package. I'll also hand them on in smaller, wallet sized versions, so that they can study them in their free time. To sweeten the deal, I'll even throw in a diagram of where their wife is supposed to stand in relation to themselves at the press conference that they will inevitably be holding one day while reading the speech that I changed fonts on and passed off as my own.

If I had thought of this sooner, my first client could have been Tim Mahoney (or Mahorny. Whichever one helps you remember that he's a pig.). Tim Mahoney would have been the perfect guy to have as a first client because he truly possesses all of the necessary traits for someone who has been as stupid as he was. He's married. He's a cheating pig. He's unremorseful. He's a jerk to those who he was cheating on his wife with (I say "those" because there was apparently more than one. See? First client material right there!). He can give a monotone speech while pretending to apologize. And, overall, he's a jackass. It's perfect! I can hand him the little laminated card and give him a pep talk that would go something like, "Here you go. Remember, no intonation in your voice. Do not, I repeat, do not sound like you are sorry. Make sure you throw in all of the fake apology references to your family. Don't admit directly to anything. Oh! And don't forget the part about how it's now a "private matter" and you and your family want to be left alone. Make sure you throw in at least one "incredibly difficult time". Got it? All rightee. Now go out there and lie your ass off!" Then I shove him toward the podium and collect my check while he's fake apologizing.

I want that job sooooo bad! And this Mahoney guy is the perfect jackass to write unremorseful drivel for! It doesn't get any better than this! Tim Mahoney, (Democrat, Flori-DUH) is the guy who ran for Mark Foley's seat. Mark Foley, as you may or may not choose to remember, was the guy who was sending sexually explicit text messages to at least one 16-year old male former page. So when it became clear that Foley's seat was going to be up for grabs, Mahoney ran for it. A story that ran in the Tampa Bay Times reported that "Family values is a concern for Mahoney, a Methodist who has been married for 21 years and has a 20-year-old daughter." During his campaign he did a commercial with Senator Bob Graham. In the commercial, Graham says that Mahorny "is a man of 'faith, family and personal responsibility'." He goes on to say that "Tim Mahoney will help end the fraud, waste and corruption in Washington." And he apparently did that by moving it to Flori-DUH. And the topper for that is that there's a picture of Mahorny standing next to a church. (No mention of whose playing his organ at his church.) So this guy is not afraid to go all out and be a complete and total hypocrite in every aspect of his life! Excellent!

Basically, this is what he said during his media extravaganza, one stop, fake remorse tour:

• He said he was "taking full responsibility (because you're making me) for my actions and the pain I have caused my wife Terry and my daughter Bailey." (Notice how they always leave off the part about "because I was caught". Every. Time.)
  
  
• He said that "No marriage is perfect (and mine is an example of a very imperfect marriage!), but our private life is our private life" (Not any more!) "and I am sorry (sorry for yourself) that these allegations have caused embarrassment and heartache." (I liked it much better when I could go and do my mistress without anyone else knowing about it.)
  
  
• "I would have come forward earlier but making sure my family is ok is far more important than any political career." (And my wife was so busy railing on me after she found out that I couldn't even leave the room!)


• I think the people of my District know that I am a fighter (or another f-word that comes to mind) and I am not going to allow this story coming out 20 days before an election to change my resolve to serve the people of the 16th Congressional District. (We didn't think much would change about you. You're pretty much going to be the same slimeball that you have been. Only difference is that now everyone knows it, whereas before only you knew it.)


• I have worked hard (at hiding this from everyone) and I am prepared (I have no choice) to put my faith in the people (hope beyond hope) and ask for their vote (beg like a starving stray dog).

Look, if someone wants to cheat on their wife, it sucks, but that's their deal. But when they're in the public eye and when they're supposed to be a trusted public servant the water starts to get a little bit murky as to whether or not the choices that they make in their personal life should be a factor in whether or not they are competent to do their very public job. Hard to say. Although, in Mahorny's case, there is an ethics investigation going on to find out if he paid off one (yes, one. As in, he had more than one woman that he was affair-ing with) of his extra curricular activities with $121,000 of campaign funds. They really frown upon stuff like that. That right there makes him not a good person to be holding a public office.

But there's something about the hypocrisy of the circumstances surrounding how he was able to have a chance to even get elected at all. That being the whole Mark Foley is chasing pages around the Capital building issue and Mahorny touting himself as this faithful, God loving, family man when, in reality, he was an unfaithful, loving God-knows-who, liar. Oh, and vilifying Mark Foley while he was doing all of that. (Did Foley deserve to be vilified? Probably? Did he deserve to be vilified by Tim Mahoney? Probably not.) Something about the blatant hypocrisy just makes it harder to .... I was going to say "swallow", but I'm going to say "take" instead. It makes it harder to take.

So I'm officially announcing that I am ready, willing and able for that Affair Admitting Speechwriter and Press Conference Organizer position as soon as it is available. See earlier blog posts for relevant qualifications. (Also, note the sarcastic tone and witty banter present throughout. It's sure to elevate me far above any other applicants that manage to express interest before I was able to kick them in the shins to stop them from stealing my thunder.)

Side note: In my quest for this non-existent dream job of mine, I think I shall somehow incorporate pink into the whole ordeal. Not sure if it's because it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month or just because I've developed a fondness for it lately. It's probably the latter, but the former is a good reason as well.

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