Fat's Incredible - Part Deux

Can you remember a few weeks ago when Broderick Laswell, of the Benton County Jail, filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit that complained the jail doesn't provide enough food for the inmates. He based his complaint on the fact that he weighed a ridiculous 413 freaking pounds when he was arrested and jailed in September and by April he weighed 308 pounds. And, yes, he was complaining about having lost 105 pounds! (Maybe he's jealous that he won't get a chance to be in those Subway commercials when they start looked for a new Jared?) Well, here's an update on ol' Slim for you. Laswell was caught giving away his food.

According to reports provided by the jail, deputies witnessed Broderick Laswell on Thursday wrap a sandwich in toilet paper and attempt to slide it under a cell door. Yum! A Captain stated that he "witnessed Laswell wrap a bologna and mustard sandwich in toilet paper and conceal it against his right thigh while walking to the corner cell." (Well, if that doesn't make your mouth water, I don't know what will! I hope those Subway guys are paying attention! It's a marketing masterpiece!) The report said that "As Laswell went to slide the sandwich under the cell, (another officer) got on the intercom and asked him to bring the sandwich to him." (That has to be like God speaking out to you. All of a sudden, a loud voice booms out from overhead, "Bring me that sandwich!" You might pass out.) But Laswell didn't pass out. No, he did just what you would expect a 300+ pound inmate who has just wrapped a bologna and mustard sandwich in toilet paper and affixed it to his right thigh to do. He started to eat it. (Feel free to take a moment to go hurl. I'll be here when you get back. I'll be hurling as well, but I'll be here.)

Slim told the captain that he "was giving away his sandwich but was going to receive another one later." (Will the sandwich that he receives in trade have the same "savory right-thigh goodness" that his had? One can only hope so.) He wouldn't say WHO he was giving his sandwich to, but it doesn't matter because he later changed his story to say that he was walking around eating the sandwich. Yes, the one that was affixed to his right thigh. Yes, the one that he later tried to shove down his gullet after the booming voice made him sense that they might be onto his little plot. Yes, that is correct. (See, people that are in jail are not always the brightest bulbs on the tree.)

He then went into denial mode, typically seen in the behavior patterns of a five year old, and claimed that no one told him he couldn't trade food. (According to the report, "inmates are not authorized to trade food amongst themselves." I just want to know what in the hell he was trading it FOR. It's not like there's a huge variety over there. I doubt he was getting a steak in exchange. Was he hoping for a sandwich without thigh meat? I don't get it.) Well, whether he knew it or not, Slim received 10 days in lockdown and lost privileges as a punishment. (Sobbing softly is really not necessary.)

You might also remember that as part of Laswell's lawsuit, he was requesting hot meals, as the Benton County Jail has served only cold food for years. The meals the inmates are given average about 3,000 calories per day (without thighs) and, according to one of the officers at the jail, "The meals may not be steak, but they meet nutritional and state requirements." They also save a ton of money by doing it that way, which seems like a pretty good deal if you ask me. Or if you ask other taxpayers who are paying for Laswell's incarceration.

Of course, when Laswell is whining about not getting enough food, there isn't nearly enough time for him to talk about what he is currently incarcerated for. Perhaps he's afraid it might deter the focus away from the most important issue for him (That would be the food and the alleged lack of receiving enough to sustain the body weight of a healthy steer) if he mentioned that he and Brandon Lacy, 28, were arrested in September, 2007, in connection with the death of a Randall Walker, 47, in August and in October capital murder charges were filed against Laswell and Lacy.

And this guy wants more food? Good luck with that, dude. Oh, and here's a copy of the complaint that Laswell filed (courtesy of the good folks over at The Smoking Gun), for no other reason than it amuses me and I think you'll be amused as well. (Click to enlarge. I hope.)

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Fat's Incredible

It's become very clear to me that we need to have that guy in the Philippines who choreographs all of the inmates to upbeat tunes from the 70s and 80s into funky dance numbers and put him to work in US prisons. Something. Because some prisoners have way too much time on their hands.

Case in point would be Broderick Laswell, shown below at his starting weight of 413 pounds in his original mug shot when he was booked into the jail on charges of capital murder back in September, 2007. Progressive photos (courtesy of the good folks over there at The Smoking Gun) of Laswell's weight loss will continue throughout the post. :

According to the fine folks over there at The Morning News - the Local News For Northwest Arkansas, Laswell, an inmate at the Benton County Jail for the past eight months, is claiming that he is (get this) "wasting away". That's correct. The guy has lost 105 pounds in 8 months and he's not happy about it. That's why he has filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit in Federal court and claimed that the jail does not provide the inmates with enough food. (Did I mention that he started out at 413 pounds! That's a BFP right there. A Big Fat Prisoner).

I don't think it's all that accurate to claim that you're "wasting away" when you still weigh 308 pounds. That's like two people rolled into one in a lot of cases. But look at the guy. I'm not sure that the jail or most other places COULD provide HIM with "enough food" if his goal is to sustain 413 pounds! I guess we could try the zoo (maybe).

According to the BFP, "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again." (OK, what kind of exercising? Going from the bunk to the sink in that cell of yours there? How much room could he possibly have in there to exercise? Especially if he's in there with himself! I'm thinking that his vision went blurry and he felt like passing out, not because of the "small portions of food" but because his body wasn't used to exercising EVER.)

His ridiculous claim continues with, "If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight. The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death." I can see why you might feel like that, but starvation isn't really the case here. See, when you are used to eating enough food to continually increase the human body to the point of 413 pounds, anything less than the bushels of food you were previously consuming is going to seem like bread and water. And when you weigh 413 pounds, you ARE going to lose weight when you're eating a regular amount of calories because your body shouldn't weigh 413 pounds in the first place! You're not supposed to BE 413 pounds. Ever! Did any of those items factor into your decision to file your ridiculous FML? (Feed Me Lawsuit.) Of course they didn't.

"There are noticeable differences on the size of biscuits and cakes, as well as the sides." What does "noticeable differences" mean to this guy? The difference between what he eats and what regular people who don't weigh 413 pounds eat? If that's the case, I'd have to agree that there would be a "noticeable difference" between the two. Laswell also wants hot food to be served to the inmates. Apparently the jail only serves cold food. According to Laswell's claim, "This jail was built with a state of the art kitchen which was priced at a little over 1 million dollars. The tax payers paid for this and it is not being used." Nice of him to be thinking of the taxpayers who are STILL paying for his food, hot or cold, kitchen or not! (I, personally, as someone who is NOT a prisoner, see NO problem with that policy AT ALL. Nice job, Benton County Jail. Nice job.)

Here's one of my favorite excerpts from his claim: "On average, I have lost about one half pound a day. This is not healthy at all." Dude, what's "not healthy at all" is weighing 413 pounds!! Believe me, losing "one half pound a day" is probably the healthiest thing you've done in a long, long time.

My other favorite part is this: "If an inmate is staying here over a long period of time his or her health decreases and they turn into skin and bones." He phrases this like it's the inmate's choice to stay there. Like he had a whole slew of hotels to choose from and he chose the jail as the place to spend "a long period of time". But "they turn into skin and bones"? THAT is classic. Yes, there are skeletal inmates sitting in corners with cobwebs covering them (just like in the old Scooby Doo cartoons). I still think he doesn't need to worry. It would appear that he has a ways to go before he gets to the "skin and bones" stage.

I know that Mr. Laswell is being detained on a capital murder charge. Should I assume he ate his victim, as he doesn't seem to be capable of doing much else? Well, he knows how to complain about how he's a little uncomfortable in jail, but that's not really something that could kill someone else.

I think there's really only one appropriate response for the judge to say to this guy after he reviews his FML. "So, Mr. Laswell, you want a little cheese with that whine?

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Inmates, Gloria-ous, Inmates

Well, the dancing inmates in the Philippines are at it again. Oh, surely you are familiar with the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center (the CPDRC) located in (surprise) Cebu (that's in the Philippines). Allow me to provide you with a brief summary of the situation over there in case you're unfamiliar with this oddity. (Also allow me to warn you that this brief summary will likely be followed by the brief exclamation, "WTF?")

The CPDRC is a jail. Apparently, Byron Garcia, who is a security consultant for the local government over there, wanted to start some sort of an exercise program for the inmates that would allow them to exercise for an hour a day. While watching throngs of prisoners just milling about in the prison yard, he came up with the idea to choreograph dance moves set to music for about 1,500 of them. A natural thought, of course.

He eased the prisoners into his dance-o-rific world by just having them march to a drum beat. Once they seemed to have the hang of that (Left, right, left, right. How long did that take?), he added the music. In the beginning, he selected the songs "In the Navy" and "YMCA" by The Village People because he did not want the "macho prisoners to be offended at being asked to dance." Oh, OK, I see...wait a minute. What? He didn't want "macho prisoners" to be offended so he chooses two of the gayest songs in the history of gay songs performed by four of the gayest gays to sing gay songs?! THAT is how he's going to avoid offending macho offenders? Just because The Village People sang "Macho Man" does not mean that they are, in fact, macho men themselves. Because they're SO not.

Anyway, finally, he had the whole group of them to the point where they could dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Garcia then uploaded a video of this hilarity to YouTube in July of 2007 and since then it has been seen by over nine million people.

The "Thriller" presentation even made Time Magazine's Top Ten Viral Video list for 2007, where it was described as "Orange-jumpsuited accused murderers, rapists and drug dealers paid homage to Michael Jackson's Thriller in a dance performance filmed at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Philippines." Time also felt the need to add, "Questions arose about whether the 1,500 Filipino jailhouse rockers were enjoying some well-choreographed creative expression or suffering abuse at the hands of prison officials with MTV aspirations. The late American actor Vincent Price was right when he said that, "No mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller." Catchy.

Now you're caught up. Feel better? Good. This time, the musical dance number is supposed to be a "protest dance." (I didn't even know there was such a thing.) They seem to be protesting the comments of one Jun Lozada in regard to the inmates beloved Cardinal Vidal. (I have no idea who he is. But the inmates seem to love him.) I guess this Lozada character called the Cardinal the "Archbishop of the Palace." (Since the inmates are dancing in protest, let's assume that "Archbishop of the Palace" is a bad thing in the Philippines, shall we?) As if that wasn't enough, Lozada's female companion called the Cardinal "a Congressman in a cassock." (A cassock in that long frock thing that the clergy wear. Again, assume it's bad if it's being said against the prison Cardinal in the Philippines.)

The dancing prisoners feel that the comments made were "unfair" and that they are an "unjust vilification of the archdiocese of Cebu, Cardinal Vidal". Thus, they shall dance in protest. And what is the most appropriate song for 1,500 currently incarcerated men in the Philippines to dance in protest to? Why, yes, that would be "Gloria" by Laura Branigan. WTF?!

OK, the dancing inmate thing is a bit weird to begin with. It didn't get any better with the oh-so-not-macho-tuneage of The Village People tidbit up there either. But how in the hell does "Gloria" by Laura Freaking Branigan qualify as the most appropriate song to choreograph a prison yard dance protest to?! WTF?!

If you figure it out, let me know. In the meantime, behold! The CPDRC's Protesting Inmates present "Gloria".

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