He Did What?

You know what is an important thing to learn early on in life? Taking responsibility. Yes, it really sucks when you get caught doing something that you weren't supposed to be doing in the first place, but it's important that you learn how to admit that you were in the wrong and then accept the consequences that come your way as a result. See, because if Wayne Mitchell had taken that advice he probably wouldn't have tried to help his brother try to get out of being caught with a bunch of cocaine. And if he had done that, well, it's almost certain that he wouldn't have ate the cocaine that was in his brother's arse at the time. (Yes, you read that correctly.) And if he hadn't eaten the ass-coke, he would probably be alive today. I'm just saying.

Here's the story according to something called Click Orlando. It seems that Deangelo Mitchell and his brother, 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell, were "...taken into custody on allegations they had drugs in their car." (And trust me when I tell you that everyone reading this is going to wish that they did have their drugs in the car instead of where they actually were.) Now, I don't know where they were when "the incident" took place, but the picture accompanying the story seems to imply that they were in the back of the police car. I could be wrong though. However, if you were hoping to put together a good visual to go along with this nuttiness, go with the back of the police car. It looked like this. Behold!

So that's one of them. I can't say that he looks real bright. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe he's a genius. (I'm not wrong and you know it. He's not exactly Rainman.) The point here is that when they were arrested, Deangelo had a butt full of drugs. Literally. There were drugs in his butt. Maybe his pockets were full. I don't really know. But Deangelo knew. He knew of the drugs that had been inserted into his rectum. And he knew that the cops would eventually find them as well. That's when his mission became clear. He needed to remove the drugs from his butt. But how?

Funny you should ask. Deangelo decided to ask his brother for a favor. That favor was for Wayne to apparently remove the cocaine from Deangelo's rectal cavity by using his teeth/mouth. Bluntly put, he wanted him to eat it out of there. Now, before you go off all thinking that was a crazy thing one to do, just remember that Wayne agreed to it. Who's the crazy one now, huh? And before you go thinking for sure that it's Wayne, just let me first tell you that he DID get the cocaine out of Deangelo's butt. So, it's not like he agreed to anything that he couldn't follow through with. (I really have no idea what I'm saying here. I find this entire story so disgusting and unbelievable that I'm kind of at a loss for words and I'm really trying to wing it here without flipping out.)

But it turns out that swallowing an entire ounce of cocaine can kill you. Who knew? Well, I'm assuming that Wayne didn't know. Considering that he's now dead, I'm guessing that he has some idea about that now. That's right. It killed him. According to North Charleston Police Chief Jon Zumalt "It's sickening." Hard to disagree with that. He also added, "I got upset when I saw the whole thing. I was pretty shocked on it." Wait. When you...saw the whole thing?! Did this guy used to work at Penn State or something?! How does one see the whole thing and not maybe intervene before the whole thing is over?! How does someone see the whole thing and not make it so that it isn't a whole entire thing?! What is going on over there in North Charleston anyway?! Whatever it is, make it STOP! This is NOT the kind of thing that we can have going on all the time! Just having it go on ONCE is bad enough. Good Lord, what in the world is wrong with people?!

Sphere: Related Content

Quails, Cocaine and Sex

Our tax dollars are hard at work, aren't they? Don't we have faith and confidence in the government to use our money wisely? To use our money in a productive fashion? To use our money to study how cocaine enhances the sex drive of the Japanese quail? Wait. What now?

Correct. According to something called CNS NEWS, "The National Institutes of Health (NIH) has awarded $181,406 this year to a researcher at the University of Kentucky to study how cocaine enhances the sex drive of Japanese quail." Um, how...how much? One hundred and eighty one grand? To give coke to birds? Are you dry shaving me? Whose idea was this? Were they on the aforementioned cocaine at the time that this idea cropped up? WTH?

According to the article, there have been previous studies done on just this sort of thing. So if you're upset about your tax money being used to give cocaine to Asian aviary creatures, it's not the first time that it has happened, so just calm down. It's not like it's new or anything. Now, the other studies did end up showing that "...prior repeated exposure to cocaine enhances sexual motivation and behavior.” Why, yes. Yes it does. Do these researchers never go to the movies? People on cocaine like to fornicate like crazed bunnies.

It also says that "The goal of the proposed experiments is to utilize an animal model whose sexual behavior system has been well-studied, Japanese quail.” Uh, couldn't you just study the sexual behavior system of a frat boy or something? A lonely businessman? Porn stars? I find it difficult to believe that the Japanese quail is a good representation of humans. Have you seen a quail lately? Unless you're an FLDS woman, there does not seem to be a lot of similarities.

When asked how something like this could be justified, a one Don Rabolvsky who is a NIH spokeshole explained that "...the research has value because many cases of HIV/AIDS are spread through drug-related sexual behavior." Uh-huh. Sooooo...where do the birds come in? That's hard to say. He continued with "Human behavior accounts for almost 40 percent of the risk associated with preventable premature deaths in the United States,” Rabolvsky said in an e-mail. “Health-injuring behaviors such as smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, and drug abuse, as well as inactivity and poor diet are known to contribute to many common diseases and adverse health conditions.” That doesn't really seem to address the cocaine or the bird sex very much, though.

I looked on the webpage of the researcher, a one Dr. Chana Atkins. Here is just a portion of what was listed under "Research" and "Goals": " ...in humans, there appears to be some relationship between drug taking behavior and risky sexual behavior". Appears to be? Appears to be?! Look, this person is a doctor, so I'm assuming that they went to college. But how could one go to college and not KNOW that drug taking behavior is DIRECTLY linked to risky sexual behavior?! APPEARS?! Good Lord, man. Of course there's a relationship between the two. When was the last time you got laid, anyway?

And here's my favorite part of this inexplicable study. "Japanese quail are “ideal” animals to use....because the “birds readily engage in reproductive behavior in the laboratory.” You know, birds aren't the only creature that will readily engage in reproductive behavior. And it certainly doesn't have to be in just a laboratory! I'll readily engage in reproductive behavior right now! You don't need no stinkin' quails!

I am left with more questions than I am answers with this one. But I did find out why they're using the Japanese quail. One word: Variety. That's right. They were just trying to shake things up a little bit in the ol' lab there, as the website reads: "...quail provide a convenient and interesting alternative to standard laboratory rats and pigeons.” I can think of a heck of a lot more animals that would have been more interesting than freaking quail. Elephants, perhaps. Maybe the narwhal. What about a bald eagle? (There have to be ways around all of that protected species stuff, right?) Ever consider kangaroos? Walk around the zoo sometime and see how many people are clamoring to see the quail exhibit and then tell me that this was a good choice.

Sphere: Related Content

Not THAT Van Gogh

In a story brought to us by the folks over at the PalmBeachPost.com (who should really be thinking about the state of the newspaper industry these days and be thankful they still have a job in spite of what would appear to be a rather poor excuse for journalistic reporting), it would appear, judging from the content of this article, that they are under the impression that their average reader is somewhat of a moron. It's either that or they are under the impression that the average page that they have to fill with 'news' is rather large and they should therefore try to substitute something else other than news to help fill up that vast empty space. Similar to the one in their heads. Here's the scoop:

According to the PBP, "Vincent Van Gogh was busted on a cocaine charge. No, not Vincent Van Gogh, the 19th-century post-impressionist painter who died in poverty and found fame after his death. But Vincent Vladimer Van Gogh, 42, of Delray Beach, according to our news partners at The Sun Sentinel." OK, good. Now we have someone to blame. The Sun Sentinel folks. Good to know. I've made a note. Onward...

The very brief account of what happened basically states that Mr. van Gogh was pulled over and had some crack cocaine on him and was subsequently charged with possession and driving on a suspended license. Pretty routine. You'd think that the story could stop there. I wish that it had. But no. Instead, it continued on with this:

Vincent Vladimer Van Gogh, 42, of Delray Beach is charged with possession of cocaine and driving with a suspended license.

Vincent Van Gogh, the 19th-century post-impressionist painter died in poverty and found fame after his death.

All right. That's enough. Do they REALLY think that we're going to be SO confused as to WHICH Vincent van Gogh was arrested for POSSESSION of COCAINE while DRIVING a vehicle that they felt the need to give us a pictorial which would help us differentiate between the two and avoid any unnecessary slander that the painting Mr. van Gogh might incur due to confusion of which one was which? Really?

Born in 1853. For the purposes of this "story", does it matter when he died? NO, it doesn't! And for two reasons. Reason Number One is because he's dead! He can't be driving around with all of the cocaine (allegedly) if he's dead! Reason Number Two is if we were genuinely getting confused as to which van Gogh was a coke freak, we'd say to ourselves, "Selves...the guy who painted and cut off his ear (allegedly!) would be 156 years old if HE were the one DRIVING around Florida with cocaine. I guess it's safe to say that the reputation of van Gogh the painter has not been tarnished by the evils of drugs. What a relief." Then again, with that kind of brain power, you're not going to be confused as to which van Gogh was arrested. Really.

But just to make sure that we're really not confused, The Sun Sentinel throws in "The alleged criminal changed his name to the famous one. He was named Vincent Rossman when he served nearly two years in prison in the late 1990s for leaving the scene of a traffic homicide, records show." (Sounds like a stand-up guy, doesn't he?) Just so we're clear! He might be named Vincent van Gogh now, but he wasn't named Vincent van Gogh before, so he's still not Vincent van Gogh, the artist. Got it?

I'm not sure you do. The Sun Sentinel is positive you don't. Why else would they include this fascinating tidbit (translation: not fascinating) to illustrate some sort of irony or hyperbole or illusion or folklore? I don't know what they were going for or what they were getting at, but they let us know "Artist van Gogh, known for his paintings like "Starry Night," is said to have been a hard user of absinthe, also known as the "cocaine of the 19th century." Ah-HA!!

See?! Do you see?! See the connection?! No? Yeah, it's a stretch all right. Of course! Of course we might have been confused as to which van Gogh was just recently arrested because aside from them both having the same name, now they both like to do cocaine. Allegedly. Coincidence? I think not. Implying that there's some sort of weird JFK-Abraham Lincoln-esque connection here? You're gettin' warmer!

And to continue along the same lines of "news we can use", the story concludes with another incident that will no doubt leave the average moronic reader perplexed all over again when the reader learns "In other news, Boynton Beach police also arrested Beethoven on a battery charge Monday night. That is, Beethoven Ermilus, 22, of Boynton Beach, jail records show."

And again, in the same fashion as applicable for the van Gogh arrest, I ask, Really? Not the piano composer, idol of Schroeder, who died in 1827? Are you sure it wasn't him? What about the dog? That big St. Bernard in those wacky 90s movies? Was it the dog? Please don't let it be the dog!

This is troubling on a number of different levels. First, of course, is that the "story" is attempting to fool the reader into thinking that it is actually "news". But it's the second and third points that bother me the most. Second, someone had to think it was a good idea to write this thing up and third, someone else (most likely) had to approve it. Not just one person thought this was print/press worthy, at least TWO people thought so. ::: sigh :::

Sphere: Related Content