Nice Coat, Rick

Remember yesterday's post about Rick Perry's commercial where he comes across as...well...if he didn't come across as anti-gay, he certainly didn't come across as pro-gay. Not that he has to come across as pro-gay. That's not what I'm saying. But he certainly didn't come across as being very accepting that people who are gay are just people. My point here is that the next time (and why do I have the feeling that there's going to actually be a next time?) he might want to do a little research on his attire before making the statements that he made. I mean, if you're going to paint yourself out to be anti-gay, you might want to at least try and differentiate your wardrobe from those that you 'dislike'. I'm just saying. Behold!

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Dogs Don't Need Clothes

Some people live in climates where it will snow when it's wintertime. I don't have snow here. I have this. (And while it was really freaking cold outside, dogs don't need clothes. They're dogs. The not needing clothes is implied. And I think he knows that. He looks a little humiliated.)

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One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others

I like sports, but I'm not all that thrilled with golf. I used to play golf. I thought I hated it. Turns out, I only hated the guy that I was dating at the time who wanted me to play golf with him. Once I got rid of him, started drinking and rented a cart, golf had much more of an appeal to me. But I digress. The point here is that if there is a major tournament, I might check out a little bit of coverage, just to see how it's going. This week is the British Open and boy am I glad that I did check it out. If I hadn't, I would have missed John Daly in this photo of all of the previous British Open winners. Behold!

Uh, one of these things is not like the others. As confusing as the choice to wear that jacket is, John Daly looks even more confused. Is he back on the sauce? That's not the facial expression, nor the fashion statement of a sober individual. And I would really be doing the whole photo a disservice if I didn't comment on the Farmer Forehead tan that Tiger Woods seems to be sporting there. The guy on the other side of John seems to have the same affliction. But not Lee Trevino down there in the middle at the bottom. Granted, he is unnaturally tan for a 70 year old, but at least it appears to be uniform.

So I started looking back at some of John Daly's fashion choices throughout the years. Hoo-boy! While it was good to know that it's not all that unusual for John to make some interesting choices for what to wear, it still wasn't overly comforting that he chooses these things in the first place. Let's look at some of them, shall we?

Here's John early in his career. He doesn't look horrible. Granted, donning an Indian blanket as one's shirt isn't the most advisable wardrobe selection, but it's going to look tame compared to some of his later looks. (Look at how thin he was, too. Ahh, but those days were few and far between.)

In the photo below, he's still young, yet seems to be getting prepped for that humongous gut that he'll be dragging around with him for years to come. Again, it's not horrible. It's sort of a Christmas sweater sort of look. And it might be his last time looking somewhat presentable.

Yellow will play a part in many of John's outfits. Like here with this inexplicable tartan pattern. (I think that's tartan. I skipped textiles in high school.)

Here he is in more yellow...and apparently on a break from clown college.

Top to bottom yellow, not to mention a crazy hippie-dippy-trippy flower power pattern, never advisable. Ever.

It's even less advisable in orange.

Here he is looking like a pissed off and gay Bill Parcells. Nice man-hoots, John. Nice bright orange man-hoots. Good Lord...no one wants to see that. Er, those. Whatever. It's hideous.


Twister, anyone?

Whenever John can't find his own pants, he apparently just borrows some from the lead singer of Warrant.

Look, when John Daly is playing well enough that it doesn't matter how he dresses, that's fine. But he's really going to have to be on his A-game if he wants to be able to justify the ensemble below. Ever.

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Single Children Put Some Clothes On It

The video below disturbs me in more ways than one. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against showing a little skin. It's not like I'm a member of the FLDS or anything like that. Skin is good. Let me rephrase that. Adult skin is good. Why must people insist on letting their children parade around like hooker-ific pole dancers? It's not attractive. It's disgusting and disturbing. Seriously, folks. When allowing your small children to re-enact Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" (a fabulous little ditty, by the way), I think that the rule of thumb should be that they have to be wearing at least as much clothes as Beyonce was wearing. Would that be so bad?

Actually, now that I think about it, I have a couple of rules I'd like to implement. We've already gone over the first one, you must be covering the same ratio of your body as Beyonce is covering hers. Rule number two: Do not dress your children (especially those whose ages appear to still be in single digits) in something that a horny boyfriend would buy for his girlfriend after stopping by a 7-11 on his way home on Valentine's Day. What in the world are those girls wearing? I didn't know that you could get five dollar hooker outfits that small. If I can't see Beyonce's midriff, I don't want to see your seven-year old girl's midriff, either. Got it? For God's sake, I hope so.

Rule number three: If you do not have anything to shake, please don't try to shake it anyway. Clearly, these girls are not quite at the breasticle stage yet. There's nothing to shake. And that's FINE!! Yet, there they are, shaking their money makers when they don't even have change, let alone real money.

Rule number four: This one pertains mainly to this example only. The song basically talks about if some dude likes what he sees, perhaps he should "put a ring on it" if it's that important to him. Marry the chick, for cryin' out loud, is the message here. I don't know that you can have that message be spewed by little girls dressed in cheap lingerie who look as if they're all missing a brass pole or two. Seriously. Who are you people who are letting your kid do this and who are you people who are cheering these girls on?

Listen, the girls are talented. They have great dance moves. But why are they darn near naked? These are little girls! Where are their fathers? (Or their mothers, for that matter. But I'm really surprised that Dads would let their little girls prance around like that.) My Dad sure as hell would never have let me wear anything like that in public when I was eight OR when I was thirty, for that matter. I'd be a little afraid to wear anything like that now, lest he come back from beyond the grave and haunt me and my scantily clad booty for dressing like a ho. My brother (who is 3 years younger than me) is raising his step-daughter by himself (don't ask) and he's told her she's not dating until she's eighty. (He tells her that as he's cleaning his gun.) She certainly isn't walking out of his house looking like those girls do. She's kind of lucky he lets her walk out of the house at all (she's gonna be hot).

Seriously, why couldn't they have had on leotards or one piece swim suits or something? (After viewing that, I'm kind of leaning toward parkas, but they seem like they'd be rather bulky to dance in. See? I'm not unreasonable about the whole thing, nor impractical!) Why do they have to look like there is a midget hooker and pole dancer convention in town? Cover up your children when they're in public. Please. There's enough sexual exposure out there in all forms of media that they're going to be saturated with beginning at birth. Hypersexualizing the kids themselves by allowing them to parade their bodies in public when they are SEVEN years old can't lead to anything that's going to be great, I'll tell you that.

Again, I think that they're fabulous dancers. They're all very talented. However, the outfits that they are wearing are inappropriate and disturbing. And do you know what would have happened if they had wore outfits that were just a touch more modest (ie, I'm not looking at a 7-year old's belly button)? The ONLY thing that everyone would be talking about was how awesome the dance was. And that's how it should have been. Instead, the obvious talent that is there is lost and under-appreciated because all you can focus on is all of the sex that is there. It's sad, really. I can only hope that it won't be sadder for them as they get older.

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But Dogs Don't Need Clothes

Can you believe it's that time of year for the Carnival of Animals already?! OK, look, I didn't really know there was a time of year for such a thing and now that I do, I've gotta say, I'm not thrilled. People tend to do this mostly with dogs and I really have an aversion to folks putting little outfits on their canines to make them look like something other than a dog. I don't particularly like dogs wearing clothes because...well...see, it's because they're dogs. They don't need clothes! They're dogs! But that doesn't stop people. God no. Nothing does, really. I should know that by now.

Down there at the Copacabana (Her name was Lola...) beach down in Rio de Janeiro, they do this thing every year. And as the Times of Malta tells us, this animal freak show is a precursor to the much larger, much more appropriate Rio carnival which kicks off February 22. I'm still not clear on why it is that a bunch of animals dressed as humans is the correct or accepted or expected way to kick off a carnival for humans that are not dressed like animals. I'm just chalking it up to they're just quirky down there in Rio.

I suppose it could have been worse. I'm pretty sure I've seen worse. But it's for a good cause, so I can't complain too much. It's to promote the welfare of animals. Although I find it odd that in order to promote their welfare they must be dressed up in clothes that they shouldn't be wearing which makes it appear as if we don't care about their welfare (and care even less about their fashion sense). But the people down there really do care and I guess that the animals know it as no one got bit or eaten or anything tragic like that. So let's see who got all dressed up and trotted out for this shindig, shall we?

First off, these are some of the people who are the type of people who dress up their dogs. Yep, that's about what I was expecting. Yep.

Here we have the always hilarious, always lovable Dog Wearing Motorcycle Goggles. These dogs always have their tongue hanging out of their mouth. Always. Even when they're on the motorcycle, that tongue is hanging all the way out. and they just look like they're having a great time. Which is why I don't understand how come if you blow in their face they freak out on you? Dude, you were just on the back of a bike going 75 down the freeway and you're going to yelp and whimper because I went "Poof!" in your snout there? What gives?

This appears to be the somewhat perplexing Dog as an Impromptu Viking. A Viking at Carnival. Huh. Diverse.

At first, I thought this was Crazed Ballerina Dog. Turns out, it's Halloween Bat Dog With a Tutu. You can kind of see the wings there. It's odd.

Here we have Escape From Alcatraz Dog. Looks frightened. Can't say that I blame him.

THIS is Crazed Ballerina Dog! Or should I say, this is Crazed Sunflower Ballerina Dog?! How could I have mistaken Halloween Bat Dog for THIS? Behold!

Not all of the wrongly dressed creatures were dogs. Here is a wrongly dressed cat. I'll call this guy Wizard or Witch Cat (it's hard to tell). Actually, I think I'll call him Angry and Annoyed Wizard or Witch Cat. He does not look happy. Cats, in general, are smarter than dogs when it comes to interpreting their surroundings. Sure, dogs can fetch and sit and stay and do all of that stuff, but they also act like morons half of the time. Cats are fully aware of what is moronic and what is not (and if you're asking a cat, cats are not moronic), which is why AAWWC does not look thrilled.

And here is a little sad looking Chihuahua with a day-glo pink pillbox hat and matching outfit. Oh, the humanity.

Animals dressed as humans. Not my favorite. How come we never see animals dressed up like other animals? That might just confuse the hell out of all of them, wouldn't it? Dogs dressed like cats, cats dressed like dogs, it'd be mayhem in the streets! Dogs chasing after dogs that they thought were cats (Oh, Spot! Is that you? Sorry!), cats snickering to themselves (as they always do over in a corner somewhere). And while I realize that they're animals and they probably don't know that they look ridiculous, I think that they do know that they're not supposed to be wearing clothes. They've never had them on before, they don't have them on most of the time, I think they're onto that. Isn't there some other way to promote the welfare of animals that doesn't involve dressing them like humans? There has to be. How about just have them wear sandwich boards with your message on them? It'd be direct!

To recap, they're dogs. They don't need clothes. Why? Because they're dogs.

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Snorkel Snouted Silliness

OK, OK! I can't take it anymore. People have NO idea what dogs are for! It doesn't seem like it's that difficult of a concept to grasp, but apparently it IS! People seem to think that dogs are for dying different colors, dressing up in funny clothing, dressing up in ANY clothing, assigning them civic duties, putting them of surfboards, putting little blue plastic shoes on them if they're in the German police force, and the list goes on.

But here. Here is what sent me right on over the proverbial canine edge. Meet Mondex, or as I prefer to call him, Scuba Dog:

Sweet mother of God and all that is wrong in the world WTF is that?! It appears to be a DOG dressed as if it were doing to go SCUBA diving. Either that or he's getting ready for a stint in a WWI fighter plane with the Red Baron. (The REAL Red Baron! Not Snoopy! Why? Because Snoopy is a DOG! Dogs don't fly planes!) And I'm guessing he didn't dress himself in that outfit. So what the hell happened?

Mondex was entered in a dog fashion show that took place in a mall that was in Manila. (It's worse than I thought! Now there are organized events in foreign lands promoting dogs with garments!) I'm sure it will not shock you to learn that Mondex won.


OK, I will admit that the picture above makes me laugh. But that doesn't matter. It's still wrong! Clearly, Mondex's owner has way too much time on his or her hands to be able to put together an ensemble such as this. Complete with dive meter gage, air tank, snorkel, flippers, mask, wetsuit, they pretty much covered it all. Unbelievable. Of course, Mondex was never actually IN any water whilst wearing this get-up. Now THAT might have made this all somewhat acceptable. Not entirely, but I'll admit I'd be curious as to how it might turn out.

I guess Mondex didn't have a lot of competition. The competitor who even had a small chance of beating Mondex was Tucker, seen here in his Wild, Wild West Doggie outfit.

He looks a little bit too "human" for me. He also has that look in his eyes that just sort of yelps out. "Please help me. They're making me wear ass-less chaps."

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