Get Dressed And Stop Clowning Around

I understand that if you're some sort of group or organization and you haven't figured out how to weasel cash out of the government just yet, you're going to need to come up with funds in order to keep whatever it is that you do going. In order to raise these funds, said groups will usually hold some sort of "fundraiser" (Clever, no?) where they will typically sell something to raise money. Usually, the thing that they sell is in some way related to the organization and what they do. Girl Scouts sell cookies. (Granted, cookies aren't exactly related to being the actual scout, but they've been doing it for so long, that's just how it is. You say "Girl Scout", I think "Mmmm...cookies.") Livestrong sells yellow things. And the list goes on.

The graduates of San Francisco's Clown Conservatory Class of 2008 (Yes. There is a Clown Conservatory. Clown College, if you will. I guess calling it a "conservatory" makes it sound more serious, though I don't know what the point of that would be. They are clowns, thus the lack seriousness factor is automatically implied.) had been talking about how great they felt, physically, from all of the training that they were receiving. They also talked about how they felt like they had bonded to each other. (Well, what do you expect when you're crammed into a little teeny car with 50 other clowns? You're going to get close!) They decided that they wanted to do something that would make them feel great by doing it together. And what better thing for a bunch of recently graduated, fit feeling, clowns to do than to make a nude clown calendar to sell. Wait. What?

According to the folks over yonder at the Contra Costa Times, the lead clown on the project, a one Chad Benjamin Potter, explained the theory behind the idea by saying, "Our goal was to create this sort of craziness in your mind. When you think of clowns you think of costumes and makeup and hair. When you think naked clowns, that's something else entirely." Well, he got that right. I do think of something else entirely when I think of naked clowns. Come to think of it, I've never thought of naked clowns before now and I'm not sure that many other people have ever thought of naked clowns either. (If you have, just admit it; you're a perv.) But I'm thinking about it now! And I really don't like the entirely different thought that pops into my head at the thought of it. Ugh.

Chad went on with his attempts to justify this sort of thing by adding, "But of course we wanted to do something that everyone can enjoy." And if that was really what they wanted, it's a complete mystery as to why they went with the "naked clown" theme, as that seems like something next to no one can enjoy. He says it offers a "touch of modesty". "I am going to sell (the calendar) to my grandmother and I also want to sell it to my niece and my nephew." Hey, Chad. You know what else offers a "touch of modesty"? Right. Clowns that are not naked! Wearing clothes, be it on clowns or others, is the very definition of a "touch of modesty". It's really a rule to follow at all times. Want to be modest? Wear clothes! It always works.

The article goes on to explain that "Sales of the calendar will help raise money for the Judy Finelli Fund, a non-profit organization set up through the Circus Center. Finelli, 60, is a lifelong clown who co-founded the San Francisco School for Circus Arts, now the Circus Center. In 1989 she was diagnosed with MS. Today she is quadriplegic." And while I will be the first one to admit that this sounds like a fabulous cause, I will also be the first one to say that selling calendars with naked clowns in them is not the way to raise money for such fabulous cause. Selling calendars with naked clowns on them is the way to horrify the public in general and cause a decrease in the number of circus-goers in the future. You know. For fear of all of the nakedness running rampant amongst the clowns, as evidenced by January through December, 2009.

An art student, a one Gabriela Alonso, took the photos of the naked clowns. She did so "in a studio and, secretly, in public places." Secretly in public places? How do you accomplish THAT? And who is it a secret from exactly? The public or the clowns? (Dear God, please, please let it be the public. Please let there not have been naked clowns traipsing about the city.)

The overall goal here, is to raise (get ready for this lofty ambition) $1 million. A million bucks. From selling a 16 month calendar with naked clowns in it? Um, how much is this calendar in the first place? $100,000 each? Because I could maybe see you guys finding ten weirdos to buy one of these things, but I'm having a hard time seeing you guys finding around $100,000 weirdos to buy one of these things. A million bucks? Come on, you clowns! You have to know that's completely unrealistic. Why do you do things like that? Is it because you're clowns and therefore you cannot be serious about anything? Including reality and basic economics? This will not end well. I can see it coming.

But, look, if you're interested or whatever, the Naked Clown Calendar has a website (of course they do) and you can check it out and even purchase it (for $20, not $100,000) from there. I have no doubt that however much money they raise will be put to good use. And if I thought I could stand to look at naked clowns all the live long day for 16 months, I might buy one. But I can't, so I won't. And while the cause is good, this still seems strange to me. And I can't help but think it's going to turn out like the time that those seven ladies over there in Madrid (that's in Spain) did a nude calendar to raise money for their kids' school and ended up with 5,000 extra calendars and a lot of debt. And judging from the picture below, I'm sure you can understand why that was. Let's hope the clowns as a bit more successful in their naked endeavor. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.)

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For Sale: 5,000 Extra Calendars

So let's say you live in rural Spain (Yes, apparently there are rural areas in Europe. Think chalets and yodelers if it helps you.) in a little village called Serradilla del Arroyo. And in this village all of the kids in the village are crammed into the one classroom that the elementary school in the village has. It's probably worth noting that there are seven students in this school. Yes. 7. (I don't know if that's entirely relevant, but it is interesting.) Clearly, your seven students need room to learn. What to do? What to do? I know! A bunch (well, 7 at the most) of the student's mothers will have "semi-erotic", suggestive photos of themselves taken in various garb and poses use them to create a calendar to sell in order to raise funds for the school. Um, OK. What could possibly go wrong?

Three words. Behold! Miss October:

Above is one Itziar Zamarreno, a 40-year town counselor in the village. She is sporting a lovely pelt of fox fur and brandishing weaponry borrowed from one of the local townfolk (as she does not like to hunt). Sweet Fancy Moses, if I was an elementary school aged child and that was my mother wearing animal hide, holding a weapon and straddling, well, anything, the point of trying to raise money to help out my school would be meaningless to me. That's because I'd be spending the majority of my time memorizing bus schedules so that I could get the hell out of there as quick as I could.

Now, it may surprise you that the calendar isn't doing very well. Then again, it may not surprise you. At first, the $8 calendar sold very well. Then, it stopped selling very well. Then it stopped selling. (I certainly hope that they were marketing the thing outside of their town that only has seven children in the entire elementary school. You're not going to make a whole lot after you've sold then one calendar to each of the seven families, I'll tell you that right now.) And while they fully admit that their marketing techniques could have been better and that they did miss Christmas shopping season (hard to say if that would have made a difference in this case), they still owe the printer $16,000. Hmmm...$8 each...owe the printer $16,000....So, I'd have to guess that they were expecting sales of over 2,000 calendars to make a profit. That seems like a stretch, given their location and, well, Miss October, for starters. Oh, wait, they have five thousand copies left. Wow. Did someone not see Miss October before this went to press? Again, seems like a bit of a stretch.

Some other photos in the calendar include a woman with what is described as "discreetly placed Christmas tinsel" and another one where the woman is covering her body with just a red umbrella on a picnic table. (Hey! I bet that one guy would buy some of these! He seemed to love his picnic table. Has anyone called him?) Sure, it sounds good in theory, but in reality? You decide. Here:

OK, personally, I'm all for two semi-nude (or totally nude) women posing together. (And they don't even have to be "posing"! That's not a requirement for me to be OK with it. Hell, they don't even have to be in the same room for it to be OK with me. Unclothed women are very, very good.) But the photo above just doesn't have that "semi-erotic" feel (pun definitely intended) that I think the women were going/hoping for. The woman clutching the umbrella looks painfully surprised and a little bit afraid. And that tie-dyed parasol isn't exactly conveying the "free love" feeling. Not with that one woman looking as if she is trying to convey the message, "I've been abducted. Please send help."

Yeah, I don't know if this whole things was such a good idea in this situation. Apparently, the women got the idea from a similar venture by a group of women in England who were in their mid-50s to their early 70s. They did the "discreet nude" calendar bit of with photos of themselves in order to raise money for research for cancer (a noble cause). Theose were the women who were the inspiration for the movie "Calendar Girls". They were also the women who raised $2.55 million dollars after they sold over 800,000 calendars and got a movie and got a book deal. I guess that's what these ladies thought would happen. They might not have actually seen the other women's calendars, though. Maybe that's why they thought they could pull it off. Here are some of the English women (fully clothed. And not in fox pelts, either.):

Don't they seem pleasant? (How they got Bea Arthur, 2nd on the right there, to agree to that, I'll never know.) See, they seem a bit different than, oh, say, this:

Yeah, those two pictures seem awfully different to me. Both in theory and content. But don't worry. Thanks to some recent publicity about this poorly thought out, but very well intentioned venture (through the printer who let everyone know that the ladies were behind on their payments), people are stepping forward and buying calendars once again. (It's a Christmas calendar miracle!) I have the feeling that this is going to turn out just fine. The printer will get paid, the kids will have more room in their school and the women above will be able to put on some real clothes. Yep, that sounds like the optimal solution for everyone involved. Or wearing tinsel.

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