Fictional Newsweek

What is wrong with people? I know that's a question that this blog asks more than it answers, but I still want to know. This time, the questionable action in question involves the surprisingly still published Newsweek. And the cover story that they went with in this week of news? Are you ready? If Princess Diana were still alive, she would be turning fifty on Friday. What would she be like? Behold!

Are you freaking kidding me?! First of all, they have her strolling along on the cover next to her daughter-in-law who she never met (and who was something like 11 when Diana smashed into that wall). I don't know why that's a little weird to me, but it is. Fortunately, her headwear apparently withstands the test of time. Silly things on top of your head continue being silly.


But the article (or fable, whatever) goes on to imagine how Princess Diana would be today. The story is written by a one Tina Brown and she apparently envisions a Princess Diana who tweets the Dalai Lama and who has "...a deliriously designed Facebook page" complete with "...another age projection of Diana clutching an iPhone." Of course. An iPhone. God Forbid if the not-dead Princess Diana were to have learned the wonders of the Android operating system or the smartphone awesomeness that is the HTC EVO 4G. (Um, yeah, I might have one. Why?) It continues to speculate without any basis (or point) that "Imaginary Diana has a lofty apartment in New York, a strange but comforting friendship with ex-husband Charles, Prince of Wales, and naturally a front-row next to Victoria Beckham at Fashion Week." Of course. Or not. (Really? She didn't think that she'd still be hanging out with some rich Egyptian dude in Paris? She's just going to plop her down in New York for some reason? Oh, that's right. This is pure fiction with no basis in fact at all, so I guess that the author could have had Diana as some sort of circus performer or Wall Street banker because it doesn't matter!)

How does something like this fit into a magazine called "Newsweek"? It's not news. It is rather, however. Unfortunately, that's not the kind of week that we're talking about here. I didn't know that it was OK for a major publication to run a cover story that is completely made-up and has absolutely no purpose what so ever. Does anyone really care all that much anymore? Yes, yes, it's sad that she met an early, untimely and likely horrific death. But what purpose does imagining what her life would have been like for a news magazine? None. No purpose! However, if they had shown her without that ridiculous hat, perhaps I might have been more on board.

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There are some things out there that are just so idiotic, I have a hard time blaming the folks who create them. I mean, if there is a niche market to sell things to the moronic, then shouldn't it be taken advantage of by some conniving capitalist? A fool and his money...? You know, stuff like that. And let me tell you, I've heard a lot of really stupid ideas. I've read about a lot of really stupid ideas. But I think I've come across one that might be an all time winner. I mean, after all, if you're going to make a jam that allegedly contains the human hair of a deceased former member of royalty and then use that ingredient as the main selling point, you deserve some sort of prize. Nothing monetary, of course. I don't want to encourage this sort of behavior. But maybe just a medal or a trophy that isn't too shiny.

What's that? Oh, right! The hair jam. Did I not mention? Let's see.....idiots...fools...money...hair...no. No, it looks like I did not mention it. My apologies. Here's the scoop: See, there's a guy who claims that he has made some jam (yes, the delicious condiment and accompaniment of things like toast and PB&J sandwiches) which contains the hair of Princess Diana. That's right. Her hair. IN the jam. Um, if I find hair in my jam, I want nothing more than to remove it. This guy is making the jam with the hair in it on purpose! What the what?

According to the folks over there at CBS News, a one Sam Bompas (aka, the con man masquerading as an artist) has created a jam called "occult jam". And according to The Huffington Post, said jam is made by "...infusing a tiny speck of the late princess of Wales' hair with gin, which is then combined with milk and sugar to create a product with a taste resembling condensed milk." Wait. What? Milk? Sugar? Condensed milk? And GIN?? Let's just put the issue of the hair aside for a moment here and talk about the jam itself. Since when is something resembling condensed milk considered to be a jam? I thought jam was made out of fruit. Lots and lots of fruit! There's no milk in my jam! Is this a British thing? Or an alcoholic thing? What's with the gin?

Whatever it is, we're going to have to revisit the hair issue eventually, so we might as well do it now. According to The Huffington Post, "The hair was bought on eBay for $10 from a U.S. dealer who collects what he says is celebrity hair and sells it in extremely tiny parts." Uh-huh. Sure it is. It's her hair. Uh-huh. Yeah. OK. (Why couldn't I have thought of that scam first? Why?!) A hair dealer. Man, I'll give that guy some credit. That's as brilliant as it is asinine.

But why put it in jam? That still isn't all that clear to me. Obviously, it's a gimmick. The jam sells for $7.60 a jar (no word on how big the jar is), but I have no idea how many of these jars of jam with fake Princess hair in them are available. Not that it would matter, I'm just saying. I guess maybe I'm wondering what the monetary opportunity is going to be for ol' Bompas. I'm hoping that there's only like one or two jars available. I'd hate to think that there are throngs of folks out there just clamoring for this sort of thing. That would make me sad. And suicidal.

As far as why he decided to make the fake Princess hair jam, "Bompas said he decided to make the bizarre product to provoke people into thinking about food marketing and how language enhances the everyday eating experience". The only way that this makes me think about food marketing is to the effect of "I really hope I don't find hair in any of my food today." And as for language enhancing some sort of experience? Perhaps. "Holy s***! There's hair in this jam?! Get outta here! Princess Diana's! What moron came up with that?" Huh. He was right. That did enhance this whole experience.

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