Confusing Confucius

It took a while, but finally, finally there is some competition for Miss South Carolina Teen USA contestant and subsequent non-winner, umm....you know, I have no idea what that chick's name is. But this is exactly the sort of thing that the Internet is for.(God bless those Google boys!) Thus I can now insert the name Lauren Caitlin Upton and continue by saying that I think she is now officially a pioneer who has paved the way for future beauty pageant contestants to give completely ridiculous answers to the, ummm....now I have no idea what that question-y part of the pageant is called! But again, saved by the Google boys, I now know it's called either the interview portion or the personality portion. Hard to say which one is used when, but I'm sure there's some complicated formula that none of the contestants would be able to figure out (ie, draw it out of a hat).

Whose idea was this and where do they get their questions? Why do I need to know about what opinion or opinions a Miss Eyecandy contestant holds about US foreign policy, starvation in foreign lands, kittens and puppies, world peace and such as The Iraq? It's not like it's going to play a huge role in the year that she will spend as Miss Hotbabe as she is fulfilling her duties by appearing at the grand openings of banks and grocery stores, sporting a ridiculously large pair of scissors and cutting ribbons. She's a Rent-A-Hottie, why do I need to know her stance on Darfur? (Provided, of course, that her 'stance on Darfur' is referring to the country and not to some dude named Darfur.)

Now, as you may recall (and why wouldn't you, as it is hil-arious) Miss South Carolina was 'competing' in the Miss Teen USA Pageant and when it was her turn at the question-y part, she was given this stumper: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?" Well, the reason that she thought that "this is" was rather, um, let's just say, it was complex.

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children."

If that isn't something that needs a follow up question, I don't know what is! It would be a brief follow up question if I was doing all the asking! "Um, WTF was that?" (And actually, for some reason, she was given a do-over on the Today Show with Matt Lauer (who should really be asking any question with his shirt off. Have you seen this man shirtless? If you had then you'd agree that Matt Lauer being required to be shirtless should apply to any form of speech he's uttering!) and these were her do-over words of wisdom:"Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don't know anyone else who doesn't. And if the statistics are correct, I believe that there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will know how to read maps better." Eh. At least she didn't say "such as, the friends".)

So she's the ground breaker, she's the leader, she's the Pied Piper of all future pageant contestants who stumble their way through a question that almost certainly will have zero confuddling elements to it whatsoever. Take a contestant, a one Giosue Cozzarelli, competing in the Miss Panama Pageant, for example. Please. Take her. Far, far away. And take the question that she was asked also. According to Right Celebrity, her task was "...to explain a Confucius quote she (had been given, which) read: “Learning without thought is labor lost.” OK, I think most folks could noodle their way through that one fairly quickly. Did I say quickly? I meant accurately. Most folks could noodle their way through that one fairly accurately. Did I say accurately? And I was speaking of the Miss Panama contestant? Yeah, I didn't mean accurately. I meant hilariously.

"Good evening, Panama! Confucius was one of whom invented confusion. And that's why...ehhh....one of the most ancient his was one of the Chinese Japanese who were one of the most ancient. Thank you!"

Wait. Wait! Thank you for what?! You didn't say anything!! He invented confusion? No, sweetie, you just invented confusion with that answer you just gave! What the hell was that? I know you think you can pull that stuff off on other people, but your audience there actually speaks Spanish! They know what you said and now so do we! The video of this debacle is below.

Yeah, I'm still confused. Thanks to Confucius (apparently)! A couple of things I wanted to point out. One, she sure does look rather proud of herself when words finally finish spewing out of her mouth. I think she must be happy that she didn't hear a gong and that there wasn't a trap door underneath her. I was a little disappointed by that, but I'll be she was thrilled.

Second, it would seem that beauty pageants in Panama are a bit different than those in the United States (or the Universe, according to some pageants) when it comes to the apparel that they wear. She has on a T-shirt and pair of running pants? Slacks? All I know is that it's very casual and very non-pageant-y. Did she think that this was the rehearsal? Let's compare her to the newly allowed to keep her crown Miss California, shall we? Behold!

See, they're a little different. But really, after an answer like "Confucius invented confusion", probably the attire that they're wearing over there in Panama is the least of their worries.

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Jackass Blogger v. Miss California

Wow. I didn't think I had it in me. I didn't think I had anything left with which to discuss the whole gay marriage debate turned debacle. Apparently, I DO have something left! Thanks to Perez Hilton. Jackass.

If you are so blissfully unaware of current events that you've missed all of the flack over Miss USA Pageant contestant Miss California Carrie Prejean's (Whew! That's one hell of a moniker that gal has there!) answer to blogger Perez Hilton's question about gay marriage, well, I envy you. I'd like to be so unaware. Unfortunately, I am not. :::sigh:::

Here's the scoop: A one "openly homosexual blogger" Perez Hilton somehow managed to weasel his way into being a judge for Miss USA. How that is possible, I'm not quite sure. I don't know what the qualifications are for being a Miss USA judge, but I can't imagine that they're very difficult standards. Regardless of that however, I still highly doubt he'd be qualified. (He seems to be operating on the brain power equivalent to that of a turnip.)

Then it came to be Miss California's turn in the Answer The Question part of the pageant. (What that has to do with anything is completely beyond me. Answering questions has nothing to do with parading around in a lovely little white bikini, does it? It does not. Only if the question is something like, "Are you going to take that off?" would it be relevant. But to ask them their views on world peace and puppies does not exactly clarify the relationship between the two.) And by the "luck of the draw", Perez Hilton's name was drawn from the mandatory pageant fishbowl that is used whenever there's a drawing. (Sadly, there are never any fish in the fish bowl. An aspect of the drawing which, if used properly, could be a huge ratings grab!) The question that the openly gay and even more openly obnoxious celebrity blogger asked was as follows:

"Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not."

OK, well, did you hear the sound of gun safeties being unlocked, because that was a loaded question if I've ever heard one. Just wait. Wait for her response before you answer that. Behold!

"Well, I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what? In my country and in my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there. But that's how I was raised and that's how...I think that it should be between a man and a woman. Thank you."

Oh, dear God. Here it comes. As you can imagine, Senor Hilton didn't like that answer very much. HOW much he didn't like it wasn't all that clear until he posted a video on his website after the pageant was over. In the video, he made the following statement (which is only a portion of his rant): "She gave the worst answer in pageant history. She got booed. I think that was the first time in Miss USA ever that a contestant has been booed. She lost not because she doesn't believe in gay marriage. Miss California lost because she is a dumb bitch."

You jackass.

So because she didn't agree with you about gay marriage, she's a dumb bitch? Apparently, according to him, yes, she is. He would have rather her give an answer that was ambiguous or, at the very least, in support of something that she clearly does not believe in. From the way that she gave her answer, it appears to me that isn't gay people that she is against. She doesn't seem to have a problem with the people themselves. But she is against the whole gay marriage deal. I'm more OK with that viewpoint than I am with those who just hate gay people for being gay.

He also said that "She gave an awful, awful answer which alienated so many people and Miss California, Miss USA, she doesn't alienate, she unites, she inspires. I am so disappointed in Miss California in representing my country, not because she doesn't inspire gay marriage but because she doesn't unite." Um, what?

Really? Miss California unites? Inspires? WHO? Who does she do those things for? I could not tell you the name of ONE single Miss California EVER and I grew up here! In fact, the ONLY Miss whoever I could name would be Vanessa Williams and that's only because she had her precious crown taken away because there were nude pictures of her out there somewhere that no one had ever seen! THAT I remember! But only for the nudity! Otherwise, I wouldn't have had a clue as to who she was either.

But those were not the only words of wisdom from one Perez Hilton. No, there were more! (I know! Joy!) These words come in the form of the response he gave when asked during an interview with MSNBC if he had apologized for his above stated comments. Hilton (whose real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira. Wow. Lavandeira? He never had a chance, did he?) responded with: "I don't apologize....I'm going to stand by what I said just like she's standing by what she said. And I called her the 'b' word, and hey, I was thinking the 'c' word." OK then. That's a bit clearer. Man, you're a jackass.

That's real respectful of you there, Not-So-Super Mario.

I was under the impression that any and/or all of the Miss Wherevers are supposed to 'represent' something. Their state, their country, their county, whatever. Their job is to represent wherever it is that they're from and to look pretty. (And good Lord, does Miss California look pretty! Holy crap, how come she can't win based solely on the white bikini alone? If I had been a judge and seen that, I would have stood up and announced, "She wins! The rest of you can go now! She's the winner! Welcome!" In fact, let's just keep seeing more of that white bikini shot, shall we? That should calm things down a bit. In some ways.) So if she's 'representing' California, then her answer (unfortunately) represents California, as the majority of voters decided last November to pass Proposition 8 and declare that a marriage is between a man and a woman.

And one of the reasons that Proposition 8 passed was because of people like YOU, Mario. Jackasses like you who were vitriolic toward those who disagreed with you. People like you who spewed your hatred of anything and anyone who was in disagreement with you were one of the reasons why Prop 8 passed. People like you who insisted that anyone who was against gay marriage was a bigot. And other folks got really tired of hearing that. Folks like Miss California who didn't have anything against gay people themselves, but who were not comfortable redefining what a marriage is. And folks who felt that way but were on the fence as to how to vote on it were easily persuaded to vote FOR Prop 8 after repeatedly hearing asinine statements from people such as you, Senor.

Super Mario wanted Miss California to give a more politically correct response. He wanted her to say something ambiguous regardless as to whether or not she actually believed what she said. I find that sad. Sad that he would think that and sad that he has a brain the size of a walnut that would allow him to think that. I don't care who you are or what your position in life is, I would rather you be honest and have some integrity that to lie because it's what people want to hear. Even if you're an ass. If you're an ass and you're honest about the fact that you are, in fact, an ass, then at least I can respect you for being an ass and admitting it instead of being an ass and denying it.

I wonder if that's what he would like our politicians to do. Would he just prefer that they blow smoke up our ass (actually, given his orientation, he'd probably enjoy that. But I digress...) and tell us what we want to hear in order to get elected and then just go about and do what they really want to do when they're in office? I don't think that's a very good idea. Seems...horribly misguided.

Really, the biggest tragedy in all of this is that the funniest part of her answer was totally missed by everyone. Come on! 'Opposite marriage'? That's hilarious! That should be the focus of all of this discussion, not what her answer was! Gay marriage and opposite marriage! That's just funny. I hate it when perfectly good humor goes to waste. This whole thing has been such a debacle, it makes me long for the days of the Miss Teen USA Pageant and pretty little Miss South Carolina's response to the question she was posed.

Why? Why can't those moments come back? We were such a happier people during the days of things such as, um, the Iraq and the South Africa and such as.

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