Meat Lady Gaga

Usually after some awards show, I spend an entire blog post going through what various celebritards wore on the barely eventful evening. And especially after an awards show like MTV's Video Music Awards, I usually have plenty of material. But this time, strangely, and sadly, not so much. People were actually dressed fairly nicely and fairly normally. What's up with that?! Fortunately, however, there was one outfit that gives me plenty of material to cover the entire post in and of it's entirety. I present to you Lady Gaga and her meat dress. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That, as I implied so cleverly above, is a meat dress. It's a dress. And it is made out of meat. Need I say more? I think I do need to say more. But before I do, let's try and get to the bottom of this, shall we? Why would anyone, even someone as eclectic as Lady Gaga, wear a dress made out of meat? Even after she has answered this question, it's still a bit unclear.

According to the fine folks over there at the NY Daily News, Lady Gaga said "...she wasn't making a statement about vegetarians with her slaughterhouse chic. Instead, she explained it was about gay rights in the military...". Wait. What now? Gay rights? In the military? That has to do with wearing a meat suit? How...how is that?

She didn't go on to make it much more clear, adding, "If we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones...And I am not a piece of meat." Wow. I'm going to have to take that apart one crazy item at a time. I'd like to think that the meat on my bones does have rights. After all, I have rights. So, therefore, doesn't that mean that my meat, which comprises me, has the same rights? Even if it doesn't mean that, I don't see how wearing the flesh of a dead cow is going to help that. I might help get me a prescription for some Xanax, but I'm not so sure about more rights.

As for her not being a piece of meat, I don't ever like to think of people as "pieces of meat". But does she really expect people to not think of her in that manner when she tends to perform dressed like this:

And this:

Or even like this:

All of those outfits are kind of pieces of meat-ish. Is that how it should be? I don't know if it can be any different if you're looking like that. I'm not saying that it's good or bad (I am saying that it's a little freaking weird, though), I'm just saying what does she expect?


The NY Daily News asked a butcher for his opinion on this freak show and he made the assessment that, all in all, she probably had about a hundred dollars of meat there in which to make her dress, her purse and her hat. (Yes, there was a purse and a hat. No word on what was in the purse. A friend of mine guessed that there were bacon bits and an egg timer, for whatever that is worth.) The butcher said, "There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks...The best you've got is the flank steak on top of her head." There's a sentence I never thought I'd type. On top of her head? Yes. On top of her head. Behold!

Good Lord...OK, look, this is what she does. She's sooooo outrageous. Or something like that. And I don't care what she does. It is entertaining and at least she has the musical pipes to back up stuff like this. But I wills say that I'm a little disappointed at her lack of creativity with the meat get-up. Come on...only one kind of meat? What sort of meat outfit is that?! Jazz it up a little bit! Have a necklace made out of sausage links! Make shoes out of pigs feet! Wear a bra made out of chicken breasts! What about a hot dog belt? She's really limiting herself to only the cow. I expect more out of my freakish pop-stars these days. I really do.

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Meet With Meat

So, you need a business card, do you? Want something original? Something that will make folks remember that they crammed it in their pocket or purse just moments after you gave it to/forced it upon them? A card that is not only noteworthy and unique, but also mouth watering scrum-diddily-umptous? Huh? Not really? Hmmm. Well, what if you did want that?! Then you'd want Meat Cards! ("I would?" "You WOULD!")

Two great things that go great together. No, not the classic (and NORMAL) peanut butter and chocolate, but rather business cards and meat. Beef jerky to be exact. Now I'm sure that you're thinking, among other things like WTF, how do business cards and meat have anything at all to do with each other? That's the beauty of this. Separately, they have very little to do with each other. But if you combine the two and add the technology of a laser, you've got yourself a business card on a slab of beef jerky. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? THOSE are meat cards. Business cards made from meat and engraved with a laser. Laser carved meat cards. According to the aptly named website, meatcards.com "Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients: MEAT AND LASERS." Well, you can't argue with that. Can you? Never mind. Onward.

It would seem that the theory behind this concept as a useful product is...well...I don't know that there is one. But they do claim that "Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards." Now, I KNOW you can't argue with THAT! What's not to love? Meat. Good. Business cards. Um, good? Not resorting to cannibalism when all of the banks fail and we're thrust into the apocalyptic depression of 2009-2010? Priceless.

What might one do with a Meat Card? Well, if you're thinking about filing it away in your Rolodex, think again. "MEAT CARDS do not fit in a Rolodex, because their deliciousness CANNOT BE CONTAINED in a Rolodex." (They have a point.)

Good to know. Good to know.These guys get their jerky from Werner Gourmet Meat Snacks, Inc. in Tillamook, Oregon and they're as of lately, still in the prototype and testing phase of this project. There have been some bumps along the way.

Nothing with jerky is ever smooth. Hence the name: jerky. "Each piece of jerky is about 4" wide by 11" long. There are lots of holes in the jerky, which we hadn't expected (our expectations are completely irrelevant, of course, we are not Jerky Experts)." Clearly, after reading that sort of narrative disclosure, they're honest boys. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm not even going to dignify my own rhetorical question with a hypothetical response. But if you want some business cards made of out beef jerky and etched with a laser, you have found your mother lode for just such a desire. Personally, I think they may be onto something, but they might be taking it in an unsustainable direction. Here's a take on the whole meat and lasers theme: Sear stuff, like company logos, website URLs, etc. on things like hot dogs and steaks. Serve them up at the company picnic! Give them to potential clients! OK, that's all I've got. But I wish them the best of luck with this laser meat thing. It's good to have goals.

According to the website, Meat Cards is a joint production of four separate entities, one of which is Takiro Interactive, the maker of Nerd Merit Badges! At 1.5 inches and fully embroidered with a Velcro back, they can be attached to a variety of different surfaces such as your backpack or your jacket. In true Nerd Merit Badge form, you could even start your own Nerd Badge Sash! Well, OK then.

Good to know that even in these 'tough economic times' entrepeneurialism is still alive and well deep, deep, DEEEEEEP down in the heart of the Internet. Here's to hoping it doesn't escape.

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