I Want My 1995 Internet

The Internet in 1995 as documented by MTV. That is all. (Oh, and check out how cute Sandra Bullock was back then. OK, THAT is all.)

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Meat Lady Gaga

Usually after some awards show, I spend an entire blog post going through what various celebritards wore on the barely eventful evening. And especially after an awards show like MTV's Video Music Awards, I usually have plenty of material. But this time, strangely, and sadly, not so much. People were actually dressed fairly nicely and fairly normally. What's up with that?! Fortunately, however, there was one outfit that gives me plenty of material to cover the entire post in and of it's entirety. I present to you Lady Gaga and her meat dress. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That, as I implied so cleverly above, is a meat dress. It's a dress. And it is made out of meat. Need I say more? I think I do need to say more. But before I do, let's try and get to the bottom of this, shall we? Why would anyone, even someone as eclectic as Lady Gaga, wear a dress made out of meat? Even after she has answered this question, it's still a bit unclear.

According to the fine folks over there at the NY Daily News, Lady Gaga said "...she wasn't making a statement about vegetarians with her slaughterhouse chic. Instead, she explained it was about gay rights in the military...". Wait. What now? Gay rights? In the military? That has to do with wearing a meat suit? How...how is that?

She didn't go on to make it much more clear, adding, "If we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones...And I am not a piece of meat." Wow. I'm going to have to take that apart one crazy item at a time. I'd like to think that the meat on my bones does have rights. After all, I have rights. So, therefore, doesn't that mean that my meat, which comprises me, has the same rights? Even if it doesn't mean that, I don't see how wearing the flesh of a dead cow is going to help that. I might help get me a prescription for some Xanax, but I'm not so sure about more rights.

As for her not being a piece of meat, I don't ever like to think of people as "pieces of meat". But does she really expect people to not think of her in that manner when she tends to perform dressed like this:

And this:

Or even like this:

All of those outfits are kind of pieces of meat-ish. Is that how it should be? I don't know if it can be any different if you're looking like that. I'm not saying that it's good or bad (I am saying that it's a little freaking weird, though), I'm just saying what does she expect?


The NY Daily News asked a butcher for his opinion on this freak show and he made the assessment that, all in all, she probably had about a hundred dollars of meat there in which to make her dress, her purse and her hat. (Yes, there was a purse and a hat. No word on what was in the purse. A friend of mine guessed that there were bacon bits and an egg timer, for whatever that is worth.) The butcher said, "There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks...The best you've got is the flank steak on top of her head." There's a sentence I never thought I'd type. On top of her head? Yes. On top of her head. Behold!

Good Lord...OK, look, this is what she does. She's sooooo outrageous. Or something like that. And I don't care what she does. It is entertaining and at least she has the musical pipes to back up stuff like this. But I wills say that I'm a little disappointed at her lack of creativity with the meat get-up. Come on...only one kind of meat? What sort of meat outfit is that?! Jazz it up a little bit! Have a necklace made out of sausage links! Make shoes out of pigs feet! Wear a bra made out of chicken breasts! What about a hot dog belt? She's really limiting herself to only the cow. I expect more out of my freakish pop-stars these days. I really do.

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MTV's Fakeroversy Shore

Once again, MTV (whose call letters stand for Music TeleVision, but yet whose station doesn't actually play any music) has found itself a pretty good fakeroversy (fake + controversy = fakeroversy), this time in the form of something called "Jersey Shore".

According to the huffy folks over there at The Huffington Post, the show "...depicts Italian-American beachgoers as the "hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos" ." OK, then. One of the ads for the show boasts that the participants "keep their hair high, their muscles juiced and their fists pumping all summer long!" Ooh! How exciting! Um, or not. But see, I hear something like that and I just think "To each their own. Their moronic, brainless, waste of time, own." But not everyone sees it like that.

Take UNICO. They don't take it that way at all. In case you're wondering (as I was) what the heck a UNICO is, let me just tell you, it's not one of those mythical horses with one horn sprouting from the top of their head. No, that's a unicorn. This is different. UNICO bills themselves as "The Largest Italian American Service Organization In the USA". (Why no, I do not know why everything is capitalized besides 'the'.) For the record, UNICO stands for "Unity, Neighborliness, Integrity, Charity and Opportunity." I'm not sure why the part about them being Italian based isn't in that title. I was betting that part on the "I", but that's not it. Anyway, they're not happy about this Jersey Shore thing at all. According to a letter that they sent to MTV and which they posted on their website “In the name of decency and fairness to millions of Italian Americans....I am writing to your office to demand that you immediately pull this series before it airs."

So, they're talking about "decency" and yet they go on to "demand". I'm not so sure that I'm associating "demanding" with "decency", to tell you the truth.

The UNICO folks go on to complain that Jersey Shore “sends the wrong message” to all as a whole by promoting and glamorizing poor behavior, the use of ethnic stereotypes, racial and ethnic slurs." Now hold on just a minute folks. Let's just simmer down here and look at that argument rationally, OK?

They're basically admitting that the folks in this show (the "Guidos" as the MTV folks call them) are engaging in poor behavior, using ethnic stereotypes and promoting the racial and ethnic slurs. Why is their problem with MTV and not with the people who are acting this way? Is it truly a "stereotype" if that's how people really are? I'm not so sure that it is.

Here's the part that these folks miss: Not everyone in this country is a racist. Not everyone in this country buys into the falsehood that if you see something on TV, then it has to be real. Why can't the people on this show just be seen as the Cast of Dumbasses? (If, in fact, that's what they are; I haven't watched the show, so I have no idea if they're dumbasses or not, though I doubt they spend entire episodes studying for calculus exams at the nation's highest universities or gathered around the kitchen table holding deep discussions about the intricacies of Cap and Trade.)

I don't see why the actions of a few have to dictate the assessment of the whole. Please. Give people enough credit to realize that these folks who are on the Guido Show or whatever it's called are doing so because (and stay with me here) they want to be. They don't care that they're like that. They don't understand that the majority of people are not like that and, more importantly, the don't understand the the majority of people don't want to be like that. What they really don't understand is that people who watch the Dumbass Hour or whatever it's called, aren't doing so for any reason other than sheer entertainment that comes at the expense, not the company, of others.

Lay off the fakeroversy building and the demanding and the attacks on everyone who isn't of the same ethnic background as you are. Could you please give a little bit more credit to those who are not a member of your ethnic group? Please? We're not so dumb that we see one portrayal of a group of people (on freaking MTV no less! MTV! The home of Jackass!) and we automatically assume that it is an accurate portrayal of how EVERYONE in that ENTIRE ethnic group behaves with their every waking breath. I am over you people.

If their behaviors and their attitudes are so detrimental, UNICO can only hope that the participants get a taste of what real life is like when you're like that and that MTV will air it. And from what I've heard, that might actually be happening. From what I understand, one of the cast members was mouthing off with profanities to some dude in some bar and the dude punched her in the face. I'm not a fan of violence, but I'm also not a fan of not understanding reasons why you shouldn't say certain things to certain people. Is it wrong that a guy hit a girl? Sure it is. I'm not saying it's not wrong. All I'm saying is I understand.

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Asshattery at the VMAs

As far as the MTV Video Music Awards Show goes, last night's was pretty tame. Now, that's not to say that there wasn't a great deal of folks looking like (and in some cases, acting like) they got lost on their way to try out for the circus. There was plenty of that. It wouldn't be the freak show that it is the VMAs if there wasn't. Allow me to give you a pictorial recap of the night's events. (Spoiler alert: Kanye West is a jerk. Oh. Wait. How is that a spoiler? Who wasn't already aware of that fact? Never mind. Carry on!)

We had a one Lady Gaga (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean) arrive to the awards with her date, a one tuxedo-clad and green hued Mr. Kermit the Frog. It would seem that back in July, Lady Gaga was interviewed on some German show and she showed up for it wearing an outfit made entirely of Kermit the Frog dolls or puppets or something. All I can tell is that they are definitely Kermits and they definitely look ridiculous. Behold!

She said something about it being art, that she was artsy, that you didn't need money to live the way that she lived. I'd have to disagree with that. If you were going to live like she does and wear that Kermit outfit everywhere, you're going to need money to pay for the therapy which you clearly need. I'll bet that was a bit unnerving for Kermit to see a suit made out of...well...himself. But it couldn't have been any more unnerving for him to see that than it was for us to all see her accept her award for Best New Artist, presented to her by Eminem. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? I'm pretty sure that's what Eminem is thinking as well. (What the hell have I gotten myself into?) There's something wrong with that woman. I don't know if it's even possible for her to make the amount of money that the therapy that she so desperately needs is going to cost. Art. Yeah, sure. Call it what you want, but that ain't normal.

Madonna was on hand to give a little tribute speech to none other than the King of Tributes, Michael Jackson. I'm going to assume that she had prepared the whole thing ahead of time, but she got a little ramble-y there for a bit. Something about how she realized that after Michael died that she (and the majority of other folks who knew him) had abandoned him during his crisis years (also known as "his forties"). She said her kids are huge Jacko fans and, in a moment of overdisclosure (from Madonna? Shocking, I know!) said that there is a lot of "crotch grabbing" going on at her house these days. Granted, I surmise that there has always been a lot of "crotch grabbing" in Madonna's life, but it was an amusing anecdote none the less.

Speaking of Michael Jackson, here's Katy Perry seemingly doing an impersonation of a combo between Jacko and Gene Simmons.

And still speaking of Michael Jackson, here is his father, Joe Jackson, who is accompanied by a pair of breasts being escorted in by attaching themselves to a young woman. Behold!

Good Lord, ma'am. Most people have business cards.

Jack Black, looking ridiculously pumped up as if he was getting ready to shoot a remake of Pumping Iron, was there for some reason. Oh, wait. He was in the movie School of Rock. If you do a movie that has anything at all to do with music, that's your "in" for the rest of your life. Well that explains why he was there. Now if someone could just explain what's with the large medieval weaponry and the biceps the size of Cuba.

Jennifer Lopez's breasts made an appearance as seemingly the only two things holding up her spacesuit-esque dress. She looks confused, as if she can't figure out why she's wearing that either.

Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg were on hand for the festivities. Andy Samberg was clearly determined to prove, once and for all, that he had the world's biggest mouth. And it was nice to see that Andy got so dressed up for the event. At least Jimmy Fallon tucked his shirt in and combed his hair.

Alicia Keys works on her Billy Idol lip curl. (Hmmm. It's kinda hot. Can't fault that. Nothing wrong here. Next!)

Perez Hilton must be disappointed that the rest of his Big Bird costume didn't show up in time for the VMAs. But at least he still painted his hands yellow because, well, that makes sense. (What the hell?)

But really, the highlight (or the lowlight) of the evening was when Taylor Swift was up on stage to accept her award for Best Female Video. She said that she sings "country music" and that she was really excited to win a VMA and get that nifty little Moonman statue to take home as a souvenir. How in the world what Taylor Swift sings constitutes "country music" I'll never know. It's not like I don't like the music because I do. But one can hardly call it country. It's far from that. Who makes these decisions anyway? You know, the music genre labeling decisions. I just want to know what their criteria is, that's all. It used to be that even if your music was on the fringe of country music, you'd at least throw in a fiddle or some sort of recognizable twang for 3 seconds. Now? No fiddle. No twang. But it's still called country. I don't get it. Below is Taylor Swift arriving at the VMAs just how you would expect a country artist to arrive. In a carriage. Wait. What now?

Yeah, there's a whole lot of country going on right there. Sure there is. But I digress. Anyway, so she's up there on stage accepting this award. Mind you, this chick is only 19 and her first album only came out in 2006. She's new to all of this. And we are all new to the Kanye West version of being human. See, Kanye apparently had it in his head (which had some design shaved into it so that it looked like a crop circle had formed on his dome) that Beyonce had the Best Female Video of 2009 and that Beyonce should win. But when Beyonce didn't win, Kanye West still thought that she had the Best Female Video and decided to let everyone know how he felt. He also didn't feel like waiting until Taylor Swift was done with her acceptance speech either.

She's up there, talking about how she's always wondered what it would feel like to win a VMA and then all of a sudden, there's freaking Kanye West, pulling the microphone out of her hand! Classy, Kanye. Class-y. He starts strutting around like a peacock with a peahen up his ass and says, "Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!" And then just as quickly as he strutted on, he strutted off...leaving behind a confused Taylor Swift, a horrified Beyonce and earning himself an ejection from the awards by the MTV folks. Nice job. You know you've screwed up when MTV has has enough of your sorry act!

Seriously? If his goal was to make everything all about him, he succeeded, but not necessarily in a good way. He is now associated with the words "prick" and "dick" and "douchebag" by most of the folks who were at the VMAs, so if that's the kind of attention he needs, he now has plenty of it. If he needs an example of what a class act looks like, he can turn to the woman who he thinks "had one of the best videos of all time", Beyonce. (And by the way, that woman is hot. I think I remember her singing at some point, but I don't really remember. I'm sure she's good, but she could play the bagpipes and look like that and I'd still be a fan.)

When Beyonce took the stage to accept the award for Video of the Year, she talked about how excited she was when she won her first VMA when she was 17 and with Destiny's Child and how great that was for her and then she said she wanted Taylor Swift to come out and finish her damn acceptance speech (which was cut off by prick-dick-douchebag Kanye). Now that is actually classy.

Kanye tried to apologize on his blog (Good Lord, he's a blogger). Let's just say that the entry was a little bit lacking in the sincerity department. As brought to us by the good folks at Fox40, the blog post said: "I'm so sorry to Taylor Swift and her fans and her mom. I spoke to her mother right after and she said the same thing my mother would've said. She is very talented! I like the lyrics about being a cheerleader and she's in the bleachers! I'm in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment! Beyonce's video was the best of this decade!!! I'm sorry to my fans if I let you guys down!!! I'm sorry to my friends at MTV.

I will apologize to Taylor 2mrw . Welcome to the real world!!! Everybody wanna boo me but I'm a fan of real pop culture! No disrespect but we watchin' the show at the crib right now cause...well you know!!! I'm still happy for Taylor!!! Booyaa. You are very very talented. I gave my award to Outkast when they deserved it over me. That's what it is! I'm not crazy yall, I'm just real. Sorry for that! I really feel bad for Taylor and I'm sincerely sorry!!! Much respect!!!"

He seemed to have a hard time remembering that he was supposed to be apologizing. He must not have even thought very much of what he did write there, as it has since disappeared from his blog. The video of what he was apologizing for is below.

So is Kanye West that big of an a-hole or is there something else going on? I, personally, think that he's that big of an a-hole. But if there's one thing that doesn't mix well with a-hole, it's alcohol! Behold!

What is that? Hennessy? Cognac? Really? Can you do that?? I was unaware that you could be swigging alcohol right out of the bottle whilst on the red carpet at the VMAs. I don't recall anyone else ever bringing the entire bottle with them! But at least it explains things. It explains that only a self-centered jerk would show up to an awards show clinging to a bottle of cognac and swigging from it before he goes up on stage in an assumed drunken stupor and ruins (or at least dampens) someone winning their first VMA by taking away their mike and minimizing her win by saying that someone else should have won instead. Yep, that about does it.

So if you're wondering if anything other than Kanye being a jackass can be attributed to his extremely rude behavior last night, let's just say that we have reason to believe that alcohol may have been involved. You think?

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