Friday, February 5, 2010

It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin


What's going on in the world of crime these days, you ask? Same old, same old. Bunches of idiots, all trying to break the law, with some failing in a spectacular fashion.

Let's first start in Springfield, Massachusetts where Breitbart.com tells us about a one Chamil Guadarrama. Mr. Guadarrama, aged 30-years old and old enough to know better, was arrested at a Bath and Body Works with what must have had to have been extremely chafed skin. Now, allegedly, Mr. Guadarrama was chased by mall security officers. Shockingly, the most surprising aspect of this story will not be that mall security officers can actually run. No, the most surprising aspect will be that Mr. Guadarrama could barely run himself. Because his pants were stuffed full of lotion that he was allegedly stealing. All alleged 75 bottles of it. Wait. What now? Allegedly?

That's correct. Mr. Guadarrama had 75 8-ounce bottles of lotion shoved down his pants. I didn't read anywhere in the story that Mr. Guadarrama was eight feet tall, so I'm presuming him to be of normal height and semi-normal girth. Along those same lines, I'm also presuming him to be of less than below average intelligence for attempting this caper of the inexplicable.

According to the folks over at MassLive.com "...Guadarrama was found with 75 8-ounce glass bottles of lotion stuffed into his pants." Glass bottles? How did he get them all in there, you ask? "A clerk at the store spotted Guadarrama slipping bottles of lotion through his zipper..." Never mind. Too much information. (I guess I thought it would have been harmless to know, but now I'm really sorry I asked.)
Honestly, did this guy think that this would work? He has 75 bottles of lotion in his pants which are tied at the bottom with a string (you know, so the lotion doesn't fall out as he hobbles off to make his getaway). He can barely walk. He certainly can't run at anything above a lethargic trot. How was all of this falling in place in his head? I can't imagine. There's also the fact that someone at the store might notice that suddenly they're out of lotion!

That equals out to 37-1/2 pounds of lotion. And that's just the liquid! That's almost 5 gallons of lotion. And that IS just the liquid! But none of those figures are including the weight of the containers! As you can imagine with that much stuff crammed into your pants, he didn't exactly tear out of the mall like Usain Bolt or anything. According to a one Sgt. John M. Delaney, Guadarrama "...had a hard time running and was extremely bowlegged.” Ya think?! AND, in the utmost example of irony "Guadarrama’s legs were also “extremely chaffed” when he was taken into custody following his run (and) He needed the use of some of the stolen items." OK, soooo...what was going on here?

Wait. Let's wait a minute. Let's not worry about what he was thinking for just a moment and instead, let's focus on what in the hell he could need that much lotion for! Was he planning to be like that freaky guy in Silence of the Lambs? You know, the "It puts the lotion on it's skin" dude. (Creepy show. Awesome, but creepy as hell.) I needed to know! But then I might have found out and I didn't want to know anymore.

Doing your basic Google search (please click, as it's highly amusing), I came upon a Chamil Guadarrama who was a registered sex offender in Framingham, Mass. Ew!! Said offenses which landed the alleged lotion thief on the list by which those who offend sexually were stated as being: Indecent A&B on a Person over 14; Assault on Child with intent to Rape; and Rape. He appears to have been convicted of all of those in November of 2005. Ummm....Framingham? Massachusetts? Anyone? What in the hell was this guy doing out of jail? Out of prison? Out of anywhere with or without lotion?!?! Seriously, Massachusetts?! This guy is out there raping what appear to be children or at the very least, a child and y'all let him out of jail less than 5 years later?! Why would that be?! Did you cut his unit off first? No? Then I'm still going to be waiting for a logical reason as to why this guy is roaming the streets with his pants crammed with what is likely to be very pleasant smelling bodily lotions.

Note to self: Avoid Framingham, Massachusetts like the freaking plague!
This can't end well.

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