Wednesday, January 23, 2013

 Remember the cool little video that was nominated for an Oscar which depicted the making of guacamole out of inanimate objects?  Yeah, here's another one by the same people, only this time they're making spaghetti.  It's not as good as the guacamole one, but it's still pretty awesome.  And since I'm having one hell of a time writing things right now, it's going to have to do.  Behold! 

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Monday, January 21, 2013

Lie Witness News - Inauguration Edition

The inauguration was today.  Of course, that didn't stop Jimmy Kimmel from asking people about it on Friday.  It also didn't stop people from commenting on ridiculous and made up details that were presented to them about the inauguration that hadn't happened yet.  Lie Witness News is what Kimmel calls this segment. He's onto something.  I'm not sure what, but something. 



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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Congratulations!

My beloved SF 49ers are back in the Super Bowl after an eighteen year absence and after a whole lot of crappy football. I'm very excited. I am a little concerned that our coach, Jim Harbaugh, might have a heart attack before the big game is over if things don't go his way. Below is a clip of what will go down in history as a classic meltdown. It will also give psychiatrists something to study in the likely event that he is one day committed.

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Saturday, January 19, 2013

Fetch!

I don't know what my deal is.  I don't know if it's just writer's block or if I'm burnt out or if there really isn't anything overly compelling to mock in the news these days.  I don't get it.  But whatever it is, it's real and it's here.  So in lieu of nothing, here's a dog with a GoPro strapped to it. 


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Friday, January 18, 2013

He Finally Admitted It

Lance Armstrong had a little sit down with Oprah and finally admitted that he doped in all seven of his Tour de France wins.  It was a welcome admission considering what a prick he has been about denying everything up until this point.  Seriously, he has been so freaking adamant about not cheating this entire time that it almost wasn't enough that he just simply answered "Yes" when asked if he had cheated.  I can't really explain it any more than that, but if you've seen him previously deny everything, you might understand what I'm talking about.  Below is a compilation of him being an arrogant a-hole time and time and time again.  Maybe that will help. 

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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Whose Guns? All Your Guns

With all of the talk about gun control and whose guns are going to get taken away and if the Second Amendment is getting trampled on, I think it's time for a little Jimmy Kimmel to lighten the load just a bit.  Here is a silly little commercial that he came up with.  I find it particularly amusing due to the context that it ends up being in.  Because if there is one thing that folks love to do with issues like guns, it's ignore context.  Behold! 


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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

23 Orders Of Confusion

OK, so today President Barry signed a bunch  of executive orders regarding gun violence. This was in response to the horror that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT last month.  He (and a lot of other people) keep saying that if we can do something that will keep just one child safe, then we should do it.  I kind of find that statement to be a bit overreaching, but I understand the sentiment behind it.  So since this is in response to a school shooting, I'm going to go ahead and assume that these measures are an attempt to prevent future school shootings.  Fair enough?  OK, then let's look at these and see if they have any relevance at all to what went on at Sandy Hook or if they seem to be more of a feel good measure that will let people brush their hands together and say "That's that!"  Here we go: 

1. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal agencies to make relevant data available to the federal background check system.  (I'm sure that's a good idea, but it wouldn't have helped.  The shooter took guns from his mother's house.)

2. Address unnecessary legal barriers, particularly relating to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, that may prevent states from making information available to the background check system.  (Again, a fine idea, but wouldn't have helped.)

3. Improve incentives for states to share information with the background check system.  (It isn't clear to me what this means, but since there was not a background check involved when the shooter got his guns, this wouldn't have helped.)

4. Direct the Attorney General to review categories of individuals prohibited from having a gun to make sure dangerous people are not slipping through the cracks.  (I like the idea of people not slipping through the cracks.  But again, how would that have prevented Sandy Hook?)

5. Propose rulemaking to give law enforcement the ability to run a full background check on an individual before returning a seized gun.  (This has absolutely no relevance to the Sandy Hook tragedy.)

6. Publish a letter from ATF to federally licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers.  (Ooohh!  A published letter!  But he didn't buy his guns.  He got them from his mother's house.)

7. Launch a national safe and responsible gun ownership campaign.  (What is that going to cost me?!  This is just a feel good measure.  I have a hard time believing that if the shooter in Newtown just knew about safe and responsible gun ownership that it would have made a difference in his decision making process.)

8. Review safety standards for gun locks and gun safes (Consumer Product Safety Commission).  (Completely irrelevant to what this is in response to.) 

9. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations.  (We don't do this already?!)

10. Release a DOJ report analyzing information on lost and stolen guns and make it widely available to law enforcement.  (We don't do this already?!)

11. Nominate an ATF director.  (We don't have one of these already?!  With as much stuff as ATF is involved in, there's NO director?  Great.)

12. Provide law enforcement, first responders, and school officials with proper training for active shooter situations.  (Sandy Hook had measures in place.  They had plans.  They even took precautions ahead of time.  But I guess it couldn't hurt.)

13. Maximize enforcement efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime.  (This sounds lovely, but it means nothing.  Prosecute gun crime?  Uh, I'm pretty sure we do.  And if we don't, then what the hell?!)

14. Issue a Presidential Memorandum directing the Centers for Disease Control to research the causes and prevention of gun violence.  (As if there is going to be A cause and A cure.  Why are we dragging the CDC into this?!)

15. Direct the Attorney General to issue a report on the availability and most effective use of new gun safety technologies and challenge the private sector to develop innovative technologies.  (This sounds like something that responsible gun owners would be interested in.  This does not sound like something irresponsible gun owners would be interested in.  You tell me which of those groups is going to be more likely to shoot up a school.)

16. Clarify that the Affordable Care Act does not prohibit doctors asking their patients about guns in their homes.  (I hate this.  It is none of my doctor's business whether or not I have a gun in my home.  I do not want health care providers collecting my personal information for the government.  My doctor can ask me all he wants, I will refuse to answer.  I suggest you do the same.)

17. Release a letter to health care providers clarifying that no federal law prohibits them from reporting threats of violence to law enforcement authorities.  (As a former health care provider, I'm pretty sure that we're aware of that.  But go ahead and write your letter.  Still wouldn't have prevented Sandy Hook.)

18. Provide incentives for schools to hire school resource officers.  (Incentives like what?  I'm not necessarily against this.  It might help.  Hey!  We found one!) 

19. Develop model emergency response plans for schools, houses of worship and institutions of higher education.  (How did churches get lumped into this?  What does this even mean?)

20. Release a letter to state health officials clarifying the scope of mental health services that Medicaid plans must cover.  (Another letter?  Does President Barry need a pen pal or something?  What do the scope of mental health services have to do with this?  I agree that we need more mental health funding and availability, but I'm not sure how clarifying the limits does anything.  It certainly wouldn't have helped at Sandy Hook.)

21. Finalize regulations clarifying essential health benefits and parity requirements within ACA exchanges.  (I don't even know what this means.  I don't know that essential health benefits would have prevented the Sandy Hook shooter from doing what he did, however.)

22. Commit to finalizing mental health parity regulations.  (Again, I don't even know what this means.  Finalize?  Are they in the works?  I don't think that they are.  Then again, I don't know what they are, so it's hard to say.  I will say that it wouldn't have helped the situation that instigated all of this.)

23. Launch a national dialogue led by Secretary Sebelius.  (Does he think that there isn't already a national dialogue about this?  It's all I've heard about for the last month.  I'm pretty sure we've got that one covered, but thanks.  Oh, and by the way, how would that have prevented anything?  Yeah, it wouldn't have.  That's what I thought.)

So where are we?  Exactly where we were before, only this time we have twenty three executive orders.  And one final note on this.  President Barry made his little speech and signed all of these in front of a bunch of token children.  Look, if you're going to stand up there and talk about shootings in elementary schools and talk about children getting slaughtered, please, for the love of God, do NOT have a bunch of children sitting there to listen to you talk about such horrors.  Is that really necessary?  I don't think that it is!  That was weak.  Please don't drag children into this so that you can look good or whatever.  They don't need to be freaked out by the thought that maybe their school is a dangerous place to go every day. 

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Bad NFL Lip Reading

Football season is almost over.  And I love NFL football so much that it's a little bittersweet at this time of year.  It's been an awesome season, but I'm sad to see it come to an end.  What I'm not sad about is that this video was possible thanks to the current NFL season.  It's Bad NFL Lip Reading.  And it's just what it says that it is.  You won't be disappointed.  Behold! 

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Monday, January 14, 2013

Just Educate Them

Let's talk just a little more about these beauty pageants like the Miss America or whatever it was the other night.  The questions that these women get asked are absolutely perplexing.  Not because they're difficult questions to answer, but because I can't imagine why in the world anyone would give a fat rat's ass about what Miss [Insert State Name Here] would have to say about any of them.  These are women who walk around in bikinis and high heels on purpose.  If you saw someone in your regular life wearing high heels whilst in a bikini, don't tell me you wouldn't think to yourself, "What the heck is wrong with that person?"  You certainly wouldn't go up to them and start asking them "deep" questions. 

But that's what they do at the Miss America pageant. And the answers that are given are almost always pandering to what they think that the most popular answer is at the time.  Let's illustrate that by looking at the almost inexplicable response that Miss New York gave to the question (asked by Sam Champion, a weatherman who is apparently also qualified for pageantry work as well as telling us that we might need to put on a jacket) "In the wake of the Newtown tragedy, there has been a lot of talk about gun control.  One solution being proposed is an armed guard in every school. Do you think that would make our schools safer?”  Here is how Miss New York thinks we should save the children:  "I actually don’t. I don’t think the proper way to fight violence is with violence.  I think the proper way is to educate people about guns and the ways we can use them properly. You can lock them up, we can have gun safety classes. A longer waiting period before they are sold. The answer is not to fight violence with violence.” 

Naturally, that answer won her a round of polite applause.  Then again, from what I can tell, a contestant would practically have to fart her answer in Morse code to not get applause.  But I digress.  The point here is that we've all been missing the obvious!  Here we are debating the merits of video game violence and media coverage (Well, actually, I'm the only one who wants to talk about how these things are covered in the media because I think that the sensationalistic coverage of these mass shootings only encourages more mentally disturbed individuals to act in like manners, but still.) and guns and gun control and we missed the one action that will save us all!  We need to educate people about guns!  Of course!  If someone had just told that nutjob that going into an elementary school classroom and shooting 20 small children was wrong, then this entire problem could have been avoided!  Eureka!  We've found the densest person in the country! 

Educate people on how we can use guns properly.  That might be one of the stupider things that I have ever heard.  (I realize that I've tried to stay away from the word 'stupid' for as long as I've been writing this blog, but in this instance, it's the only word that I can come up with that accurately describes her statement.  'Moronic' just doesn't quite cut it.)  I'm sure that the parents and the relatives and the friends of everyone who was killed over there in Newtown will be relieved to know that if we just educate people on the proper ways to use guns (ie, don't kill people with them because that's not proper) then these things will never happen again.  Sure.  That's the solution.  Tell people not to do it.  Educate them on the proper use of guns.  OK then.  Miss California and her thinking that euthanasia is a vaccine is making her look like Einstein compared to Miss New York over here. 

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Sunday, January 13, 2013

It's Not A Vaccine

So did you see the Miss America pageant the other night?  Of course you didn't!  Because who is that for?  Who watches that anymore?  Who ever watched that in the first place?  I've never understood the concept or how all of the components fit together.  It's essentially a beauty contest, but yet they ask the contestants questions, make them showcase some sort of talent and then put them in a bikini and high heels (which is a talent in and of itself) and then vote using some sort of discretionary system that seems to be completely subjective!  What are the standards for voting?  What system are they using? Oh, that's right.  Their own opinions.  Whatever.  But the questions can get entertaining.  Rather, the answer can get entertaining.  Come on.  These are people who voluntarily participate in this lunacy.  You tell me how deep and profound their answers to allegedly important questions are actually going to be.  Not very.  Especially in the case of Miss California.  She thinks euthanasia is a vaccine.  I can't make this stuff up.  Behold! 


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