Not So New Bagel Head Craze

So, for some reason, I keep reading various reports about this "new" craze that's going on over yonder in wacky, wacky Japan.  It's in the Huffington Post where they call it the "latest beauty craze".  It's over at Fox News where they claim that the "fad" is "in vogue" right now. And the New York Daily News calls it a "new body art fad". See the similarities?  New, new, and more new!  Here's the problem:  It's anything but new.  In fact, someone might have wrote all about this over three years ago.  That's right.  Someone.  Who could that possibly be?  OH, that's right.  It was me.  I wrote about this nonsense three freaking years ago in a blog post to be found here.  Why is it just now being reported as "new"?  I have no idea.  The media sucks, maybe?  But if you'd like to read a three-year old report on a three-year old craze in Japan, have at it.  Behold! 

There's a reason for my metaphoric walled off compound. It keeps the idiots away. Granted, it also tends to make it difficult to weed out the sane folks (because my theory is "assume they're all crazy right from the start and let them prove you wrong later"), but the truly sane will eventually rise to the level of my putting down the drawbridge that enables them to cross the moat. I realize it might sound a bit extreme and all, but my rationale is completely reasonable: People are morons. And they're getting more moronic by the minute. At least once a day I think "What in the hell is wrong with you people?" about something. Usually Congress, but regular (or not so much) folk as well.

I uttered those very words today when I read about a new fad that's HUGE in Japan right now. Brace yourselves (and pray that it doesn't start showing up here) for the invasion of the Bagelheads. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be the latest 'craze' over yonder in Japan. Please note that the word "crazy" is derived from the word "craze". Or maybe it's the other way around. Whichever it is, it means the same thing if you're participating in all of the Bagelheading. It means you're nuts.

This little craze is explained over at Bizarre Magazine, and I cannot think of a more appropriate outlet to cover this story. The technique is called "body inflation". Now, I thought that was something that just happened to folks during the holidays, but sadly, in Japan, it is not. "Body inflation" involves injecting saline underneath the skin until it swells into a large protrusion that resembles a bagel. Somehow, by pressing on the "inflation" you can manage to form an indentation that will stay there. (Why it doesn't just inflate right out again is beyond me. And really, this whole thing was so completely disgusting to me that I had difficulty reading about it so I could figure out what the hell was going on. Needless to say that I won't be embarking on any long and extended fact finding missions anytime soon.) And after it's properly indented then you will have achieved your desired look - that of someone with a bagel growing inside of them. Behold!

Why a bagel? Why not toast or a muffin? Just wondering. It wouldn't matter if it were to look like a piece of toast or a muffin because just looking at that makes me want to chunder. That's absolutely disgusting. Oh, but it doesn't stop there! No, it gets worse! Behold! Worse!

Seriously, this is not the doing of a completely sane individual. You have to have a touch of mental illness of some sort to do something like that. And while not all mental illness is horrifyingly bad, I certainly can't say that this is good. Look at it! Behold!

Ugh. According to a one Ryoichi ‘Keroppy’ Maeda who has been covering the "body modification scene" since 1992, the reasons that people have for doing this are because "...saline infusion is a gradual process and you become a freak progressively. That’s the joy of it. You can enjoy watching it by having a few drinks and gradually seeing a transformation, but if you’re looking all the time, you can’t see the difference. If you meander off and come back, it’s a real surprise.” Yeah, it's going to take more than "a few drinks" for me to do something like that. And as far as the "real surprise", YES! I would imagine it WOULD be a bit of a "surprise" to see a bagel growing out of one's FOREHEAD, when just a few hours ago NO bagels were there! He insists that "It’s not dangerous, though. It’s just water – there are no scars. It’s a dull pain and sometimes you might get a headache, but it doesn’t last forever." Dull pain. Headache. Sounds like great fun! Usually I wait until the next day when my hangover sets in before I go for the dull pain and a headache, but not these folks. AND they're paying for it!

But even though it isn't dangerous "...some people who’ve done it regularly have found their skin has permanently expanded." You think?!?! Shocking. Blowing up your body parts to have it appear as if the Keebler elves have abandoned their hollow tree and have taken up residence in your noggin and began cranking out their snacks when something got stuck somewhere and you ended up looking like a freak of nature. Behold!

It's just not normal. I don't care how not "dangerous" it is. But people continue to do them because, according to BMEzine.com founder Shannon Larratt "It’s a play activity, and not a permanent body modification – though doing it regularly on your testicles can permanently stretch the scrotum."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

I'm not even going to ASK how he knows that. I'm just going to let it go. Lettin' it go!

Back to the safety issues, he added, "It’s safe if the person follows basic sterility control and cleanliness issues – but if they don’t, it can be dangerous. An infection trapped inside the scrotum can be life-threatening." I SAID LETTING GO!! I'm trying to let go, but once again, there's the scrotum popping up and making a mess out of everything. (Damn scrotum. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things down there.) But I would imagine that ANYTHING that is "trapped" inside of a "scrotum" would pose a challenge. Look, the male reproductive organ isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing or anything, so I can only imagine it looks like something straight out of an alien horror movie if it has testicles that look like bagels. (Yeah, that'll get you laid, fellas. You betcha.)

As if this wasn't bizarre enough, you can customize your head bagel! There are colors! Thank GOD I don't have any pictures of the colored Bagelheads. Mr. Larratt there says that "An interesting variation is using food colouring in the saline, which discolours the inflated tissue." Lovely. Discolored tissue. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Didn't gangrene discolor the tissue as well? Funny though, I don't remember it being so much of a "craze", really.

You know what Japan is? They're the Florida of Earth. After all, they're the same folks who gave us Hello Kitty. And now? This. The Bagelheads. I think I've made myself clear.

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Rachel Gets The Apple Phone Five

I've always wondered what it is that drives people to wait outside the Apple store before the launch of a new phone. OK, I understood it when the very first iPhone came out. That was something, I suppose. But come on. We're on the 5. AND there's the Internet that you can order it on AND have it delivered the SAME day that those dolts who are in line for days on end will receive theirs.  So why are they in line?  Well, meet Rachel.  Rachel is pure gold.  That's what Rachel is.  Rachel, doesn't seem to have any idea why she's waiting in line, other than she saw people waiting in line and decided to join in once she realized that it was for the "Apple Phone 5".  She thinks that the Internet is full of scams, that's why she chose the line over online ordering.  The thing that she really likes the most about Apple Phone 5?  It has an apple on it.  That's pretty cool, right?  And she heard that it was only $200, so that really has her excited.  And don't worry.  If it's more than $200, she has her credit card with her, so all will be good!  Look, I'm trying to paint the best picture that I can of this chick, but you really need to hear it from her.  The video is below.  Oh, and please don't overlook the fact that she's sitting in what appears to be some sort of leather recliner or something.  It's not a camping chair like you usually see.  No, she's sitting in something (with the world's largest purse, might I add) that looks like it belongs in my grandpa's living room. 

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This Is The Same, But A Little Better

I know that I briefly touched on this the other day, but Jon Stewart managed to better articulate my feelings about the ridiculous kids who are protesting school lunches. He probably wasn't as tired as I was when I was trying to rant. Either that or he has a boatload of staffers who can come up with this stuff for him and make him look all great and stuff. I have no staffers. And I get tired. So I guess that Jon Stewart is always going to win this one. But I do have better hair than he does. Probably.

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Many Other Ways To Get Drunk

Apparently, there's a new trend that has been hitting college campuses.  Well, at least one college campus.  But one is enough, really.  Look, this goes out to all young college students out there.  If you're thinking about getting drunk, just go ahead and do it the regular way.  If at any time getting drunk involves you shoving a hose up your butt and having your friends pour alcohol in said aforementioned hose, please shy away from that sort of activity.  It's not necessary to give yourself an alcohol enema if you want to catch a little buzz.  I swear.  

According to CNN a fraternity in Tennessee has been suspended after it was discovered that the way that a student ended up with a 0.40 blood alcohol content was when "...members of the fraternity were using rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol as the abundance of capillaries and blood vessels present greatly heightens the level and speed of the alcohol entering the bloodstream as it bypasses the filtering by the liver."  So they were basically doing a beer bong in their ass.  Brilliant.  And not normal. 

As I've previously mentioned, there are plenty of ways to get really drunk, really fast.  All of them that I may or may not have participated in when I was in college involved just the drinking  of the alcohol.  No one shoved anything up anyone's ass.  No one's butt had alcohol poured into it.  No, the alcohol was just consumed the old fashioned way via putting the liquid in the mouth of the individual who was desirous of a nice alcohol stupor.  It was a little repetitive, lifting the can or glass to one's mouth over and over, but it got the job done.  The most important part?  Nothing in the butt. 

Seriously, there are lots of great ways to get drunk.  I mean, Jello shots are just fun as can be. (Just stick with all the same color.  Otherwise, later on when you're puking them out, it's like someone is exorcising a clown from your stomach.)  Anything that doesn't involve anal insertion of any sort will work.  That's just not necessary.  Nor sophisticated.  It's "out only" down there.  And don't you forget it!

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Long Week

It's been a long week.  I know it's only Thursday, but my favorite radio morning show guys were suspended for two days for stupid (I mean stupid) reasons and so things just aren't the same.  I'm all out of whack.  They're supposed to be there to entertain me throughout my morning.  And they're just not.  They'll be back today, but it's been a hell of a couple of days without them.  So since I'm all discombobulated and verklempt, I don't have much for today.  But I did find this cutesy little video of a chick stringing together a bunch of "non-lyrics" from a bunch of songs and making a delightful little melody out of it.  I found it interesting.  And besides, it was between this or a piece about how Chinese beauty pageants now require that contestants have their nipples spaced at least 20 centimeters apart. And don't even get me started on the part where it also says that the distance that is between candidates' pupils needs to be 46 percent of the distance between their pupil and their ear. For reals. See why I went with the quirky little singer chick?  I thought so. 

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Feed Yourself

So there was this story over at " STYLE="text-decoration: none">The Blaze about this video that some high school students made to protest how "hungry" they were at school because school lunches just weren't filling them up. Now, I could go into detail about what the article says and what their main complaints are, but I think that I've summed it up quite nicely already. There's not much more to it than that. And that's why I can't help but feel like I'm missing something.

OK, so school lunches aren't enough to fill them up. The article even quotes one kids as saying that he grabbed a lunch from the school cafeteria consisting of two slices of pizza, grapes and milk and then he went to McDonald's because that wasn't enough. OK, that's fine and it brings me to my question. If the school lunches aren't enough, why in the world aren't these kids bringing their lunch from home? When did it become the government's responsibility to feed children? I thought that was the responsibility of the parents. What is the problem here?

Yes, I realize that there are people out there that need assistance with their purchasing of food. That's what we have food stamps for. I don't have a problem with that. But it seems to me that if you're being given government money to feed your family, that you should be able to feed your family. But that aside, I still don't understand why if the school lunches aren't enough, why they don't just bring their own and stop whining about it? Not as fun, perhaps? I guess it is hard to make a catchy video with the theme of "We're going to be responsible for ourselves and not complain when we're not taken care of by the government to our own liking."

I really don't get this, but I've included the video below anyway. I'm happy to listen to reasons why this should be an issue, by the way. I really just don't get it.

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Height Isn't A Plus Size

Well, Ralph Lauren is patting itself on the back for hiring their first "plus size" model.  Robyn Lawley is the name of the "plus size" woman who Ralph Lauren has chosen to represent them.  What's that?  Why is "plus size" in quotes?  It's almost as if I don't really mean it, huh?  Yeah, that's because I don't.  See, Lawley is 6-feet 2-inches tall and a (wait for it) size twelve.  Six-two and size twelve?!  In what universe is that a "plus size"?  Her height is more than that of the average female, I'll give them that.  But I don't think that they usually call tall women "plus size".  No, they just call them tall.  Let's take a look at this "plus size" model, shall we?  Here she is all be-scarfed and wearing a pair of riding boots.  You know, in order to appeal to that plug-size woman who is on the go on her horse.  Behold! 

She's a lovely gal.  Very poised.  Very attractive.  Smartly dressed (right down to the leather pair of OJ gloves that she's wearing).  She's lots of things.  But you know what she's not?  Plus size, that is correct!  Let's look at another outfitting of this behemoth.  Here she is without that bulky sweat that she's wearing above.  This should give us a better idea of how she looks when she isn't all padded up with extra layers.  Behold! 

Yeah, I'm still not seeing it.  In what universe is she considered to be a "plus size"?  Wait.  Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.  Maybe it's the clothes that she's wearing which are SO flattering that it makes her big ol' plus sized body seem, well, regular if not downright svelte.  I'm going to need a shot of her without so many clothes.  Hmmm...how about one with her just wearing some lingerie and sitting on an ottoman (which, I'm led to believe, might crumble beneath her burly frame)?  Oh, here's one! 

Ok, that settles it.  Ralph Lauren is completely confused as to what the term "plus size" refers to.  They're clearly only applying it to her height and as far as I know, that's not how these things work.  Calling her plus size is clearly a joke.  She's a lot of things and while all of them are attractive, not one of them is plus size.  If everyone out there who was plus size looked like her, Michelle Obama would wet herself at the fabulous shape our fine (but fat) nation has gotten itself into.  But that's not what the plus sized of America are looking like these days.  Have you seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?  Now there's some plus size (and then some) for you.

 

 

 

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Captured!

This is from a local-ish newspaper around here.  I feel safer already knowing there has been an arrest.  

 

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Born This Weight

So, Lady Gaga has a huge ass these days.  She said that she's gained around 25 pounds.  That seems about right.  And every single one of those pounds has gone straight to her ass.  Here's a comparison for you.  Here she was with a non-ass: 

Looks pretty good.  (Yes, I know the side boob is distracting.  But it was surprisingly difficult to find pictures of Lady Gaga NOT in some sort of weird getup and/or meat suit that showed her lower half.  This was the best I could do. Try and focus, though.  Think of the boob as a bonus! )  And here is the new and enlarged Lady Gaga with an ass the size of Kansas.  Behold! 

Holy cow.  It's like that's the only part of her body that store excess cells!  It's enormous!  And, as you can imagine, the entire world AND the Internet has noticed and has been commenting.  How did Gaga respond to all of this new-found criticism (that isn't likely to sell her more albums like the publicity which masquerades as criticism does)?  She took to the Twitter, of course, and churned out some faux Marilyn Monroe quote.  (Since when did Marilyn Monroe become Confucius?)  First, she went with this tweet: 

And then followed it up with this crap (that Marilyn Monroe did not say, by the way): 

(Before, I go on, I would like to point out that quotes like these, for some reason, seem to really appeal to people who are like hundreds of pounds overweight and use it to justify their current state of obesity.  I don't know why that is, but that's just what happens.  It's annoying.  And again, Marilyn Monroe did not say this.)  See, this is the problem that can occur when you make your living being mostly naked all of the time.  People know what you look like.  They know exactly what you look like.  And they're going to comment when your ass suddenly becomes worthy of its own zip code.  And really, if you're going to make your living by being scantily clothed and by having your act mainly consist of "Look how hot I am", then it's perfectly all right (in my never to be humble opinion) for people to comment on that just the same way that they commented on you before.  The only difference is that you liked the comments before.  Now that you don't like them, they're suddenly not OK.

Here's a thought:  Try putting on some clothes and not flaunting your body every chance you get.  That way, when you do (inevitably) put on a little weight, people won't be so quick to jump all over you.  (And really, looking like she does currently, having anyone jump on her at all isn't likely to happen any time soon.)  They might not even notice.  (OK, granted, in this case that's hard to imagine.  But it could happen in other instances.  Perhaps.)  But to get your shorts all in a wad because people are still focusing on your body (just the way that you wanted them to when you were hot) when you're a little larger is incredibly hypocritical.  And clueless. 

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Yes Or No

This is the kind of coverage that we're getting for the presidential election.  Grand.  No wonder so many people are just morons.  I'm not sure what depresses me more.  The fact that the question doesn't even make any sense or the fact that 66 people went ahead and answered it anyway!  I think that it's all of the answering that went on.  The public is stupid.  Those 66 people are the poster children for that stupidity.  Doomed.  We're just doomed. 

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