Take The Money

Well, folks, if you were hoping to get your hands on Elvis Presley's personal bible (for the low, low price of only $94,600), I'm sorry to say that you're out of luck as it has already been sold at an auction that took place over the weekend.  But if you're still in the market for, say, a pair of the King's soiled underwear, you're in luck!  Wait.  What was that? 

You read me right.  For some reason, someone thought that it would be a good idea to auction off the slightly stained tightie whities that used to belong to and be worn by Elvis Presley.  They were apparently worn underneath his jumpsuit during a 1977 concert.  So, they were worn by fat Elvis.  This is the same fat Elvis who died on the toilet whilst straining at stool.  Thus, it's probably no wonder that they're slightly tainted.  Who would want these?  Would you?!  Behold! 

Yipes.  No thanks.  And not to get too graphic, but since we can all see them, I guess I'll just mention that they're stained in the front.  What in the world was he doing in there?  Apparently, there was a reserve price on Elvis' undies of around $11,000, but bidding only reached $8,000 so they didn't sell.  Didn't sell?!  For eight grand?!  Look, if you have stained underwear on the auction block and someone out there is willing to give you eight thousand dollars for said stained underwear (which, let's face it, may or may not actually have been worn and soiled by Elvis), you know what you do if the top amount doesn't meet your reserve price?  You take it!  That's what you do!  You realize that you're getting eight thousand dollars for a pair of grossly soiled underwear that may or may not have actually been worn by fat Elvis and you take the money! Who is out there holding out for the extra three grand?  Why do they have fat Elvis' underwear in the first place?  Why are they soiled?  So, SO many questions.  And none of them overly interesting, really.  But I still think that holding out for more money when you're selling soiled underwear (regardless as to who may or may not have owned them) is a bad plan.  Bad, bad plan. 

 

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What Was That, Tom?

I had heard that Tom Brokaw went to the emergency room the other day because he wasn't feeling all that great after an appearance on Morning Joe.  I wouldn't have felt so good either if I had to appear on that show with that airheaded twit Mika Brzezinski.  And then I heard later on that he said that he "accidentally" took half of an Ambien and that made him just a tad loopy.  OK, that's fine, I suppose.  Everyone makes mistakes.  But I didn't realize that there was video/audio of this ordeal!  And there IS!  And it's spectacular.  Please ignore the title of the video that some dope labeled "Tom Brokaw Clearly Drunk".  He's clearly not drunk.  Oh, there's something wrong all right, but it's obvious to me anyway (as someone who has been drunk on more than one occasion) that he's not drunk.  Behold! 

In case you didn't catch all of that, here's a transcript:  "There was a party at the top of the hotel yesterday that has a very sleek, modern hotel and the glass is not exactly clear in terms of where you walk from where you step next.  So, Bob, the former Secretary of the Treasury has a lot of (Fail acts?  Phalanx?  Hard to tell what he says here.) people around him.  He stepped confidently into the party room and deeply into the pool."  Uh, yeah.  That doesn't make any sense, Tom.  I'm glad that it was just a misplaced Ambien and not something more serious.  I like Tom Brokaw.  I don't particularly care for him all hopped up on sleep aids, but regular Tom Brokaw, I like. 

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We've Heard It All Before

This is a pretty good don't-vote-for-President-Barry-again ad.  I'm not quite sure why I've only seen this online and not on actual TV, but maybe that's how we're doing things these days.  Mitt needs more stuff like this.  It speaks for itself.  And that's more than Mitt has been doing these days.  He won't talk about certain things and I get that.  (I almost appreciate it.  Seriously, I don't think I can stand another debate over birth control.  And I'm a chick.)  But he needs to make some better points.  He's boring.  Not that this commercial is exciting, but at least you pay attention to it.  (I think that's because you never see or hear Mitt Romney.  All you see and hear is President Barry.  People still care what he has to say.  Mitt Romney?  Not so much.)

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Bad Lip Reading Joe Biden Style

The folks over yonder at Bad Lip Reading do a heck of a job.  And they've really outdone themselves this time.  Here we have a bad lip reading of Joe Biden.  Now, it's not just what they interpret ol' Joe to be saying, it's the way that they say it.  They make it sound like he's a big dope.  And whether or not that's completely accurate or even partly accurate isn't the point.  The point is that it makes it funnier when they have him say something like "That's a pancake!" as he points to the back of a motorcycle.  Behold! 

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Ragu Will Fix That

I've seen a lot of different ways that products try to sell themselves, but I don't think that I've ever seen a spaghetti self try and sell itself through the trauma of a child walking in on his parents as they're doing it.  That's right.  Ragu spaghetti sauce decided that it would be great to see a young boy, probably around 8 or 9 or 10 or something (I'm not really very good at guessing ages), coming home and yelling for his mom about something and then walking into a room with the door shut and having a horrified look wash over his face.  Then kid then does an about face and walks off to contemplate a life that is much different than the one he knew merely seconds beforehand.  And at the end, they do exactly what you're supposed to do in that sort of horrific situation.  You give the kid some Ragu sauce and everything works out just fine, naturally.  Spaghetti sauce instead of therapy!  Bring it on!  It's just weird.  I'm telling you, it's weird.  See for yourself.  Behold!

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Welcome Home, Ah-Ah

I found this to be pretty cool.  I guess that there's this kid and when he was a baby, he got a blue stuffed monkey that he named Ah-Ah.  Ah-Ah went everywhere and did everything with him.  Then Ah-Ah got lost on a camping trip and naturally, the kid was devastated.  So, get this:  Three years later, the kid's mom is on eBay and decides on a whim to search for 'blue monkey'.  Guess what came up in the results?  A blue monkey that didn't just look like Ah-Ah.  It WAS Ah-Ah.  The very same monkey that he lost when he was camping three years before.  Somehow, the monkey had found its way to Florida and onto the Internet.  So here's the story of how Ah-Ah came home.  It's fairly touching.   (And if you're skeptical that this really went down this way, I did a little looking and found the posting on eBay here.)

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Fry Up Some Fat For The Fair

I was having a hard time coming up with something to post for today.  Yeah, yeah.  I could have said something about the Democratic National Convention, but I just didn't have it in me.  They're awfully proud of their own act.  I only watched Michelle's speech and one other guy's, but it was enough for me for one night.  Thus, I started searching the Internet for drivel.  And I came across fried food from state fairs.  I know what you're thinking.  It's the typical stuff that used to be sooooo outrageous at one point, but has become just grossly mundane.  And I would agree with that assessment...until I came upon something from the Iowa State Fair.  They've really taken this theme of American obesity and totally run with it.  I present to you, courtesy of the deep fat fryers at the Iowa State Fair, a deep-fried (wait for it) stick (Yes!  An entire stick!) of butter.  Behold! 

Oh, God.  I think I'm gonna hurl.  And that chick has two of them?!  Oh, if you're wondering what that goo stuff is on the outside of it, that would be a glaze.  You know, like you find on cinnamon rolls.  Because if there's one thing that a deep-fried stick of butter would need, it's a little frosting.  I looked up the "nutritional" information for a stick of butter and what I learned sickened me.  The thing has 810 calories.  That's bad enough.  But it also has (brace yourselves) 91.65 grams of fat.  That's 141% of the maximum recommended fat intake for one day.  And I should mention that 58.046 of those grams are saturated fat.  That's only 290% of your maximum recommended saturated fat intake per day.  So you're consuming about three days worth of fat by eating one deep fried stick of butter.  The good news for the woman above is that one stick is 56% of her daily needed Vitamin A intake.  So after she scarfs down both of those piping hot tubes of lard, she'll be good to go in the Vitamin A department.  She'll also be good to go in the coronary attack department.  (That's obviously in the not so good category.)

 And look, I realize that a lot of these deep-fried fair foods are not something that people eat every day.  But I still can't condone eating a stick of butter that has been fried in fat.  That can't be good for you at all.  Not even once.  And in the case of the woman above, not even twice. 

 

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He Hates What Now?

Hank Williams Jr is at it again!  He's moved on from the Iowa State Fair or wherever he was when he went off on his last anti-President Barry tirade and is now spouting his message from the Stockyards Music Festival in Texas.  He's added a few elements to his loud and unsubstantiated rhetoric, so let's take a closer look at what he's upset at this time. 

He started out with what would appear to be his go-to accusation of President Barry being a secret Muslim.  From there is just gets weirder.  He said, "We’ve got a Muslim for a President who hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!” Wait.  He hates what now? 

He hates fishing?  How do we know that President Barry hates fishing?  Why would he hate fishing?  It's fishing.  I thought that the only ones who hated fishing were the fish.  And since when is that ever anyone's go-to argument when they disagree with someone?  ("Oh, yeah?!  Well...well...YOU hate fishing!"  Yeah, that sounds ridiculous.) 

He mentioned last time that he was under the impression that he hated farming, so that one isn't a surprise.  I guess maybe he threw in that he hates the cowboys and the cowgirls because he hates farming?  No, that can't be right because cowboys are on ranches, not farms.  Hmmm.  OK, so I'm not sure where that comes from.  (Oh, wait.  I do know where that comes from.  It comes from Hank Williams Jr's crazy brain, which seems to be riddled with syphilis at this point.) 

The thing that really amuses me the most about all of this is that I'm pretty sure that Romney isn't running on the "I love cowboys" platform.  He's not going around saying "Let's fish!"  So what is Hank Jr's dealio do you think?  I think he's just clearly lost his mind  Maybe because of syphilis.  We don't know for sure.  It's just one possibility that's out there.  But I'm going to say the same thing that I said last time he lost his mind and started spouting a bunch of awesomely crazy stuff.  People of Fort Worth who were at this concert, I'm pleading with you.  If you have video of this tirade, please, please, please upload it somewhere on the Internet.  I need audio of his ramblings!   That would be absolutely fantastic to actually hear him shriek this stuff!  And while I would love to be able to post it in this forum for you (hint, hint), I just want to see it.  Just upload it somewhere so that I can hear the glorious rantings of a crazy man.  Don't be like Iowa, people of Fort Worth.  In this day and age, I know that someone took video of this.  I know it's out there.  Cough it up, Mac. 

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Awesomely Bad Tattoos

I love bad tattoos.  I really, really love them.  Not on me, of course, but on other people.  For me, they stand as markers of stupidity.  I know that when I see one in the wild, that the person sporting it is probably someone to be avoided.  In that sense, they serve the same purpose as ear gauges and so many facial piercings that the face looks like a tackle box.  Well, the fine folks over at Live Leak have put up a video with 200, yes, 200 really bad tattoos.  The asininity of it all is simply glorious.  But don't just take my word for it.  See for yourself.  Behold! (And if the video doesn't load, by all means, please click here.)

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I Don't Think That Means What YOu Think It Means

What we have here, according to the LA Times, is a story about a bunch of coal miners in Ohio who say that they were forced to attend a rally for Mitt Romney.  Now, the rally was on the 14th of August, so I'm not sure why we're just now hearing about this.  I can have a really hard time giving half a crap about things when I'm hearing about them over two weeks later.  You gotta stay current!  But that's what they say happened and now it's being looked into. 

Here's what it was about this story that caught my attention.  The article states: "Asked by WWVA radio’s (David) Blomquist about the allegations on Monday’s show, Murray (Energy's) chief operating officer Robert Moore said: “Attendance was mandatory but no one was forced to attend the event.”  Wait.  What now? 

Sooooo...it was mandatory, but that doesn't mean that anyone was "forced" to attend.  Um, I don't think that "mandatory" means what he thinks it means.  I certainly don't think that he knows that mandatory means mandatory.  And look, we could quibble about the definition of what "forced" really means, but that would be silly.  We know that they weren't "forced" at the point of a gun to attend the rally.  But I'm fairly certain that the company has an expectation of what the protocol is for a "mandatory" event and I'm guessing that it doesn't involve not showing up.  Now, if you don't want to say that could be called "force", I suppose you can go that way with it.  But I think we all know what they meant. 

I wonder if the tool bucket who said that realizes how ridiculous that actually sounded.  "Oh, it was mandatory, but we didn't make anyone go."  Uh, I think that by calling it "mandatory" in the first place was all you needed to do to "make" people go. This sounds to me like there was a little more to it and that they were, in fact, really forced to go to a political rally whether they supported that candidate or not.  (I couldn't imagine having to go to a political rally at all, even if I technically supported the candidate at said rally.  I say "technically" because I'm pretty much fed up with all of them right about now and can't seriously imagine supporting anyone more than half-assedly.)

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