I Can't Say What?

It's happened again. You'd think that by this point, we'd be past this sort of thing. But apparently we're not. Well, we are. They are not. And by 'they' I mean those who are self appointed members of the Politically Correct Word Police. 'Pinheads' would be another acceptable term.

It would seem that some folks over in the UK are extremely concerned about things that 'might' happen. Now, there are lots of things that 'might' happen. That does not mean anything as far as how likely they are to actually happen. For example, monkeys might fly out of my arse. That does not mean it's going to happen. But it might! (In case you're wondering, I'm guessing it would have to involve some sort of a mishap with some Sea Monkeys, but that's all I've got.)

One of the things that a bunch of "taxpayer funded organizations" are concerned that might happen is that some folks may be offended by words or terms or sayings that have the potential to offend. Now, I'm not real big on the notion of 'potential'. (Obviously!) And especially when it comes to banning speech due to the "potential" for "offense". From what I can tell, there are very few things that actually offend others. There are people who like to claim that they're offended, but they're really just being a pain in the ass under the guise of offense. That's why I'd like to recommend that before folks run off and start creating this mythical Utopian society that they have in mind, they really stop and think about what it is that they're suggesting happen.

As far as the words or terms that might be offensive, some examples of this, according to the Times Online, would be "The Northern Ireland Human Rights Commission has advised staff to replace the phrase “black day” with “miserable day." Oh, for cryin' out loud. What?

They claim that "...certain words carry with them a “hierarchical valuation of skin colour”." The term "black day" is one of those words? Allegedly? Why, yees! And..."The commission even urges employees to be mindful of the term “ethnic minority” because it can imply “something smaller and less important”. " Um, what now?

It can imply? Under what circumstances can it imply that something is smaller and "less important"? I find that almost laughable as in the United States, the term "ethnic minority" often connotates exactly the opposite of something "smaller and less important". But I digress. Back to the Word Police.

Terms believed to be offensive to those over at The National Gallery in London include “gentleman’s agreement” (potentially offensive to women) and “right-hand man” (again, potentially offensive to women). Those softheads suggest replacing the potentially offensive terms (that may not have offended anyone ever since the beginning of time) with “unwritten agreement” or “an agreement based on trust” for the former and “second in command” being deemed more suitable for the latter. :::: sigh ::::

For some reason the Word Police is extremely fixated on any word that might have any connection to any sort of slavery. For example, the Learning and Skills Council "...wants staff to “perfect” their brief rather than “master” it." Right. Because that would be offensive to....who? Slaves? I don't think there are any slaves these days. If to "master ones brief" was to be offensive, it would have to denote that the person was making the brief itself do the work. Actually, it's the other way around. It's the anti-master is what it is! What about the game Master Mind? Are we supposed to change that to "Perfect Mind"? I don't think we are. I know I'm not!

div align="justify">Over at the South West Regional Development Agency, they are able to admit that the terms that are "potentially offensive" have nothing to do with the part that would be offensive (if anyone were actually offended by it, which I doubt they are). They say “Terms such as ‘black sheep of the family’, ‘black looks’ and ‘black mark’ have no direct link to skin colour but potentially serve to reinforce a negative view of all things black." So what should we use in their place? Dark? The dark sheep of the family? Dark mark? (Oh, please. No politically correct rhyming or I might just have to hang myself.)

I almost went over the edge when I read that "Newcastle University has singled out the phrase “master bedroom” as being problematic." ::: blink::: :::: blink :::: That is the perfect example of someone just out to be an ass. And doing a fine job of it as well, might I add.

Over there at AOL News in an article on the same subject, a one Anthony Horowitz tries to talk some sense into people by explaining, "...our modern language is based on traditions which have now gone but it would be silly — and extremely inconvenient — to replace them all. We know what these phrases mean....Banning them is just unnecessary." Yes! It would be silly to replace them all! Who can argue with that?! Anyone?! Oh, crap. This chick can. And does.

A one Rosalie Maggio argues that she "...sees nothing wrong with finding alternatives to these troublesome phrases." And I agree with that. But I don't agree that the phrase "gentleman's agreement" is troublesome in the least bit! This woman is the author of something called 'The Dictionary of Bias-Free Usage' and 'The Nonsexist Word Finder,' just in case you were wondering where she was coming from. Her identity is the Word Police! She says "A 'fireman' could be a guy on a train. 'Firefighter' tells you -- it's an action verb. ... It tells you what they do. A mail carrier carries mail. A firefighter fights fires." What now?

A fireman could be a guy on a train? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Does it mean he's any less of a firefighter? Or is she talking about the guy on the train being literally on fire? Man, this chick must be a blast at parties! Are you kidding me?! But wait! She's not going to tell you what you should be saying. She claims that, "People can use whatever words they choose, but there's no reason to fall back on ones that carry "unintended baggage." Like what? Bellhop?

Ms. Maggio also mentioned that in the United States during the 1980s, folks "... argued over words such as "snowperson" and "personhole"." OK, stop. Stop. Stop. STOP!!! What. The. Hell?!?!

Personhole? WTF is a personhole? (If I was in charge of this, Ms. Maggio would be my definition of personhole. Nice job, personhole!) Seriously? Like...as a replacement for manhole?? You have got to be kidding. First of all, if I ever hear anyone use the term 'personhole', I might have to punch them. No, I will have to punch them. Second, I cannot think of one woman I have ever met in my entire life (and there have been several!) who would have been offended by the word manhole.

I feel the need to make a suggestion to all involved in the Word Policing of societies. I'm going to strongly suggest that you take up a hobby. Perhaps get yourself a pocketknife and learn to whittle. Buy a banjo and pluck out some of the classics. Anything. Anything to keep you from nitpicking the English language to death.

But here's the perfect example of just how stupid (yes, stupid) this whole thing is and how there is the potential for everyone to be offended by everything and you can't go around banning certain words for fear of offending one soft-headed moron. (Why can't they just toughen up is my question.)

A one Christopher Cerf recalled "...a Long Island feminist in the 1970s who tried to change her name from Ellen Donna Cooperman to Ellen Donna Cooperperson." (I'm assuming Ellen Donna Imadumbass was taken?) "...she's a better person for it. Except that she forgot that 'person' has the word 'son' in it." Bravo, sir. Bra-VO.

What other words can we get rid of because they might offend people? Let's not limit it to just gender, for cryin' out loud!

What about 'handsome'? Could be offensive to amputees.

What are we supposed to do about the 'best man'? Best person? I don't think so.

Therapist? Offensive to rapists?

Manslaughter? You folks really want to go with 'personslaughter'? I don't think you do. Besides that, it could be offensive to depressed people. Mans laughter? Ahhhh...see?

Calling someone "a chicken"? Offensive to poultry.

Oooh...Headmaster! Offensive to both slaves and people without heads!

Sightseeing? Offensive to blind people.

See how silly the whole thing is? Well, it's silly all right, but I'm about to make it sillier. One of the nitpicky language usage books that Ms. Maggio has authored is titled "How to Say It" and it does just that; instructs the reader of the most acceptable (according to her) ways of composing various types of letters (ie, acceptance, complaints, responses, etc.). She goes very far out of her way to include every sort of name possibly imaginable, presumably so that there is no ethnic stereotyping or gender stereotyping in the responses. But this woman takes it to the extreme. Behold! Extreme political correctness. Or something.

Mr. and Mrs. Masterson Finbury

Chang Ch'un Meditation Center

Anders

Selina

Vickers

Shreve

Penrod

Dr. Cheesewright (wtf?)

Mr. Van Druten

William Portlaw and Alida Ascott

Marion and Leopold

Nguyen Van Troy and Tran Houng Lang

Edna Bunthorne

Gabriel Bagradian

Leon Gonsalez

Chuzzlewit, Ltd.

Uncle Thorkell (what?)

Rabbi Wasserman

Mr. Brimblecombe

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What a Pile of Cockney

When I use an ATM, I just want to get my cash and be done. I don't need anything other that just the ATM chock full o' cash, ready to dispense upon my command. That's it. I don't want the ATM to play music when I put my card in or make me a hot drink. I just want my money. That's it. Oh, and I also want to be able to understand what in the hell the machine is asking of me when I read the screen. Especially if it's in a language that, technically, I do speak AND understand.

See, it would seem that there is a version of English which is used over there across the pond in the UK known as Cockney or Cockney rhyming slang. It's an odd variation on regular English (you know, the kind with words and phrases where you know what the other person is actually talking about) where words are replaced by short rhyming phrases.

Now, the definitive origins of this are unknown, but it's said to have ..."originated in East London so that Eastenders could talk freely to each other without fear of being overheard, especially by law enforcers." That according to The Daily Mail So basically it was a code used by those who may have dabbled in that which was untoward. Or just illegal. The verbal ancient ancestor of texting. Lovely.

I think of slang as something that is catchy, easy to remember, and usually easier or shorter than the non-slang term. Cockney rhyming slang takes all of that conventional wisdom and throws it right on out the proverbial window and seems to be intent on being so ridiculously complicated that it makes no sense no matter which way you look at it. Unless you know what you're looking at and I don't know how you're ever going to want to get to that point.

Cockney slang takes individual words and replaces them with short phrases. Short phrases that rhyme with the word. Sort of. First, when I say "short phrases", "short" is only in comparison with other phrases that are longer, as you are substituting more words in the case of Cockney slang. And when I say that they sort of rhyme, I mean that at least one of the words in the short phrase that is used rhymes or kind of rhymes with the word that the phrase was substituted for. Sound confusing? I'm just getting started.

For example, and this from the site Phrespirit.info the word baby would be "basin of gravy" in Cockney. What?! Basin of gravy? See what I mean by kind of rhymes?! The word banana? That'd be "Gertie Gitana" in Cockney. The word money has more than one Cockney variation. It can be "bees and honey", "bread and honey", "sugar and honey" or "Bugs Bunny". So basically if you hear something about honey or a rabbit, it's money. Don't ask.

One that I just can't wrap my head around is "bottle of sauce" for "horse". What?! The?! Hell?! And for some reason, there are EIGHT Cockney variations for the word "hemorrhoids", which the folks in the UK call "piles". "Chalfont St. Giles", "Farmer Giles", "Duke of Argyles", "Emma Freuds", "metric miles", "nobby stiles", "Nuremberg trials", and "sieg heils". Holy canoli! There are some pretty serious subliminal issues going on with the Cockney slang-ers and their 'roids. They have managed to associate the swelling and inflammation of veins in the rectum and anus with a Saint, a farmer, a duke, Sigmund Freud, the metric system, Nuremberg, and the Hitler salute. Good Lord, people! Therapy! THER-A-PY!

Now take this whimsical version of language and infuse it into the everyday workings of an ATM machine. According to the Times Online, a company called "Bank Machine, which runs 2,500 ATMs across the country...hopes that ATMs will serve to keep (several) dialects alive in Britain." According to the managing director of Bank Machine, a one Ron Delnevo, "We wanted to introduce something fun and of local interest to our London machines. Whilst we expect some residents will visit the machine to just have a butcher's, most will be genuinely pleased as this is the first time a financial services provider will have recognised the Cockney language in such a manner." (The term "butcher's" is supposed to refer to a butcher's hook and in Cockney means 'look'. This makes less and less sense as it goes along, I realize that, but I'm almost through.) Here's what you have to look forward to if you select "Cockney slang" instead of "English":

Instead of your PIN, you'll be asked for your Huckleberry Finn.

It will tell you that it is 'readin' your bladder of lard’ instead of reading your card.

The opening screen will ask you if you'd like ‘some moolah for ya sky rocket’ (some cash for your pocket) or 'Ya rattle & tank balance' (your bank balance). (OK, it seems like they're kind of stretching it with these two. They couldn't just have said "moolah"? I think they could have. And what's with the 'Ya'? Stretching it.)

And if you're checking that rattle & tank balance, you can have that information given to you on the Charlie Sheen (on the screen) or on fleet street (on a receipt).

Quick ‘sausage and mash’ won't curb your hunger, but it will give you Quick Cash.

And your 'bees and honey' (money) can be dispensed as a speckled hen (£10), a score (£20), a pony (£25), a ton (£100) and/or a monkey (£500). If you choose the Fast Sausage and Mash you'll also be able to select if you'd like a horn of plenty (£20), a dirty (£30), or a double top (£40).

But look at how ridiculous this is:

So, they'll call the receipt 'fleet street' on the one side of the screen, but then they'll just call it a regular ol' receipt on the other side of the screen. Why so? How come I can't have my sausage and mash on fleet street?

I don't really know how much this is going to influence whether or not the Cockney rhyming slang goes wayward or not. It's not an intuitive language where you can kind of figure out what something means by what it sounds like. No, this is the equivalent of combining Pig Latin with Klingon. And who's in charge of deciding which rhyming phrases go with which words? What if I don't like "bees and honey" as the Cockney slang for money? What if I want it to be "Jesus, I'm funny" instead? Are swear words allowed? Why eight words for hemorrhoids? What's Cockney rhyming slang for Cockney?

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Batty Employees

You might not agree with stuff that your boss tells you about your job performance. And if that's the case, really the best thing you can do for yourself in that situation is anything that doesn't validate what it is that your boss claims to be true. For example, if your boss claims you're always late? Don't be late, that is correct. If your boss claims you don't work on the Penske account? Work on the Penske account, that is also correct. If your boss claims that you have poor job performance? Beat him senseless with an aluminum baseball bat, that is....wait. What now?

Yes, it would seem that in New Haven, CT at the Wal-Mart store, a one 26-year old Barry Griffin had been "...reprimanded for the second time in a few days" by the assistant manager, a one 29-year old George Freibott. That according to the New Haven Register. It would seem that Mr. Freibott wrote Mr. Griffin up for "poor job performance". Mr. Griffin, apparently completely befuddled as to where such an allegation would come into play, was "...captured on the store’s security system...grabbing a bat from a display rack in the sporting goods section." (I'm guessing that if there wasn't a valid basis for the "poor job performance" prior to that point, there was going to be one shortly afterwards!)

So allegedly, after being told of his alleged "poor job performance" and "grabbing a bat" (allegedly) the same security footage showed Mr. Griffin "...finding Freibott in the toy area of the store" where he then engaged in a few rounds of "Human Pinata" as he began beating Mr. Freibott, striking him no less than a dozen times while in the aisle of the toy department. Allegedly.

Wow. Talk about your mood swings. (I'll be here all week.)

And as if it bears any relevance to the events at all, the article also noted that "An employee told police Griffin appeared to be in good spirits earlier during the shift, but his mood turned." Really? He didn't spend his entire shift beating the man with a bat? No kidding "his mood turned." Go figure. Do you think it might have had anything at all to do with being written up for poor job performance? Allegedly? Do you think that might have been the cause of all of the alleged mood turning? I'm guessing it had something to do with it. I'm also guessing that the fact that Mr. Griffin seems to have anger management issues had even more to do with it than being written up.

Said assumed anger management issues would appear to be documented through court records which show "a 2007 conviction for third-degree assault" for which he "received a suspended sentence." And there is also "...a pending assault case in Superior Court in Meriden, according to a judicial database." Surprise. Well, his assault trifecta is now complete as he will be charged with first-degree assault and breach of peace just as soon as they can find him. He apparently fled before police arrived. That's going to make going back for his last check a little awkward I'd imagine. I wonder if the other aspects of this man's life are as ironic as this incident. Ironic and assault-y. Allegedly.

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I Heart Protest Signs

I am loving, repeat, love-ing the protests that have been occurring recently. And while watching people exercise their right to peaceably assemble is great and all, there is the factor that far exceeds the necessary confines of the US Constitution which makes me nearly giddy with joy. That would be the amusement factor and it comes to us in these protests via the protest sign.

I've said before that, with regard to the health care protests, the majority of the signs display correct punctuation and spelling. Let's just say that at protests which are protesting something other than health care reform, the need for some sort of a magical poster board with built-in spell check is painfully obvious.

But the signs are now starting to go down a couple of different paths. The first path is the "Path of the Irrelevant and/or Hilarious". Folks have realized that all of those tubes and pipes and wires and stuff that make up the Internets can offer a clear and easy path toward their fifteen minutes of fame (which, given the state of society lately, will almost inevitably lead to a book deal for the sign bearer). The only way that it could be any easier is if they were a cute little kitten with poor grammar skills. So while there are still plenty of the serious and grammatically correct protest signs, there are also signs like these popping up:

Crystal Pepsi? No, that doesn't sound gay at all.

But the other path that folks are taking these days is the "Path of Anger and/or Hitler References". Generally, these signs are proudly displayed by morons. If they're not a complete moron, then they're simply not quite as informed as they think that they are. (I'm just trying to be fair here. It's likely they're all morons.) And while I'm not defending Hitler (I'm NOT!), I'm really over all of the Hitler references.

Look, by comparing Obama to Hitler, you're doing a couple of things. One is that you're making yourself look like a nutjob. But the other thing that you're doing is you are minimizing the atrocities that Hitler committed. Think about it. You are likening health care reform to the human extermination of millions of Jews during W.W. II? Really? I don't see how the two are similar at all. Not even the slightest bit. Health care reform. Holocaust. They both start with the letter "h", but that's alI can give you. They're not the same.

My contribution toward getting folks to shy away from the Hitler references is going to be to start referring to that little moustache (people draw on pictures of President Barry) as "The Chaplin". Why does Hitler get all of the credit for that little 'stache? Charlie Chaplin had one. Lou Costello had one. Let's not group two of the finest entertainers to walk the planet with the likes of Adolf Hitler, shall we?

And I've been seeing quite a few signs that are Hitler-esque in nature and I wondered how come people who protested against things that George W. Bush did chose not to go with the Hitler comparison? That's when I learned that they did.

They did?! Really?! How come I never heard about them? The cable newsholes are all up in arms about the President Barry is Adolf Hitler signs, why weren't the newsholes up in arms about the G.W. is A.H. signs? Or any of the other ones like the ones below? Behold!

The easiest answer, the one that I really don't want to be true, is that there is an unhealthy amount of media bias which is in favor of President Barry. For instance, when these posters of President Barry as The Joker started popping up in Los Angeles, I didn't see what the big deal was. I still don't. (It's not as if there aren't hundreds of Photoshopped images of President Barry online. I don't hear the uproar about those, however.) But man, were media newsholes up in arms about them! People threatening to do...uh, something (probably loudly). I don't know. All I know is that I had to hear about it. Then I became aware of this which appeared in Vanity Fair on July 29, 2008. Just remember, it was 2008. Plenty of people hated him at the time. Behold!

Hey! How come I never heard any uproar about that?! Oh, that's right. For the reason I just mentioned. Plenty of people already hated him. No sense in getting in an uproar when something fits your narrative now, is there? So the point here is that the media will report things that it has decided will be inflammatory in the eyes of the viewer. They're not interested in doing their job, they're interested in ratings. You'll hear about it if they think you'll be outraged, otherwise, not so much.

I'm not quite sure how I ended up here with all of this. Oh, right! The signs. I love 'em. They're great. And kudos to the guys who are just having fun with the whole thing.

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