Fakeroversy In The Governor's Race

It must be tough when you're running for governor and you have no idea what you're doing, so you figure that, since every candidate needs to start some sort of a scandal against their opponent, you'll just do that and see how it goes. While I don't recommend that approach, if you're going to take that route, might I suggest coming up with a scandal that people would give a fat rat's ass about? Acting all indignant because someone referred to you as a whore is really not going to do much to help you. It will be great fun for those who enjoy mocking you, however.

See, Meg Whitman is running for governor of California. For some reason, her being at the helm when eBay kind of rode itself to its own success is supposed to give her some sort of credibility as the Republican candidate. Well, that and the $140 million of her own money that she has poured into her campaign to get the nomination. (Apparently, she thinks the governor's seat is some sort of Buy It Now dealio.) And lately, she's been rocked by allegations of a former housekeeper that she...um...well....it's not real clear to me exactly what it is that she's being accused of doing. It might be that she didn't treat the hired help all that well, but I'm not totally sure about this. The fact that her ex-housekeeper was in this country illegally, used a fake Social Security number while Meg employed her and was then fired when Meg found out somehow plays a part in all of this, but again, I'm not quite sure how. It's definitely a fakeroversy (fake controversy), but I still have trouble grasping all of the straws that it contains.

Now, after that became the hooplah du jour (complete with Gloria Allred, the world's most awful human being, at the housekeeper's helm), Meg's campaign needed to have someone on her opponent, Jerry Brown. What did they come up with? I guess they had a hard time coming up with anything of substance because apparently, one of his staffers referred to her as a whore, so that's what they went with. Wait. What?

Yep. According to ABC News, Jerry Brown "...left a phone message in early September for a union official whose endorsement he was seeking, but apparently forgot to hang up...And either Brown or a staffer -- there is some dispute -- uses the word "whore" to describe his Republican rival Meg Whitman." Hmm. How about a little context to go with all of that nothing-ness there?

OK. The first part of the conversation that Brown has with one of his staffers after he thought that he had hung up goes something along the lines of Brown saying: "Do we want to put an ad out? … That I have been warned if I crack down on pensions, I will be – that they'll go to Whitman, and that's where they'll go because they know Whitman will give 'em, will cut them a deal, but I won't." So what he's saying (behind closed doors and totally off the record, as he didn't know that he didn't hang up) is that he's not going to cut a deal with the unions, but Whitman is, despite her saying publicly that she's not beholden to any group.

It's after that question that the staffer (or someone else) says, "What about saying she's a whore?" That's quite the idea. Call your opponent a whore in your ads. I don't know that I think it's the most politically savvy move, but Jerry Brown seemed to love it, as he responded, "Well, I'm going to use that...It proves you've cut a secret deal to protect the pensions." I don't know if calling her a whore would prove that, per se. But it would show that you're not afraid to call someone a whore!

Once Whitman's side became aware of this colorful depiction of her, they immediately issued a pansy-ass response. "The use of the term 'whore' is an insult to both Meg Whitman and to the women of California. This is an appalling and unforgivable smear against Meg Whitman. At the very least Mr. Brown tacitly approved this despicable slur and he himself may have used the term at least once on this recording,"

Really? It's an insult to the women of California? How is that? I'm a woman of California and I'm not insulted by Jerry Brown's staffers calling Meg Whitman a whore. It's hard to say if I'd be insulted if they called me a whore. Then again, I don't get insulted easily. That's a weak response. You know what would have been a better response? To DENY that you're acting like a whore by being in bed with the unions and promising them deals in exchange for their endorsements. Now THAT would have been something!

Did she dispute the essence of why they were calling her a whore? Not that I can find. No, she just decided to take the "You hurt my feelings" angle on it. And that seems to be how this is being reported. Why is it that we're focusing on the alleged name calling instead of the fact that she seems to be cutting back room deals with unions? Why aren't we focusing on the fact that Jerry Brown said in private (or what he thought was private) that he wasn't going to make deals with the unions? For him to have said that in private seems to lend credibility to him really meaning that. After all, why would you say something like that if you didn't mean it? It's not like you knew the whole world was going to hear you. It seems pretty credible to me.

But no. Instead, Meg Whitman wants to us to be all up in arms that Jerry Brown's staffer called her a whore. Well, I'm putting down my arms, as they are not up. This is ridiculous. Her allegedly cutting deals with the unions in order to win their support is the real story here. But she's not mentioning that. She's just whining about being called a whore. And by the way, if she is cutting back room deals with the unions in exchange for their support, then she absolutely is a whore. A big, big whore. Whore.

You know, if she can't handle being called a name, I'm not real confident in her ability to lead this ridiculously corrupt state out of the s***hole that it has been in for years. And if she's being a sneaky weasel and saying one thing to the public, but doing another thing in private, I'm absolutely positive that she won't be able to get anything done. Please don't take this as an endorsement for Jerry Brown, however. While the real story might be whether or not she is actually cutting deals, I think that the secondary story might be that Jerry Brown can't figure out how to hang up his phone after leaving a message. It doesn't do much to distract folks from the fact that he's a little old.

Sphere: Related Content

The Other Women Want Apologies

Now, I expected that there would be a little bit of talk from folks after Tiger Woods's apology. Mostly I figured that it would be people discussing whether or not he was sincere or not. What I wanted to hear was people explaining why he chose that particular moment to "apologize" or whatever you want to call it. I mean, he wasn't announcing that he was returning to golf. There hadn't been any public developments that anyone was aware of. It was just out of the blue. But of course, since that's a legitimate question, most of the mainstream media didn't address that. Shocking, I know. Aside from that, while I did expect to hear stuff like I described above, what I did not expect to hear were complaints....from the women that he was sleeping with.

That's right. Tiger Woods's whores (I call 'em whores, some call them mistresses) are upset that he did not publicly apologize to THEM during his little speech on Friday. Wait. What now?

Correct. At least two of the mistress-y whores wanted an apology. First up we have Jamie Jungers. She went on E! Online and talked to some dude who I had never seen before and said that she felt that he should have addressed not her in particular, but all of the women that he slept with (I guess that would include his wife, but it's hard to say). According to the article over at The Huffington Post, since she claims to have slept with Tiger on the night that his father died, she "...did not hesitate to reference Earl Woods' passing. "I've seen his face and his emotions when his father died and this was different.... I'm not going to call him a liar but...he's playing that card." Well, she might be right, but she's not right in the way that she thinks that she's right.

See, one's emotions are going to be different on the night that someone, say their father, dies than they are going to be when they are standing behind a podium and blathering on about how sorry they are for something. I'm sure his emotions were different. So I don't know what card he could possibly be playing. That one is definitely a head scratcher.

The other head scratcher is her acting as if she has somehow been victimized by all of this. She claims in the E! clip "If it were up to me, I never would have done it to begin with, but I was young and stupid." Young and stupid aside, I'm pretty sure that it was always up to her. I'm pretty sure that no one forced her to sleep with the world's best golfer. Pretty sure of that.

The other disgruntled mistress is Veronica Siwik Daniels, also known as Jocelyn James. She has to go by a different name for all of the porn that she films. (Oh, that's right. That Tiger hooked up with the classy ones.) Ms. James has managed to get herself hooked up with the most despicable person on the planet, attorney Gloria Allred. Gloria Allred is like the queen of the publicity chasers. If there is an incident that is even the slightest bit in the public eye, mark my words that you will find Gloria Allred trying to weasel her way into it somehow. She's just a horrible, horrible human being. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't have a human soul.

Gloria Allred held her own little press conference after Tiger's. Again, over at The Huffington Post, we learn that Gloria Allred said that "I just watched Tiger Woods' apology on television, and he said that many people believed in him. He also said he wanted to make amends. He did not apologize by name to my client, Veronica, and I ask, why no apology?"

If you really have to ask "Why no apology?", then you're dumber than I thought. What is he going to apologize to these women for exactly? For lying to them? I'm sorry but if you're having an affair with someone who is married, can you really believe anything that they say? After all, they have no problem lying to and cheating on their spouse. Why would anyone expect that it would be any different with the person who is the cheatee? You wouldn't. Well, they did, so I guess I should have wrote that they shouldn't.

I find it amazing that these women want an apology from Tiger Woods. An apology for what now? For not being the only person that he was cheating on his wife with? That sounds like an odd apology to demand. Do they expect an apology because he told them that he loved them and only wanted to be with them? Please. What else was he going to say? "You're just one in a very long line of sluts."? I don't think that would have gone over very well.

People are amazing. So many people just expect that they should have people feel sorry for them when they're the ones who got themselves into whatever mess they're in. In the case of these women, the only difference between them and other women that sleep with married men is that the other women don't have a public platform to stand behind and cry about how hurt they are. Other than that, other than these women being able to let the whole world know that they feel that they were wronged, there's no difference.

Say, ladies? How do you think Tiger's wife would have felt about him apologizing to y'all? I'm guessing that wouldn't have gone over very well. And on top of that, he's never going to apologize to y'all because he never cared about you in the first place. Why apologize for something you don't care about? Harsh? Perhaps. But it seems like the truth. Get over it ladies. Go find some NBA player to sleep with.

Sphere: Related Content

Confirmed Bimbo Number Eight!

I said I'd let you know when I knew! And I know! Well, I know what others are telling me. Others in this case would be The Huffington Post. And they are saying that one of the previously unconfirmed women that Tiger Woods was sleeping with has been identified. And said identification has now upped the total that we're looking at to eleven. (Come on, Tiger! Four more and my guess is dead on! Come on, whores! Come out, come out, wherever you are!)

See, yesterdays roll call of hussies had the number pegged at 10 (but with sadly only 9 spots on my Brady Bunch-esque pictorial scorecard). Today's bimbette is in addition to the throngs mentioned yesterday. So we're still waiting for another pancake house waitress, a Brit and an elderly woman to step forward. But while we're waiting, we can feast our eyes and our waning disbelief on this woman, a one Joslyn James. Behold!

Holy canoli, that's a lot of women. Hey, Tiger. What is it with you and women with the first and last initials of J. Jaimee Grubbs, Jamie Jungers and now Joslyn James. Though of the three double sets of J's, I'm going to have to go with James winning the raunchy contest (if one were being held, of course). She's top ho, that's for sure.

I found a profile/biography/resume for Ms. James over at the LH Talent Casting website. I'm guessing, just judging from the pictures of Ms. James, that the LH stands for "Lotsa Hoes". By the way, that site is SO NSFWAA (Not Safe For Work AT ALL), you might want to make sure that there are no small children nearby when you're checking it out. I know you're going to. Don't lie.

I, personally, have a hard time getting past the heading that says "Seymore Butts Light House Talent Casting". It's certainly not false advertising. You're definitely going to Seymore Butts on that site than you would over here, that's for sure. The woman has a very large set of breasticles implanted. I'm not sure what they implanted, but from the looks of it, I'm guessing cantaloupes. Good Lord, ma'am. Most folks carry business cards.

The resume at the casting agency lists the sort of work that Ms. James is available for. Let's just say that it includes everything except for bestiality. Anything else she seems to be game for. And while I'll agree that most of the time it's a good idea to cast a wide net and expand your horizons in the employment industry, what say if you're a whore, you narrow down that net just a bit, OK sweetheart? OK, then.

Tiger's whores are getting trashier and trashier as this tale drags itself out longer and longer. Again, we're still just limited to this continent. Once the stories start hitting the British papers and his bimbos over there begin to get wind of the amount of money the other whores were paid to tell their story, they're going to start talking in those fabulously accented voices of theirs rather quickly. I guarantee it. If at least one Brit is linked to Tiger, I will guarantee that at the very least, two more will come out of the woodwork and show off their fake breasts.

I've started playing a little game with all of this. I call it "How Many Whores By Morning?" I chose morning rather than at the end of the day because I figured that the women would be rising on the whore-izon. By the time I get up every morning, how many more whores will have come forward and say that they fornicated like crazed mammals with the aforementioned adulterer, Tiger Woods? Because you realize that's what's happened. Almost every day, a new woman surfaces. It's almost unbelievable. And that leads me into my question.

HOW on earth were THIS MANY women able to have kept quiet or been kept quiet for so long? Seriously. They didn't figure that they could have sold their story before now? I don't understand that at all. Was he paying them off to be quiet? Did they all think that they were the only one and when they found out that they were so NOT the only one that they acted out as the scorned ho and told all to the highest bidder? WHY hasn't this happened before the circle of whores became so large and widespread (sort of like all of their legs)? I'm open to theories. Please post them because I'm out of guesses.

Stay tuned for the next round of whores to come out of the woodwork. I'll also take guesses on how long it will be before Tiger finds himself sitting on Oprah's couch, begging for forgiveness and trying to explain his animalistic desire to uncontrollably mate with anything that moves.

Sphere: Related Content

Shoes Speak Louder Than Words

Ashley Dupre (pronounced, for no other reason than that's how she chose to say it, as Do-PRAY), is someone you may be familiar with, even if you don't recognize the name right away. She was the "escort" that "escorted" former New York City Governor Idiot Eliot Spitzer. Yep, that's her. Eliot Spitzer's whore. (Which would be a fabulous name for a band, don't you think? Eliot Spitzer's Whore. I like it. Now I just need a band.)

She prefers the term "escort" (and if you're a whore, wouldn't you prefer to be called just about anything but "whore"?) as opposed to "prostitute", but she seems to be in her own little world most of the time, so don't be surprised if her next self-appointed title is "rocket scientist". Whatever you call her, someone over there at ABC seems to think that people are interested in what she has to say. They seem to be putting a spin on Spitzer being caught frequenting hookers as her "bringing him down". (Now, I'm sure that someone "went down" in that relationship, but I'm thinking it was her, if you know what I mean. If you don't, it's OK. You will someday. Maybe. If it seems to be taking too long, you can always get a whore to show you.) And it was under that pretense that Diane Sawyer felt the need to interview her for half an hour! What can a hooker talk about for half an hour?! Or, at least, what can a hooker talk to Diane Sawyer about for half an hour that would make people want to listen to her? Not a lot, yet the interview went ahead.

Several things about this interview annoyed me. The first of which is Diane Sawyer and her "poor, innocent person stricken by unavoidable tragedy" voice. Why is she speaking to her like something awful has happened? Granted, being a hooker isn't the best career move for most and I can only imagine that it would, in fact, be awful. But when it's the kind of awful that's your own doing, do you still rate the "we're so sorry this happened to you" voice? I don't think you do. I think you give up being talked to with that voice when you make the decision, of your own free will, to become a hooker. It might be tragic, but it certainly is not unavoidable. You can not be a hooker. It's possible. Look at me! Look at you! Right now. Both of us! NOT being hookers!

(Side note: Diane Sawyer needs to either darken her hair color or spend some time in Sarah Palin's tanning bed. She's blending all together there. You can't see where her face starts and where her hairline ends.)

Next was the chosen attire of a one Ashley Dupre (aka ESW. Eliot Spitzer's Whore.). She looked like she raided the closets at the FLDS ranch. Diane Sawyer had more skin showing than the hooker did! :::shudder::: Are we supposed to be convinced that she's really a very demure, very conservative, very prudish, very non-sexual woman in that get up? Very not-hooker-ific? Because had we all not known that she was ESW, it might have worked. But if that were the case, how would it be explained that she was giving an interview with Diane Sawyer about prostitution? Exactly. It wouldn't. So what's with the outfit there, Ashley?

ESW claims that she didn't know that Spitzer was the Governor. She said he "looked familiar". (Probably because he was the Governor, don't you think?) She also said that when she watched his press conference (where he gave the I-have-been-busted-doing-something-really-stupid-and-I-must-now-stand-here-with-my-stupid-wife-at-my-side-and-try-to-apologize-and-sound-like-I-mean-it speech) that she felt "connected" to his wife, Silda. (Silda? Um, pretty.) She said she didn't feel connected to him. Both clear indications that, for a hooker, it would seem as if she was doing it all wrong!

ESW said that she could feel his wife's pain, the pain that she saw in her eyes. But she was making it sound as if she had no idea, NO idea, that the men that she was "escorting" might, just might, have had a wife, a girlfriend, a female in their life that was not a hooker. She acted as if this was the first time that she was inclined to think that these men might, just might, be cheating on someone else. I'm sure she was shocked, just shocked, at this startling reality. Whatever. (You might notice that her title isn't "Eliot Spitzer's Really Good At Lying Whore.")

Come on, anyone who watched this when it aired (it doesn't count if you're watching it online after the fact, like I am) was watching it for one reason and one reason only and it wasn't to hear about ESW talk about her feelings. They were watching for some down and dirty details of how the Governor liked it. They wanted the kinky, they wanted the dirty. They didn't want the details of ESW's childhood memories. They wanted the details of ESW's "escorting" the Governor into all sorts of different positions; that's what they wanted! And is that surprising? No! Of course not! It's like I said earlier, why else are you going to listen to a whore?

What I got out of this whole "interview" was this: If you're going to be a hooker, you're going to have some thinking patterns that are just not quite right. You're going to have to come up with ways to justify this to yourself (and others, should you be involved in a public scandal that involves a state's highest elected official). ESW's methods of justification were...well...let's just say that it's a good thing she was partial to what she was doing, otherwise she would have told herself that she's full of crap. For example, her justification for "continuing her career" as ESW was "I really didn't see the difference between going on a date with someone in New York, taking you to dinner and expecting something in return. I really thought it was more of a trade-off. He's expecting something in return when you date, whereas, you know, being an escort, it was a formal transaction." Huh. Um, you know, you don't have to go out with a different guy every week. You don't have to have sex with your date after dinner. You could just go out with someone, not because they're a guy, but because you like them and because they like you as someone who is not a whore.

The overly whitened teeth are so obviously over whitened, they would glow purple if she opened her mouth in a room with a black light. (That's what happened to Ross on that one episode of 'Friends'.) See, that's the thing. No, not just the teeth. Everything is fake. Everything is pretend. And it's all being passed off as not only the truth, but as journalism and reporting! And in reality, it doesn't appear to be any of those. It's just a hooker and some broad asking questions, really.

I know she wants to come across as being honest (because, really, who wants to come across as a liar?), but she's just not all that convincing. It just seems like she's trying too hard. (Trust me. If you've ever met a person who is genuine, they speak and act in an effortless manner because they're real and because they're being honest. It's hard to explain, but you can just tell. Sadly, however, it's a rare trait that most people don't possess. But if you ever meet a truly genuine human being, consider yourself lucky because you're in for quite a treat. It's awesome. And so are they.) Things just don't add up.

From what she says to what she wears, it just strikes me as someone who, once again, is just blowing something, but this time it's all hot air instead of the Governor. Look, here she is when she did the interview with Diane Sawyer:

And here she is in the interview she did with People Magazine about a week before her little sit down with Diane:

Uh-huh. Well, there are some subtle differences between the two outfits, wouldn't you say?

Aside from that (and as long as I'm bagging on the choice of attire), there are her shoes. She's wearing this purple, long sleeve, polygamist-sect-wife-inspired dress o' chastity and yet on her feet are stiletto heels. Very stiletto. Look at those shoes:

I'm not a stiletto expert (oh, who am I kidding? Of course I am! I'm just not an expert about stilettos on me.), but those are easily four inch heels. Possibly five. And there's a name for heels like those. "F-Me Pumps" I believe is the slang term for them. And ironically, "F-Me Pumps" is the official name for them as well.

Her dress says "No", but her shoes say "Yes, baby, yes." That's it. I don't believe her. She's lying. She's just whoring herself out, this time to Diane Sawyer, to make a quick buck. (How much did she get paid for this anyway, I wonder?) It's all fake. She's just trying to make herself look good. And while she does look good and she might think that she's able to convince other people that she's no longer ESW, she's going to have to spend a little bit more time trying to convince herself that she's not ESW anymore either.

Sphere: Related Content