Lying And Tiger And Bears, Oh My!

If Gloria Allred is involved in something, I usually chalk the 'something' up to really being nothing. Gloria Allred is a reprehensible human being (who probably warms her body by sunning herself on a rock) and a media whore lawyer. If there is a media bandwagon to start up, she will be the first one there to hold a press conference and explain why something has gone horribly awry for her poor, misunderstood and disserviced client. But her latest client might actually have a leg or two to stand on with her claims.

Let's meet Maureen Decker. Ms. Decker was the kindergarten teacher of a one Eldrick Woods, aka Tiger. Now that some of his extra-martial dalliances with any cocktail waitress as far as the eye can see have become known, Ms. Decker has felt the need to set the record straight about a little tale that the aforementioned Eldrick has been telling folks for quite some time. How I missed hearing about this story the first time around is beyond me. But it has apparently been out there since at least 2005, so I'm guessing I must have been extremely busy. It's a whopper.

According to the gossipy folks over there at TMZ, in a "2005 book written by Charles Barkley...the golfer says, "I became aware of my racial identity on my first day of school, on my first day of kindergarten. A group of sixth graders tied me to a tree, spray-painted the word 'nigger' on me, and threw rocks at me. That was my first day of school. And the teacher really didn't do much of anything." Um, wait. What now?

Tiger Woods is claiming that on the first day of kindergarten that he was tied to a tree, spray painted upon with racial epithets and pelted with rocks? And nothing happened?! WHAT?! How is that possible?! Well, if you're asking that very kindergarten teacher, Ms. Decker, it didn't happen. No, she's claiming that it didn't happen at all. Hmmm.

Before I go into why I am tending to believe Ms. Decker, let's look at what the fine folks down under at the Herald Sun tell us about this same incident. They tell us that Tiger also said, "I used to live across the street from school. The teacher said, 'OK, just go home'. So I had to outrun all these kids going home. It was certainly an eye-opening experience." Hmmm again.

So, let me get this straight, Eldrick. I'm supposed to believe that you, a little five year old kindergartener who was attending school at Cerritos Elementary School in Cypress, California, had this happen to him on the first day of school? Really? And I'm also supposed to believe that after you, somehow, managed to untie yourself from the alleged tree, you had to outrun a bunch of sixth graders to get home? And on top of that, I'm supposed to believe that your parents did nothing?! I'm drawing the line right there.

Your parents didn't ask for a conference with the teacher? Your parents didn't go to the police? Your parents didn't go to the media? (This story has all the makings of a national news story if there ever was one. It has at least the makings of a local news story if there ever was one.) Your parents didn't go to the principal? No, you're telling us that instead, your parents (one of whom was Earl Woods, who wanted nothing more than to make his kid a star) sent you BACK to a school where their little golf prodigy was spray painted upon? Really? I'm finding that hard to believe. I don't have children, but I cannot for the life of me ever imagine that if my kid came home from school with the N-word spray painted on him when he was five years old that I would be sending him back to that school ever. Nor can I imagine that I just wouldn't say anything to anyone. That seems highly unlikely. At best.

And speaking of spray paint, what sixth graders were going to school on the first day with cans of spray paint and lengths of rope or string with which to do all of the tying to trees? And where was this tree? Weren't you kind of a little guy, Tiger? Would the N-word even be POSSIBLE to spray paint upon your little scrawny body? How'd you untie yourself? How'd you manage to outrun them? (If he had really outrun them, wouldn't we be hearing today about him being the world's fastest man instead of the world's greatest golfer? That would have been quite the accomplishment, really.) How did any of this happen, really?

I don't blame Ms. Decker for speaking up and saying that this whole thing never happened. Apparently, she's been trying to say something about it for years, but no one would ever listen to her. Now that there is all of this media attention on Tiger, I'd have to say that I agree that the arena is probably a bit more in her favor. But did she really have to get Gloria Allred to represent her? I just can't trust anything that Gloria Allred is involved in.

From what Gloria is saying, all Ms. Decker wants is an apology. That seems reasonable to want, but I certainly don't think that she should be sitting around expecting anything to change. Tiger still won't come out and say what the entire world knows, which is that he cheated on his wife with any and every bimbo that would have him. He can't admit that even though it's beyond common knowledge. And this woman expects him to admit that the whole "first day of school torture story" was a lie? That's not going to happen. And when it doesn't, I guess that's when we'll see what Gloria's next move is. Hopefully, it's to another planet.

Sphere: Related Content

The Other Women Want Apologies

Now, I expected that there would be a little bit of talk from folks after Tiger Woods's apology. Mostly I figured that it would be people discussing whether or not he was sincere or not. What I wanted to hear was people explaining why he chose that particular moment to "apologize" or whatever you want to call it. I mean, he wasn't announcing that he was returning to golf. There hadn't been any public developments that anyone was aware of. It was just out of the blue. But of course, since that's a legitimate question, most of the mainstream media didn't address that. Shocking, I know. Aside from that, while I did expect to hear stuff like I described above, what I did not expect to hear were complaints....from the women that he was sleeping with.

That's right. Tiger Woods's whores (I call 'em whores, some call them mistresses) are upset that he did not publicly apologize to THEM during his little speech on Friday. Wait. What now?

Correct. At least two of the mistress-y whores wanted an apology. First up we have Jamie Jungers. She went on E! Online and talked to some dude who I had never seen before and said that she felt that he should have addressed not her in particular, but all of the women that he slept with (I guess that would include his wife, but it's hard to say). According to the article over at The Huffington Post, since she claims to have slept with Tiger on the night that his father died, she "...did not hesitate to reference Earl Woods' passing. "I've seen his face and his emotions when his father died and this was different.... I'm not going to call him a liar but...he's playing that card." Well, she might be right, but she's not right in the way that she thinks that she's right.

See, one's emotions are going to be different on the night that someone, say their father, dies than they are going to be when they are standing behind a podium and blathering on about how sorry they are for something. I'm sure his emotions were different. So I don't know what card he could possibly be playing. That one is definitely a head scratcher.

The other head scratcher is her acting as if she has somehow been victimized by all of this. She claims in the E! clip "If it were up to me, I never would have done it to begin with, but I was young and stupid." Young and stupid aside, I'm pretty sure that it was always up to her. I'm pretty sure that no one forced her to sleep with the world's best golfer. Pretty sure of that.

The other disgruntled mistress is Veronica Siwik Daniels, also known as Jocelyn James. She has to go by a different name for all of the porn that she films. (Oh, that's right. That Tiger hooked up with the classy ones.) Ms. James has managed to get herself hooked up with the most despicable person on the planet, attorney Gloria Allred. Gloria Allred is like the queen of the publicity chasers. If there is an incident that is even the slightest bit in the public eye, mark my words that you will find Gloria Allred trying to weasel her way into it somehow. She's just a horrible, horrible human being. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't have a human soul.

Gloria Allred held her own little press conference after Tiger's. Again, over at The Huffington Post, we learn that Gloria Allred said that "I just watched Tiger Woods' apology on television, and he said that many people believed in him. He also said he wanted to make amends. He did not apologize by name to my client, Veronica, and I ask, why no apology?"

If you really have to ask "Why no apology?", then you're dumber than I thought. What is he going to apologize to these women for exactly? For lying to them? I'm sorry but if you're having an affair with someone who is married, can you really believe anything that they say? After all, they have no problem lying to and cheating on their spouse. Why would anyone expect that it would be any different with the person who is the cheatee? You wouldn't. Well, they did, so I guess I should have wrote that they shouldn't.

I find it amazing that these women want an apology from Tiger Woods. An apology for what now? For not being the only person that he was cheating on his wife with? That sounds like an odd apology to demand. Do they expect an apology because he told them that he loved them and only wanted to be with them? Please. What else was he going to say? "You're just one in a very long line of sluts."? I don't think that would have gone over very well.

People are amazing. So many people just expect that they should have people feel sorry for them when they're the ones who got themselves into whatever mess they're in. In the case of these women, the only difference between them and other women that sleep with married men is that the other women don't have a public platform to stand behind and cry about how hurt they are. Other than that, other than these women being able to let the whole world know that they feel that they were wronged, there's no difference.

Say, ladies? How do you think Tiger's wife would have felt about him apologizing to y'all? I'm guessing that wouldn't have gone over very well. And on top of that, he's never going to apologize to y'all because he never cared about you in the first place. Why apologize for something you don't care about? Harsh? Perhaps. But it seems like the truth. Get over it ladies. Go find some NBA player to sleep with.

Sphere: Related Content

These Weren't Too Big

I'm OVER hearing "too big to fail" in regard to the AIG debacle. As I believe I've asked before, how is "too big to fail" any different than "too big to succeed"? If you can't "fail", then why bother trying to "succeed"? And as I've seen happen with so many things lately, the AIG outrage is directed in the wrong direction. Was it sucky of them to huge, multi-million dollar bonuses when they ran the company into the ground? Well, sure. But are you going to tell me that if it was wrote in your contract that you get a bonus at the end of the year no matter what that you're not going to take it? Sure you are. But regardless as to whether or not that's despicable behavior, let's just remember that it wouldn't have been possible without the help of Congress, who allowed the terms of the taxpayer money that AIG received to include wording that specified the executives receiving bonuses. Be mad about it because you should. But be mad at Congress.

And I'm going to have to assume that it was Congress, in an attempt to deflect some, any or all of the blame off of themselves, who came up with the "too big to fail" explanation as to why blindly handing over bazillions of dollars is necessary. Along with using "too big to fail" as a justification for these bailout/spending bills, it also seems to carry with it the unsaid implication that "too big to fail" also means "won't fail". I know they say it like it's supposed to mean "can't fail", but the "won't fail" is implied instead because if it couldn't fail then we wouldn't need to fund its not failing.

And, like almost everything else that has been attempted during this economic nightmare, it's misleading and installs false hope. Really, there have been a lot of things which carried the implication of "too big to fail". Let's review, shall we?

Oh, yeah. We're doomed for sure. Still not convinced? Fine, one more example of our impending doomage, though it really doesn't fit the "too big to fail" category, it's definitely a sign of something. (If nothing else, at least it's something amusing!)

The final sign of doom: Nancy Pelosi looks like Gloria Allred. Behold!

Sphere: Related Content