Congratulations?

Well, it's official. Chaz Bono is saving up to buy a new wang!

For those of you who may have been blissfully living under a rock somewhere and are unaware of this situation, may I be the first to say congratulations. (And second, can I join you?) Let me bring you up to speed. Chaz is the new man name of Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and the late Sonny "Look Out For That Tree" Bono, who decided she was really a dude and has been transitioning toward the goal of becoming a dude. Chaz has been doing this by taking proactive measures such as having both breasts lopped off after his/her 40th birthday and taking male hormones such as testosterone. (Wow. All I did after my 40th birthday was be 40. And I did so with all of the parts that I turned 40 with!) And if you've seen this person lately, you could easily get the impression that part of this transition involved this person eating Chastity. Behold!


Yeah, that's a big person right there. But back to the penis. While Chaz has taken several steps toward becoming a guy, Chaz has not yet opted to have a penis attached or Velcroed on or however that works. But I guess that Chaz is finally ready to make the plunge and has told Rolling Stone all about it! See, you can get the surgery done fairly basic or you can add on some options. So, I guess it's like buying a car or something. (Get one with air conditioning, Chaz! And power windows! You don't want to have to crank that thing by hand!) And really, how many options are there and what are they for? I mean, I don't have a penis of my own, but from what I understand, they only do a couple of things. How many options are really necessary for those things?

According to an article over at The Daily Mail, Chaz told Rolling Stone, "I could get a phalloplasty, which builds the phallus from a donor site on your body, but I'm currently leaning more towards a metoidioplasty". OK. Hold on just a minute here. I don't know what in the world a 'metoidioplasty' is and I'm not sure that I'm all that concerned about it at the moment. That's because I'm way more focused on the part about where they grow you a new wiener from a donor site on your body! What the what?! Like where exactly? I guess they could grow it behind the ear. Granted, you wouldn't be able to put pencils there any more. You know, because of all of the penis that was there. But I suppose it could be done. Wait. Why am I being so complacent all of a sudden?! We're talking about growing a penis on another part of the human body! There should be no complacency!

OK, just calm down. (I wasn't talking to you. It was more for me.) But wait. There's more! The article also goes on to quote: "It's a process that uses what you already have down there, which has grown larger from the testosterone." Umm...can I just be the first one to say EW! See, because I have lady parts and they seem to be at a lovely ratio the way that they are. I can't imagine them growing larger (and you can't make me imagine it, either!). He also seems to think that when it's...you know...soft that it's about three inches. Again, the thought of someone's lady parts being three inches long is just wrong on many different levels. Chaz is also stated that "...it grows considerably....I don't know what the average difference is, but when I'm having sex I probably get three or four times larger." Really? Three to four times larger? I find that hard (no pun intended) to believe. Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking for proof or anything. I'm just saying that those seem like lofty goals.

Bono also admitted in the article that his ex-girlfriend was against him going through with the "bottom surgery". That's really not all that surprising considering that Chaz was going out with this chick when he was still and chick. Her being a lesbian doesn't really seem like it would bode well for an individual who wants to grow their own penis. I guess I'm surprised that she stuck around as long as she did. I mean, it's kind of inevitable that a woman who wants to be a man will one day want a penis. Am I really saying all of this? I need to stop this. Now. Good Lord.

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Dancing Contest Uproars

Holy crap, people are morons. Paste eatin', mouth breathin' morons. And not in a good way (like when you need someone to get rid of a lot of paste). I mean in the way that just makes me insane because it's so non-sensical. Here's the latest thing that's annoying me: People's reactions to the new cast of Dancing With The Stars. Specifically the issue of having Chaz Bono on there. (For those of you who have been under a rock for God only knows how long, Chaz Bono is the offspring of Cher and Sonny Bono (before he plowed himself into a tree whilst skiing, obviously). Chaz was born as a girl and named Chastity. She declared herself gay at some point, which really wasn't a shocker to anyone that had seen her. And then a few years ago, she had a sex-change and legally became Chaz. And while he's not fully biologically male (he had the top surgery, but has not yet had what I lovingly refer to as the addadicktomy), he is legally a male. Consider yourself caught up.) And thus, it begins.

I first saw a clip of Hoda Kotb (who needs to buy a vowel or something) talking with the nearly insufferable Kathie Lee Gifford on the equally insufferable Today show about Chaz. Kathie Lee said, "Chaz is going to have a female partner." And Yoda Hoda says (rather uncomfortably), "Yes. That's what's going to happen. So it's going to be interesting!" And then they both giggle like idiotic schoolgirls. Good Lord.

Why is that so funny, exactly? Considering that he's a man, baby (say that in an Austin Powers accent and it's a lot funnier), who would you have him dance with? Another man? Well, that would be just strange! Not to mention, wrong. Then again, maybe they're the same type of people that thought that Portia diRossi (should she have actually done the show) should have been paired up with another woman! How ridiculous does that sound?! Very. Very ridiculous. And idiotic. And anything but sane and reasonable.

And speaking of sane and reasonable, that's exactly what some folks are not being over this Chaz Bono announcement. See, I went over to the ABC website to see what folks had to say. Here are some excerpts:

From minnerl: "I believe Chastity Bono, is and always will be a woman. You cannot change what God designed. I will not watch the show now that she is on it. I will definitely skip this season."

From 49TRGll62: "My family and I will be boycotting DWTS this season. My kids love the show but I will not let them watch it this year. I AM TIRED OF THE MEDIA TRYING TO PRETEND THAT PEOPLE WANT TO EXPOSE THEIR YOUNG CHILDREN TO THIS LIFESTYLE! Young children do not even fully understand what it means to be straight yet. Some people still believe in morality and YES, it is something wrong with that lifestyle."

From patjoe55: "What do you think?I won't be watching this season either, as I also cannot agree with the homosexual agenda. I used to enjoy the show, all except for Bruno and his remarks and gyrating all over the place, especially toward the gay dancers. And lately, they are putting more and more gay people on, maybe for Bruno's benefit. No, thank you."


Jesus, where do I start. Here's what I want to ask these people: How have you felt about some of the people that have been on this show in the past who haven't been gay or transgendered, but have had an abhorrent lifestyle? Let's review:

Pamela Anderson: Let's be honest here, she's hot as hell. But she's posed for Playboy, makes a living off of her super hot body, was married to Tommy Lee (Lord only knows what that lifestyle was like) and has used drugs to the point where she contracted hepatitis C. Not exactly a role model, I wouldn't think. (But God, is she hot.)
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino: Makes a living by getting drunk as can be every night (from what I can tell from the limited, yet torturous amount of time that I've logged with Jersey Shore) and bangs everything in sight that has a vagina. Abercrombie & Fitch offered to pay him money if he would STOP wearing their brand! What does that tell you about the boy?!
Kendra Wilkinson: For cryin' out loud! You people have a problem with Chaz Bono but not with Kendra?! She was whoring herself out to the ancient Hugh Hefner as one of his three girlfriends. And she marketed her own sex tapes! Oh, yeah. That's real family friendly there. Sure.

And let's not forget that also appearing in the upcoming season will be Ron Artest. Allow me to remind these holier-than-thou types that Ron Artest has been known to be an abhorrent human being. From being charged with everything from starving his dogs to jumping into the stands and starting a brawl that resulted in a year long suspension from the NBA. He's not exactly the most non-controversial chap out there. (Granted, he seems to be getting his act together, but I'm not totally convinced. The man wants to change his name to Metta World Peace. That should speak for itself.) Need I go on? (OK, maybe I do just a little bit. Kim Kardashian for cryin' out loud! She's famous because of her ass that was seen my millions on the Internet because of a sex tape!)


So, look. Just relax about the Chaz Bono thing. If you like to watch dancing contests, then watch. If you don't like to watch dancing contests, then don't. But if you're going to judge, at least be freaking consistent about what you're judging people on. Wow. Just wow. You morons.

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The War Against Trangendered Stick Figures

From the ever expanding file of "What in the hell is wrong with you?" we shall visit Manchester University over there in the United Kingdom, where I'm hoping there is an academic department that can study why people continue to evolve into soft headed, helmet needed, societal veal calves. And do you want to know who they can start with to figure out why this phenomenon is so prominent these days? Of course you do.

They can start with people like Manchester University’s women's officer Jennie Killip. (Women's officer. That sounds so militant. And yet, it's so not.) According to the blokes over there at The Mail Online, "Anyone caught short at Manchester University will have to decide whether to use the 'toilets' or the 'toilets with urinals' after the women's and men's were re-named to avoided offending transgender students." Oh, sweet mother of God, make it stop. Make. It. Stop. WTF?!?

Apparently, "a number" (It doesn't say what number. Could be two. Could be three hundred. But usually when you're given the amount of "a number", that number is most likely one or zero. And that means that it has nothing to do with the "number" of complaints or problems, but rather the personal agenda of those who are keeping "the number" a big, fat secret.) of women who considered themselves to be transgender said that they were "uncomfortable using men's loos." To which I say, "Then use the women's loos. After all, you're a woman." To which Manchester University said, "Oh, I see. Well, then, we'll just put a sign that says "Toilets With Urinals" on top of the stick figure drawing on the door of the loo that represents a man. And then we'll put a sign that says "Toilets" on top of the stick figure drawing on the door of the loo that represents a woman." Wait. What?

Now, I know that there is a subtle difference in the way that I would have handled that situation and the way that the University chose to handle that situation and you might not have caught the difference right away, so I'm going to make sure that the differences are blatantly obvious. See, my way of dealing with it made sense and did not include pandering. The University's way of dealing with it was completely ridiculous and made NO sense whatsoever. And I can back that assertion up, too.

Jennie Killip, who seems to be the individual who has spearheaded this "politically correct/and-justice-for-all" movement, was quoted in the University's newspaper, The Student Direct, as saying, "'Toilets are very much, you know, for boys and for girls, so we’ve taken away that overtly gendered aspect." Now, until I read that, I was unaware that it was possible for one to contradict themselves in such a short period of time. Yes, they ARE very much for boys and girls. But then you take that away when you just said that's what they're for. And it's not an "overtly gendered aspect". It's a men's room and a ladies' room! And regardless as to whether you like it or not, there ARE TWO different and separate genders!

She continued with her diatribe of idiocy by saying, "A trans-student who does not identify themselves as a man would have to face abuse and violence if they used the "other" toilet." I can't possibly imagine why that would be if the individual who doesn't identify themselves as a man and is considered "transgendered" would face abuse. After all, we're assuming that, due to the "transgendered" label, they look like a woman. Thus, they shouldn't have to "face abuse" from other women. (Unless they're going to stand there and pee in the sink. THEN there'd be some abusing.) I mean, if a guy who looks like a lumberjack comes into the women's restroom, sure, people are going to have a problem with it. But that's not what transgendered is implying. There's a difference between living as a transgendered individual and looking like a lumberjack, but waking up one morning and thinking, "I feel pretty!"

And her non-sensical blatherment, spewed seemingly to perpetuate her own ideals, continued with, "'If you were born female, still present quite feminine, but define as a man you should be able to go into the men's toilets - if that's how you define." Again, NOT transgender, per se. What if I was born female (I was) and I still present quite feminine (most of the time) but define as a African gazelle? Are you going to provide me with a lounge of elimination in the motif of the Serengeti? I think not. (Why am I not surprised that this chick has green hair?)

And the asinine cherry on top of this internal agenda driven sundae came when Greenie concluded with, "You don't necessarily have had to have gender reassignment surgery, but you could just define yourself as a man, feel very masculine in yourself, feel that in fact being a woman is not who you are.'" And again, she's correct and doesn't realize it and therefore went screaming in the opposite (and wrong) direction. See, if you've had the gender reassignment surgery, you're not transgender, you're transsexual. And that would be different. Aside from that, by leaving it up to personal definition, you're not only going to get the transgendered individuals using the restroom of their choice, you're going to get the NOT transgendered individuals (ie, sickos, perverts, horny frat boys, etc.) using the restroom of THEIR choice. You know I'm right. This can't possibly end well (though hilarity MAY ensue at some point).

I would have been more in favor of, yet still mocked incessantly, if they had just made all of the restrooms, ie, loos, all for one and one for all. Then there would clearly be no discrimination toward anyone. But instead, what do they do? They put a little sign (without even using a fancy font) on the chest of the stick figure that says "Toilets With Urinals". Um, we can still SEE the stick figure! We KNOW you mean that's the men's restroom! Won't the transgendered folk STILL feel uncomfortable if they can SEE the stick figure? This isn't a war against the division of society and gender discrimination, this is a war against asexual stick figures designed to provide universal guidance in ALL languages!

It also appears to be a parade celebrating the demise of rationality, not to mention the surge of being horrified if someone thinks that they are offended for a reason that may or may not be valid. And the grandmaster of the parade seems to have had her sanity effected by all of the chemicals in her bright green hair dye (a look which, when combined with this asinine stunt, is not going to help her be taken very seriously by, oh, just about everyone). Tell me, Greenie, which restroom do YOU identify with? The one with just toilets, the one with toilets and urinals, or the one that says The Great Gazoo?

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Yes, It's A Transvestite Toilet

Man, if the folks in California who are all in an uproar over the gay marriage thing ("What's next? People marrying dogs?!" That's my favorite argument. It's hil-arious. Can't get enough of it.) ever went to Thailand, they'd drop dead from sheer shock. Especially if they visited the Kampang School in northeast Thailand, where the future is now and that's why they have installed a "transvestite toilet". Wait. What?

Correct. Apparently, they did some sort of a survey of the school's 2,600 students last term and found that more than 200 of them considered themselves "transgender". (No word on how many of them considered themselves "super genius" or "better than you". This is high school, after all.) So in May when school resumed, a unisex restroom was revealed to all! Ooohhh! Aaahhh! The sign for the "Transvestite Toilet" is a human figure that is split in half (a sign that, to me, would indicate "Extreme Pain Ahead!") with the man half being blue and the woman half being red. (I'm not all for the stereotypical shading of the halves, but what are you going to do? They are in Thailand.) And if a divided stick figure with two different colored halves doesn't clue you in, underneath it also says "Transvestite Toilet", a name that more implies something about the receptacle itself rather than those who should be using it.

And it was put to good use immediately. According to the fine folks up there in Canada (America's Hat) at cnews.canoe.ca, "Three transgender students praised the new restroom as they plucked their eyebrows and applied face powder in front of the mirror outside the stalls." Um, OK. And if you're wondering if the face powdering transvestites had any comments, they did! Vichai Sangaskul, a student with his pixie hairdo pulled back with a pink barrette, told PBS Thailand (who knew?), "I'm so happy about this. It looks bad going to female restrooms. What would other people think?" Yes. What would other people think, said the boy with the pixie hairdo pulled back with a pink barrette. I can see that you're very concerned about what others may think of you, so to avoid any conflicts, you just clip that pink barrette in your soft, soft hair and blend right in, don't you?

Apparently Thailand is a very conservative land, but for some reason, extremely tolerant of those who visibly stand out in it's transgender community. By the way, in Thailand, the term "transgender" is pretty generic. They throw everything in that category. Those are are cross-dressers, transvestites, transsexuals and, just to make sure they got 'em all (and in this case, they really did!) those who are born with the physical characteristics of both sexes (but, contrary to what the sign would have you believe, NOT physically split down the middle and shaded different colors.)

And although this concept is new for a secondary school, it has already made it's way into some of the other colleges in Thailand. There's a technical college in Chiang Mai (that's in Thailand) which set up the "Pink Lotus Bathroom" because 15 of it's 1,500 students were transvestites. (I'm going to assume that the "Pink Lotus" is an alternative symbol for "Human Split In Two". I don't like much more than the other, though.) The plan, according to the Deputy Education Minister, Mr. Something Thai and Unpronounceable, is to count the number of transgender students at universities to determine if there "are a lot of them". If it turns out that there are "a lot of them", then according to the same guy, "We may have to consider building toilets and dormitories for them." Wow. Here in California, people protesting those who are engaging in gay marriage are condemning those individuals to hell. But in Thailand, they're going to build them a special toilet and, quite possibly, a couple of dormitories as well. The differences between cultures never ceases to amaze me. (Then again, idiots never cease to amaze me either.)

But in Thailand, the transgender are everywhere. Regularly, on TV, you will see transgender individuals on Thai soap operas. Throughout Bangkok, you'll see transgender individuals working at department store cosmetics counters and restaurants (and not those little Thai hole-in-the-wall restaurants, either. We're talking the popular restaurants. Think Thai Olive Garden. Wait. Don't think that. It sounds wrong. Or unappetizing at best.). You'll see them in office jobs and, surprise, in the red-light districts. Thailand also holds transgender beauty pageants. Go figure.

So what have we learned? Plenty. You can go to Thailand and get an education and not have to worry about being harassed, grabbed or groped when you use the restroom at your school because it's likely there will be a "Transvestite Toilet" for you to primp and preen and whatever else it is you need to do. We've also learned that even though Thailand is conservative, they don't see "conservative" as meaning "condemning" and they are very accepting of those who see themselves (or just are) transgender. I've also learned that I think I really like Thailand. Way to go guys.

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