Be Careful What You Ask For...

...Because you just might get it. And that I did.

In the post prior to this one, I was irritated that, once again, I was reading a news story that had omitted crucial details after giving only a vague description of a situation in which the reader would only be wanting to know "what in the hell was he doing?". It was a story about a man, presumedly lonely, definitely weird, who was found naked on his couch with a (brace yourself) claw hammer, a plastic bag and some motor oil. Hilarity did not ensue. But that's all the story told you! (You're really going to want to read that one first before you finish this one. Trust me, order is good.)

You're given the ingredients to a pervert souffle, but no clue as to how to follow the recipe in order to get the desired result. (Well, the desired result for the pervert. The desired result for me, and the rest of us who are not fornicating with claw hammers, is that this stuff never happen.) And with something this, um, out of the ordinary, you really kind of want to know. OK, you really want to know. Until you do know. Then? Yeah, you don't want to know.

The fine folks over there at The Smoking Gun (which sounds a little perverted in and of itself, but it's really not) have produced the police reports that explain what Sicky McSpanks-A-Lot was doing with the claw hammer, the motor oil and the plastic bag. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. Hell, we knew it wasn't pretty before we knew what he was doing. Now that we know? Well...it's downright ugly. They were also kind enough to share a picture of one Ronald Miller, aged 56, who has an apparent attraction to construction hand tools and automotive lubrication. He looks about what you'd expect him to look like. Here:

He also looks like he's just a six pack away from chopping up a family of four with a hatchet. (So if he actually does one day, just remember you heard it here first!)

But now onto the police reports. There were three of them, one from each of the highly underpaid officers that had to respond to this insanity. They all say basically the same thing, just in different, but easy to understand terms. Here's what we've learned:

• The guy was totally naked and had his windows and front door wide open so that all of the world could view him and his self important genitalia.
  
  
• The officers who responded to this call witnessed Hammer Time "insert" an "object" into....look. I can't write it. I just can't. You can either figure it out or read the report (click the image below). First, let me give you a few hints:
  
  
• Hint One: Don't forget about all of the "inserting".
  

• Hint Two: The claw hammer was wrapped up in the plastic bag.
  
  
• Hint Three: Orifice.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, "EEEWWWWW!!!!" Oh, and WTF?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! :::sigh::: Apparently not.

Police report number two uses the phrase "He was completely naked, and appeared to be covered in an oily substance." I don't know exactly why, but I find that pretty funny. "Appeared to be covered in an oily substance." Just in case, you know, he really wasn't covered in 10-40W motor oil and he just "appeared" as if he was. Always have to cover your ass if you're a cop. And actually, under these circumstances, that's really not a bad idea at all.

Police report number three indicates that he could see El Perv-Meister "inserting" things when the officer was still in the yard. That means that this guy was laying buck naked on his couch that was directly in front of his front door which was wide open. AND he was doing....that! And again I say, "EEEWWWWWW!!!!" And, of course, WTF?!?!
So what have we learned here? More than we wanted to, I'll tell you that. We've learned that some people really have too much time on their hands. We've also learned that the Home Depot slogan, "You can do it, we can help" makes us nervous when we think about it in relation to the claw hammer. And we've also learned that people like this guy make an excellent argument for the reasons that we should bring back the penal colony. (Pun oh-so intended there.)

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Hammer Time

Again, another news story about the strangely absurd and without any details describing that which makes everyone say either, "Huh?" or "Ow!" Do the people that put these stories together think that it's so obvious that they shouldn't even bother with the details? If so, then one would have to assume that news editors are the most perverse people on the planet, especially if they know all about this one.

From the fine, vague folks over there at WANE-TV (which is apparently in Fort Wayne, Indiana) we have the news of a man being arrested for felony public indecency for standing naked in the window of his home for all the world to see. (OH, thank you, sir, for displaying your genitals to the public for our viewing displeasure. Listen, if you're in Fort Wayne and you feel the need to show your penis off by standing in front of a window in your home, it's not as great as you think it is. And my apologies to the rest of you in Fort Wayne who are wearing pants. But, come on, you know what I mean.)

It's the typical "man without clothes stands in front of window or door of home for neighbors with fingers hovering over 911 on speed dial to see" sort of scene that we've (unfortunately) grown used to. And when the first cop showed up, sure enough, there was the guy, standing in front of his window, nether region on display. And as tempting as I'm sure it must have been to hurry up and go deal with this (another example of just how our public servants are not paid nearly enough what they're worth) he waited until another officer responded and then they approached the situation together. But this is when things started to get weird.

The front door was wide open and so they had a clear view of the inside of the home. I can almost guarantee that they wished that they didn't. That's because they found the naked man, "then on the couch, conducting a lewd act with a claw hammer, plastic bag and motor oil." Wait. What?

The man was a one Ronald Miller and he did not acknowledge the officer's presence until they said something to him (I can only imagine WHAT they said. I know what I would have said.). Even then, while acknowledging, he still didn't say anything. (What in the hell would you say? Hand me the cordless drill? What is wrong with people?)

So, the officers did what you and I would do (IF we had to because it was our job. Otherwise, we would have just ran the other way.) and they arrested him "in double-locked handcuffs". Probably a good idea. Err on the side of caution when there's a penis and a claw hammer involved, I always say. Apparently, when they arrested him, he "asked the officer for another chance." Um, another chance at what? Did he want to try a ball-peen hammer instead? (Hmmm....that might be inappropriate, but I'm really not sure what I meant by it, so I guess it's not.)

And can you imagine? Did the guy really think the officers would stop and take a moment to ponder the situation? "Hmmm...let's see...naked guy....claw hammer, motor oil and a plastic bag.....door wide open...big window with no curtains he stands in front of....wants another chance....well....I suppose we don't have to arrest him this time. But if we ever come out here again and find him vilifying any other hand tools (oh, pun SO intended there), well then we're taking him in. OK, sir, you're free to go!" I don't see that happening. Thank God.

There was a neighbor "watching the scene" and "who wished to remain confidential" (yeah, I would too if I were watching...um...that.) and she told police that she had seen Penis von Claw Hammer "walking around naked in his home with the front window and door open on several occasions." She also told the cops that "she doesn't appreciate that he walks around naked for all to see in her neighborhood." That seems to be a statement of the obvious, but OK then. The woman said, "He does it 24/24. He's not right." Wait. 24/24? Um, well, something's not right there. I mean, unless in Fort Wayne they can do things 24 hours a day, 24 days a week. Ah, yes, leave it to the TV news to interview those well versed in similes and parables to interview for their stories.

Now, are you seeing the problem with the reporting in this story? Do you notice the one glaring piece of information that was oh-so conveniently left out of the story? If you're not clear, let me help you. It's the only piece of information that we really don't know and that we really NEED to have someone TELL us about. (That's called "reporting" for those of you new to this "media" thing.) So, if you said, "Wait a minute. What in the HELL is he doing with the claw hammer, the motor oil and the plastic bag that constitutes a lewd act?! How do any of those things go with each other or with a penis?!" then you are correct!

I'm STILL confused. What in the hell?! That just doesn't sound pleasant in any way, shape or form to me. CLAW HAMMER?! I don't recall a lot of guys mentioning things that they'd like to have done to their penis involving a CLAW of any sort, really. And what's with the motor oil? For God's sake man, it's not a dipstick! And don't you know that plastic bags are harmful to the environment? You should be ashamed of yourself for that! (What would Al Gore think?)

Again, I'll issue this request to the media covering stories like this. Yes, I can gather from the information that you have provided that the man is a pervert. But when there's a claw hammer, motor oil, a plastic bag AND a penis involved? I'm going to need more information so that I know what kind of a pervert he is specifically. Otherwise, I have to go through the rest of my day with these four images in my head as I shift them around in some sort of twisted mix-and-match scenario that really leaves me feeling as if I need a shower. (It's bad enough that I have this song going through my head. "If I had a hammer...I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, I'd hammer all the time...")

Plastic bag image lifted from the fine blogger over yonder at Badger Madge's Diary.

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