Let's Look At This Another Way

I found this little gem via FB.  Apparently, Chris Rock was on Jimmy Fallon on May 7.  I feel the need to mention that I absolutely LOVE Chris Rock.  He is hilarious.  I also feel the need to mention that I LOVE Jimmy Fallon.  He's a brilliant comedic mind.  And is show is great.  That being said, let's begin. 

Here's what Chris Rock said to Jimmy Fallon when Fallon asked him what was up.  He said, “What’s going on? I just heard this the other day: The Mormons, Mitt Romney’s crew, they believed black people were the devil ‘til 1978! I’m not making this up! … Seventy-eight! That means Jackson Five? Devil. Temptations? The devil. What changed ‘em, Bootsy Collins?"  And while that's fairly funny, I have a couple of problems with it.  Shocking, I know! 

First of all, it's not like Mitt Romney is the ONLY Mormon in politics. Harry Reid has been the Democratic Senator from Nevada since 1987 and has been Senate Majority Leader since 2007 and he's Mormon. He's one of the most powerful people in politics. I don't hear these same complaints against him, nor do I hear them against the other 15 Mormons that serve in the 112th Congress.  I really can't figure out why it's even an issue at all for Mitt.  Then again, I guess opposing sides have to come up with something.  But don't they know that there are plenty of things that they can use against him.  Going with Mormonism seems a bit trite. 

Second, if you think about how civil rights have progressed in this country, the Mormons actually moved rather quickly in changing their beliefs. Look at it this way: The Civil War, the war to "free the slaves" ended in 1865. It wasn't until nineteen sixty freakin' four that the Civil Rights Act passed! It took almost ONE HUNDRED YEARS after a WAR decided slavery was NOT OK before an entire country comprised of a plethora of different religious beliefs decided to extend equal rights to people who are black/not white. It only took Mormons 14 years after that to change how they did things. It took the entire country a hundred years to get its act together!  If you look at it like that, the Mormons are really kind of ahead of the game. 

I mean, really, are people going to act like the Mormons are the ONLY group in history that have things in their past that they wish had been done differently?  And are people really going to act like the Mormons are the only religious group that has been less than kind to a certain sect of people?  I know that he was trying to be funny.  He's a comedian.  That's what they do.  And it was kind of funny on the surface.  But when you start to dissect it a little bit, it doesn't make a lot of sense.  That's all I'm trying to say.

Now, I'm not black and I'm not going to pretend to know how they feel about this. But didn't they kind of get off easy by just being excluded from a religion?  I'd take that over being enslaved any day, wouldn't you?  Seriously, I'd be all "I'm not going to be able to join your church, but you're not going to make me till your fields, either?  DEAL!  Where do I sign?"   

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Make 'Em Laugh, Patrice

So, this guy died today. Patrice O'Neal. He was a pretty funny guy. I guess that you kind of have to develop a sense of humor about things if you're a dude who is going through life with the name Patrice. (As an aside, he is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo, his stepdaughter, Aymilyon and his sister, Zinder. Huh. I guess being named Patrice wasn't so bad after all.) Anyway, here's a video of him making some pretty good points about some things. It's both amusing and hard to argue with.

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Mr. Colbert Goes To Washington

Every time that I think it isn't possible for Congress to disappoint me any more than they already have, they turn right around and do something that just zaps my ol' WTL (Will To Live) right out of me. And while I'm a big fan of comedy, I don't know that I necessarily need it on the floor of some sort of House subcommittee hearing on immigration today in the form of Stephen Colbert.

That's right. Stephen Colbert. For reasons that are completely unclear to me, Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-umbass) from California, who is the chairwoman of this subcommittee, invited Colbert to testify as some sort of "expert witness" about all of the migrant farm workers and their plights. Or something like that. As I've previously stated, none of this makes any sense to me. But that doesn't mean it wasn't funny.

I guess that Colbert spent a day in the fields with some migrant workers and picked his share of fruits and/or vegetables. That's what makes him an expert? A day? I've done plenty of things for A day. It hardly make me feel like an expert. And usually, it just makes me glad that the day is over and I don't have to do it any more.

I guess that Rep. Lofgren doesn't quite get that Mr. Colbert plays a character on TV. Oh, sure, it's him and all, but he's in character. See, TV isn't always real! I'm serious. Not always real. Granted, the times when it is real, we most often wish that it wasn't (ie, Kate Gosselin). I'll give you that. But it's not like this is the first time that a fictional character has testified before Congress. Oh, no! There was one other. Would you care to guess who it was? Of course you wouldn't. You're not going to want to know, either, when I tell you that it was Elmo. Oh, for cryin' out loud.

It appeared as if even Mr. Colbert was confuddled as to why he was there and, according to The Huffington Post, said that he was happy and honored to be there, "...to share his "vast experience" of working on a farm for one day, and hopes his fame will get this show bumped up to "C-SPAN ONE"." That's pretty funny. I'd be laughing harder if it wasn't before freaking Congress, but it's a good bit.

And several more good bits followed that one. Sadly, some of the good bits were from the representatives themselves. And they would have been funnier if I wasn't so irritated that they were asking stupidly amusing questions at a Congressional hearing. Questions like those from a one Lamar Smith, a Republican from Texas, who asked Colbert if the work on the farm was hard? Answer: "It's certainly harder than this." He then asked if it was harder for Colbert to do his comedy show? Answer: "Much harder than punditry." Are you serious, Mr. Smith? That question reinforces my belief that a large number of representatives are completely out of touch. Has this man never worked on a farm? Has he never seen farm work being done? Do we need to show him an episode of "Green Acres"?

For some reason, a one Judy Chu (D-umbass, CA) compared Colbert's appearance "...to that time Loretta Swit testified before Congress about "crush videos"." I don't know that comparing Stephen Colbert to Loretta Swit in any capacity is a good comparison. Yes, I'm sure that there are lots of celebrities that have testified before Congress (for some reason). I get that. But I don't think that Loretta Swit and her "crush videos" crusade has a lot in common with Stephen Colbert joking that even though the day he worked in the fields he was a corn packer, that he "...understands it is a term for a "gay Iowan, and meant no offense"." Yeah, they're clearly different. (I'd like to know how all of that "crush video" testimony given by Ms. Swit (in 1999, by the way) turned out as far as Congress goes. What did they do about it? Anything? Anything? Anyone? Hello? Oh, I see. Nothing, eh? Moving along!)

Some of his best lines seemed lost on the representatives. Barely getting them to crack their stone-faced gazes was this zinger: "This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan, then served by a Venezuelan, in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian." Does Congress know what a Brazilian is? Of course they do! I'm sure that they require that most of their potential pages have one as a prerequisite to an internship.

I think my personal favorite was this one: "I’m not a fan of the government doing anything. But I’ve got to ask: Why isn’t the government doing anything? Maybe this Add Jobs Bill would help. I don’t know. Like most members of Congress, I haven’t read it.” Excellent point, Mr. Colbert. I, too, would prefer that the government stay out of most matters. But when there are matters that it seems like they should get involved in, they don't seem to exactly be Johnny on the spot. Granted, Mr. Colbert and I have different opinions on these migrant workers (mine being that if they're here illegally, they need to go), but it doesn't change the fact that no one is doing anything other than having pointless hearings with a bunch of people that haven't read the very bill that they're talking about.

Is it November yet? How many of these yo-yos need to go? I'm guessing anyone who considers a person with one day of "experience" to be an "expert" who is worthy of testifying before Congress. Why don't these damn representatives go out and work a day in the damn fields themselves if they want to know what it's like? I don't know what in the world that would actually do, but then again, I don't know what in the world Stephen Colbert was doing testifying before Congress, so it probably couldn't hurt.

We are so doomed. And screwed. We're so scroomed.

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Top 50 Comedy Catchphrases With Ridiculous Bonus Categories

As promised and/or teased, here is the complete list of the 'Top 50 Funniest TV Catchphrases", some of which are not funny and some of which are not catchphrases. But it IS a list, so they got at least one out of three right.

Top 50 comedy catchphrases

50. “Hello, Newman” from “Seinfeld”

49. “Missed it by that much” from “Get Smart”

48. “Yeah, that’s the ticket” from “Saturday Night Live”

47. “God’ll get you for that” from “Maude”

46. “Hey, Hey, Hey!” from “What’s Happening”

45. “Holy crap!” from “Everybody Loves Raymond”

44. “Let me show you something” from “In Living Color”

43. “Nip it” from “The Andy Griffith Show”

42. “Thank you beddy much” from “Taxi”

41. “Do you wanna hug it out” from “Entourage”

40. “Watch it sucka” from “Sanford and Son”

39. “Jane you ignorant slut” from “Saturday Night Live”

38. “Mom liked you best” from “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour”

37. “Sit on it” from “Happy Days”

36. “Now cut that out” from “The Jack Benny Comedy Program”

35. “I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl…” from “Newhart”

34. “What you see is what you get” from “The Flip Wilson Show”

33. “I’ve made a huge mistake” from “Arrested Development”

32. “I know nothing” from “Hogan’s Heroes”

31. “Here come de judge” from “Laugh In”

30. “You look marvelous” from “Saturday Night Live”

29. “I’m comin’ to join ya Elizabeth” from “Sanford and Son”

28. “Would you believe” from “Get Smart”

27. “Up your nose with a rubber hose” from “Welcome Back Kotter”

26. “Ohhhh Rob” from “The Dick Van Dyke Show”

25. “Kiss my grits” from “Alice"

24. “Nanu, Nanu” from “Mork and Mindy”

23. “Don’t be ridiculous” from “Perfect Strangers”

22. “I’m Gumby, damn it” from “Saturday Night Live”

21. “No soup for you” from “Seinfeld”

20. “One of these days, pow right in the kisser!” from “The Honeymooners”

19. “Did I do that?” from “Family Matters”

18. “Will you stifle” from “All in the Family”

17. “Eat my shorts” from “The Simpsons”

16. “Hated it” from “In Living Color”

15. “Well isn’t that special” from “Saturday Night Live”

14. “Sock it to me” from “Laugh In”

13. “We were on a break” from “Friends”

12. “That’s what she said” from “The Office”

11. “It’s going to be legendary” from “How I Met Your Mother”

10. “Homey don’t play dat” from “In Living Color”

9. “Excuuse me” from “Saturday Night Live”

8. “Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do” from “I Love Lucy” (even though he never said it quite that way – the closest he came was “Lucy, splain” and “All right, start splainin’”)

7. “Oh my god! They killed Kenny” from “South Park”

6. “Burn” from “That ‘70s Show”

5. “We are two wild and crazy guys” from “Saturday Night Live”

4. “Ayyyy” from “Happy Days”

3. “How you doin’” from “Friends”

2. “D’oh” from “The Simpsons”

1. “Yada, yada, yada” from “Seinfeld”

Top 3 reality TV catchphrases

3. “The tribe has spoken” from “Survivor”

2. “That’s hot” from “The Simple Life"

1. “You’re fired” from “The Apprentice”

I suppose those three are just fine. After all, how many reality shows are there to choose from? Wait. Never mind. There just aren't that many with catchphrases that we'd have to choose from is what I think I'm saying. Seriously, when was the last time The Simple Life was on the air?

Top 3 game shows catchphrases

3. “Come on down” from “The Price is Right”

2. “Deal or no deal” from “Deal or No Deal”

1. “Is that your final answer” from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”

But this list is all wrong! Anything from Deal or No Deal does not belong in the Top Three of this category. Somewhere on the list? Sure, I suppose. Top Three? I don't know, you tell me. Are you willing to bump "Survey says!" for "Deal or no deal?" Of course you're not. And to not have something from either Wheel of Fortune ("R S T L N E") or Jeopardy! ("This is Jeopardy!") seems like an abomination.

Top 3 science fiction catchphrases

3. “You’ve just crossed over into ‘The Twilight Zone’” from “The Twilight Zone”

2. “Trust no one” from “X-Files”

1. “Scotty, beam us up” from “Star Trek”

Again, leaving off something as iconic as "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" is just wrong.

Top 3 action adventure catchphrases

3. “One other thing…” from “Columbo”

2. “De plane! De plane!” from “Fantasy Island”

1. “Who loves ya, baby” from “Kojak”

Let me get this straight. You're going to include "Da plane! Da plane!" as uttered weekly by the vertically impaired Tattoo, but you're going to omit "Let's be careful out there" from Hill Street Blues? Are you kidding me? Who are you people?

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