...Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

From the files of "Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved", we have this tale from somewhere called Spartanburg County, South Carolina: A woman stole a sandwich from McDonald's. How she stole it will shock you gross you out.

According to WYFF4.com, a woman bought two sandwiches and two small coffees. That seems reasonable. What does not seem reasonable is that after she bought them and after she received them, she took one of the sandwiches and shoved it down the front of her pants. Wait. What?

That's right. Shoved it down her pants. For the purpose of what, you ask? Why, for the purpose of getting a free sandwich, of course. See, her story was that "...her order had been shorted" and "...the employees owed her a free one". Granted, the employees were right there. It's not like it was all that hard to figure out what went on. It was probably a little harder to figure out why it went on, however.

Anyway, as these crazy people tend to do, this woman, a one Lori Turner, became loud (ie, swearing). In fact, "The responding deputy said he could hear Turner screaming obscenities at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s." Wow. OK, lady. Calm down. Or something. Actually, what say you take that sandwich out of your pants and then you calm down, OK? First things first. Oh, and by the way, this woman looks just like you'd expect her to look. Behold!

See? When the officer took the woman outside, he "...said he could see a large grease stain on the front of her pants." Yeah, McDonald's isn't exactly the healthiest place to be pilfering items to shove down your trousers, that's for sure. Maybe if she were stealing sushi rolls or something she would have gotten away with it. But not with the telltale grease stain from the golden arches. No way. And of course, grease stain and all, the woman "...denied having the sandwich until a female officer arrived to search her." Gross. Whoever that female officer was deserves some sort of bonus or day off or something for being called in for that duty. Fortunately for that female officer, "Turner pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car." Finally.

Naturally, she "...continued to shout profanities and smelled of alcohol". I'm dying to know what she was saying. I can only imagine. I just don't understand this entire scenario at all. I mean, she clearly had enough money for two sandwiches and two coffees. As far as I can tell, she was by herself. She couldn't have maybe only ordered one coffee and three sandwiches. And why are they calling them 'sandwiches'. They're burgers, aren't they? I don't think of a sandwich as something that is going to leave a grease stain when I shove it down the front of my pants. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. I don't do things like that. On weekdays.)

But of all of these intricacies that perplex me, here's the one that I really can't fathom: "The McDonald’s refunded Turner’s money and had her put on a trespassing order." The trespassing order I get. The refunding of her money?! What is up with that?! Why would they give her money back? Were they not paying attention? The sandwich was IN HER PANTS! It's hers! She paid for it. She received it. She put it in her pants. There should be no refunding of anything! You can't just put some McDonald's down your pants and not expect to pay for it. Granted, I'm sure that she's paying for this in more ways than one, but you see what I'm saying, right? Good.

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Warning Label Warnings

I am over the stupid warning labels that are on every damn thing that we eat or use these days. Everywhere. Everything. There's always a little box or a 237 page instruction booklet, half of which contain warnings about the various ways that the product that you just bought can injure you, maim you, blind you, decapitate you, sterilize you or just plain old kill you.

Things like a manufactured fireplace log which bears the label: "Caution - Risk of Fire” OK, it's a fireplace log. I don't want a "risk" of a fire, I want a guaranteed fire! That's why I bought the log! Or a smoke detector label reading: “Do not use the 'Silence' feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire." It won't? Not even if it's a loud fire? Which brand of smoke detector will extinguish a fire via it's 'Silence' feature? Oh, none of them? That's right...because it's stupid. I got it.

My guess is that the majority of these labels are the result of some genius out there (most likely from Flori-duh) actually using the product for the very reason that it now has to warn against. Things like the label on hair dryers that reads: "Never use hair dryer while sleeping." See, now I disagree with that. I would love to see someone use their hair dryer while they are sleeping! Actually, I think it's more that I'd like to see what kind of person would think that would work and in what situation where they'd actually try to do it. THAT would be entertaining, you have to admit. Or what about the labels on irons that read: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn” They put that there just in case you're the hurried, wrinkled type who never seems to find enough time to iron his clothes before putting them on. Good Lord.....

Here's the latest attempt at someone trying to warn and save the public from something that they really didn't need to be warned about nor saved from. Over there at Yahoo! News we learn of a minor league baseball team, the West Michigan Whitecaps, that is offering up a new menu item this year over there at the Fifth Third Ballpark. The item is a burger, but it's not your ordinary burger. That is, it's not your ordinary burger only if you're unaccustomed to eating a hamburger that weighs in at four pounds. Wait. What?

Correct. The burger, dubbed the Fifth Third Burger (after the ballpark of the same name and approximately the same size) consists of five, 1/3 lb. hamburger patties which are topped with a cup of chili, five slices of American cheese, salsa, nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato, sour cream and Fritos corn chips and served on an 8-inch sesame seed bun. I feel a little sick just reading about it. The behemoth burger will run you $20, but it can feed a family of four, so you do the math. (Why can't it feed a family of 5? There are 5 hamburger patties on it, so why only 4? Actually, the thing is so huge, why not 10?) Regardless of how many it can feed, you know that it's mainly going to be consumed by dudes who "know they can eat the whole thing before the game is over".

The Whitecaps are no strangers to having "interesting" menu items. In the past, they've sold deep-fried Twinkies and deep-fried Pepsi ("cola-flavored batter dunked in hot oil and drizzled with Pepsi syrup.). A one Scott Lane, the president of the Whitecaps, said that they will "deep-fry just about anything" and that he's currently experimenting with Spam sandwiches. Joy!

And here's where the part that makes me insane comes in. According to the AP, some soft headed dietician at the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine named Susan Levin, sent a letter to the team asking that it be labeled "a "dietary disaster" that increases the risk of cancer and heart disease." Really?!!? I hadn't considered that aspect. Oh, please pipe down!

Who, who, WHO is that "warning" supposed to be for? Look again at the burger and tell me who would be questioning it's nutritional value? Isn't it assumed that anything that is larger than your head is a) unfit for human consumption and b) inherently unhealthy if you should decide to eat it anyway, despite the food item to head ratio.

Does she think that people are going to be standing there at the ballpark, holding up the line while they agonize over whether or not to order the four pound burger because they can't quite get a grip on whether or not it would be bad for them?! I don't think those people exist. Who is going to look at that burger and think that it fits in with their daily servings of Jenny Craig?! No one! It doesn't need a label! Look at it! Does she advocate for a similar label on bottles of cooking oil? "Warning: Drinking the entire contents of this bottle may cause you to keel over dead or just not leave the bathroom for a week and a half."

Apparently, aside from getting bragging rights for the rest of your life if you do manage to eat the entire burger, you also get a T-shirt. On the front is the burger and on the back is the Nutritional Data box. It's not pretty, but it's just another reason why it doesn't need a warning label! The burger contains:

• 4889 calories
• 299.5 grams of fat, 460% of the daily value (DV) (119.2 grams of saturated fat, 597% DV)
• 744.6 grams of cholesterol, 248% DV
• 10887.9 mg of sodium (Holy crap! I mean, 454% DV)
• 354.9 grams of carbohydrates, 118% DV
• 198.7 grams of protein, 105% DV
• 1000% Total Flavor!

Fortunately for society in general "Whitecaps spokesman Mickey Graham says the burger is a gimmick that's being promoted as a very unhealthy menu item." There is currently no plan to label the burger. ::::sigh::::: My hero!

So, what have we learned? Plenty! Let's review! People are generally gluttons who will eat just about anything and the bigger it is, the more likely the chance someone will eat it. If something is bigger than your head and served at a ballpark, it could kill you before the ninth inning. Dieticians have too much time on their hands and are generally seen as a pain in the ass to everyone under all circumstances. You should not eat the four pound burger if you are wanting to eat something healthy. You should also not eat the burger while sleeping, nor should you wear the burger before eating it.

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